So sorry that you have found yourself here. A place no one every wants to be.
Please know that you ARE on a rollercoaster ride. It is a hell of a ride but we are all here and will ride along with you. Buckle up but know that it can and will end at some point, one way or another. You will come out the other side. You will.
Please stay with IC. You will need all the help you can get navigating these waters.
It is okay that you love your husband. It is. We just want you to heal and protect yourself.
It is normal to question your WH motives, his feelings. It is HIS job to reassure you and earn your trust back through his actions not words. His words are meaningless at this point.
Define your boundaries and that will help you feel some control.
Keep posting and know we are all here rooting for you.
Good luck. Many prayers and hugs.