"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 18:46 PM

Today my F said " you think I'm still f-king her" and I replied " you had an EA, why would you say still, did you lie about having sex with her?" He said " in your mind I did so I'm sure you think I still am and that is why I said still." I don't like his use of the word still even if he was talking in terms of how o believed things to be. Am I over thinking this? The OW said she never slept with him but I don't like his use of the word still.

broken <3 posted 6/29/2013 18:59 PM

He's messing with your head sweety! If you are in true R you wouldn't need to ask questions such as this. As for "reading into it too much" - somehow he's made it all about HIM again (see what he did there - oh poor him, you cant trust him ) and for some reason beyond my comprehension he has placed doubt in your mind/heart when he should be bending over backwards to make you feel safe!! I'm sorry if I'm slightly biased - today hasn't been a good day for me. At any rate I hope I've helped.

[This message edited by broken <3 at 7:00 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

LA44 posted 6/29/2013 19:03 PM

You know...I have driven myself mad with the use of a word here/there in the past 6.5 months. Most of the time, it is just the way my H worded it. What I didn't want is for him to clam up by me jumping on every word. He was becoming fearful of phrasing as he didn't want to set me off.

I guess what bothers me more is that he sounds indignant making the comment.

He could have said, "I know it is very hard for you to trust me and that is all my fault. I am totally responsible for that. But please believe me when I say I have nothing to do with this person and I will do everything possible to restore your faith in me even if it takes the next 20 years to do so!

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 19:03 PM

@broken- he was telling me that he has been working hard but feels I think he's doing xyz...I've felt like he's truly been all in and he's been accountable since R started 2 months ago but this comment threw me for a loop. He was complaining that I am not workingwith him in R.

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 19:09 PM

I will say he's been doing a lot to show me how cares sometimes at nauseam but I just don't like the wording. @LA44 that's exactly what he said. He said he is always trying to use certain language so I don't get upset and he said that he's not going to not use the OW's name even though its a trigger for me because he feels like by not using her name I give her power that she doesn't deserve.

broken <3 posted 6/29/2013 19:11 PM

Well if you were thinking that you would have every reason to! But yes I agree it is suspicious him bringing it up in such a way. However I have concerns about his deflection and minimizing - see he "only" had an EA but *you* are making it out to be Way worse. Do you follow me? That's not right and probably feels pretty ugly. Have a heart to heart and let him know how you feel. Personally I would feel invalidated by such a statement, but that's me and like I said I'm having an off week/month/year lol

LA44 posted 6/29/2013 19:14 PM

Sorry. YOU are the one NOT working with him on R but then this....

and he said that he's not going to not use the OW's name even though its a trigger for me because he feels like by not using her name I give her power that she doesn't deserve.

That absolutely infuriates me. If you do NOT want to hear him say her name he needs to respect that. THAT is called a HIGH COST BEHAVIOR (as per Janis Springs book, After the Affair). That needs to be on your list of what you NEED from him at this time.

My H said her name couple months ago. I looked at him and said, "don't ever say her name around me again." We normally refer to her as the affair person or AP.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:15 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 19:19 PM

@broken- I appreciate you being blunt! I need that :). I get what you're saying and I do think I'm gonna need to talk to him because his comment really did seem like a reflection. He always says: " I changed my thinking and so you don't need to worry about me doing that again." The only reason I don't comment when he says that is because he has been working actively but today's comment irked me.

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 19:23 PM

@LA44 - yeah we've been fighting about that. Originally he agreed to not say it but then said that he wouldn't stop today. I really feel like him bringing up her name sets me back to dday, I hate her name. My F added to the comment about her name being a trigger: " in the Catholic Church they name the demon in order to cast it out and take away its power so we cannot allow her to remain unnamed if we want to get past her."

confused615 posted 6/30/2013 03:50 AM

I think it was a slip.

ming56 posted 6/30/2013 05:54 AM

He messed up, he does not get to set the ground rules for recovery. Just from what you have written, it sounds like he is being arrogant and controlling. Not exactly characteristics that serve creating real healing. People in affairs have an amazing ability to think they have everything under control, when in fact they would not be have taken those steps in the first place if they did. His wording would worry me too. I do believe that is a slip that may very well be revealing. Language is important and sometimes unintentional. He seems to have an answer to everything...again not a good trait in this situation. Personally I would want to see a lot more compassion and making amends than I can decipher from what you have written. You have to look out for yourself here, and again judging by what you have said, I would be very concerned that he is shading the truth and not really remorseful.

authenticnow posted 6/30/2013 06:15 AM

I agree that it was a slip. The thing about lying is that eventually the liar lets their guard down and starts to forget all the lies and eventually the truth slips out.

