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So my husband bought grand theft auto five when it came out. I knew my brother played that game in high school, and I knew that there were strippers in it.

I didn not, however, know that there were missions in the game where the character had to go to the VIP of a strip club where there are topless women (in the past, they have always worn pasties or bikini tops). Or that you can have your character get a private dance with the video game strippers.

I feel like I'm in a pickle. I told my husband he could get the game- but I didn't realize how graphic the game is. I am angry because if I had known, I probably would have said HELL F*ING NO!!! That kind of stuff is NOT in my values or appropriate or anything I want him watching (on tv, live, or in a video game). I feel offended and disappointed that he would want to play something like that knowing my feelings about that kind of stuff and considering our past.

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be complaining because I said he could get the game.

Am I over reacting?

Given the history of cybercheating, I don't think it's an overreaction.

I'd have a hard time with my WH playing this. (Thankfully he never got into games---and even more thankfully, we are separated!)

His history involves strippers, so it would be a definite no-go for me.

I am also of the opinion that you can't really "consent" to something if you are not informed. In medicine, we tell patients everything about procedures--possible problems that can occur included. Only then can they give informed consent.

IMO, if your husband did not tell you about this aspect of the game (and yes, I do think he knew of it), then you did not give informed consent----so his, "But you TOLD me I could get it!" argument falls flat.

Thank you! I don't know if he knew that they were going to be topless or not...and I don't care. If I say he can go to a bar that I am unfamiliar with, he goes, and it turns out to be an inappropriate place...he doesn't get to stay and then use the, "you told me I could go," argument. Boundaries are boundaries. We have boundaries set up about this kind of thing in movies and real life...and IMO, this is basically porn which is not okay. So argumentivly, if he knew OR not, it is still crossing a boundary.

Ugh. Just ugh. Sometimes, I swear, he sits around thinking of new and creative ways to be disrespectful.

Am I over reacting?

Sorry but the answer is a conditional yes

He doesn't really have to go and have sex with strippers or prostitutes etc I'm prettttyyy sure (90%) that there is no mission where he has to do that

In terms of values and whatnot: I guess so? But I think honestly you just need to relax about this. It's a game after all and most adult games have negative connotations (except for maybe halo)

That said I would be more concerned if he was playing games where he could chat online. Or where he gets too ingrained in the video game. That is banned from our house.

Obviously I say all of this because I let wh play it so perhaps I'm biased.

I'm going to go along with maybe overreacting a little. I understand what you are saying about the morals, but those are your morals and I guess I kind of go along more with the line of, your husband is an adult and he does not have to hold the exact same morals that you do. I think sometimes by getting in a position of micro managing, we can set our relationships up to fail that way. I guess it's up to you to decide how much of an issue it is. You can decide it is a deal breaker that he plays a video game that features a topless woman, or you can issue an ultimatum. But beyond that, it just becomes a useless fight if its not "deal-breakerish" you know?

I understand the trigger and why it bothers you, but I think that the GTA series is well known for its graphic violence and brutality in that, well, you beat cops to death, run down civilians, etc. Viewing it as a whole I think the strippers are one the exceptionally low end of the scale when it comes to objectionable issues - but at the same time it hits home because it's a very sensitive topic.

If it bothers you right now, ask him to set it aside until you feel okay with it. Or to have the decency to stick to brutally murdering old women and babies and avoid paying for a virtual lap dance. If he has a story mission that requires he pass through a lounge then he should be able to blaze through and not stop to zoom in on pixel tits.

I started (but didn't ) to buy that game ( for my teenage boys as they have played previous versions before ) but the clerk at the game store it is the "most foul game ever made". That, Coming from the guy who you would think would want to make a sale...

I understand what you are saying about the morals, but those are your morals and I guess I kind of go along more with the line of, your husband is an adult and he does not have to hold the exact same morals that you do.

That is true...but we do have boundaries established for our relationship, and one of those boundaries is that he shouldn't be looking at other women nude. In real life (duh), in porn, in movies...I guess I never specified in video games either. But to me, I think porn is porn. If husband were to be watching anime porn, I would be upset because it takes away from our sex life and our marriage. We have had struggles in the past where he watches porn and then isn't in the mood to have sex with me- that's when porn became an issue and was completely taken off the table as far as what I will accept or allow in our marriage.

No, there is no mission in the game where you HAVE to have sex with a stripper. One of the missions, you do go into the club and go into the VIP lounge...and he CHOSE to make his character have sex with the stripper. I guess that's my problem with it even moreso. If he did what was required to complete the mission in the game, that is one thing. Go in, do what is required, get out. But staying in there and fooling around, IMO, is not a game. To me, it means that this is something he is interested in. The fact that he is interested in strip clubs, considering our history, is alarming and troubling for me.

