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I have a friend...

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aesir posted 9/29/2013 03:13 AM

I have held off for a bit thinking about this, and I did not want to post it in the midst of any ongoing thread debates where it would be seen as a response to any specific situation. There have been a more than a few cases where I think this would be relevant. In fact, I believe there is a stage where this is almost standard. It doesn't even contain any direct infidelity, but I think it might be useful for people to consider.

I have a friend in prison. He didn't do anything wrong actually, he works there.
He is in prison with various criminals, including sex offenders. Unlike the inmates, he gets to go home to a normal life at the end of each shift.
His job consists of escorting prisoners, monitoring thetir behavior, keeping everything safe, ensuring they comply with the rules, watching what is playing on the TV and changing the channel if their is anything inappropriate, trying to assist with and being frustrated by the resistance to rehabilitation.
For all that the job entails, it supports him in a comfortable lifestyle.
That being said, each day, the biggest thing he has in common with the inmates is that he is in prison.

Hopefully you don't understand why I am posting this on SI, but if you find that you can at all relate to what I described, it is something for you to think about.

Check my tagline for further details.

Bravenewgirl posted 9/29/2013 04:52 AM

Yup. Sometimes I am more warden than wife. Have even caught myself fantasizing about electronic ankle bracelets or a "Find my husband's dick" app for my Iphone.

Its a life, sort of.

sullymeishadomi posted 9/29/2013 04:53 AM

I think I get it. As bs' we are similar to your friend in that we monitor everything our ws does. Unlike your friend, we dont go home after work.

aesir posted 9/29/2013 06:35 AM

Well, the part I hope nobody can relate to is that my friend has no hope of all the prisoners being rehabilitated and no new ones coming in, so for him it's a long term deal where the only ways out are wait for retirement, die, quit, or get fired. Those who can relate to that really should take some time to think about the options listed.

Sad in AZ posted 9/29/2013 06:46 AM

It has a double meaning for me; the X is a corrections officer. Imagine having your lying, cheating spouse coming home from work every night complaining about the skells (his term) lying and trying to manipulate the COs.

I spent way too many years trying to be his warden.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/29/2013 07:12 AM


Thank you for your post. Your story caused me to think.

My xWW = prisoner in Prison BETRAYER

I = prisoner in Prison Betrayed

Life sentences issued for both of us:

XWW's sentence:

* Allowed to live freely, without current pain or remorse.

* Allowed to continue her fantasy that she has done nothing wrong.

* Forced to retain knowledge that she betrayed her H and hurt her children in the process.

* Placed in a fog until our children grow and mature and one day figure out and understand why they only saw their mother for three weekends a month during their childhood.

My sentence:

* Forced to endure severe emotional pain, but provided with "time" - an antidote to the emotional pain - which works slowly to stop the pain over the course of a few years.

* Forced to have my ability to trust removed.

* Forced to live with sadness for our children, who have lost their family unit.

* Forced to accept that my W was not the person I thought she was.

* Forced to give up the woman I loved.

* Forced to coparent with the woman who betrayed me, had no remorse and then exited, stage left.

* Provided with the ability to hold my head high and know I have done nothing wrong.

* Provided with the gift of living my life as the primary influencer and caregiver to my children.

aesir posted 9/29/2013 09:34 AM

nomistakeaboutit, I can see from your tagline that as far as being a guard goes, you either quit, or opted for early retirement. I hope you find fulfillment in your new career or retirement.

Though not where I was going with this thread when I started it, it is a shame your children have to live in a halfway house.

All this is metaphorically speaking of course.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/29/2013 10:40 AM



I was actually never a warden. I was first the wrongly accused, who received a life sentence from a judge -- my xWW. She also assigned a life sentence to herself. I was provided with an opportunity to appeal, but I waived that right and instead willingly signed-off on both sentences.

My prison is an invisible bubble around me, which my children cannot see, for now. They live in the only house they have ever lived in. They visit their mother in her new house, three weekends each month. She is also in a prison which is invisible to them, for now. Neither house is a halfway house for them, but both are for me and my XWW.

As the children get older, the invisibility of the bubble prisons will start to fade. One day, they will be able to see both of them, and I don't look forward to that day. Who would want to learn that their own mother had been responsible for putting their father in prison? Who would want to learn that their own mother CHOSE a prison for 80% of their childhood, versus them?

Yes, they might look favorably on me, but this is not about me. It is about them. For them to learn that kind of truth about their mother will stay with them forever. I am already thinking of ways to help minimize the impact they will feel ("we are all imperfect, as people. Your mother loves you both very much.", etc.), but I will not be able to protect them from the brunt of the impact.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 11:32 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

mchercheur posted 9/29/2013 10:53 AM


Dark Inertia posted 9/29/2013 11:20 AM

I took this story to have two themes. One being the more obvious jailer/warden scenario. The other being a topic that has been brought up a few times here recently.

For all that the job entails, it supports him in a comfortable lifestyle.

I don't doubt for many BS' (and many here have stated as much)that they choose to stay due to financial reasons. The reasons being:

1) They are either financially dependent and would have to go back to work after years of being out
2) They are in major debt and divorce would financially destroy both parties
3) They don't want to lose their current lifestyle.

Interesting thread.

Dark Inertia posted 9/30/2013 11:14 AM

Aesir: Trying to PM you, but nothing is going through.

Also, shameless thread bump.

soverybetrayed posted 9/30/2013 12:15 PM

While I didn't want to be a warden to my npdxh I still tried to work on it but the prisoner revolted and tried to control and abuse the warden. I decided that quitting was the safest decision to avoid the physical threat. It didn't stop the pain, the loss of companionship (not sure I really had that tho), the loss of my home, the loss of income (had to stop working due to illness) but it gave me something much more important...PEACE. I no longer had to wonder where he was, if he would come home drunk and abusive, who he was screwing or what vile things he would say to me.

I abandoned the jail that my ex put me in with his abuse and control and I began a new position. It was a position of finding my life, my happiness with me and the journey to locate the ME that he destroyed. It hasn't been easy or always fun but it has been safe. I am still on my journey to redefine ME and it may take a lifetime but at least I wake up each morning happy to be the ME that I have become without my xnpd.

Life can be scary but the journey is better than the jail of a bad marriage.

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