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FoggedIn posted 8/19/2013 08:57 AM

I'm torn between whether we should start MC first or both start IC first.
I've read topics recommending both.

The short story, he "pre-meditated" a ONS with a CL prostitute. He is remorseful wants R & wants to go to counseling.
I did read I'm the forums over the weekend that in our situation starting IC first is best.
Is that accurate? Need to get to the root of why in a 'happy' sexually fulfilling marriage he has the need for a nasty piece of.....? Before we go to MC?

Please some direction, need to get to counseling of some sort ASAP!

Lionne posted 8/19/2013 09:02 AM

I think IC is necessary first. But initially, if you just need a mediator to help you while you express your anger to him, a session with an MC couldn't hurt.

The reason MC isn't a great idea early on is that there isn't likely to be good progress on creating a strong healthy marriage if the individuals in that marriage aren't strong and healthy. IC is needed for that. IMHO...of course.

Hugs to you. Please remember that this is on HIM. He is the broken one not you, or at least not until he broke you. You can survive, can heal. It just takes time...

Skan posted 8/19/2013 13:26 PM

Well, if a spouse is remorseful, and commits fully to R, then I think that going to both can be beneficial. It was for us. We each had an IC that we could talk to individually, and then have a person who was there expressly for the marriage, who taught us how to talk to each other, gave us a safe place to say things to each other that could be wounding alone, and helped us to understand what we each were actually meaning behind our words.

However, if your spouse isn't remorseful, doesn't own his decision, and is not fully invested in your M, then I think that it's a waste of time and should be put on hold until the situation changes.

hathnofury posted 8/19/2013 14:01 PM

I am so sorry you are here. I am very sorry to bring you more bad news.

Have you read the reference thread on WS into Prostitutes and Anonymous Partners? It is here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528

Gently, it is VERY unlikely that a 53YO man, and I am guessing on at least his second marriage, has suddenly decided to try a prostitute for the first time. It is much more likely this is the first time YOU caught him. Even in the highly unlikely event it were true, he has to be pretty darn broken to put his M, himself, and you at such risk. So my suggestion is IC for him pronto. IC for you by a specialist as explained in the other thread.

Hugs, FoggedIn. No one deserves this. Take good care of you and keep posting.

solus sto posted 8/19/2013 15:41 PM

IMO, when there is a penchant for sex with strangers (escorts, strippers, AFF hookups, etc), there are SERIOUS intimacy issues that require IC prior to MC.

Sometimes, intimacy issues can be overcome with therapy; new coping tools can be gathered.

Sometimes, they can't be overcome; my husband, for example, remains (after YEARS of therapy) completely incapable of forming emotionally intimate attachments (though he can fake them convincingly), or to feel fully-formed empathy or remorse. (He can now intellectually put himself in someone else's shoes and imagine how they might feel, but it's not a natural emotional response for him--and, in fact, it's devoid of emotion; it's a purely intellectual exercise.)

Either way, premature MC with a partner who is so profoundly damaged is, IMO, potentially extremely damaging to the BS.

FoggedIn posted 8/19/2013 21:22 PM

No question I am absolutely doubting whether it is his first encounter or not!!
There have been other very 'questionable' moments in our relationship that would add to my concern that there have been other encounters!
He gave me herpes after we had been married 2.5 years. He as well as the diagnosing Dr. hung on to the 2% chance that we had been having sex for 3 years and he had been carrying the virus all along and it took that long to transmit it to me. I knew better in my heart, but somehow I guess I bought it.
2 Years ago I had all the symptoms of an STD, went to my OB, who didn't give me the time necessary, last appt of the day, screwed up my labs, admitted it a week later, sent me on my way with a script for BV said it would be fine & if it didn't get better in a week to come back. Confronted WH about it, he denied, but the tone and body language said something different.

I really wish the earth would just open up and swallow me right now!

The counseling resources available here are pretty slim. (living in the desert sucks!)
MC scheduled for Friday, the MC said he will recommend an IC, because I said I need one ASAP! Otherwise a straight jacket will be necessary, or I'll have to buy clothes in the toddler section (current weight.... 107lb ) Not Awesome!

