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She cheated and now shes pregnant...what am i going to do

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TryingToBeBrave posted 8/26/2013 12:10 PM

Hello all. I am new to the site so please when you respond if you could spell out the abbreviations i would greatly appreciate it as i dont know them all.

heres my story....i am a loving husband of my wife, and we have been married only a year and 3 months before the incident. I am in the military and am deployed. i knew being married and deployed would be hard so i did the best i could, or so i thought, to be there when she needed me. we had our ups and downs with communication issues and i thought we were working through it. I never once had an issue of trust in our relationship but being this far away for this amount of time starts to wear on you. well one day i felt like she wasnt talking to me much and i started thinking about the past week and how we havent been talking much again. So i text here and let her know how i feel and let her know we need to have a deep talk again to reconnect. this is when she tells me we need to skype and talk about something. i asked her what...and she says its bad and doesnt want to tell me over a text. so i call her and ask her over the phone. i finally get it out of her, and she tells me that she cheated and is now pregnant. she is 6 weeks along when she told me. the first 48 hours were the worst, i couldnt eat, sleep, or stop shaking. i was, still am, heartbroken. after i cooled off and started thinking i realized that she means more to me than anything in the world and i dont want to lose her. so i am trying to get past the adultery. where i am having trouble is the baby. neither one of us believe in abortion so thats not an option. my first choice would be for her to put it up for adoption. but knowing her it would probably kill her, emotionally. last option is that i accept the child as my own and raise it as my own. but i am scared i will have a hard time loving the child knowing how it came to be. a constant reminder of the betrayal. i know its not the childs fault and ive thought about that. if i am to raise the child as mine i do not want the bio father being anywhere near me or my wife or my family ever again. if he petitions for his right and gets visitation and partial custody and stuff i dont know if i can handle that too. and what am i going to do when and if we have another child and it biologically is mine. am i going to treat the children different? im so scared of this.

i am not scheduled to be back home for another month. right now we have made amends the best we can and are trying to move forward. as of now she has excommunicated the other guy, deleted his number, took him off her fbook and all that. we talk and skype every day now. ive talked to the chaplain and started reading relationship building articles and watching some dvds the chaplain has given me. ive realized that maybe part of the blame is mine. i want to do everything possible to keep my wife. i love her too much to lose her. but how do i weigh the option of staying with her and the baby. wut if i get home and cant do it. i want to be strong and i want to love her. i want to make her love me. i wish i knew things where getting this bad before this happened. she told me she never felt this way when i was home everyday before i deployed. and being on the other side of the earth and her being so alone with dodgy friends and no one to hang out with and talk to and support her(besides her family who was there but she told them they were smothering her so they backed off). i dont know what to do. all i know is i love her more than life itself and i dont want to lose her. please help me get through this.

thank you all for your support.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/26/2013 12:17 PM

Hi TryingToBeBrave,

There's a thread in the I Can Relate forum for people with partners that have children from affairs (OC). I'm unfortunately part of that club

This is going to be difficult for you ((HUGS))but if your wife truly wants to R and you can honestly forgive and are able to raise the OC you can make it through and be stronger in spite of it (or maybe because of it)

MovingUpward posted 8/26/2013 12:18 PM

Welcome TryingToBeBrave. So sorry that you are finding yourself here as well as that you are trying to start dealing with this while separated from your W.

You have a lot of questions about what is going to happen and how would you be able to get through this. I think that maybe you should just write those questions down and set them aside. I feel your first step is to just make it day to day until you can get back with your W. Once you get back I would look into some individual counseling (IC) to help with working through your specific questions.

You have had a lot dumped on you. Please keep posting and reading here. Check out the healing library link in the top left and take care of yourself.

dameia posted 8/26/2013 12:25 PM

I am so sorry you are here. I would suggest starting with The Healing Library. There are a lot of articles that may help you.

Also, there is a forum called "I Can Relate" and in that forum is a thread for BS's (Betrayed Spouse) with OC (Other Children). In there you can talk to people who also have to deal with their spouse having a child outside the marriage.

I want to address just a couple points in your post.

she told me she never felt this way when i was home everyday before i deployed. and being on the other side of the earth and her being so alone with dodgy friends and no one to hang out with and talk to and support her

First off, you being deployed does not excuse her behavior, nor is it an acceptable "reason" for an affair. She chose to have this affair, and it had nothing to do with you or your deployment, it had to do with her own brokeness. I have been where your wife is...I used to be a military wife. I NEVER cheated when my WH was deployed, never even considered it. She made that CHOICE, not you. It is not your fault.

ive realized that maybe part of the blame is mine

Once again, you are not to blame for her choice to have an affair. If you had problems in your marriage before the affair, then yes, you can take responsibility for your part in those problems, but the affair is NOT your doing.

