"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 13:18 PM

Hi everyone. I've posted a lot here about my family situation on my Dad's side.

My great-grandmother passed away earlier this week while we were visiting her. I was the one who found her. I know she would want me to be happy and remember the good times, and I will and do, but right now is still really sad. She was one of my most precious people.

This is bringing up feelings that are making me confused. Her memorial service will be in August most likely. I will be seeing my grandparents and my father. I haven't seen my father in three years, and my grandparents and I had our falling out long ago. My grandfather in particular.

I don't want to be focusing on this right now. It's making me feel anxious to know I'll be seeing them again, and I'm not sure how to act. Luckily all the extended family who lived in the valley with my Nana will be there and they've all been really kind to me. It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.

Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done and once I don't have to see my grandparents and father anymore? Is it wrong that I still want to keep far away from them? Emotionally they scare me. And my grandfather is unpredictable and scares me for physical safety too.

I miss Nana. Rest in peace, beloved one.

jo2love posted 7/28/2013 13:27 PM

(((silver)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think staying away from your grandfather or anyone else, is fine. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your safety.

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 13:33 PM

Thank you jo2love. I think it would feel safest to stay close to the family/neighbors who make me feel safe. If they approach me, I'm not sure what to do. Shake their hands? With my grandfather, he's almost certain to say something nasty. Should I ignore him and hope he stops? If he persists, I was going to say, "This is neither the time nor the place," but not sure what else I can say...

I hate that I'm wondering about this instead of mourning my sweet Nana. Earlier this week I was able to think of all the good things we did on her last day, how much love we gave her and shared with her, and knowing that she was happy. Maybe I need to keep focusing on that instead of the other family drama...

wildbananas posted 7/28/2013 13:38 PM

Aw silver, I'm so sorry.

(((Silver)))

Kajem posted 7/28/2013 14:33 PM

((((Silver)))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Trust your instincts regarding the service and your family.

Hugs,

K

MovingUpward posted 7/28/2013 16:18 PM

(((Silver)))

My condolences on the loss of your Nana.

Jrazz posted 7/28/2013 16:42 PM

I'm so sorry sweetie. You've got a HUGE hug coming your way in 5 days!

jjsr posted 7/28/2013 16:59 PM

I am sorry for your loss

Sad in AZ posted 7/28/2013 17:26 PM

I'm so sorry, silverhopes. I remember how you struggle with these people. Try practicing, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If any of them try to give you a hard time, just repeat as often as necessary. Smile enigmatically and walk away. You can do this. Take strength from your Nana.

LosferWords posted 7/28/2013 17:39 PM

((((silverhopes))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

inconnu posted 7/28/2013 17:42 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. (((silverhopes)))

aesir posted 7/28/2013 18:07 PM

Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done

Silverhopes, don't worry about that, you already are. The process is a very personal thing, and different for each person.

solus sto posted 7/28/2013 20:19 PM

((((Silver)))) I'm so very sorry.

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 22:05 PM

Thank you everyone.

Sad in AZ, that's a good idea. It would probably help to just be able to repeat something that makes clear where my boundaries are. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Thank you for letting me know how you feel". I will draw strength from my Nana. She would want me to be polite and safe. And she would want me to think of my son and be appropriate in front of him.

aesir, I think you're right. The process keeps changing. A bit ago some friends came to visit and we went out, and while we were having good times thoughts of my Nana came back up again. I wish I had hugged her harder when I saw her for the last time. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish she were still here. But maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll be thinking about all the wonderful memories instead and how we tried to do everything to show her how special she was to us. Going to find some way to honor her life.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/28/2013 22:25 PM

(((silver)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to find her.

It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.

It's always important to guard the little ones and *try* to give them a better life than we had. What is it that you think your father or grandfather might do to your son? Or is it that you're concerned they may do something to make you lose your cool?

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 22:53 PM

That is a good question, TIKY, and it might help to put a name to the fear.

Three years ago my father chose to exit my life because I chose to have my son. Last summer I asked if he would like to meet his grandson, just to give him a chance to come back if he wanted to, and he said no. He claimed it was because he had codependency issues, and he might. I honestly don't know how he would receive my son, and that scares me.

As for my grandfather... in addition to emotionally attacking me over the years, possibly assaulting and giving my Nana a black eye (she wouldn't admit to it, but there are several pieces of the story that point to him), shooting and killing my Nana's dog when she was in the hospital, and almost shooting the neighbor's daughter, the last time I saw him, he said something about my son being "the result of bad decisions". He is incredibly unpredictable and I have no idea what he'd do to any of us. But my primary worry is my son. All the extended family and neighbors in the valley hate him. Unfortunately, my father, grandmother, and even to an extent my own mother let him get away with what he does. My mother claims he's an asshole and has stood up to him before on my behalf, but she doesn't buy that he hurt Nana and has made excuses for some of his behavior.

The coroner checked her for signs of abuse when she passed away because the circumstances around her death were unusual. I found her in her river. There were no signs of abuse that they saw, fortunately. So they think it was an accident. Just the same, I am really afraid of my grandfather. I hope the sheriff will be there. He came on Tuesday, and he was the one who investigated when Nana had the black eye. I really really hope he'll be there.

The problem with all the stuff with my grandfather is, he already sat in jail for "reckless display of a firearm" or whatever happened with the neighbor's daughter, and after 21 days in the jail, they returned his guns to him. He'd be foolish to do anything else. But then, he's still running free and people are still enabling him to do so.

Anyway... that's why I'm afraid. I want to keep my son close to me, as in I don't even want my mother watching him since she might try to do something to get my Dad to acknowledge him. There are some truly scary people in my family.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/28/2013 23:00 PM

*sigh*

(((silver)))

If it were me in this situation, rather than risk exposing my child to a crazy man with firearms, who has been known to injure people and kill animals (and possibly kill people- just because it hasn't been proven doesn't mean that he didn't do it), I would not go to the formal service and I would honor her in my own way.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 23:09 PM

That's OK. I'm glad you asked why I was afraid. Writing it out makes it very real how frightening this really is. I wonder if there is a way if I could find out whether he's attending or not. That could help determine it. I want to honor her. But you're right, I cannot put my son in danger by being around him. The times I've talked about being afraid of him, my mother has said I'm overreacting and not to draw that kind of energy to myself. Pretty sure how I feel has nothing to do with his choices.

silverhopes posted 7/28/2013 23:12 PM

That was part of why I didn't visit my Nana as often as I should have anyway. I was afraid that every time I went up there, I would encounter him, and I was afraid he was going to hurt me one day. I wish I had gone more. The extended family only told me last year about him hurting Nana. I wish I had gone more and protected her. They just wanted her money.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/29/2013 00:18 AM

The day of the visitation, you can go early and say goodbye to her. Then, you can stay until your Grandfather shows up. When he gets there either leave quietly or go find a seat with your son, or take your son outside to run energy off. Then, when the service starts, sit with your child, if you are still there!

Then, when it's over go to someone's house where the scarey family members aren't....

It is about keeping YOU and your son safe. She is in heaven she loves you, she wants you safe, too.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)]