Many of the characteristics described unfortunately fit me well....these are some of the things I am working on.
But the term affairing down has stuck with me..the OP is a woman, so her examples talk about the characteristics of the OW and not of the OM.
My question is do both men and women affair down or is it more common for one gender to do it? I am interested to see what others think about this!
That is about the third or fourth iteration of that long running motivational thread I have seen here. The older versions were more clear about the character implications when someone is willing to be an AP, and that it does not matter how successful, good looking, kind, attentive, brilliant, the AP is, or even if they glow in the dark and their farts produce rainbows, there is a serious character flaw.
One brilliant member of this forum once explained about not really liking her AP, and described it something like this. When you are married and decide to have an affair, unless you can keep your marriage a secret, your dating pool is severely limited, and everyone in it has proven they are in some way defective if they are willing to get involved with a married person.
I suppose if this is really a step down depends a lot on your spouse. If you are married to a child abusing serial killer, then it probably isn't a step down.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
I am curious to see if there is a difference in the genders
We both affaired down in the ways you mention.
I don't think gender has anything to do with it.
There are at least 5 people reported to have had affairs with Princess Di. I really doubt you will find someone here who approves of their choice.
anyone who is willing to become involved with someone who is married is considered a step down
but what I meant was all the other attributes....education,career,personality traits, etc.
My AP was a college graduate, works in IT, owns a music studio, is a polished singer/musician, has soft hands, and dresses in a suit every day. Yeah....so?
My husband managed to graduate from high school and earned a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. He is a self employed blue collar Dude. His hands are calloused. All he has known his whole life is hard, physical labor. He rarely wears a suit, even on a Sunday.
I still affaired down. None of the "details" matter. My AP knew I was married. He still chose to cheat with me on our spouses. I don't care if the guy is a freaking rocket scientist. He's still broken.
There is no gender difference. Any person that will choose to have an affair always affairs down. Period.
ETA: I don't think any of this is "lol".
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 6:53 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
The other characteristics of my APs have been a source of consternation for my BH, because one's rich and the other is a musician. But what does it matter? When they signed up on Ashley Madison, they became scumbags. They aren't honorable men who put their families first, like my BH.
"If they're not better than me...why?" BH asks. Because the fault was within me, not you, only me.
Yes I affaired down. Absolutely.
Silly question...What is Ashley Madison?
But yes, we do always affair down. My AP was a doctor and well educated. He drives BMW's and paid for all sorts of things. But I affaired down. My marriage had MAJOR issues. I dealt with it in almost the worst way possible. I affaired down because my husband has never had an affair on me. The AP's BW can't say that(neither can my husband for that matter :( ). I was at least his second OW. There were probably more. My husband has stuck by me through all the garbage I put him through. The AP high tailed it out of there when things got rough(thank heaven). So degrees, money, looks. It doesn't mean much. I later found out through a mutual friend that AP got his credentialing taken away so he can't practice medicine for a while. So yeah. I'm pretty sure my husband is the winner on all accounts.
About the character issues: almost always the case.
As others have pointed out, in a perfect world, the character of a person should always supersede those other "superficial" aspects of one's makeup. And yeah, I agree, it should. But this is an imperfect world, and things such as looks, education, intelligence, money, status, athleticism, etc. are important to people---to some people, they are more important (or seem to be) than one's character.
I used to be one such person. I paid a lot of attention to the "outside"---my looks, my intelligence, where I went to college, how much material stuff I can acquire---I didn't really pay much mind to the person I was inside. I regret that now.
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
1-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way
Look I was just asking a question. I'm not trying to piss anyone off or insult anyone. I was curious that's all.
I'm not sure where you're reading that anyone is mad or insulted...people are replying to your topic and sharing their thoughts
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
My BS is the picture of integrity, heart, love, selflessness, caring, empathetic, hardworking, successful, unpretentious, loyal, loving, grounded, smart, funny, witty, sexy and sweet. And that's just the inside. Her exterior is beauty personified...glowing, radiant, graceful, and a turner of heads. From the time she graduated college until the day we met, there wasn't a single guy she dated who did not ask her to marry him. My BS is class and grace personified.
My xAP is a mediocre human at best. I'm ashamed to admit the qualities I projected onto her in order to convince myself she was some sort of special princess. Like me, she needed and craved external validation due to HATING what she saw in the mirror every day. She is a broken, damaged liar, as am I, and also capable of astonishingly cruel and hurtful behavior, as am I.
I affaired down. And if truth be told, I guess my BS can say she "husbanded down" when she married me. At least the me that did what I did. The me that somehow lost sight of how damn lucky a man I am. Yup, I affaired down. And anyone who would deem me affair worthy has already affaired down themselves.
It takes two to affair down. Two sad, broken people.
Well said. Sometimes when I see or read these threads I forget that I too am the AP to some BH out there.
Separated transitioning to D
I am one that does not blatantly and flatly agree that "they always affair down" because I do think that sometimes people are thinking of those external characteristics, looks and accomplishments, etc. But Aesir made a point with his extreme example:
But my real point is that people have faults and I don't categorically place all cheaters below all other people, no matter what their faults might be.
So even though in my case, I actually feel that both my H's affaired down in every imaginable way, I think every case is individual and will not make a blanket statement that they "always" Affair down.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:42 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]
