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Newest Member: NHope (61816)

User Topic: ? For BS's with WS's on SI
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your WS joined SI, how did that work out? Did you feel like you couldn't post as honestly? Did it help WS in their efforts and understanding? My WH is making an honest effort and truly wants to do the right things, and there is no bunny boiler to worry about (thank goodness for that anyway), so I think he might benefit from getting on and has voiced an open mind about it.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is a member. He hasn't posted in eons. But when he joined we made an agreement that I wouldn't read his posts, and he wouldn't read mine unless we asked each other to. We also agreed that if either of us made a comment on a thread that it was fine to read those... it was just the threads started by us that we would stay out of. We also agreed to not argue on the board.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H recently joined. There is nothing I post that I wouldn't say to him (even venting, I'm an open book like that). He wants me to read his because he thinks that he can post stuff here that he finds it hard to say to me. He hasn't posted but a couple of things. He lurks a lot. So far, it hasn't been a problem for us.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JM joining SI was a requirement of mine. I knew he needed some guidance from the waywards here and that he also needed to understand I wasn't just making stuff up.

When he joined, I told him that anything I posted in Recon, OT, or F&G was fair game, but General was definitely "Read at own risk". I refused to censor myself. If something I posted upset him, we talked about it and those were some very constructive conversations.

Early on, we agreed not to post on each other's threads, but we relaxed that. He has t posted in a long time, and that's okay. This is much more my element than his. He still reads regularly and we discuss threads.

I am quite certain we couldn't have reconciled if he had not joined. FRM, TG and HL, AN, Aubrie and Fallen, along with the rest of the wayward forum, helped him pull his head out of his ass, and I will be forever grateful.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3999 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is on SI, and posts infrequently. He reads a lot- and that has been more important. He has been through the healing library (some posts multiple times) and reads books and articles suggested on SI. It has made the difference in his moving towards self-realization as well as understanding my heart and damage.
We don't have rules about reading each other's posts but if he ever asks me not to read something he's posted I would honor that. We don't post on each other's threads.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS h knows i am on SI...but he is not a member...and personally, i dont want him on here. this is where i can come and vent, share my struggles, get advice...and just feel safe with people who know exactly what i am going through. i dont want to share this with him. that is what mc is for. i come here for advice all the time...and i would never want him to see what i am talking to my friends here about regarding advice, etc.
for example...everyone here was telling me exactly what i needed to do for a 180....and i would never want him to know my way.

he can join another infedelity site...just not this one.

SI is sacred to me!!!

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was past our 2nd antiversary that my W joined. Before that, she wanted me to have a place just for me. That worked fine, until I thought she needed support I didn't want to provide, but which I thought she could get on WS. At that point, she didn't even know my ID.

I don't go on WS, and originally W just stayed there. But then I mentioned something on G that was relevant..., and then I mentioned SPF.... W started going into G & R & F&G. And then she saw a post that she recognized as mine....

Now our agreement exactly matches doesitgetbetter's. (See, great minds do think alike.) Since we don't read each other's threads, the inhibition factor is minor.

BUT - BUT - BUT - we are solidly committed to R, and neither of us has slacked off doing the work. SI helps both of us. OTOH, I've met some very nice people at g2gs who have been hurt by their unremorseful WSes who have joined SI. So if you're on SI secretly, be very careful about inviting your WS to join.

(Of course, if your WS wants to do damage and knows about SI, your WS will probably be able to find you anyway.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:22 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17064 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my H were on here. Actually, he might be..not really sure. I know he's read the healing library and he reads posts I show him. I'm not sure he even knows my user name.
I wish he would ask questions of the waywards and hear and talk to the BS's.
He's trying really hard but I'm a handful and he gets lost and could use the guidance.
I know there have been some BS's whose WS's have tried using SI posts against them or told their AP about it so they could read their BS's posts.
I guess weigh it carefully but honestly, I'm not sure they would even have to know who you were.

Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It kept me from posting a lot of vents, which in the long run probably helped to speed up my recovery and kept me from still being angry about shit I have gotten over.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lurked for a few days and then copy and pasted a couple articles to him and he was astounded how true they were and asked where I got them.
I told him and I think we joined the same day.
He has never posted but reads a lot and its been most helpful.
We have no rules on reading each others threads or posts.
I have no issues with him seeing what I have vented about. But, we are working hard in R. If I was leaning toward D, I might feel different but I don't really think so. Can't say since that is not in our future....she says optimistically without the rose colored glasses...

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
♀ 32165
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH joined when I encouraged it (he pretty much never does anything A related on his own with no nudging, sadly). I want him to get some help/insight, but he's still got his head up his arse mostly. He's still defensive, at times mad (wtf, he blew up our world feel he has no right to get mad at being questioned), and minimizing/leaving all sorts of stuff out. So even IF he posts, it's not a clear picture of what's really happening to a stranger reading it, he's like poor me, she's still asking the same stuff! I do think reading some things has made him think more, and maybe eventually he'll remove his head from his bottom and hear when he's ready? Sadly I don't know if I'll be around by the time this *might* finally happen. I've wasted a lot of years and heartbreak and damned if I'll be an option. Don't think it's done damage if that's what you're thinking about with your WH, just think mine wants it to disappear without working his sh*t out, and it doesn't work that way...

Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never really talked to my H about this site and never wanted him to join.

But from reading the forum for over 7 years now, it is my opinion that while it seems to work well for some couples, just as many end up regretting inviting their spouse on. Just my two cents.

Posts: 6839 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 33802
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're both on, though FWH hasn't posted in a while he still gets on every day. We never had any issues of reading each others posts, mainly because it helped us with insight into what the other was feeling. We both know we can post whatever we want on here.

DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with
friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both on. He rarely posts, but does continue to read.

We have discussed threads that are relevant to us and if I read something I feel we should discuss I will mention it to see what his opinion is.

Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2012
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWS actually found SI for me to help me. She joined a few days later. It has been literally a life saver for me.

We have no rules about reading each others posts. We rarely comment on each others post just out of respect but no rule there either.

Even though I post more she reads just as much as I do. We talk about all of you regularly
Things like: what do you think of this, what would you have done in that situation, I feel this way too.

It has really helped us. There is so much shared experience and empathy here. I don't know where we would be without it.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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