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PollyA posted 9/6/2013 00:57 AM

I am having trouble finding folks who share this situation.

My H seems to be (hes been to meeting, and I've seen the tests that seem to confirm that) a sex Addict. He took the "Lazy cheap" way and went on gay hook up sites. For the past 6 years, he's been with maybe 75-100 anonymous men.

Anyone else dealing with this?

aesir posted 9/6/2013 05:13 AM

There are a couple of members here that I am aware of. There is also a thread for Same Sex AP's in the I Can Relate Forum.

Are you certain that he is a sex addict, and not merely discovering or accepting something about his own sexuality that may have been repressed? For a sex addict, he seems to be fairly selective on what he chooses. Sex addiction is hard enough to deal with, but if the relationship goes against someones primary sexuality, the chances of saving it are pretty much hopeless.

confused615 posted 9/6/2013 05:22 AM

That would be me.

Hi. Welcome to SI.

You will find that your feelings are no different than those of the other BW's..the betrayal is the same. The patterns are the same.

The biggest difference is that you are also dealing with a double betrayal...unless you were aware that he likes to have sex with men before you married him.

I had no idea. We had been together for more than a decade..we had/have an amazing sex life..we had/have passion..real passion. I am not a stupid woman. He showed NO signs of this whatsoever before dday. It took me a good five months to get over the shock..I started looking myself in the mirror on a daily basis telling myself.."he did this..he REALLY did this" before it started sinking in....Im 3 years out,and I still have moments of disbelief.

He says he is not gay..or bisexual. I don't know if I believe that...I think he has to be bisexual..at least..to have done what he did...he did say he was bisexual,once...but has since recanted.

My WH was on craigslist..I found his secret email account one morning,because he had just placed an ad and checked his email and had forgotten to log off. The first email I read was from craigslist..telling him his ad had been placed..and it gave an example of the ad...the second email was from the man he hooked up with..telling him he really enjoyed the blow job,can we get together and do more..WH had responded with a "sure." The rest of that day is a painful blur.

Sigh. Most days I am ok..I am getting stronger..he is remorseful...has not acted out since January..when he stole..lied..porn..etc.

I am angry...oh yes..I am furious. He refuses IC..he knows what he did was wrong,won't do it again,loves me oh-so-much,etc,etc. He IS different..and lately things seem to be turning around...he is climbing out of his pit of shame and guilt and looking around at the devastation he has caused all of us. It only took him 3 years..and Im tired. So I am watching his actions..and watching.

If you choose to R,it's not going to be easy by any means. This is a very difficult thing to deal with.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R? What is he doing to make himself a safe partner for you?

Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

Im so sorry you're dealing with this.

(((((PollyA)))))

You will find there are a few others here,like us. Some are trying to R...some didn't. But we are here. And you have been betrayed every bit as a BW whose WH had sex/an A with a woman. It's the same pain,just different players. I have never been made to feel as if I shouldn't feel every ounce of the pain I feel by anyone here at SI. You will be welcomed here..we will take care of you.

hallelujah posted 9/6/2013 11:26 AM

I can relate to some degree. We are a heterosexual couple but H told me 5 years after we got married that he had been having sex with a man that he had originally hooked up with as a teen. They met every once in a while for sex. As far as I know, he only ever connected with this one man and it would seem that he hasn't met him since he confessed. H maintains that he is straight. I can't decide what I think about that. I suspect that he couldn't admit it even if he were gay or bisexual due to a strong religious homophobic upbringing. Either way it was a horrific betrayal. All the more so, because we were still in the religious, homophobic church at the time and I had nobody I could talk to. I think it causes a slightly different sense of fear than a spouse who betrays heterosexually. I sometimes still struggle with the thought that he could be fucking ANYBODY. Or the fear that he really is gay and feels stuck in this marriage. It seems awful to hold him to his marriage vows and heterosexuality if that is not his orientation. He says he is happy and wants to be with me. Evidence seems to support that so I go with it, but for the rest of my life there will always be a question deep down.

Nature_Girl posted 9/6/2013 11:53 AM

I have a friend who's husband is into gay S&M anonymous hookups. They're divorcing. It's just not safe for her & the children.

(((HUGS)))

A Woman Scorned posted 9/6/2013 12:06 PM

you can also research recreating trauma/abuse

early sexual trauma and/or abuse *can* create this type of duality in a person's sexuality

can also be related to escalation issues in addiction, and/or the intimacy issues associated with SA

there's a thread in I Can Relate Forum for "Spouses of SA"(sex addicts) that you might find interesting

i'm so sorry you had to find us - Welcome to SI

[This message edited by A Woman Scorned at 3:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

CheaterMagnet posted 9/6/2013 12:12 PM

My SAWH had same sex hookups also. He said that he thought it would be less of a betrayal than having sex with another woman (though he did that too). He also said that when your eyes are closed a mouth is a mouth.

