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How Did Your Love For WS Change?

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MsRukia posted 9/10/2013 23:49 PM

So we have been together 13 1/2 years and married for 10. The A happened from the fall of year 9 until early this summer. I liken the affect on me to having an atomic bomb dropped twice on my heart. I am shattered and now slowly picking up the pieces.
WH says he loves me. I believe the way we express and receive love is different. He seems to want the romantic kind. You know the lovey, dovey kind you have as dating and newly weds.
My idea of love is different. It's caring for him and ensuring he has what he needs. I believe love is a choice and am action.
We seem to be on m wave lengths.
I don't feel romantic love, at all. He equates this to me not wanting to be married to him. I say me staying to work on things does demonstrate love.
So my question is.. Can an affair change how we love? Is this typical? Any advice or perspective?

Losttransport posted 9/11/2013 00:28 AM

I'm sure you will get different replies, but yes, my love for WH changed. I changed. I love him, but I don't trust him not to hurt me again so it's a wary kind of love. Like I'm waiting. I know others who have gone through this have a stronger love, tempered through steel. Good luck.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/11/2013 00:40 AM

The love has changed for me. I have felt that love was either withheld from me or there was no love at all coming from my H to me, before, during, and after the A. I now have a difficult time feeling anything. I just feel flatness. Anger rises and that is better than flatness. I am tired and weary. My head goes in circles and I do not know what I feel for him. He says he loves me. I feel nothing but sorrow where he is concerned. I want love and happiness. I just do not think it was meant for me.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 12:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

StruckNumb posted 9/11/2013 00:52 AM

Now when I love him it hurts.

BIZZYBEEZ posted 9/11/2013 01:23 AM

I loved him with every fiber of my being. I trusted him blindly - it never occurred to me he would betray me the same way my ex husband did. Now when I look at him I realize I don't feel the same love I felt for him before DDay. I still love him but not as deep & unconditionally as I did before. That makes me sad. We're working through it & he's been amazing but I'm so disappointed that what I felt was my fairy tale turned out to be a horror story.

Strugglestreet posted 9/11/2013 05:24 AM

I still love my H but it really has changed for me. I have prepared myself for the possibility that I could be hurt. I never want to be caught unaware again, so my love is guarded. I feel his love for me has deepened, and i believe his love for me is stronger than the love I have for him

Blobette posted 9/11/2013 07:29 AM

Sounds like you guys need to talk this through. Maybe read the Five Love Languages together?

I don't feel romantic love, at all. He equates this to me not wanting to be married to him. I say me staying to work on things does demonstrate love

This sounds like he's demanding that you deal with things his way. He's not in any position to make such demands. He sound be trying to make you feel safe in a way YOU understand.

Are you guys in MC?

kiki1 posted 9/11/2013 07:32 AM

I still love him, but less.

Its hurtful now to love him, never will be the same innocent love i had for him.

As one of the other posters stated, its a wary kind of love.

Which is sad. It isnt a fairy tale love

Maybe it will get better,,,,,

MsRukia posted 9/11/2013 07:36 AM

Bloblette... We start MC, though we have both been in IC the last few weeks. We did talk about the differences in how we love last night. It scares him that because my love has changed that I won't stay. We did talk about how I give and receive love. In still not completely clear what that looks like for him.

heartbroken2012 posted 9/11/2013 07:55 AM

I agree with what everyone is saying...I dont love him the same. Wary kind of love, not blindly crazy in love anymore.

Its sad. I am having a hard time dealing with that.

TrustGone posted 9/11/2013 08:00 AM

I also now have a wary love and I don't ever see that changing. I loved my WH with all my heart and trusted him beyond measure. I was blindsided by the A. I no longer love him unconditionally like I did before. It makes me really sad to know that he threw our love away for someone that he truely did not love. He used the OW for sex and an ego stroke for 3yrs. He is also the type that thinks love is supposed to be the same as when we were dating and when it wasn't he took it elsewhere. I think he discovered (or at least I hope he has) that nobody stays that way after a few years of marriage. Real life settles in with all of it's ups and downs and that the romantic love takes effort on both spouses to stay alive.

Ostrich80 posted 9/11/2013 08:16 AM

I loved him blindly and never questioned he didn't feel the same way. Now I love him in an obligatory way..the whole he's my kids dad, we have yrs of history, I don't want anything bad to happen to him kind of way. It makes me sad to think about how I always knew he had my back...until he put a knife in it. I'm afraid I will never feel that way again about anyone and scared that I will.

confused615 posted 9/11/2013 08:19 AM

You have had 2 ddays in the last month..a dday..and one a few weeks later when you discovered that he had continued the A..even though he knew exactly how shattered you were on dday#1.

And he expects you to feel romantic love for him NOW?

Yeah..it doesn't work that way. He destroyed your heart. The reason you are unable to feel romantic right now is because your walls are up..as they should be. He needs to do a lot of work on himself before you will feel comfortable lowering a wall. False R..and a continued A..will cause enormous devastation.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. What he wants from you right now is unfair.

As to your question...yes..my love for him has changed. He used to be my hero..I adored this man..now I realize he is just a man..he's not a hero..I am learning to love this new man. He is giving me plenty of reason to feel comfortable doing so.

StillGoing posted 9/11/2013 08:20 AM

I don't think the way I feel about her wrt love has changed, but all the other shit around that has, making it hurt, as SN already posted.

64fleet posted 9/11/2013 08:27 AM

It simply disappeared. Lately something has been coming back.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 9/11/2013 09:28 AM

Definitely not the same. I'm very guarded. Some times I look at my WH and wonder who he is. The love I feel now doesn't feel genuine.

MsRukia posted 9/11/2013 09:30 AM

Good point confused. I am still sorting through so many emotions. He feels that if you love someone unconditionally that your love is not supposed to change. But I think how is is responding is out of a lot of fear. We have so much history and he doesn't want to lose me. I remind him that it is hard to stay as he shattered my heart. I think he gets it at this point, but his eternal optimism is that we will have a better marriage on the other side of all this crap. But it pains him that my love for him is hurt and changed. I dunno, I am not going to lie to him and say my love for him is all restored and everything is hunky dorey cause it's not. I am still in the stage of can I even stay married and if I do can I be content? I know love can grow and change and my romantic love can come back in time. But I don't know what I need to happen for it to come back. Sorry if that sounds rambly.

Kierst13 posted 9/11/2013 09:48 AM

I feel ambivalent towards my WH.

I don't wish anything bad for him, but nothing about him gives me positive or warm feelings anymore.

I heard a song for the millionth time yesterday and something it in resonated with me. The chorus "Now you're just somebody I used to know". I no longer *know* the man that lives in our shared space. He is a stranger and possibly even the boogeyman. He looks familiar but he *feels* foreign.

stunnedin12 posted 9/11/2013 09:54 AM

I feel ambivalent towards my WH.
I don't wish anything bad for him, but nothing about him gives me positive or warm feelings anymore.

Kierst13 nailed it. I look at wh and feel nothing. I wish I did, but I don't. Somedays I feel a nagging sense of anger and resentment but no warm fuzzy feelings.

Razor posted 9/11/2013 09:56 AM

I like WW. She is a fun person to be around. I enjoy her company.

Love and romantic feelings. Not so much. The part of me capable of those feelings died.

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