Please remember that you don't have to make any decisions right away. You can take your time. Right now you are in shock and your brain is going to be all over the place. One day you'll think, "I can do this! I can accept the baby" and the next day you won't even be able to look at your wife. It sucks and it takes a while, but you can survive this.

For now, take care of yourself. Drink lots of water, eat, sleep, and take advantage of the services that the military can offer you. Keep talking to the Chaplin, counselors, whomever you feel safe confiding in.

Skan posted 8/26/2013 17:34 PM

Hey there. Another ex-service member here. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Listen. You don't have to make one single decision right now, and I would urge you to not feel like you have to. You have time. Please use this month before you get home to do some thinking about what you really want, and to try to think things through a bit before you get home.

I would suggest that you tell your WW (wayward wife) to get herself to her doctor and have a complete STD/HIV panel of tests taken. She needs to know yesterday, if she also got infected as well as becoming pregnant. Because that can have some really hurtful ramifications for the baby. Even if she tells you that she's already done that, even if she tells you that her doctor said she was OK, you tell her to get tested, and that the doctor needs to send the results directly to you. Because you cannot trust that she will tell you the truth about this at this time. And you will need to know that she is "clean" before you get home.

Next, you need to go see a lawyer. You need to tell them exactly what has happened, and you need to find out what your rights are. You need to discuss with them the pros and cons of having a paternity test. If you intend to raise this child as your own, you may not want to pursue that. If over the course of time before your WW gives birth, she makes it necessary for you to file for D (divorce), then you may want to know what you need to do to contest paternity so you are not on the hook for child support for the next 18 years. If the sperm donor (which is the politest thing I can call this POS right now) wants to try to establish paternity, then you may find that he can't petition because since you and she are married, any child issuing during that marriage is automatically presumed to be yours. Maybe not. Point is, you need to know what the facts are for all of this before the baby is born. You may want to do this before you get home, you may want to wait until you get home. But you do need to find this out.

Next, please, please, take care of yourself. Talk to you chaplain. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated and stay away from the booze. Keep yourself fit. Exercise can be your buddy right now. Wearing yourself out so you can sleep and tone down the voices in your mind can be very beneficial. Right now you have to take care of yourself.

And please come back here often for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

PurpleBirch posted 8/26/2013 18:00 PM

I'm with Dameia. I never had the opportunity to cheat while WH was deployed for 10 months -because I didn't go looking for one.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am not one of the veterans with good advice. The only thing I will say is give yourself time to figure out what you want. It's a roller coaster, but SI helps a lot.

brainless twit posted 8/26/2013 19:36 PM

I can't imagine having to find out something like that over the phone... And during a deployment, no less! I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope the rest of your time away goes by quickly (or as quickly as it can).

Your worries about accepting the baby tell me that you are a man of great character - otherwise you wouldn't be concerned about things like how you would treat this child versus other potential children. The fact that you are already thinking about things like that just shows what type of person you are and the kind of inner strength you possess. Your wife should be grateful that you (assuming from your post) are willing to try to make things work.

I don't have any great wisdom, except to trust in God or whatever higher power is meaningful to you. There will be many days ahead where you feel like you are literally going to die from the pain, but it's entirely possible to survive something like this, and it's even possible to end up better off in the long run. It will get easier with time but it takes a LOOOOONG time.

Please keep reading and posting as your schedule allows... This place has kept me sane for quite a number of years and is one of the few communities where I feel safe.

purplejacket4 posted 8/26/2013 19:47 PM

Just my .02 but anyone concerned he won't make a good father to an OC WILL make a good father to any child placed within his responsibility. You sound like a GOOD man.

mike7 posted 8/26/2013 19:50 PM

is she remorseful?

Has she told you who the father is. Has she told you how she got pregnant?

In other words, has she really come clean? If she hasn't, who's to say that she isn't still sleeping with the guy?

i'm sorry to say these things, but you need to consider them first, before you consider accepting her, or her child.

I know you love her, but maybe you don't really know who she is. I know its hard when you are deployed. I'm going to be deployed myself in a month.

