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He's upset that I still have questions !

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downanddazed posted 9/9/2013 16:26 PM

So, D-Day was about 6 weeks ago. One month ago, a woman texted him while we were in the car. I asked him who she was. He stated that the connection was business related. I later found out that the text was about them getting together for a meeting. That meeting fell through. However, weekend before last, he received a message from her about going to a football watching party. I asked him then who she was and where did they meet. He states they have mutual friends and they have had drinks with these friends at a bar. He is upset that I'm asking questions and thinks that I didn't ask the most important question which is "Am I invited?"
Anyway, we ended up dropping the whole conversation and this weekend arrives. He assumed that we were going to this party. I told him that we never finished our discussion and Im not sure I want to go. I asked again who is this person (I already knew that she was some kind of massage therapist, but did not know the nature of their acquaintance). He didn't want to answer. This made him visibly angry. He eventually spills that shes a massage therapist who gave him a sensual massage over 2 years ago. They don't have any contact like that now.
Why the hell is he asking me to go to a party with him when that's how he knows this woman??

Anyway, he is then upset with me for still asking questions and ruining our weekend. He states that rather than trying to find out his connection to her, I should have just told him I don't know her and prefer we don't go to the party and leave it at that. He goes on to say that he thinks I'm just gathering information for a lawyer.

He blames me for our fight this weekend for asking him more questions. Although I think I have the right to continue asking questions, it makes not sense to me why he even wanted to subject me to this.

I know that he has been NC with affair partners from this D-day. But, I am tired of hearing that I am trying to twist a knife, when Im trying to protect myself. I'm tired of hearing how I ruined something and that Im just trying to make him suffer.

He did mention that he thinks his pride is getting in the way. He doesn't get that the affair is not my fault but that I take responsibility for some of our marital problems. He wants to blame me for some of the affair and not be seen as a bad guy. I don't make personal attacks but have expressed how hurt I am. I'm tired of TT being blamed on me. I asked him to tell me everything but he's still telling half truths about the past and getting mad when I have more questions because things don't add up with what I know.

Now he's asking me what else do you know and calling me the "ultimate detective" This is tiring.

I didn't want things to come to this but with regrets and no real remorse I think I am headed to D.

crazyblindsided posted 9/9/2013 16:45 PM

I am in the exact same position right now at 18 months from DDay.


I'm not allowed to bring up the A anymore because he doesn't bring mine up. I had a RA after his first A, so he thinks since he is over my A that I should be over his 4 A's and false r, TT, being blamed, broken NC, etc.

Jrazz posted 9/9/2013 16:55 PM

Remorse is THE key ingredient to Reconciliation. Then comes work at rebuilding.

I'm so sorry that he's trying to put this back on you. Don't let him. It's more than ok to still have questions.

If it seems feasible at all, reading "How to help your Spouse heal from your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" is a true eye-opener.

Whether he's doing this on purpose or just doesn't get it, it's hard to try and heal when the WS is lacking in compassion. Take small steps, listen to your gut, and make the decisions that you know are best for you.


aesir posted 9/9/2013 16:57 PM

Fastest way to get rdd of questions is to answer them fully.

Tearsoflove posted 9/9/2013 17:01 PM

Why is he still in contact with someone who gave him a "sensual massage" two years ago (while you were married- I might add)?

He's upset that you ask him questions about the people he knows? You're his wife! If any person should be able to ask questions about his "friends" it should be you.

This is a man who is neither remorseful or even considerate of your feelings. Please read the 180. It may be the only way to prepare and protect yourself from the further hurts that I'm sure are coming.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:01 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 9/9/2013 17:14 PM

I'm so sorry he's acting this way. It will not help you heal, that's for sure. You should be able to ask any question and get not only honesty but kindness. You should be able to trigger and know that he will be there to hold you through it. You should be able to meet females without questioning where he knows them from (after 17 years together) but sadly your H is not treating you with that kind of respect.

I think a strong 180 is in order. I see you are pregnant so that must make this so much more difficult. Is there any way you can find an MC and meet with him/her alone first? You want to screen to make sure they aren't going to suggest you rug sweep and accept blame.

Girlietoo posted 9/9/2013 17:17 PM

He sounds like a guilty man trying to gaslight you and protect his own ass. I don't know your husband or why he is doing what he is doing but he certainly isn't working towards R if that is the way he is acting/speaking to you.

Please do protect yourself, just in case. You are NOT crazy.

Razor posted 9/9/2013 17:20 PM


Triggerish for me too because WW did things similar to your WH does.

WW felt that the LTA was over so we should just go along like it never happened. She would be upset that I didnt want her to go to work reunions and get togethers even though her LTA started at her work and OM could be at these functions AND many of the others that were there knew of what she was up to with him. WW said I was trying to *control* her and that I was trying to *punish* her.

WW refused to answer questions. And now if I ask I get the *I dont remember* lie.

It seems your WH has no remorse and really doesnt care about your feelings at all. After all *he is over it so you should be too*

How are you going to handle this situ?

downanddazed posted 9/9/2013 17:30 PM

Crazy blindsided-I feel your pain

Aesir, tearsoflove _ agree with you completely. And I don't understand why he thought it would be okay for our family to meet her. I have asked him to just tell me everything at once so I can try to move forward, but he only wants to answer questions. I get "what else do you have?" and I'm answering what else haven't you told me? What are you still hiding? I know I don't have a full story and I don't know how long he has been unfaithful. But asking about anything prior to what happened this D-day makes him really uncomfortable.

He thinks because he has tried to ask me how I feel and tried to be supportive and kept me in the loop on where he is for the last three weeks, He thinks that I am bringing us back if I still have questions, or am still upset at times.

I am going to try the 180 but its so hard to be unemotional when you are pregnant.

downanddazed posted 9/9/2013 18:56 PM

So, my plan was to try the 180

But he called me on his way home from work saying that he wants to be more supportive and that he is sorry for letting his pride and ego get in the way.

Then as a gesture, he found a new MC for us and set an appointment for next week ( we saw another counselor a month ago that wasn't working for either of us).

We'll see what happens

StillLivin posted 9/9/2013 19:32 PM

My WH did the same thing. He blameshifted, picked fights was regretful, but only partially remorseful. Then he blamed me for him not being able to cope with MY issues, as if the affair was my fault...oh yeah, I forgot that was my fault in his mind because I wasn't "nice" 24/7.
No person can tell you what to do. But, you have to ask yourself, when does it stop? How much more of this am I willing to take?
BTW I served him with LS papers the day he came home from Afghanistan. I hit my breaking point when he told me that I was the emotional abuser and sounded so convinced that he believed that crap.
Now, he doesn't get to come home until several months worth of ACTION. Until then, or until I file for D, I am NC, and 180 when we absolutely HAVE to have contact. Most stuff can go through my attorney.
His window of opportunity closed. It isn't locked, but closed.
I refuse to take his crap. I just refuse. I am devastated, I am depressed at times, I am downright heartbroken most minutes of each day....but I am resolved that if I don't put an end to it now, he will never treat me like the treasure I am.
Remember one man's, or woman's, trash is another's treasure.
And, when he got mad about my sleuthing too, like your husband did, I told him if he hadn't put his d!@k in Shrek the slut, we wouldn't have this problem...oh and go F#@k off. Used some other choice words too....probably not fit to come out of a Christian's mouth nor to post on this site.

Ostrich80 posted 9/10/2013 02:06 AM

My ws refused to answer questions after the first DD. He acted like I was some crazy obsessed person trying to ruin our R by bringing it up. I learned a couple yrs later why......he's an underground dweller.

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