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YoungMistakes83 posted 9/8/2013 11:36 AM

Prior to my BH repressed emotions I was at about 155lbs and was working on loosing weight. During last summer's blow-up of emotions I lost 35lbs and was very thin. I kept it off until April of this year and as I stated to get more and more depressed, all that weight came back on, and fast. My BH is deployed and left a little over a month ago. It has been my plan to use the time that he is away to get my weight back on track. My son is autistic, and things are not always calm and going as planned. I have not lost any weight yet. Since he's been gone he has constantly been emailing with tips, diet info, exercise info, etc. I understand he's trying to help, but it was getting under my skin. So, last night he brought up that I was feeling resentful and I agreed that I was a bit. Long story short, he confessed that at my current weight he is not attracted to me and would like me to be thin again. So, yeah. I'm sad, angry (at him and myself) and feel completely undesirable. I'll be turning 30 next week and I was trying to approach it happy and satisfied with where I was in life. Now, what's the point. I kept asking him to leave me alone about it, give me a chance to find my own way. Now, all I feel is more failure.

IAteTheApple posted 9/8/2013 11:51 AM

Ooh, that just made me mad for you! Here's what I think, take it with a grain of salt or what-have-you:

Betrayeds have every right to have some emotional backlash over what we've done to their lives. BUT there is a line, and I don't think Waywards should put up with abuse because we think we deserve it. I think your BH's comment crossed a line, and needs to be handled. I know he's deployed, but when he gets back, I think that's almost something you need counseling for.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/8/2013 12:33 PM

Is that what this is, just backlash? If it were I think I could handle it better, but that's not it. He just knows what he wants and I don't meet that standard. Because of my a I don't have any leeway. Im mad that now this isn't just about me getting to a healthy weight, my marriage depends on it. I'm also mad that at a time like this (high stress) why couldn't he just show me some love and support?

AML04 posted 9/8/2013 14:38 PM

I hope you don't mind me posting since I'm a BS. I think that is completely unacceptable for him to say. Just because you had a A doesn't give him the right to not support you in a healthy way. Struggles with weight can be brought on by depression but they can also fuel it. I don't care if he's a BS or not, he should encourage you to be healthy for your well-being, not how "attractive" you are.
Sex between a married couple shouldnt only be about that physical attraction anyway. I have learned for me it's about establishing the intimacy. When we didn't have that, I really didn't want to have sex with my H. Now that we're building our new relationship we're closer and I find myself a lot more "attracted" to him.
I wish you all the best with this. If you want to lose weight, do it for you, to make you happy.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/8/2013 16:11 PM

he confessed that at my current weight he is not attracted to me and would like me to be thin again.

Is this an exact quote or more your interpretation if what he was trying say? Because just two sentences before that you stated

I understand he's trying to help, but it was getting under my skin.

If you really understand that he is trying to help, then the fact that it was getting under your skin is about you, not him. It's about how you feel about yourself. And if that's the case, you may be interpreting his words in a more negative tone.

Look, most people know that talking about a woman's weight is like walking through a minefield. Is it possible that he was trying to tell you what he prefers not what he demands? I mean answer yourself honestly, would you prefer your husband to sport a six pack or be doughy? Do you want Brad Pitt or John Candy? Of course you have a preference, but that may not always be the reality.

Sometimes we hear what we want to because it suits how we truly feel about ourselves. So all I ask is that you take a step back and look at what he might have been trying to say. Maybe come at it with he might actually have the best of intentions instead of jumping to the worst case scenario.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/8/2013 16:24 PM

No, I didn't misinterpret. I don't think he's going to divorce me over my weight, but he made it very clear he doesn't like me at my current weight. He also lost substantial weight last year and has better luck keeping it off. He has the 6 pack. Great for him, but it's not at my preference, I have actually told him that I like him a little heavier, but whatever. I've been spiraling in and out of depression all year. I've been suicidal and have shared this with him. What sucks it that he couldn't be understanding or gentle. He just wants me to lose the weight. As he's been asking what he can do to help over the past month I keep asking him to just back off and let me figure it out. Sometimes, even with the goal of losing weight, other issues take priority. I'd like to be able to go a week without crying my eyes out. I'd like to go a week with out feeling overwhelmed by life. I'm already dealing with loneliness from the deployment, not I just more alienated.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/8/2013 16:57 PM

No, I didn't misinterpret

I'm not entirely convinced and here is why
Im mad that now this isn't just about me getting to a healthy weight, my marriage depends on it.

Did he say this? Or your interpretation? Because then you contradict by saying
I don't think he's going to divorce me over my weight,

I think it's possible that neither one of you are communicating well on the subject.

Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive. If there was ever anyone who understands a battle with the pounds it's me. Quite often I let the scale dictate how I feel about myself. How I feel about myself then impacts every other aspect of my life. So aside from what your husband does or does not think, what do you want for yourself? Do you think it's impacting your self esteem? Or are you resentful that it even has to be an issue?