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 04:22 AM

Mc didn't work well for us because we didn't do ic. Now that I'm in ic I can see that mc would have never fixed my wh issues. He has got to fix those in ic or we have no hope. I say ic is most important but do both if you can. And I suggest ic for you too. It's been extremely helpful and eye opening for me

aesir posted 8/20/2013 04:51 AM

I think the quality of the C is more important than if they are MC or IC. If you are able to self examine and communicate well enough, you may not even need one. I would say it is time to take a look at what is the primary weakness you have in doing it alone, and fill that void first, whether that be with MC, IC for you or him or both, of perhaps you might even need to have both MC and IC from the start.

No C can solve the problems for you, they can only try to keep you from getting stuck in a bad place. Like at the gym, you have to do the heavy lifting, they are just a spotter.

solus sto posted 8/20/2013 07:33 AM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:34 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

solus sto posted 8/20/2013 07:33 AM

While no IC will be effective with a client who's not willing or able to do the "heavy lifting," I'd suggest that there's no chance of meaningful R with a man who's paid for near-anonymous or anonymous sex from professionals without the help of an excellent IC.

If you want to develop an emotionally intimate relationship, he very likely needs to add considerable skills to his toolbox.

Yes, he *will* have to be willing and able to work hard. Time will tell if he is.

But IMO, to suggest going it alone under the circumstances is a prescription for failure. And believe me, I am well familiar with failure in this scenario.

JanaGreen posted 8/20/2013 07:51 AM

I'm so sorry. I experienced something similar, although it was a horrible drunken decision on his part, not a craigslist thing. We fared much better with both of us in IC than with MC. Just my experience. I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((HUGS))

homewrecked2011 posted 8/20/2013 08:24 AM

I think whomever you can get the first appointment with.

Our MC suggested IC also for us. I think the MC keeps us working on the marriage itself--something alot of people on this site say they did not do when they were in IC. It also holds each person accountable and gets another set of eyes on the problems. A WS will be told something in IC, but they will redo the session in their mind and tell you the IC said stuff they did not say....

XWH thought that was costing too much. A divorce was NOT cheaper, btw.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

FoggedIn posted 8/20/2013 11:34 AM

We have appointment Friday with MC whom I've talked with briefly on the phone. I feel comfortable with him and think WH will as well. I will also ask the MC to recommend an IC for me and hope WH will do the same.

The communication now is silence, probably my fault at this point. I have shifted quite a bit from the first several days.

Initially I was feeling this need for maybe affirmation, consolation, affection, connection, I'm not sure. I was weepy, weak, and broken. (I'm still broken, just a different broken).
And although I wasn't chasing him or searching after him, I think he much preferred the 'smaller' pitiful version of me.

The last day or two, I'm more disconnected, maybe more sturdy (not strong, I wish I was!), less questioning, less conversational, less interactive. He doesn't like it, at all! I think he suddenly sees this canyon between us, that maybe wasn't there initially.

His initial thought, was that he could fix this. Now It's crossing his mind, maybe he made a bigger mistake than he thought!

I am looking forward to counseling, to try and say some things that I haven't been able to say yet.

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 12:22 PM

Definitely read up on the 180 and do it. It's hard, I'm still having a hard time with, but it's worth it. My WH is into anon encounters and on dating/sex sites. I first caught him years ago (like 2005) and he said he would change. We've separated 2x already and I'm getting ready to leave for the 3rd time (and last). So honestly, if he doesn't get IC, he will not change. He can't just change on his own. This stuff is deeply rooted in his psyche. Please don't fool yourself the way I did and just think that it will change because he wants it to or that it will change if you love him more, sleep with him more, cook dinner better, whatever. It won't change until he wants it to and until he does the really hard work to get to that change. My WH still isn't there and now that my fog is lifting a bit, I can't believe I've stayed for so long and let someone treat me this way and cheat on me for so long. Don't me be. It sucks. Get IC for you and if he won't go to IC, then he won't change and you have to decide whether to stay in a marriage where he does this behavior or whether it's better to leave.