The short story, he "pre-meditated" a ONS with a CL prostitute. He is remorseful wants R & wants to go to counseling.
I did read I'm the forums over the weekend that in our situation starting IC first is best.
Is that accurate? Need to get to the root of why in a 'happy' sexually fulfilling marriage he has the need for a nasty piece of.....? Before we go to MC?
Please some direction, need to get to counseling of some sort ASAP!
The reason MC isn't a great idea early on is that there isn't likely to be good progress on creating a strong healthy marriage if the individuals in that marriage aren't strong and healthy. IC is needed for that. IMHO...of course.
Hugs to you. Please remember that this is on HIM. He is the broken one not you, or at least not until he broke you. You can survive, can heal. It just takes time...
However, if your spouse isn't remorseful, doesn't own his decision, and is not fully invested in your M, then I think that it's a waste of time and should be put on hold until the situation changes.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Have you read the reference thread on WS into Prostitutes and Anonymous Partners? It is here:
Gently, it is VERY unlikely that a 53YO man, and I am guessing on at least his second marriage, has suddenly decided to try a prostitute for the first time. It is much more likely this is the first time YOU caught him. Even in the highly unlikely event it were true, he has to be pretty darn broken to put his M, himself, and you at such risk. So my suggestion is IC for him pronto. IC for you by a specialist as explained in the other thread.
Hugs, FoggedIn. No one deserves this. Take good care of you and keep posting.
Sometimes, intimacy issues can be overcome with therapy; new coping tools can be gathered.
Sometimes, they can't be overcome; my husband, for example, remains (after YEARS of therapy) completely incapable of forming emotionally intimate attachments (though he can fake them convincingly), or to feel fully-formed empathy or remorse. (He can now intellectually put himself in someone else's shoes and imagine how they might feel, but it's not a natural emotional response for him--and, in fact, it's devoid of emotion; it's a purely intellectual exercise.)
Either way, premature MC with a partner who is so profoundly damaged is, IMO, potentially extremely damaging to the BS.
I really wish the earth would just open up and swallow me right now!
The counseling resources available here are pretty slim. (living in the desert sucks!)
MC scheduled for Friday, the MC said he will recommend an IC, because I said I need one ASAP! Otherwise a straight jacket will be necessary, or I'll have to buy clothes in the toddler section (current weight.... 107lb ) Not Awesome!
No C can solve the problems for you, they can only try to keep you from getting stuck in a bad place. Like at the gym, you have to do the heavy lifting, they are just a spotter.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:34 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
If you want to develop an emotionally intimate relationship, he very likely needs to add considerable skills to his toolbox.
Yes, he *will* have to be willing and able to work hard. Time will tell if he is.
But IMO, to suggest going it alone under the circumstances is a prescription for failure. And believe me, I am well familiar with failure in this scenario.
Our MC suggested IC also for us. I think the MC keeps us working on the marriage itself--something alot of people on this site say they did not do when they were in IC. It also holds each person accountable and gets another set of eyes on the problems. A WS will be told something in IC, but they will redo the session in their mind and tell you the IC said stuff they did not say....
XWH thought that was costing too much. A divorce was NOT cheaper, btw.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
The communication now is silence, probably my fault at this point. I have shifted quite a bit from the first several days.
Initially I was feeling this need for maybe affirmation, consolation, affection, connection, I'm not sure. I was weepy, weak, and broken. (I'm still broken, just a different broken).
And although I wasn't chasing him or searching after him, I think he much preferred the 'smaller' pitiful version of me.
The last day or two, I'm more disconnected, maybe more sturdy (not strong, I wish I was!), less questioning, less conversational, less interactive. He doesn't like it, at all! I think he suddenly sees this canyon between us, that maybe wasn't there initially.
His initial thought, was that he could fix this. Now It's crossing his mind, maybe he made a bigger mistake than he thought!
I am looking forward to counseling, to try and say some things that I haven't been able to say yet.