I found that becoming a healthy person meant working on both my mind and my body as the two are very closely related.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/8/2013 17:05 PM

He clearly stated that he is only attracted to thin people. He even feels like that is shallow, but that's just the way it is. I don't think he's going to divorce me over my weight, but now the happiness of my marriage is very much dependent on my ability to lose weight before he comes home. Now it's a standard for him and not just about my health. I guess what I'm more upset about (I'm not really upset that he wants me thinner...duh) I'm upset that there is no support. I haven't received a single email encouraging me, just emails about what I should or shouldn't do. There's no hun, I love you, I want you to be healthy, it's hun, I'm really prefer thin people, so this is going to be an issue.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/8/2013 17:50 PM

There's no hun, I love you, I want you to be healthy,

Do you actually tell him that that's what you want? Or do you only tell him to "back off" and let you figure it out? There's a big difference.

So he had made it clear what he wants. You have stated that you have been tired if trying to read between the lines. Now you know. It's up to you what you want to do with that information. Would support from him be nice? Well yes, of course. But perhaps it's hard for him to be supportive of you in an affectionate manner when you have made it clear to him while he is on deployment you will find other men to validate you. Perhaps being super supportive of you while he is gone is a trigger and too close to taking some blame. Maybe he wants you to do what's right on your own volition.

Or maybe he is really just an asshole in which case you have some decisions to make. Either way, working on yourself only benefits you. Find support from a group. There is a thread in ICR that offers support. There are weight watchers groups. There are ways to get the support you desire.

Perhaps once he sees that it has become important to you he will turn around. If its not important to you, you need to communicate that with him in a clear way and go from there.

I might be reading way too much into this. I just know from personal experience that I projected tons onto my BH. I felt he had settled for me and would leave if or when he had the chance. I felt that it had a lot to do with my physical appearance. I struggled with feeling beautiful. I relied heavily on others to get me there. And I thought anything nice my BH said was because he had to as my husband. But if I had been listening I would have realized that his support was there all along. I just refused to hear it at the time.

So when I see these threads where WSs complain about their BS, I have to wonder is it a communication issue, a matter of perception, or is the BS truly being unreasonable. It could be all three, but I think all angles should be explored before jumping on a band wagon.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/8/2013 20:13 PM

Yeah, so that's the standard he wants. You make some good points WOE, thanks for the 2x4. I don't know what I want to do with the standard. I think I'll have to take Apple's advice and seek more MC or IC. But, it still sucks. And it hurts.

wincings_sparkle posted 9/9/2013 19:45 PM

IMO, he was trying to be supportive by "emailing with tips, diet info, exercise info, etc"

And you threw that support in his face. You resent him for the support that he offered because he didn't offer it in such a way that you wanted it.


he confessed that at my current weight he is not attracted to me and would like me to be thin again.

He trusted you enough to be honest. Would that more people were honest about their desires. And instead of respecting his opinion and honest desire for you... you trip out.

This is an easy way for you to blameshift your lack of making your weight a priority.

This is an easy way for you to turn it all around and blame him for your failure rather than own that you haven't made weight loss a priority.

You both want the same thing. YOU just don't want to do the work to get it done.

He can't do it for you.

Suck it up and start exercising. Do what you need to do for you and bask in the fact that it will be good for your marriage too.

Put on your big girl panties and do what you need to do.

Aubrie posted 9/9/2013 20:41 PM

I agree with Sparkle on this one. (Good to "see you Sparkle!)

I have struggled with my weight since my miscarriage between DD and DS. Got all inspired and told QS I was gonna get healthy. Asked for his support. He started giving tips, showing me articles, etc. etc. He would come home from work every day and ask about my workout. Which I hadn't done because *insert excuse here* I bit his head off. Told him to bug off and quit pressuring me. Guess who hasn't said a word about my weight since then?

Does he like my extra weight? Not at all. But he doesn't say anything about it because my reaction to the last time he did, was less than stellar.

I'm a SAHM that home schools two different grade levels with two opposite personalities. I have to keep our household going as well. I have made countless excuses to not exercise. I'm too tired. The kids wore me out. I had to run errands for QS. There weren't enough hours in the day. On and on.

I'm gonna be 30 next year and its something I'm struggling with. I have two goals that I always wanted to do before then. I've got 1 year to do them now. Its now or never. Its crunch time. I have no one to blame for not getting my act together other than me.

I do squats and lunges while I'm waiting for the shower water to heat up. I do jumping jacks while I wait for breakfast to cook. I do crunches while the coffeepot brews. I have to take a few extra minutes to make sure there is healthy food available and prepped for consumption. Healthy food readily available means no picking up crap in the fast food drive thru.

