"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Exit Wounds posted 9/5/2013 23:37 PM

Here is the copy of the email I received after I politely told him that we are just not a match. -He had other "red flags" that I can go into detail if you guys want more info but here is his response...

I thought it was a bit harsh. He made me out to be some bitch. Please keep in mind that we ONLY met once!

Here is what he wrote:

Home again, we didn't work over.

I am amazed at how you have managed this, friendship? Every thing ISN'T about you. Sorry. You continue to ask me questions about (his wife that died). Then you hang, and go over every word and every word that may mean I'm lying, looking for a reason to call me out. Over and over, you have done this. You ask a question, demand total honesty....... cause men lie........ and when you get it, you sit in judgement. Which, of course, places me on the defensive of an event you were not a part of nor do you have a vested interest in the outcome.

The email I sent this morning that set you off was something you asked for, I thought you were ready, maybe not. It was brutally honest about what happened and how I dealt with it. None of it was about you. Your reaction to it is exactly why most SMART men are NOT honest with women. And they get laid and have relationships and lie everyday. They are good at lying so they make money and live in nice neighborhoods and have sex and you know they are lying cause their lips are moving.

If you didn't wish to date, Why were you on a dating site?
If you didn't wish to date me, why did you ask me to drive to XXX?
You said you want a man to protect you. It's his job. This you said. It's on a tape that plays inside your head. They call it a script.

If you don't think I'm good enough cause of my car and was a deal breaker, Good.
If you think I act needy and I tell you I haven't had sex since the Fall of '07. You are right.
And for both of those things you'll have to live with yourself. But, don't feel special, many women have said those words, not good enough and needy, as they question why I turned down sex with a stranger. After they tell me they don't want a man that sleeps around. It's part of a script too. Tell him to go slow and slower and maybe Uh, never. It's a play to some how get back at an Ex or a Daddy or a mean Man. A tease, a man on a string. How many times must God make me watch this? All these things you have said and done. The bait you had was you didn't want a young, rich guy. I fell for it. But the dance was all the same, over and over.

I hope you find the help you need. Not for me, but for the next guy, so that he will be good enough and you two may be happy together. And some day you'll understand, It's not about me.

I went to a large Church about 18 months after (his wife) passed. I was there for 6 months, every day it was open. I did a mission to MX to help build houses. I was alone for Christmas. I had a meeting with two assistance ministers and my prayer group leader (I was in her house every Tuesday night). I told them I knew people that were not making connections. They turned it into a (his name) bash. I told them it wasn't about me. One of the men said, "God already gave you a wife. What more do you want?" The other man said, "This Church wasn't set up for your personal dating service." The woman, my prayer group leader said, "I would not introduce YOU (very surly) to anyone." I was there to help a woman that I knew, who herself had told me I was not good enough. But she did relate that she had been going to this Church for 6 years and her son told me she cried about being alone, every night. I told these ministers that I would never date anyone from their Church and I am a man of my word. I did ask if they made more money off of the lonely and the desperate then those happily paired up? They told me get out and like you, The Best.

If I am alone, It's cause God wishes me alone. Like Job, it allows SATAN to torment me and show me all that which I am not good enough to receive. It's why I as a man still have the need for sex, but no one to fulfill the need. It's why I know about that which I wrote to you this morning. I got to know, to hear about, but not be a part of, it was smeared in my face. xxx was the woman that laughed at me for crying over my wife's death. She stopped by that day, the day she died to laugh at me.

About 6 weeks before (his wife) died, she told me, everything had been to take care of her, even trips to far off places before she got too sick were for her. She said, soon she would be dead and I would be alone. She thought, and it happens, if she had been a better friend to women there may have been a woman that understood (this happens many times where the best friend marries the surviving spouse, it's human.) She didn't and I have been alone. I hope you never understand this, this alone.

I too, am stopping CM. Too much, BS. Too much drama. Too much. Too much. What I learned was I will live alone and die. It will be better then the past month on CM. Every day I pray to do HIS will and ask for Grace and I ask for Him to please let me go Home. And I pray for everyone that wishes to stay here, to please, stay here FOREVER.

If you wish to talk, you have my number
If you wish to write, I'll read it.
If you wish to ask why this or that from a guy's point of view, a guy that will never, ever have sex with you or want to. Ask.

Bee Sweet,

I was genuinely trying to find a guy. We only saw each other once. If I asked detailed questions, it was b/c I was interested, not b/c I thought he was a liar!

Help me out guys! I am confused. I really was not trying to hurt his feelings. I am sorry if the car is a deal breaker. But there was more. I don't want to get into that b/c I am not trying to bash him. It was just not a connection.

What think you SI?!