He doesn't have to share my values...but in a lot of ways he does. I don't think people on two completely different pages as far as values and boundaries will have a very happy or successful marriage.

If he has a story mission that requires he pass through a lounge then he should be able to blaze through and not stop to zoom in on pixel tits.

That's exactly how I feel about it. I am disappointed that he seems to think it is okay in the first place. It makes me feel like he is not in fact making progress.

I should say, additionally, that I do tend to be an all or nothing person. I have very black and white beliefs about some things.

I am NOT attracted to other men in the least and am disgusted and mortally offended that he would ever be attracted to another woman while with me. We are conservative people, and I have become even moreso after the cheating.

The fact that he would want to look at anyone's tits, real person or not, other than mine is very hurtful and definitely crossing relationship boundaries that he is very much aware of.

Hmm. I don't think you are overreacting.

But it doesn't matter what I think..or anyone else...only how you feel about it matters. If this is a problem for you,he should respect that. if it triggers you,he shouldn't play this game.

Your dday was less than a year ago. He shouldn't be doing anything that hurts you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:50 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Your not over reacting especially since it is a cyber active game if you have it on Xbox live I have gta4 and Xbox live but my WS just does the driving he likes UFC better

I was reading from the bottom, up. When I read this...

The fact that he would want to look at anyone's tits, real person or not, other than mine is very hurtful and definitely crossing relationship boundaries that he is very much aware of.

I was going to say something along the lines of, just because that is a feature of the game, it doesn't necessarily mean he *wants* to do it.

But then I read this...

One of the missions, you do go into the club and go into the VIP lounge...and he CHOSE to make his character have sex with the stripper.

And now I have to say, I completely understand why you would be pissed. I would find that "weird" behavior from a non-wayward, but from a partner that had cheated, yes, it would be a red flag to me and cause me to feel angry.

Sorry, no real advice to offer, but I wanted to let you know that I do understand where you're coming from.

Hi BeyondBreaking,

I am so sorry this is causing you triggers, but I'm going to have to go against the flow here and say this isn't what you think it is.

I also play the GTA games and the strippers/prostitutes in these games are not alluring, arousing or attractive and they are not meant to be.

The GTA games are instead trying to be as politically INcorrect as they can be and they are highlighting the dark side of popular culture, sex workers and the drug/vice world in a dark comedy sort of way.

In the GTA, there are a number of "mini-games" that you play that are dark and full of irony, with the stripclub/VIP rooms and private dance being one of these sarcastic/ironic dark comedy mini-games.

If you look at the strippers, they are not meant to be attractive. They have the most bulbous, ugly, cantaloupe looking overdone implants, dark blue varicose veins, track marks, pimp stamps, ugly tattoos and overall druggie look. The "mini-game" aspect is to get their "LIKE" meter maxed, which is done by performing objectifying and insulting commentary to them while groping them. The "flirt" commentary is like "Keep telling me how handsome I am" or "silicon and desperation!" or comments on their "daddy issues" or other such degrading depravity. These things fill their "LIKE" meter (more irony). If you do this while a bouncer can see, you get thrown out and have to start all over so it IS like a game. Max out the stripper's "LIKE" meter and she invites you to her home (for sex), where you quickly pan to the next morning and now she is on your cell phone contact list, where you may call her any time from there for a health boost.

So that's it. It's a stupid, un-arousing, non-sexual "mini-game" that is designed to express an irony of sex workers in their depravity, pimped, drugged out, terrible plastic surgery, mental issues and the like.. and if you "win" the mini-game, you basically earn another easy way to give you full health when you get hurt in the game.

Lastly, not to spoil the game, but the stripclub is a necessity in GTA-V as it becomes a safehouse for one of the characters (safehouse is the place your character can rest/save your game, change clothes, and park cars you wish to keep). So having high "LIKE" meter and sleeping with multiple strippers is a quick way to replenish health from a quick dial on your cell-phone and/or visit.

Is the private dance/VIP/sex a 100% necessity? No, but visiting/using the stripclub is as it becomes a safehouse.

I seriously doubt your WH is getting any kind of sexual ya-yah's off the strippers or prostitutes in GTA as they aren't in the game that way. It's actually more a case of excessively degrading strippers & prostitutes and making them look fairly disgusting, unappealing and messed-up.

