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Markay81 posted 9/12/2013 12:49 PM

Ok I know life is not fair. Like my pastor said one day in church "If life was fair we would all be dead". But right now ITS NOT FAIR. I pay my consequences for my bad choices. Not cheating just plain ol' life mistakes. I make amends to people when I wrong them in anyway. But my WHs choice to have an affair was his mistake, his bad choice. So why does it feel like Im the one paying for HIS choice? It feels like the only consequences he has had was stop drinking and giving up his girlfriend. I allowed him to move back home. He has a good job, a wife and his kids. He didn't have to give up anything. It feels like I have had to pay for his choices with my security, my trust & faith, my heart, my soul ect. I see these changes he is working so hard on, and he is becoming a better man then he was before. (I hate the man before). I guess Im just angry. He was blessed with a wife who has given him the gift of a second chance. I should clarify he really is trying to fix himself, give me what I need to heal and heal us. But sometimes he can do everything right and well honestly I just don't give a damn. Sometimes I just want to scream at him. Why am I the one who has to feel this pain that effects every part of me because he was a selfish jerk. Its not fair. Ugh. Ok now that I got all that out. I feel very stuck in this "Not fair" spot. I would like some thoughts and insight how to move through this stage. Because at this moment I am having a hard time seeing past it. My WH has been asking me what he can do to help me with this and I just don't know what to tell him. I don't even know what I can do to help me yet alone tell him what he can do.

SmallButStrong posted 9/12/2013 14:05 PM

I go through this "not fair" phase a LOT. Mostly because I feel like I've always taken the high road in life. I'm not perfect, but I was basically a sweaky clean, goodie-two-shoes when I met my husband, who womanized, smoked, did drugs, dropped out of college, etc. When we met, it was like an angel and devil coming together. But I thought I was the game-changer.

Nope, he STILL had to step outside what I thought was our close-to-perfect marriage to have yet another sexual experience. And I've only been with him! That's NOT FAIR!

But the ONLY thing that gets me through these times is to think of people who have it worse. I follow a blog of a mother who lost her 4-yr-old boy to cancer. WTF?! A sweet, innocent 4-yr-old. She is an awesome, loving mom. Why did she deserve to have her baby die in her arms?? Why did that poor kid have to miss out on life? What did he do to deserve it?

There are always worse stories out there, even when it comes to infidelity. At least our WH's want US now, and didn't run off with their AP. At least they didn't get the AP pregnant, like John Edwards. At least our husbands are going to be BETTER husbands now.

Sometimes when we're in public, I look around and feel like we have a scarlet letter hanging above us. But then I remind myself, that 65% of those other couples/families I am observing have, did, or will go through this BS at some point, because those are the statistics.

But I totally hear you. Now we are left to carry the burden, and it's just not fair. Sometimes you have to just feel it and get mad. You'll come back around.

musiclovingmom posted 9/12/2013 14:26 PM

The last time I went through this 'not fair' stage, I wrote a letter to my H. 3 pages of all the reasons I was pissed off. All the things he ruined by his choices. All the things I had to deal with because of something HE did. It was cathartic. Even more so was the fact that he read it and responded. We keep a journal now. Between the two of us. We write our feelings, questions, angers, discoveries (mostly him and his FOO stuff). That one exercise has helped. It also helps to allow me to see the pain, heart-ache, devestation HE is feeling because of his choices. He didn't get off Scott free, we just deal with it differently. Hugs to you.

Listeningclosely posted 9/12/2013 14:38 PM

The last time I went through this 'not fair' stage, I wrote a letter to my H

This can be huge. I will say that for those of us who ultimately invest in R and are truly remorseful, we do pay a price. Not a day goes by that I don't realize serious consequences of my actions. My BW will never again say she was lucky to meet me. I can never walk through life with full integrity. I am no longer the person I should have been, I am less. I made myself that way.

You are certainly hurt, and yes you are paying an unfair price for his actions. But you can still walk through life knowing you didn't earn a scarlet letter that can never be removed. He will never have the opportunity, thanks to the choices he made.

2married2quit posted 9/12/2013 14:51 PM

Nothing is fair when it comes to adultery. Nothing! It's a dead end street with lots of lights and pretty girls but the people coming back out have death in their eyes.

Seriously, I know how you feel and I get that quite often. A few days ago she said I was an 'amazing' man. Well, that would usually make me feel proud but instead I felt like a fool. Like I did the right thing and got back a bubble gum ring prize. Like...that's it?

Maybe years from now if our M survives and we work hard we'll see the path and all the pain and say, it was well worth it. Right now, I feel WRONGED!

kansas1968 posted 9/12/2013 15:03 PM

It is just too soon for you to feel anything else. One thing I did one time while lying in bed was pretend in my mind that I was the one that had the affair, betrayed him in a thousand ways for some bum, then relized the error of my ways.

I almost got sick with guilt just thinking about it. Thinking about him being in so much pain, how he would look at me with disgust, call me a whore when he was angry, try to hard to forgive me.

I decided then and there that I preferred my spot at the table, the BS, not the WS. I don't know if I could live with myself.
I have seen his self-loathing, his helplessness in knowing how to help me, his lact of trust that I really do love him inspite of the affair.

