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Newest Member: Myloh (61085)

User Topic: Please help -gas lighting, confusion or fear?
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been posting in R mostly but the way things are now I don't feel I can.

I am really confused, for the record H has thrown himself into R with gusto but I don't feel it's real cos he can't stick to a story.

The actual facts and events don't seem to change much. It's his reasons, feelings and emotions that do and it's driving up the wall. I already have bipolar and my dad died in May. I have been physically ill and had 5 bouts of oral thrush since May. It really feels like it's killing me. I have already tried to kill myself once but have stopped myself since for my son's sake. How could I do that to him? But H is driving me nuts with what I think is gas lighting. he says it's a bad memory (loads he cant remember) not knowing what he felt and thinking out loud.

I am hearing things like. I didn't love you during the affair/I always loved you. I had no feelings for her/ yet he had to kiss her to see if his feelings for her were more than friendship and if he loved me or not cos if his feelings for her were real he couldn't have loved me. He didn't want her/ but if the kiss had gone well they were so close he would probably have left me. we weren't that close, I couldn't have cared less about her/ yet he did all he could to keep his little ego boost and never once said no to her.

Do you get the picture. I have told him I don't want to hear another word from him as he is telling so many lies. I will wait for the truth. He has one last chance.

Also a lot of his version of events makes not sense. I will try and do this concisely. He was having an EA with a work colleague. He said he didn't realise even though he sent 750 texts in 6 weeks and they spent 40 hr a week together. He didn't even tell me he had an assistant. I found some fb pm's from her and warned him they were being flirty, he told me I was being paranoid. The same day they switched to texting. At this point I knew a girl had started but H told me she was working in the bosses office. She wasn't, she was his assistant practically sharing a desk as they still are (although he has applied for so many jobs since hopefully this won't be for long and he swears it's strictly business now, not even a good morning or goodbye, purely work). He claims he didn't tell me cos I would have got jealous and he didn't want to lose his 'best friend'.

FAst forward two wks and she puts his lighter down her top and he retrieves it. I have now found out that this was the turning point for him. He realised his feelings were strong and he was thrilled she seemed to want him. Then he kisses her twice 'to see if she wanted him and so he could figure out if his feelings for her were more than friendship and also how he felt about me. If he enjoyed the kisses he wanted her if he didn't he wanted me - nice eh! At least this part of the story sounds honest.

Now to the tricky part. That night he asked me for a break. He didn't take it but claims he wanted space to figure out what he wanted, even though the kisses were a non event apparently. He decided to stay then spent the evening texting her. He then text her all the next day - doesn't sound like someone trying to call the physical side off does it?He says he didn't want to lose her and wanted the EA to continue so he text her to make her feel she was still wanted. Long story short I sent him out that night to watch a pub band. Thought he needed a night out. She picked him up at the end of the night and seduced him in a car park. Now he is claiming he panicked. Did not want sex and hated every minute - yet he went through with it out of panic and guilt cos he had led her on. Also cos he thought he had already destroyed our marriage (which surely didn't matter cos he wasn't in love with me???? )He says he did what she wanted so she wouldn't tell me what had gone on before, the texting and kissing etc. Right, so rather than risk her telling me what they had done he gives her more ammo???!!!!

Can you see why my head is battered?

I really need some advice and opinions on if any of this sounds true. How do you know when you have the truth.

Oh, and after the kiss apparently he decided he wanted me back - so why go ahead and f**k her! Just for info he claimed he did the bare minimum in the car, a few minutes rubbing and a quick in and out in back seat before stopping. TMI - sorry but I need opinions on this too. If he was really doing the bare minimum surely he would not have moved inside her pants and put his finger in! He claims they never kissed or touched in any other way in the car and that she never once touched him or even responded to the earlier kisses.

PLease help I can't make head nor tail of what's lies and what's the truth! I think he is scared to tell me the truth and also scared of facing what he actually did and felt.

ETA - just had a text from him. I have told him he has one last chance to tell me the truth and that I will take no more gaslighting if that's what it is.

It says - The truth is I love u X. I am trying to tell you the truth but because I lied to myself and convinced myself of other things, it's hard to know wot the truth is and how I felt, I will try, I don't mean to gaslight, I don't x

I would like to add he lied and tt so much he even wrote me a list of everything he 'didn't do' and swore on even our son's life that it was an EA solely. he didn't confess to the kisses til I started getting thrush in my mouth and he lied and lied for months. I only got a confession of sex on the 16th June. He couldn't even just confess. He has to pack a bag and tell our son he was leaving and me that he was not in love with me. He came back ten minutes later and said the truth is I slept with her. Sometimes I just wish he would disappear so I can stop this pain and confusion

[This message edited by olwen at 4:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't say for sure about a lot of this, but the changing story at this point is pretty easy to understand. You have only been dealing with this one for a short time. It is doubtful that he was very reflective during the A, because if he had been thinking of what he was doing, he would not have chosen an A. The story he tells is going to continue to evolve as he examines his actions and behavior, as well as the circumstances. What seems like the right answer for his motivations now will change as he pulls back more layers of the onion.

Take a look at the date I joined, that was a month after I found out about the first A. We tried to R, and I am now coming up on two years since I found out about another A and we decided to divorce. We talk regularly enough, nothing is off limits regarding the A (not that we specifically talk about it, but if a conversation is somehow contextually linked to an A it is simply a fact that enters into it. You would think that at this point it would be all settled. No more revelations to uncover right? I sure thought so. Yesterday we had to go sort some stuff out and drove past a couple of locations that were triggers for FOO trauma. Be damned if another layer didn't fall off that onion. Not like we were digging for it or anything. All we did was drive past one of her cousins houses, the sign to turn for the palliative care home her father and aunt both used, and the pizza joint we ordered dinner from when we were visiting the palliative care home (she was involved in an A during one of these events). The conversation just went to events of that time, and the I wonder if... Oh shit, ya figger...

Anyone who can tell you right after an A the entire story of what they were thinking, probably had an A that is very disturbing in it's implications.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
♀ 39833
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 months on from A and 7 months on from D-Day my WBF still can't give me some answers. Says he can't remember a lot of the finer details that I want.

The 3 months in between the A and D-Day he did some major gas-lighting

Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
Topic Posts: 3

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