Sorry again as I can totally understand you seeing lapdances, private dances and sex in a videogame as being some form of porn/eroticism. But let me assure you, nothing could be further from erotic than the GTA games as the presentation is purely non-erotic, non-arousing and quite disgusting/degrading as a form of dark comedy against popular modern culture.

Lastly, I'd urge everyone to see Conan O'Brien's review of GTA-V. He also goes to the stripclub in-game (which leads to a LOT of hilarity) and showcases this (and other aspects) of the game:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EB_XX_IM8io

.. or if you just want to see his stripclub part and later:

http://youtu.be/EB_XX_IM8io?t=5m15s

[This message edited by MediumRare at 7:42 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Been there, done that. Keep your boundaries. Anytime you hear something along the lines of "It's just a..." you already know what's up.

Am I over reacting?

What MediumRare is saying is correct--it is about being as politically incorrect as possible...in all aspects of the game. That is what the GTA series are about. So in the sense of comparing it to porn---yes, I do believe this to be an overreaction. Especially if you ever tried the game.

But what is NOT an overreaction, and is a HUGE problem point, is your husband's indifference to your feelings about this. I can tell you this--if my WW, four YEARS out from D-day, came home with something that triggered me...and was nonchalant about my feelings...would discover a wrath that has not been shown in a long time.

There is no time limitations to insensitivity.

I would have suspected that there would be something like what MediumRare described based on what I know of the franchise. Search for GTA San Andreas Hot Coffee. In that one, the player was expected to max out the like meter on multiple girlfriends, and instead of being a mini game for a buff, it was essential to a storyline mission. Of course the old San Andreas strip club had a different boost/cheat, get your character as fat as possible early on, then go to the strip bar when the group of high rollers was throwing money on stage, and stand in just the right spot to pickup the money without being touched by the stripper (gets you shot by the bouncer), leave the game running and go to bed, when you come back after work the next day your character will be emaciated and rich.

That being said, I would not expect your WH to have known the specifics of the storyline or gameplay prior to purchase since it just came out. Down in the betrayed mens thread in ICR, there is a spoiler about one mission that is certainly a trigger, as one of the characters becomes a BH. Fortunately this is GTA, so there is a ready outlet for the murderous intent.

I don't think it really matters what the point of the game is.

Bottom line: You don't like it. It bothers you. It triggers you. It has inappropriate content, it is not ok with you..end of story.

You don't have to rationalize this. Im sure many of us have triggers that don't make sense *at all.* But they are a trigger,nonetheless.

For example..my WH can't watch Ice Road Truckers anymore. He can watch it online, but not if Im around. They use the word "load" a lot. In a totally innocent manner..but that particular word, as gonnabe would say, makes me feel stabby. So..no more Ice Road Truckers.

Does that make sense? Nope. It doesn't have to. It bothers ME.

So..if this is a problem for you..it doesn't really much matter,IMO, if it's "fair."

NOTHING about this bullshit..infidelity..recovery..etc..is fair.

Cheating has consequences. This is one of them. A wayward may have to give a few things up,because they need to make their BS feel safe.

I think it is perfectly ok for you to tell him this game has to go. You said he CHOSE to have sex with one of the strippers in the game..and he has a history of strip clubs and cybercheating.

Overreacting??

Not even a little bit.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I think it is perfectly ok for you to tell him this game has to go. You said he CHOSE to have sex with one of the strippers in the game..and he has a history of strip clubs and cybercheating.

Overreacting??

Not even a little bit.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. What people often don't understand is.. the more they expose themselves to that stuff the more it seems ok and it becomes easier to take the next step.

For the average person---and I have an older teen boy who plays this game--GTA may be a mission to be "as politically incorrect as possible."

For a Wayward with a history of infidelity who has an AGREEMENT with his BS that he will NOT watch TV, movies, etc. with nudity, it's not an "overreaction" to withdraw "permission" for GTA upon learning that said WS has chosen to have his character have sex with a stripper in the game.

No, GTA is not high-def porn, but with the wrong mindset, it can trigger the same kinds of chemicals. The imagination is a very powerful thing. This is part of the reason why we set boundaries in the first place--so we don't head down paths we don't wish to travel.

If you look at the strippers, they are not meant to be attractive

Well that's awesome. It's ok to be flippant about these virtual women & the male orientation of the game bc the strippers ugly. So it follows that you wouldn't think the game parameters would be ok if they were pretty? You buy into the idea that ugly is ok to treat like shit? Good to know that the demarcation line is a woman's appearance. Justify the game all you want, but if you are so desensitized to stuff like this, then I feel sorry for you.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:27 AM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]