ETA He makes a reference to a woman (stranger) that he met. She apparently wanted to have sex with him but he refused b/c he wanted to get to know her better. (Not sure what that has to do with me. I never brought it up as a bad thing).

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:05 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

newlysingle posted 9/5/2013 23:51 PM

I know very little about OLD, but it seems to me like you just shouldn't give an explanation next time. Maybe just a short email stating that you don't feel your a match and good luck. It sounds like being honest about his car, etc really put him on the defense. Either way, it's a good thing you didn't spend anymore time getting to know this one. He seems pretty angry.

Exit Wounds posted 9/5/2013 23:58 PM

Thanks NS,

here is what my letter stated:

XXX,
just thinking about a few things made me realize that I am just not ready to date anyone. I still am hurting from my last relationship and trying to start something new is not fair to either of us. I do like you as a friend. I am not going back on CM but I do wish you the best in finding the one God chose for you. I guess what I am saying is that I would like to slow things down and let me just figure out where I stand. The death of my father is not letting me think clearly at this time. I think I just need space.

I wish you the absolute best!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:16 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

InnerLight posted 9/6/2013 00:01 AM

I would ignore his letter and don't respond. It's way too much judgement after just one date.

If you dont want to date someone you don't have to explain, you just say I am not feeling a romantic match, thank you for the cup of tea or dinner, and good luck in your search.

There no point in trying to understand him or his note. Just try to understand your own actions and motivations.

Wash that man right out of your hair!

trebleclef posted 9/6/2013 02:13 AM

Him, the fact that this was CM makes me wonder if it was the same guy I "met"! It honestly sounds like the same guy. We had only exchanged some emails through which I was trying to get some clarity on the rather complicated with his late wife, and I got the same kind of ballistic response. All the "poor me", "you don't trust me" ( What the heck - I don't even KNOW you!)guilt-producing, manipulative kind of crap. I wrote back that due to his volatile response we would no longer be corresponding. After more vitriol from him I blocked him. It's a crazy place out there; I was just glad to have dodged that bullet.

Good luck!

Catwoman posted 9/6/2013 04:39 AM

If that letter is all you sent, how is he so defensive about his choice of automobile? This is not making sense to me--how does he know how you feel about some of the aspects of his life?

While I think his letter was over the top, I can understand his indignation over you shutting the door because you are not ready to date. I wouldn't have said that. Like others say, just "I'm not feeling that we are a match" is more than sufficient.

I also think, based on some of your posts, that he has a few valid points. Not that it makes any difference to the outcome, but his first paragraph does bear reading and re-reading. I think he has a point, and you may want to think about your contribution to his hurt. Some of it isn't about you (just as a lot of what transpired between you two wasn't about HIM but about your ex).

You only had one in-person date and you're looking for a man to "protect" you? I think you need to step back and figure out how to be safe and secure and happy ON YOUR OWN before trying to date. Dating and relationships are not about protection--they are about enjoying mutual experiences, spending time together, etc. Sure, I want my fella to guard my heart and feelings. But ultimately, it is MY responsibility to make good choices about MY life and the people in it--it is not his obligation.

He has a lot to resolve. No question. But I think you do as well.

Cat

aesir posted 9/6/2013 05:26 AM

I too am a little puzzled about his reference to the car in that letter. I can say that for men beyond the age where smartphones are the number one aspirational item, since high school it has been a stereotype about some women selecting who to date based on vehicles.

Exit Wounds posted 9/6/2013 06:57 AM

Very valid points you guys. Here are some answers.

1. As far as his car, we talked about it over the phone once. I did not mention it in the "break up" letter. The letter you guys are reading is an exact copy of what I sent him.

2. As far as me asking for a man to "protect me?" Pleeeaase!!! That is in HIS mind. He must have drawn that from some other source. My guess is that he had many failed attempts and now is projecting them to me!
Not once did I ever say anything even in that direction! -I have become quite happy in my independence. HE is the one who said "I feel safe around you."
To me that statement was completely over the top! We only met once in person. That was it! I think HE is looking for someone to save and protect him!

3. In his first paragraph, again, I think he is projecting. I asked about his late wife. I not once tried to "call him out" Why would I? -It's HIS late wife! He is once again projecting, in my opinion. I was genuinely concerned about how she passed and I felt for the guy. I would never try to turn that into some sick way of trying to prove him wrong!

4. I did not "demand" the truth. Over some conversation on the phone, I mentioned that my last bf lied about so much and HE pointed out that he is always honest and how women don't appreciate an "honest guy".

5. I was the one matter of fact, that mentioned that I was looking for interdependence in a relationship (that was on CM, NOT directly to him). I was trying to make the point from jump that I was OK alone and happy alone. Which btw, I am now. It took me a long time to get here. My divorce was 5 years ago...(I did IC for several of those years).
BTW, I never called him "needy." My guess is that other's before me have...