But that doesn't change the fact that she is pregnant from another man. Personally? I'd demand an abortion. That's just me. Some people have religious issues with that. I have religious issues with my wife getting pregnant from another man.

I wish you the best. Please see a chaplain. I don't want you to do anything damaging to yourself. You're in for a difficult time.

heartache101 posted 8/26/2013 19:52 PM

I am a BS and mother to two grown boys!
IDK. Someone needs to love that baby. It will take a big hearted man to do that. Will your family support your decision?..

TryingToBeBrave posted 8/26/2013 22:37 PM

hi again everyone...thanks for the responses.

i will definitely be looking in the i can relate forums and and getting some advice from there.

id like to answer some questions now that you all have asked.

yes she is remorseful, and says sorry to me everyday. she tells me that she loves me more and more each day now and that her love for me is stronger than ever.

she did tell me who the OG was and no i did not know him. she has since stopped communicating with him and severed any ties to him for now. when i get back and we start dealing with legal issues, myself or another third party will be contacting him if need be. i do not want her interacting with him at all if i can help it.

im not so sure my wife went out looking for someone to cheat with. i have been thinking and i think my wife has seperation issues because of things that happend in her childhood. her father was not a good father..he was on drugs and alcohol all the time and stayed out all the time and was just never there. so i think to myself and realize maybe there is a separation issue that she has. how it happend was just that she met him while out one night with the girls and he hit on her. she let him know she was married but i guess he persisted. they ended up becoming facebook friends (i dont have a Facebook) and when i did catch them talkin on facebook we talked about it and i thought we resolved the issue. but they continued to talk via text and phone and stuff. she ended up babysitting his kids which she told me about but i didnt know it was the same guy. was he just filling that emptiness she felt inside her that was cause by be being away?

another hard part to swallow is that they were together 4 times total. it all took place in a week period she said. 3 of the times she said she was drunk and the last time she was sober. it hurts to know she went back again and again and still hung out with him and put herself in those situations. and ok i can understand how alcohol clouds judgement, but wut was she thinking the time she did it sober. she said that the sober time all she could think about was me and it made her feel terrible and she cried afterwards. so do i take that as the epiphany moment and she woke up and realized she was wrong and decided to stop.

i will be the first to understand and acknowledge that people make mistakes. some mistakes are different than others. some mistakes are harder to forgive than others but all can be forgiven. i believe that everyone deserves a second chance. a mistake the first time is just that...the second time it becomes a habit and no longer just a mistake.

TryingToBeBrave posted 8/26/2013 22:41 PM

sorry heartache101...forgot to answer your question.

yes my family is very supportive. myself and my family are extremely fact my circle of friends and my family are one in the same. they want me to be happy no matter what and they will always be there for me. i have told everyone in my immediate family and have talked a lot of things out through them and got lots of advice and opinions and perspectives. they are amazing and i wouldnt trade them for the world. they are supportive of me, they still support my wife, and they will support the child no matter what.

stronger08 posted 8/27/2013 03:55 AM

Im sorry brother. This is one big shit sandwich she is feeding you. I find it very hypocritical that she does not believe in abortion, yet believes in adultery. But that's just me. I also feel that you are making way too many excuses for your WW. Be very careful about taking on any blame for what she has done. This has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for what she has done. I understand you are confused and hurting. But you really need to think long and hard about what has happened. Your M a little over a year and she is now pregnant with another mans child. Is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with ? I certainly understand that people make mistakes. And I firmly believe that people can and do change. But I feel that since you have been M a very short time, coupled with the fact she is now with another guys child. This is not a good start to a M. IMHO, this is not the type of woman who is cut out for M. As for trying to raise another mans child. This is another matter that needs much thought and consideration. Can you honestly say that you could raise this child as your own ? Sure it sounds very noble of you. But that child is going to be a constant reminder of what she has done for the rest of your life. There is a strong possibility that you will resent the poor kid. And that my friend is not the child's fault. And you never know if the kids father decides to pop into the picture claiming paternal rights. Best to make an informed decision before the child comes along. Best for all involved. Don't you agree ?

aesir posted 8/27/2013 04:20 AM

While you are looking in the I can relate forum, there are a couple of other threads you may want to check out. There is one for betrayed men that is fairly active, and currently on page 2 there is a thread for military deployment and affairs.

Not sure where you are deployed, but going through this shit can really mess with your ability to focus on work, so please be extra careful to stay safe.

