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Survived infidelity?????

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Got2GO posted 8/18/2013 23:07 PM

Hey everyone, hope all is well. I just have a question that I hope I can get an answer to. Maybe this question has been posted and answered previously but I cannot locate the thread.

How do I know when I have actually "survived infidelity"?

There has been many times that I don't think about my ex for weeks at a time. Also, sometimes I even forget about this site for a while. There are many times that I reflex about when I was together with my ex and compare it to my life now and think to myself "what the hell was I thinking to marry that POS'! Finally, I have not spoken with my ex in about 5 months.

I do however don't feel as if I want to be involved with anyone. I am very much enjoying single life and I feel that I will remain single by choice for the rest of my life. Now, I'm opened to a relationship if I can get some idiot to pay all the bills and I can stop working, lol!
Back to my question. Have I "survived infidelity"? And if I did why do I still access this site?

tlartclark posted 8/19/2013 00:02 AM

I have not been on in months, have not posted in a LONG time. It seemed there for awhile I could not stop posting and then it started to wane, something would happen and then I would go on again for awhile. My D was final in 1/11, did I survive? I go for long periods of time when he is not anywhere near the front of my radar, then something will happen and I will think about it. I just read an interview with some actress, I can't remember who, and she said, that divorce never really ends. You assumed you were going to be married to someone forever and then that did not happen so, yeah, that sticks with you, no matter how happy you are (I am) or whatever, it's part of the baggage now we carry. And if you have kids, then for the most part just walking away is difficult.

I go back and forth about being involved with someone. Part of me would like to, but another part knows that I need to figure out what the fuck I was thinking or allowing or ignoring in my ex husband, because I do not want to repeat that again, not that every person I date is a potential marriage partner, but after a lot of thinking I realized that pretty much every boy/man I have dated is the same guy, just in a different wrapper. I was so lost when I was married, and lonely, that reclaiming myself has been, difficult at times, but good.

Do I think I survived? Yes, have I forgiven him? Some days I think I have, some days I haven't. When I have a crisis in my life, I still get pissed at him, pissed that he abandoned me and the kids and I have to handle things on my own, but that feeling goes away pretty quickly now.

The last time I logged on was in May, my brother had died, I did not post anything but was just reading things. I think that's OK, it's OK to know you still need a connection to what helped you through a really horrible time in your life, at least that is what it is for me.

click4it posted 8/19/2013 01:37 AM

How do you know you survived? You aren't locked in jail, or in a psych ward or dead. That's how you know you survived. We all survive it, it just doesn't feel like we will.

the question next will be - when will I know I'm living and not just surviving? and to you my friend, I see you are living.

You still access this site because its a safe haven, its place of good people and support. Its "home" base so to speak. heck, I've been coming to this site for 10 years now. yeah, yeah, I know you are thinking OMG I do not want to be like click!! But we all stay for our own reasons.

better4me posted 8/19/2013 12:55 PM

Great question g2g! At the beginning of this journey through hell "survival" sounded like kind of a stretch for me. I was barely functioning. I really related to the name "Surving Infidelity" and really needed just a little hope that I could survive this.

Now, almost 3 years later, I think I've made it through the worst parts and I like my life, but there are still some aspects of the betrayal that stick to me like some nuclear waste residue that keeps getting picked up on the Geiger Counter. That's why I keep coming back here. People in my real life who haven't gone through this don't understand the way my fellow SIers understand.

I.will.survive posted 8/19/2013 19:06 PM

I picked my username knowing I.will.survive.

HIS choices do not define who I am. Being divorced does not define me.

I'm the same moral person with a kind (yet once broken) heart. I am a good mother and have found love.

I know that I have survived because I feel like myself again. I don't cry for what was or could have been or what happened to me. I still access this site only in the New Beginnings forum. I like reading the dating antics and the good beginnings and the funny stories. It's great to see the support.

I do NOT read Just Found Out. It's heart wrenching. I'm not going to stumble on what's behind me. Thankfully there are members here who can help the newcomers because gosh knows, they need support.

I can trust the man I love. I found I was able to very quickly. That is testament to who HE is and let's me know that my picker isn't broken. The man I married covered up his demons, but I did see red flags. I'll never settle again.

Listen to your gut and learn to trust yourself. Don't beat yourself up about marrying the wrong guy. Glad you are enjoying the single life!

Got2GO posted 8/19/2013 23:06 PM

Thank you everyone for responding.
Yes I do feel as if I survived and thrived! I was having a hard time trying to find out why I still visit this site. I now believe that I come back to this site for a "tune up". I don't want to ever go through that mess again but if I do I want to get over it asap and move on and thrive.
Good luck for those who "just found out". You will get through this, I did. Kudos to the wayward spouses. Hopefully, you'll realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the street. You just need to water your own grass. For the divorce/separators, read the posts that are written and remember what brought you here. Then make plans for the future for you and only you. Shout out to the NB crew. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Now you have the tools to spot the fools, lol! Get what you can out to the relationship and leave the rest! Don't waste it on some idiot, do you!!!

Thank you all once again.

[This message edited by Got2GO at 11:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

peacelovetea posted 8/19/2013 23:42 PM

I come because I have become attached to people's stories. I want to hear how people I am doing, people whose stories touched my heart in some way.

The amusing dating stories don't hurt either.

exhausted lady posted 8/20/2013 01:28 AM

I come because I have become attached to people's stories. I want to hear how people I am doing, people whose stories touched my heart in some way.
The amusing dating stories don't hurt either

^^^ Me too. I've survived, and thrived. But, I still come back her to check up on people and just....check in. We are all kind of a weird family here. It's a connection of having gone through the same hell and come out the other side.

I love to read the success posts, and cheer y'all on. I hope I can help someone who is floundering once in a while, and I've found some awesome support for life issues that have nothing to do with infidelity.

There are some good people on here, and I miss you guys when I get too busy to check in.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/20/2013 04:21 AM

Have I "survived infidelity"?

We all survive it. As someone else said, sometimes it just "seems" like we won't.

Experiencing infidelity changes who you are. If you get divorced, your goals and life expectations certainly change.

But many go on to have full, rich, satisfying lives even after experiencing periods of trauma in life such as infidelity, divorce, sickness, and loss of loved ones, sometimes including children.

As for me, I have survived infidelity in two marriages. I divorced my first H.

And if I did why do I still access this site
I still access it because it is something that I relate to and it is a well designed discussion forum. I come here for the "off topic" discussions as much as anything else. I do not come here for help for myself. In fact I look back and realize I really never did come here for "advice" though I did come for a sounding board and just to feel like there was somebody out there to hear me, so I would not feel so alone.

Once in awhile, I hope I offer something that may be helpful to someone, an opinion, or what I did in a given situation.

aesir posted 8/20/2013 04:55 AM

I think surviving, whether it be infidelity or life, is just a process, it is not a destination. You will continue surviving until you stop. This is just a current part of your process.

In the end, the mortality rate is 100%, whether you face infidelity or not.

Helen of Troy posted 8/21/2013 08:17 AM

How do you know you survived? You aren't locked in jail, or in a psych ward or dead. That's how you know you survived.

I like that, and Aesir's reply too.

Got2GO the last line of your post about why still accessing this site? I don't feel guilty for that. I do not feel ashamed for "not being able to declare 100% over infidelity". This forum has helped me so much, not just support but knowledge.
The synergy of the aggregate therapy here is amazing!

No I really mean that.
Not trying to be wordy but couldn't think of any other way to say that. Combined therapy gems shared on SI are like no other forum I've ever read or participated in.

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