My H seems to be (hes been to meeting, and I've seen the tests that seem to confirm that) a sex Addict. He took the "Lazy cheap" way and went on gay hook up sites. For the past 6 years, he's been with maybe 75-100 anonymous men.
Anyone else dealing with this?
Are you certain that he is a sex addict, and not merely discovering or accepting something about his own sexuality that may have been repressed? For a sex addict, he seems to be fairly selective on what he chooses. Sex addiction is hard enough to deal with, but if the relationship goes against someones primary sexuality, the chances of saving it are pretty much hopeless.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Hi. Welcome to SI.
You will find that your feelings are no different than those of the other BW's..the betrayal is the same. The patterns are the same.
The biggest difference is that you are also dealing with a double betrayal...unless you were aware that he likes to have sex with men before you married him.
I had no idea. We had been together for more than a decade..we had/have an amazing sex life..we had/have passion..real passion. I am not a stupid woman. He showed NO signs of this whatsoever before dday. It took me a good five months to get over the shock..I started looking myself in the mirror on a daily basis telling myself.."he did this..he REALLY did this" before it started sinking in....Im 3 years out,and I still have moments of disbelief.
He says he is not gay..or bisexual. I don't know if I believe that...I think he has to be bisexual..at least..to have done what he did...he did say he was bisexual,once...but has since recanted.
My WH was on craigslist..I found his secret email account one morning,because he had just placed an ad and checked his email and had forgotten to log off. The first email I read was from craigslist..telling him his ad had been placed..and it gave an example of the ad...the second email was from the man he hooked up with..telling him he really enjoyed the blow job,can we get together and do more..WH had responded with a "sure." The rest of that day is a painful blur.
Sigh. Most days I am ok..I am getting stronger..he is remorseful...has not acted out since January..when he stole..lied..porn..etc.
I am angry...oh yes..I am furious. He refuses IC..he knows what he did was wrong,won't do it again,loves me oh-so-much,etc,etc. He IS different..and lately things seem to be turning around...he is climbing out of his pit of shame and guilt and looking around at the devastation he has caused all of us. It only took him 3 years..and Im tired. So I am watching his actions..and watching.
If you choose to R,it's not going to be easy by any means. This is a very difficult thing to deal with.
What is he doing to show you he wants to R? What is he doing to make himself a safe partner for you?
Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?
Im so sorry you're dealing with this.
(((((PollyA)))))
You will find there are a few others here,like us. Some are trying to R...some didn't. But we are here. And you have been betrayed every bit as a BW whose WH had sex/an A with a woman. It's the same pain,just different players. I have never been made to feel as if I shouldn't feel every ounce of the pain I feel by anyone here at SI. You will be welcomed here..we will take care of you.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
(((HUGS)))
early sexual trauma and/or abuse *can* create this type of duality in a person's sexuality
can also be related to escalation issues in addiction, and/or the intimacy issues associated with SA
there's a thread in I Can Relate Forum for "Spouses of SA"(sex addicts) that you might find interesting
i'm so sorry you had to find us - Welcome to SI
[This message edited by A Woman Scorned at 3:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
"Oh, look what the whore-cat dragged in... a whore" Stan Smith, American Dad
He says he isn't gay or bi and I believe him. He does have an incident of abuse by a man though.
Yes..you don't know who you can trust him with. It's said on here all the time..no female friends if the WH cheats with a woman and has poor boundaries. But what about those men who cheat with men and women(he tried to hook up with 3 girls on CL..he says he just wanted pics..I dont believe that)? What do we say to them? NO friends? Yeah..can't really do that,can we? WH works mostly with men..it makes me nervous..not that I think he would DO anything with them..but does he THINK about it? He says no..but I don't know if that is true.
Not all men who act out like this were abused. I have asked WH a few times..he adamantly denies it. And I have no reason to think otherwise. His parents are good people,they were married nearly 50 years when DFIL passed away this past May. DFIL was a great man. And I have never felt a weird vibe around any of them(I know not all child molesters set off a vibe..but I come from a long line of abuse involving children..I have always been hyper-vigilant..especially where my kids are concerned). WH had a good childhood. His parenst worked a lot,and he could have used more attention,affection,and supervision,but he wasn't abused.
There is a fear that BS's who are in our position have that other BS's don't have. We have to question our WS's sexuality. It is very,very painful. It has caused my self esteem to bottom out..I have had moments of hating my body..because I don't have a penis. How INSANE is THAT?? I am a 41 year old,fit,attractive,sexy woman. I have always felt confident in myself,sexually. But this has caused me to doubt absolutely everything.
3 years out..WH is finally getting it..but I don't know if I can do this any longer.
I love him. But do I love ME more?
For my WH, events from his early childhood + "just enjoying a cock every now and then" and finally -exactly as you put it: the "lazy cheap" way are all reasons that he didn't just "stick with women." -no pun intended.
The lazy cheap (if I understand it the way you meant it) is that men are far more available, easy, and no-strings-attached on sites like C/L, etc. Women took more effort, so he got to the point where he didn't bother with them anymore. Bi?-sure, it certainly sounds like it. But, also, it sounds like he was desperate and lazy.
I, of course, had NO idea whatsoever about ANY of this. To be honest, the "bi" thing really wasn't as shocking to me as some of the other horrific behaviors, except for the fact that, as confused said:
NOW, keep in mind, that he has been consistent with the story (not that consistency with him makes it true, he's a liar, after all) that he "did not ever [while we were married] ACTUALLY hookup with the men." It was all MB via phone and computer AT work until one day he left work to go to one (of thousands of them) of their houses. His story is that there was some story on the news at the time about some C/L killing and it freaked him out SO bad that he "woke up" and drove straight home and thus started his reflection of the extent of what an utterly f-'d up individual he was. He also said that he would have absolutely gone down that road again, had he not had help from his CSAT....
I'm all over the place, because I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this-2+ years later. At the bare minimum, this is not the contract I signed, verbally or on paper when I married him. This is not the person that was presented to me when I first met him. I did not agree to any of this and the same sex thing really (to me) is just one more betrayal in a series of horrific lies.
also, I didn't state that all sexual abuse leads to this type of acting out
just to clarify, as i'm being non-quoted here
eta further clarification - I *don't believe* that all sexual abuse MUST/most certainly/absofrikkinlutely leads to this type of acting out
just to be clear
[This message edited by A Woman Scorned at 3:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
I remember being so shocked that my straight laced husband who is in law enforcement could do this. As if the 5 other women weren't enough! I knew I couldn’t compete. I don’t have the same equipment. His confession was the end of R. A few months later I moved out and we divorced shortly after.
It’s a tough battle. You are a stronger woman than I to try to recover from this.
I do believe some people can be bisexual, but a straight guy having gay hookups seems far-fetched to me.
Sending strength and peace.
NL