Nothing is fair, and there are no winners in an affair. It just sucks.

beebee posted 9/12/2013 15:06 PM

I let my husband know that he can't apologize too much. As long as it's sincere, I've let him know he can do it out of the blue, and he doesn't have to worry that bringing up the subject might be hurtful because his infidelity is probably on my mind anyway!!

I have to say, hearing him apologize and seeing the genuine remorse in his eyes really does give me an instant "injection" of calm. It's like a wave of comfort comes over me. I've felt so crappy since D-Day (a few months ago now), with the hypervigilance that being traumatized brings, I need those interruptions of peace.

I long for the day when peacefulness and calm and a sense of security are typical of my regular state. But the trust isn't there yet. He's working to earn that. (I know it'll never get back to the high level it was at before, but I'm hoping it will get to a lot higher level than it's at now.)

Life sure isn't fair for BS's. But apologies from WS's - that keep on coming - can help to lessen the pain.

Markay81 posted 9/14/2013 03:35 AM

Thanks all. Its just nice to hear that its ok to feel this way. I was second guessing myself on this cause I thought maybe I was just acting like a pouting child. So I guess Ill just say it again "THIS SUCKS and its NOT FAIR!"

aesir posted 9/14/2013 04:03 AM

But my WHs choice to have an affair was his mistake, his bad choice. So why does it feel like Im the one paying for HIS choice? It feels like the only consequences he has had was stop drinking and giving up his girlfriend.

It seems like that, because that is the only thing that is apparent from your perspective. Many years ago when I was a child a driver hit and killed our neighbors oldest son. It certainly seemed like only our neighbors were paying for the consequences of his decisions. I found out over a decade later that every year on the anniversary of his death, the driver sent flowers to our neighbor. Though there were no visible consequences, he was torturing himself with the knowledge of what he had done every day of his life.

Pay particular attention to what Listeningclosely posted. I joined just over a month after LC, and remember his early struggles. I believe in those dark days we even exchanged PM's. (Sorry if I am mistaken LC, a big part of back then is a blur, but I know we talked at a minimum on a few threads.) I know that back in the day, LC could tell you in great detail how much it was hurting, even if it was not apparent to everyone else.

Here is an old tagline of mine I used to take comfort in when I felt like you do right now. It is from Babylon 5.

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.

Now let it sink in for a minute, and ask yourself if your husband would find any comfort in that idea right now?

PamJ posted 9/14/2013 11:27 AM

I've been through this stage as well. It seemed totally unfair that their lives (OW & WH) went on happily, they are fine with everything and yet I am the one stuck having to hash it around in my brain trying to figure out how he could do this to me, to us, again.
When I told him how the past year, which was supposed to be one of the best years of our lives after we , supposedly, reconciled from an EA the previously year, was NOT great, it was all a lie.

He tried to convince me it WAS a great year mentioning all the things we did together in our effort to reconnect and enjoy the 'rest of our lives together'. I told him him there were fun times, but this years renewed EA washed away all fond memories because it was all a lie, a waste.

And what did he lose, nothing! He never wanted to leave me for her anyway, so he didn't lose her, he had me, our home-life together, the respect and love from our sons. He had it all!

What did I lose? Self respect, for giving him yet another chance, I feel the fool. I lost a great year of good memories, I lost trust in him, in us and sense of self worth because "Why wasn't I enough for him" "How could he tell me he loves me more than ever and then turned around after 8 months and reconnect with her.

He said he missed her friendship, that he never meant for it to turn back into an EA/cyber sexting affair. But he had to know the potential was there, didn't he? especially as it started as a friendship the first time and quickly heated up from there. What would be different a second time?

So, when I get angry that he seems to be taking for granted that we are still together and he tells me it's not fair that he cannot express his frustration with me, I told him "Life's not fair."

[This message edited by PamJ at 11:30 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 9/14/2013 12:02 PM

SmallButStrong -

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Landoes posted 9/14/2013 13:16 PM

I'm going through the same thing.
Cheating has to be the ultimate selfish act. The betrayed are left with nothing but pain, anxiety, anger and paranoia; while, the cheaters are left with the fond memories of their cheating.

I'm planning on telling my WS to give me full legal custody of the baby (if its mine of course) I think that there MUST be a consequence, and losing your legal rights is a good start. We would still be in R but she would have no legal recourse if I wanted to end it.

Before you say how horrible it sounds, you wouldn't trust the baby with her anyway.

1devastedmom posted 9/14/2013 23:26 PM

I agree with you this is definitely not fair.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/15/2013 00:36 AM

Ok now that I got all that out. I feel very stuck in this "Not fair" spot. I would like some thoughts and insight how to move through this stage

IMO, you just have to accept that life isn't *fair.* (I say that to my kids a lot)
Due to trigger-issues, I won't go into detail about *what* you have to accept as unfair.....but this is where acceptance, forgiveness, and grace come into play.

As far as I know, there is no way to change the past. What happened has happened and the question is "where do I/we go from here?"

If your WH's betrayal was just *too* much and amounted to a deal-breaker for you...then that's okay. It isn't fair to you because of *your* expectations, but *his* choice left you with no other option.

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