He says he isn't gay or bi and I believe him. He does have an incident of abuse by a man though.

confused615 posted 9/6/2013 12:20 PM

Hallelujah..I have those same fears..that one day he'll come home and tell me he's gay...I don't have anyone I can talk to either...if I do..they will KNOW..you know? Not that I am ashamed..but I have kids with this man,and if we R and stay together,I don't want them to know..it will confuse them..it confuses me.

Yes..you don't know who you can trust him with. It's said on here all the time..no female friends if the WH cheats with a woman and has poor boundaries. But what about those men who cheat with men and women(he tried to hook up with 3 girls on CL..he says he just wanted pics..I dont believe that)? What do we say to them? NO friends? Yeah..can't really do that,can we? WH works mostly with men..it makes me nervous..not that I think he would DO anything with them..but does he THINK about it? He says no..but I don't know if that is true.

Not all men who act out like this were abused. I have asked WH a few times..he adamantly denies it. And I have no reason to think otherwise. His parents are good people,they were married nearly 50 years when DFIL passed away this past May. DFIL was a great man. And I have never felt a weird vibe around any of them(I know not all child molesters set off a vibe..but I come from a long line of abuse involving children..I have always been hyper-vigilant..especially where my kids are concerned). WH had a good childhood. His parenst worked a lot,and he could have used more attention,affection,and supervision,but he wasn't abused.

There is a fear that BS's who are in our position have that other BS's don't have. We have to question our WS's sexuality. It is very,very painful. It has caused my self esteem to bottom out..I have had moments of hating my body..because I don't have a penis. How INSANE is THAT?? I am a 41 year old,fit,attractive,sexy woman. I have always felt confident in myself,sexually. But this has caused me to doubt absolutely everything.

3 years out..WH is finally getting it..but I don't know if I can do this any longer.

I love him. But do I love ME more?

Eudaimonia posted 9/6/2013 12:36 PM

Yep.
But, I think that Aesir has made a crucial point. Before we start self/spouse diagnosing anyone as SA, it might be a good idea to dig further into what caused your H to make the choices he did and then get an official opinion of what course to take.

For my WH, events from his early childhood + "just enjoying a cock every now and then" and finally -exactly as you put it: the "lazy cheap" way are all reasons that he didn't just "stick with women." -no pun intended.

The lazy cheap (if I understand it the way you meant it) is that men are far more available, easy, and no-strings-attached on sites like C/L, etc. Women took more effort, so he got to the point where he didn't bother with them anymore. Bi?-sure, it certainly sounds like it. But, also, it sounds like he was desperate and lazy.

I, of course, had NO idea whatsoever about ANY of this. To be honest, the "bi" thing really wasn't as shocking to me as some of the other horrific behaviors, except for the fact that, as confused said:

The biggest difference is that you are also dealing with a double betrayal...unless you were aware that he likes to have sex with men before you married him.

NOW, keep in mind, that he has been consistent with the story (not that consistency with him makes it true, he's a liar, after all) that he "did not ever [while we were married] ACTUALLY hookup with the men." It was all MB via phone and computer AT work until one day he left work to go to one (of thousands of them) of their houses. His story is that there was some story on the news at the time about some C/L killing and it freaked him out SO bad that he "woke up" and drove straight home and thus started his reflection of the extent of what an utterly f-'d up individual he was. He also said that he would have absolutely gone down that road again, had he not had help from his CSAT....

I'm all over the place, because I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this-2+ years later.

At the bare minimum, this is not the contract I signed, verbally or on paper when I married him. This is not the person that was presented to me when I first met him. I did not agree to any of this and the same sex thing really (to me) is just one more betrayal in a series of horrific lies.

A Woman Scorned posted 9/6/2013 12:48 PM

the OP states that her wh has been attending meetings and has done tests - I don't think anybody is arm-chairing this; rather I was respecting what the OP had stated

also, I didn't state that all sexual abuse leads to this type of acting out

just to clarify, as i'm being non-quoted here

eta further clarification - I *don't believe* that all sexual abuse MUST/most certainly/absofrikkinlutely leads to this type of acting out

just to be clear

[This message edited by A Woman Scorned at 3:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Tesa posted 9/6/2013 13:14 PM

One of my ex-WS As was with a man. He didn't confess to this until 5 months into R.

I remember being so shocked that my straight laced husband who is in law enforcement could do this. As if the 5 other women weren't enough! I knew I couldn’t compete. I don’t have the same equipment. His confession was the end of R. A few months later I moved out and we divorced shortly after.

It’s a tough battle. You are a stronger woman than I to try to recover from this.

confused615 posted 9/6/2013 13:21 PM

A Woman Scorned..you are not being "non quoted here." I was simply offering a different POV..that yes..it IS true that many men who act out in this way have been abused...no argument there..that not ALL have been..because my WH hasn't been. I was sharing MY experience.

Newlease posted 9/6/2013 13:43 PM

Wow - I didn't know straight men would have sex with other men. Even the heterosexual men I know who are NOT homophobic don't want another penis anywhere near their mouth or any other part of their body.

I do believe some people can be bisexual, but a straight guy having gay hookups seems far-fetched to me.

Sending strength and peace.

NL