My great-grandmother passed away earlier this week while we were visiting her. I was the one who found her. I know she would want me to be happy and remember the good times, and I will and do, but right now is still really sad. She was one of my most precious people.
This is bringing up feelings that are making me confused. Her memorial service will be in August most likely. I will be seeing my grandparents and my father. I haven't seen my father in three years, and my grandparents and I had our falling out long ago. My grandfather in particular.
I don't want to be focusing on this right now. It's making me feel anxious to know I'll be seeing them again, and I'm not sure how to act. Luckily all the extended family who lived in the valley with my Nana will be there and they've all been really kind to me. It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.
Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done and once I don't have to see my grandparents and father anymore? Is it wrong that I still want to keep far away from them? Emotionally they scare me. And my grandfather is unpredictable and scares me for physical safety too.
I miss Nana. Rest in peace, beloved one.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think staying away from your grandfather or anyone else, is fine. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your safety.
I hate that I'm wondering about this instead of mourning my sweet Nana. Earlier this week I was able to think of all the good things we did on her last day, how much love we gave her and shared with her, and knowing that she was happy. Maybe I need to keep focusing on that instead of the other family drama...
I am so sorry for your loss.
Trust your instincts regarding the service and your family.
My condolences on the loss of your Nana.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Sad in AZ, that's a good idea. It would probably help to just be able to repeat something that makes clear where my boundaries are. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Thank you for letting me know how you feel". I will draw strength from my Nana. She would want me to be polite and safe. And she would want me to think of my son and be appropriate in front of him.
aesir, I think you're right. The process keeps changing. A bit ago some friends came to visit and we went out, and while we were having good times thoughts of my Nana came back up again. I wish I had hugged her harder when I saw her for the last time. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish she were still here. But maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll be thinking about all the wonderful memories instead and how we tried to do everything to show her how special she was to us. Going to find some way to honor her life.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to find her.
It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.
Three years ago my father chose to exit my life because I chose to have my son. Last summer I asked if he would like to meet his grandson, just to give him a chance to come back if he wanted to, and he said no. He claimed it was because he had codependency issues, and he might. I honestly don't know how he would receive my son, and that scares me.
As for my grandfather... in addition to emotionally attacking me over the years, possibly assaulting and giving my Nana a black eye (she wouldn't admit to it, but there are several pieces of the story that point to him), shooting and killing my Nana's dog when she was in the hospital, and almost shooting the neighbor's daughter, the last time I saw him, he said something about my son being "the result of bad decisions". He is incredibly unpredictable and I have no idea what he'd do to any of us. But my primary worry is my son. All the extended family and neighbors in the valley hate him. Unfortunately, my father, grandmother, and even to an extent my own mother let him get away with what he does. My mother claims he's an asshole and has stood up to him before on my behalf, but she doesn't buy that he hurt Nana and has made excuses for some of his behavior.
The coroner checked her for signs of abuse when she passed away because the circumstances around her death were unusual. I found her in her river. There were no signs of abuse that they saw, fortunately. So they think it was an accident. Just the same, I am really afraid of my grandfather. I hope the sheriff will be there. He came on Tuesday, and he was the one who investigated when Nana had the black eye. I really really hope he'll be there.
The problem with all the stuff with my grandfather is, he already sat in jail for "reckless display of a firearm" or whatever happened with the neighbor's daughter, and after 21 days in the jail, they returned his guns to him. He'd be foolish to do anything else. But then, he's still running free and people are still enabling him to do so.
Anyway... that's why I'm afraid. I want to keep my son close to me, as in I don't even want my mother watching him since she might try to do something to get my Dad to acknowledge him. There are some truly scary people in my family.
If it were me in this situation, rather than risk exposing my child to a crazy man with firearms, who has been known to injure people and kill animals (and possibly kill people- just because it hasn't been proven doesn't mean that he didn't do it), I would not go to the formal service and I would honor her in my own way.
I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.
Then, when it's over go to someone's house where the scarey family members aren't....
It is about keeping YOU and your son safe. She is in heaven she loves you, she wants you safe, too.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day