Nope, he STILL had to step outside what I thought was our close-to-perfect marriage to have yet another sexual experience. And I've only been with him! That's NOT FAIR!
But the ONLY thing that gets me through these times is to think of people who have it worse. I follow a blog of a mother who lost her 4-yr-old boy to cancer. WTF?! A sweet, innocent 4-yr-old. She is an awesome, loving mom. Why did she deserve to have her baby die in her arms?? Why did that poor kid have to miss out on life? What did he do to deserve it?
There are always worse stories out there, even when it comes to infidelity. At least our WH's want US now, and didn't run off with their AP. At least they didn't get the AP pregnant, like John Edwards. At least our husbands are going to be BETTER husbands now.
Sometimes when we're in public, I look around and feel like we have a scarlet letter hanging above us. But then I remind myself, that 65% of those other couples/families I am observing have, did, or will go through this BS at some point, because those are the statistics.
But I totally hear you. Now we are left to carry the burden, and it's just not fair. Sometimes you have to just feel it and get mad. You'll come back around.
The last time I went through this 'not fair' stage, I wrote a letter to my H
This can be huge. I will say that for those of us who ultimately invest in R and are truly remorseful, we do pay a price. Not a day goes by that I don't realize serious consequences of my actions. My BW will never again say she was lucky to meet me. I can never walk through life with full integrity. I am no longer the person I should have been, I am less. I made myself that way.
You are certainly hurt, and yes you are paying an unfair price for his actions. But you can still walk through life knowing you didn't earn a scarlet letter that can never be removed. He will never have the opportunity, thanks to the choices he made.
Seriously, I know how you feel and I get that quite often. A few days ago she said I was an 'amazing' man. Well, that would usually make me feel proud but instead I felt like a fool. Like I did the right thing and got back a bubble gum ring prize. Like...that's it?
Maybe years from now if our M survives and we work hard we'll see the path and all the pain and say, it was well worth it. Right now, I feel WRONGED!
I almost got sick with guilt just thinking about it. Thinking about him being in so much pain, how he would look at me with disgust, call me a whore when he was angry, try to hard to forgive me.
I decided then and there that I preferred my spot at the table, the BS, not the WS. I don't know if I could live with myself.
I have seen his self-loathing, his helplessness in knowing how to help me, his lact of trust that I really do love him inspite of the affair.
Nothing is fair, and there are no winners in an affair. It just sucks.
I have to say, hearing him apologize and seeing the genuine remorse in his eyes really does give me an instant "injection" of calm. It's like a wave of comfort comes over me. I've felt so crappy since D-Day (a few months ago now), with the hypervigilance that being traumatized brings, I need those interruptions of peace.
I long for the day when peacefulness and calm and a sense of security are typical of my regular state. But the trust isn't there yet. He's working to earn that. (I know it'll never get back to the high level it was at before, but I'm hoping it will get to a lot higher level than it's at now.)
Life sure isn't fair for BS's. But apologies from WS's - that keep on coming - can help to lessen the pain.
But my WHs choice to have an affair was his mistake, his bad choice. So why does it feel like Im the one paying for HIS choice? It feels like the only consequences he has had was stop drinking and giving up his girlfriend.
Pay particular attention to what Listeningclosely posted. I joined just over a month after LC, and remember his early struggles. I believe in those dark days we even exchanged PM's. (Sorry if I am mistaken LC, a big part of back then is a blur, but I know we talked at a minimum on a few threads.) I know that back in the day, LC could tell you in great detail how much it was hurting, even if it was not apparent to everyone else.
Here is an old tagline of mine I used to take comfort in when I felt like you do right now. It is from Babylon 5.
I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
Now let it sink in for a minute, and ask yourself if your husband would find any comfort in that idea right now?
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
He tried to convince me it WAS a great year mentioning all the things we did together in our effort to reconnect and enjoy the 'rest of our lives together'. I told him him there were fun times, but this years renewed EA washed away all fond memories because it was all a lie, a waste.
And what did he lose, nothing! He never wanted to leave me for her anyway, so he didn't lose her, he had me, our home-life together, the respect and love from our sons. He had it all!
What did I lose? Self respect, for giving him yet another chance, I feel the fool. I lost a great year of good memories, I lost trust in him, in us and sense of self worth because "Why wasn't I enough for him" "How could he tell me he loves me more than ever and then turned around after 8 months and reconnect with her.
He said he missed her friendship, that he never meant for it to turn back into an EA/cyber sexting affair. But he had to know the potential was there, didn't he? especially as it started as a friendship the first time and quickly heated up from there. What would be different a second time?
So, when I get angry that he seems to be taking for granted that we are still together and he tells me it's not fair that he cannot express his frustration with me, I told him "Life's not fair."
[This message edited by PamJ at 11:30 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
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I'm planning on telling my WS to give me full legal custody of the baby (if its mine of course) I think that there MUST be a consequence, and losing your legal rights is a good start. We would still be in R but she would have no legal recourse if I wanted to end it.
Before you say how horrible it sounds, you wouldn't trust the baby with her anyway.
Ok now that I got all that out. I feel very stuck in this "Not fair" spot. I would like some thoughts and insight how to move through this stage
As far as I know, there is no way to change the past. What happened has happened and the question is "where do I/we go from here?"
If your WH's betrayal was just *too* much and amounted to a deal-breaker for you...then that's okay. It isn't fair to you because of *your* expectations, but *his* choice left you with no other option.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.