I'm doing this quietly (till now) on my own. Haven't told anyone, haven't told QS. But he has noticed. He asked about my legs the other night. My hard work and sacrifices are paying off. I'm making progress on one of my goals.

I understand it probably hurts to hear your husband say he doesn't find you attractive. But he is being honest with you, just like he expects you to be honest with him. And you said you would loose the weight. Don't make this his problem.

Buckle up. Good luck.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/9/2013 21:42 PM

While I see the wisdom in your words, I still feel like it was uncalled for. I knew he wanted me thin, I don't so much have a problem with him sharing that. I have a problem with him sharing it at a time when I completely unstable. He has not said once all deployment that he missed me. Only that he missed home, I've told him over and over again how much I'm struggling. And to be honest, it's not like I'm not doing stuff. I'm taking fitness and nutrition classes this semester and I have started applying what I'm learning and for fitness, I have to work out 4 times per week. I'm not sitting on my ass doing nothing. I'm just not attacking it the way he wants me to be.

[This message edited by YoungMistakes83 at 9:50 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 21:48 PM

Having struggled with my weight fluctuations for so much of my adult life, the A brought out an interesting fact in our past. When my WS started his A I was actually at my lowest weight in 10 years, working out 2 hours a day in the gym as well as biking on my own. He had no idea if you can believe it!!!!

He how's says to me he wants me to be healthy, whatever that weight is that fine as long as I am active, happy and healthy. This has been a huge relief for me because the meds and the emotional roller coaster have taken a toll on my body issues.


Aubrie posted 9/9/2013 22:41 PM

I understand your depression adds another layer into this crap cake. But think about it. You're safe at home, surrounded by familiarity. He is deployed. A million miles from home, possibly in danger, and he's a year out from Dday. He is probably scared and nervous about you alone, all those miles away. If you cheat again, he won't know. Also, he could be reaching the anger phase. Or the plain of lethal flatness. And your concern is that he isn't validating you....

Where is your concern for him and his feelings? Especially considering he's a BS only a year out?

mrmarx posted 9/10/2013 00:31 AM

I agree with Aubrie's84 assertion. Honestly him missing you and you loosing weight are separate issues.
Quite frankly, whilst he loves you he may find it difficult with an overweight person. I don't understand how that is insulting. My wife told me that my stomach was getting fat, didn't get insulted. Luckily I'm not overweight so I just started eating healthier. She also told me wearing socks during sex is not attractive either. Not insulted in the least, apparently I blushed a lot but I would rather her be honest.

If he doesn't find it attractive, he doesn't find it attractive. He's just trying to be supportive with the emails and tips. I would find it annoying, so I would let him know that. There may be some vindictiveness in how he felt telling you, but the message is still the same.

I understand you had affairs when he was deployed. I wonder if you are looking for an excuse in your head, the 'slippery slope' so to speak in doing it again.

YoungMistakes83 posted 9/10/2013 02:10 AM

That a was close to 12 years ago. It is not possible for me to be on a slippery slope.

EasyDoesIt posted 9/10/2013 02:53 AM

I think honesty is important. He was honest with her about how he feels about her physically. I sit here 30 lbs overweight and am kind of disgusted, I've never been this out of shape.

He might have found a better way to discuss it, but he's being honest.

aesir posted 9/10/2013 03:12 AM

I don't want to get into a discussion about all the other details on weight or deployment or things you can't do much about until he returns. Not sure I have much constructive (or even destructive) to add to this.

That a was close to 12 years ago. It is not possible for me to be on a slippery slope.

This is a dangerous thought. We are all walking past slippery slopes every day. Some we recognize and stay away from, others we ignore because nothing draws our attention to them and we happily walk by. Regardless of if we step onto them or not, the slippery slopes are still there.

uncertainone posted 9/10/2013 03:54 AM

YM, how do YOU feel about your weight? It appears it bothers you as well. Stop focusing on his comments and tackle it from a different angle.

I know weight is a minefield for many women. Don't know why. If "your" guy liked women that were thinner, why would that preference change. Loving someone isn't a fast pass to, "see all this? well hope you got a good look because it's a limited showing".

The message to me is far from shallow and says quite a bit. Barring true medical conditions, weight is controllable. It's also a personal responsibility to take the best care we can of ourselves. In fact, the greatest gift you can give your partner is to take care of yourself.

He's deployed. He's got a full plate. Take this time to get your house in order. Get a handle on your depression, work at self soothing and getting healthy. Do it for yourself. Do it to help contribute to building a healthy relationship.

Take his suggestions, thank him, talk with your dr about managing your depression and healthy weight loss. Your turn to support him. I'm sure he misses home. It's kind of hard to miss someone depressed and resentful. Logically, I'm sure that makes sense. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

If you can take these steps as working toward a heathy you you're the one steering it and setting these goals. No place for resentment there.

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