SeanFLA posted 8/27/2013 08:41 AM

Sorry to hear you going through this. But like with many WS's, many times it has to do with unresolved FOO (family of origin) issues from childhood. My WW included. However mine has done nothing to help herself other than compartmentalize it on a shelf and ran from her problems by filing for divorce.

My story is somewhat opposite of your's. My exWW had an A with a deployed Lt. Colonel (and West Point grad). He was on his way home on emergency leave for the birth of his son (his wife was going into labor). My WW knew this and still decided it was OK to meet him in Atlanta on his overnight layover and cover it up with one of her business trips. Not only did I eventually tell his wife, but also reported him to his base Provost Marshall. Within days it quickly went up to his Colonel and General. In a nutshell I ended his 20 year career. I didn't even care. He's a dirtbag and had it coming.

If her AP has a spouse you need to let her know. But with a child I understand why you may not.

AStar posted 8/27/2013 09:15 AM

TryToBeBrave, I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
What you must know is that situation is in no way your fault. The fact that you are deployed and away from the house does not give your wife reason to cheat. Neither does family background justify cheating. People choose to cheat. Period. Many people are separated for various reasons and many people come from messed up backgrounds: yet they don't cheat. Be clear that this was a conscious choice made by your wife, whether alcohol was involved or not. I admire you for wanting to save your marriage and wanting to raise the child as your own. You certainly are a far more generous and forgiving person than I am, and I can only wonder at your resolve.
Please do not make any hasty decisions before your wife has come completely clean with you on what had happened. Her confession was prompted or forced because of the pregnancy. Not to be insensitive, but would she have told you if she weren't pregnant? Did she have an A / ONS at any other prior time?
You both need help in dealing with this situation and I wish you much strength and courage.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's a world of pain, I know.

Skan posted 8/27/2013 12:00 PM

TTBB, this may seem like a picky point, but it speaks straight to the heart of this situation and of the role, if you will, that your WW played in it.

i will be the first to understand and acknowledge that people make mistakes...

Your WW did not make a mistake. She made a decision. That's a very important distinction.

A mistake is when you show up at roll call with one black and one brown sock on. Oops, guess you shoulda turned the light on, when you dressed that morning. A mistake is grabbing the salt shaker instead of the pepper shaker. A mistake is grabbing the keys to the truck vice the sedan.

She made a decision. She made a decision to continue to talk to a man who, upon being informed that she was married, kept flirting. She made a decision to FB friend him. She made a decision to not tell you that it was him that she was babysitting for. She made a decision to get drunk, and she made a decision, multiple times, to sleep with him. She made a decision to do that without birth control. These are all decisions that she made. They were not mistakes, not oopsies, but decisions.

For your sake, please don't minimize the fact that her decisions have led both of you to where you are right now. I'm so sorry for being so blunt.

heartache101 posted 8/27/2013 12:14 PM

Good point and I didn't catch it!! I agree they make decisions albeit wrong wrong so very very wrong.

I hate to admit it but if this was one of my boys looking to take on a 18 year committment of raising another mans child from adultry. Well I would want the other man to legally sign over all his paternal rights asap! I would also want my son to get a pre nup signed by the now wife to state if there was a divorce that you the father would get full costudy of all children! Then I would feel better about the situation. Just me!! Again the child is innocent but you have to be able to love that child like your own. Remember that..

Good luck and stay safe.

TryingToBeBrave posted 8/27/2013 12:24 PM

i really appreciate everyones input and it has made me think more. i do feel like what she did was a choice. ive always put her first in my mind when contemplating make a decision on anything. she is first in my heart and mind. i feel like i wasnt first in her heart or mind when this happend. i couldnt imagine doin something like this to her. how do i get over this. how can i get over this. i want to stay with her. i love her so much, i havent stopped loving her one bit. but the pain and heartache is unimaginable. how can she make up for this. how can she gain trust from me again. when can i start trusting her. what do i do!?!?!? im so lost. i want her so bad it hurts but at the same time im scared to move forward.

lieshurt posted 8/27/2013 12:31 PM

i feel like i wasnt first in her heart or mind when this happend.

Of course you weren't. She was being selfish and only thinking of herself.

The thing you need to figure out is:

1) did she really end it with him or did he end it with her once she told him she was pregnant? He already has kids. The last thing he needs is another one.

2) Are you just her back up plan for support now that she doesn't have the OM to rely upon?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 12:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

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