I do see the point about just saying "sorry not a match" rather than what I wrote. Good point guys!
I guess that was my attempt of not hurting his feelings. I figured if I say "it's me, not you" then he would be less hurt over it.

Your thoughts?

ETA
Aesir, I can handle any used car, old car, beat up truck etc. But even I have my limits. This guy is 6 foot tall and driving the tiniest car on the road IN TX is just not my cup of tea. I MUCH MUCH MUCH rather would have seen him in a '70 beat up truck with paint missing, than that toy.
Sorry just one of my hang ups.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 7:13 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

cayc posted 9/6/2013 07:24 AM

That guy is super duper defensive. I didn't even read his whole response because it just dripped with woe is me the whole world is against me and it's all your fault.

The car thing. You obviously indicated at the very least you found his choice unusual. I find myself in that situation often. Someone says something/expresses an idea/preference that I had heretofore never considered, so I say "huh? really?" because my mind is saying "wow, unusual, what's up with that? let me think about this new thing that I've never considered". And the recipient of my "huh?" is mortally offended.

But they are mortally offended because they are primed to be. They are looking for insults.

Or perhaps you did sneer at the car thing. Well if he was offended it was his job to say so in the moment, not to start building a resentment list against you. And if he were building a resentment list, then we're back to, why the fulsome woe is me letter?

Yeah, everyone here is right. Your hang up about the car is odd & difficult to understand. But his letter? Bullet dodged.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:26 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Williesmom posted 9/6/2013 07:41 AM

Just another nut in the bowl of nuts that is online dating.

Ignore and move on.

aesir posted 9/6/2013 07:49 AM

Aesir, I can handle any used car, old car, beat up truck etc. But even I have my limits. This guy is 6 foot tall and driving the tiniest car on the road IN TX is just not my cup of tea. I MUCH MUCH MUCH rather would have seen him in a '70 beat up truck with paint missing, than that toy.
Sorry just one of my hang ups.

Not criticizing you, just mentioning how guys often think. Had you said to him "your rude to people, a child molesting cereal killer, I think you're responsible for burning The Hindenburg and sinking the Titanic, and by the way your car is ugly", he would still tell people you dumped him over his car.

ajsmom posted 9/6/2013 08:25 AM

I hope you're done letting this guy rent anymore space in your brain.

AJ's MOM

Newlease posted 9/6/2013 08:53 AM

Seems like he is projecting a lot of his insecurities onto you.

Let it go. Block, move on.

NL

Fireball72 posted 9/6/2013 09:29 AM

If there's THIS much drama after only one date, I think you should count your blessings that he's gone.

Ugh. WAY too much angst.

Take2 posted 9/6/2013 10:04 AM

...I think just paraphrasing cayc explains this one:

He is mortally offended because he is primed to be.

Your job is to keep striping away any priming you might have - like falling for this kind of guilt trip.
It sounds like he is the one not ready to date.

TrulyReconciled posted 9/6/2013 10:10 AM

Your reaction to it is exactly why most SMART men are NOT honest with women. And they get laid and have relationships and lie everyday. They are good at lying so they make money and live in nice neighborhoods and have sex and you know they are lying cause their lips are moving.

I don't see how any woman could want to spend time with a man who had that kind of attitude.

Just saying.

Crescita posted 9/6/2013 11:48 AM

Seems like he is projecting a lot of his insecurities onto you.
Let it go. Block, move on.

Took the words out of my mouth.

Any chance he knows you post on SI? Screen name, or photo crossover revealed in a google search? The stuff about the car being a "deal breaker" his neighborhood being questionable, you looking for a protector, it all seems a bit too on point to be a coincidence.

Exit Wounds posted 9/6/2013 11:59 AM

Crescita, anything is possible. Except I never mentined looking for a protector!
I think he has had several women and they all said the same things. Like they don't like his car, the questionable neighborhood and the wanting to have someone protect them...
I was not one of them but somehow he is projecting...

G.D. where are the normal men?!
Besides on SI

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/6/2013 12:06 PM

Forget him. Forget him and move on. It's SO not worth the drama!! I'm glad you found out early, though. Can you IMAGINE how he would have been if you had seen each other more than once???

Snapdragon posted 9/6/2013 16:34 PM

But they are mortally offended because they are primed to be. They are looking for insults.

cayc nailed this. I work with someone like this. The most innocuous thing will set her off into a rant of insulted indignation.

Seriously, though, when someone is a mess, it is their privilege to take everything and spin their own interpretation on it. That doesn't mean you have to stick around and listen to more.