My BH said he kept asking me the same questions over and over because he already knew the answers and was waiting for me to tell him. He was right.

As far as EA vs PA, why don't you suggest a polygraph and see what your WH's reaction is? Guaranteed he'll find some reason why he doesn't want to take one. Something along the lines of 'they're not reliable' or shifting it back to you like, 'I can't believe you don't believe me! I don't want to base our healing on a test'. Even if you don't plan to have him take one, his reaction will offer you great insight.

anonymous823 posted 6/30/2013 09:12 AM

I suggested a polygraph and he said he'll take one. He is standing by his words having been him saying things the way he thinks I believe them to be.

anonymous823 posted 6/30/2013 09:48 AM

I just feel so sad about this today. I have been up since 5am just crying off and on. I'm ashamed and want to end this relationship. The OW said they never had sex and given how hard I kicked her with my words on dday I believe she would have said that to hurt me but instead she said " I don't f*ck men half my age" and went on to speak poorly about my F. That has me leaning toward him telling the truth about the sex. PA is a dealbreaker for me though so this is why it's got me so emotional. I left my last bf over a PA because I never could look at him the same.

JanaGreen posted 6/30/2013 11:27 AM

I am so sorry but I think it was a slip too. :(

ming56 posted 6/30/2013 11:35 AM

The mind games can be endless and taxing. A polygraph was mentioned and you said he is agreeable, so why not just do it and save yourself more anguish? My wife agreed to one as well, but also said she would resent it and felt it would change the trust between us- the trust she had broken through having inappropriate interactions with another man! That was her when she was sick, now she is better than ever after years of hard work on herself, but I at times regretted not doing the polygraph before things got better. As previously stated, his reaction may be telling, but either way you can get some piece of mind. In hindsight it would have saved me a lot of anxiety and probably even hastened our healing.

nowiknow23 posted 6/30/2013 11:35 AM

but instead she said " I don't f*ck men half my age"

Gently, that isn't a "no." It's a deflection meant to avoid answering the question.

I'm sorry, but I also think it was a slip. ((((anonymous))))

I suggested a polygraph and he said he'll take one. He is standing by his words having been him saying things the way he thinks I believe them to be.

I hope you follow through with this, anonymous. Don't let it slide just because he said he would take it.

anonymous823 posted 6/30/2013 11:39 AM

He's said "still" f-king her" before and he was pretty conscious of it. He says he's saying it how I believe it to be. I guess the only reason I lean towards him not having done it is because the OW randomly and repeatedly denied it even when she believed it was him she was speaking to. When I confronted her on dday she lied and said she was pregnant so I texted her from my F's phone and said " you lied to my fiancee about being pregnant because we have never had sex." She didn't correct the text and said " I know I lied, Congrats on your engagement and you and your fiancée can leave me alone now since you like to make ppl unhappy you will never be happy." I think she would have been livid had she really been sleeping with him. Then when she confronted me via text she said: " I dont f*ck men half my age so get your facts straight." I never asked her if they slept together so she just volunteerd that answer during a barrage of texts after he ended things with her.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 11:42 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

mindisgone posted 6/30/2013 11:43 AM

I suggested a polygraph and he said he'll take one.

Huh my WH agreed to as well and at one point he even suggested it himself... AND he was lying ABOUT EVERYTHING. He said later that he thought I would never go through with it.

Soo I called his bluff, he took it and he passed but he was STILL lying. FWIW, I think they are reliable if used on someone who doesn't believe their own lies.

And yes i'm sorry I think your WH had a "slip".

anonymous823 posted 6/30/2013 12:17 PM

So I've located a polygraph examiner and we've arranged it for this weekend. I tried to back out but he insisted that he wants to do it so that I can't use the sex with her issue as an excuse to hang over his head.