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Ridiculed by other BS

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Mypoorkids posted 11/12/2013 11:05 AM

My WH was dumped by his OW because she started a new A with another married man. After several weeks of thinking about it, I decided I had to tell the new BS. I called her last night and she told me her H would never cheat on her. She accused me of trying to cause drama in her life. I tried to be sympathetic and kind while I told her specific details.
I honestly wasn't trying to hurt her. I am SO thankful that the OW's husband called and told me about the A!
The other BS later called my H and told him that I was a horrible b#tch! I know I am sensitive but I feel awful. I am also devastated that in addition to my H having an A, I am also dragged into something that I never dreamed I would be a part of.
The hate I have for the OW is starting to become overwhelming. I am going to MC with my WH and taking it day by day but the OW is always on my mind. So much pain.

Rebreather posted 11/12/2013 11:20 AM

Just let it roll off of you. I know that is easier said than done. But you did the right thing. You can't control the outcome. That is on the other BS to accept. Many of us had trouble accepting evidence right in front of us. I can imagine her reacting out of fear which she displayed as anger. Perhaps she will be more vigilant and catch him herself now.

You've done nothing wrong. Let he anger wash off you.

JanaGreen posted 11/12/2013 11:25 AM

I'm sorry MPK. She is deep in denial and lashing out. I feel awful for both of you. I know this is reconciliation so I'm going to try to choose my words carefully, but how terrible of this one woman (OW) to go around hurting so many people - you, her BH, and now this new BS. Ugh. Like a whirling dervish of disaster.

jackson posted 11/12/2013 11:49 AM

I am truly sorry this happened to you but I expect that the BW is in denial. You have put a bee in her bonnet and I would think that in time she will realize that you were truthful. Meantime you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

Dreamland posted 11/12/2013 13:52 PM

Ladies here is where I disagree. I would have felt the same way as that BS... I don't think it's anyone's business to tell me my husband is cheating unless he wasn't leaving your wife alone. But your WH was dumped so if anything why get involved. I think it would have been better to talk to the other Wayward and say break it off or your wife might find out.

I am sorry you were hurt but it wasn't your place to do that IMO. Yep I would not be a happy camper.

Rebreather posted 11/12/2013 13:56 PM

Dreamland, I don't understand.

If your husband was cheating, you'd prefer not to know based on who the messenger was?

Just making sure I am reading that correctly.

Dreamland posted 11/12/2013 14:03 PM

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW..
Of course if he kept perusing and the MOW was breaking it off or other BH was trying to R and my H was a barrier I see that. Otherwise nada..zipp.. My Marriage is Not your business.

Lucky posted 11/12/2013 14:08 PM

MPK, you absolutely did the right thing, you can't control the outcome. She may or may not be in denial, your words might have given her the truth she didn't want, or wasn't ready to hear. She may very well have been realizing that 2 + 2 wasn't equalling 4. Since she most likely doesn't know you she wouldn't likely fall to your feet in relief. Look how many of us were in denial despite the facts staring at us in the face.
You aren't dragged into anything unless you choose to be. The best thing is to turn to your H and continue your healing. You've informed the new BS - now close that chapter and focus on you & your H.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:09 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 11/12/2013 14:08 PM

Nice job. You did the right thing by telling the other BS. You can't control her reaction.

I wish one of my WW's friends had enough courage or decency to tell me she was having an A. I would've been immensely thankful.

sisoon posted 11/12/2013 15:38 PM

Mpk, If I were the BS, I don't know how I would have behaved initially, but after the immediate shock, I would have become grateful.

You did a difficult thing, a brave thing, and the right thing. If oBS doesn't recognize that now, she will probably do so in the future.

velvethammer posted 11/12/2013 15:47 PM

Always tell the BS. Better to be told/warned than to find out you've contracted AIDS and your life is now over. Seriously? You wouldn't want to know? You'd rather wake up with herpes? At least she's been alerted and can make a decision to protect herself.

7yrsflushed posted 11/12/2013 15:55 PM

MPK you did the right thing. As stated the other BS is likely in denial. Many of us wish the other BS had told us. The other BS in my case knew over a year before I found out. I had to find out when my STBXW confessed after an altercation with the other BS that involved the police.

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW.
Personal choice and I am not attacking you just pointing out a difference in opinion. Your M used to be no one's business but your WS took that privacy away from you when he had his A. The WS makes it other people's business when they have an A. The WS removed the privacy from your M not the bearer of bad news that informed you of the A. Also those of us that weren't told often realize when we do find out that there are in fact multiple DDay's and multiple AP's. So yeah I am all for exposing, what the BS does with the information is completely up to them.

plainpain posted 11/12/2013 15:58 PM

I really believe you did the right thing, as painful as it must have been for both of you. One of the things that is very difficult for me to think about, still, is that one of our 'friends' saw my H out and about with OW, and did not say anything. Not to him, not to me. Quite a few people, actually, knew about it... I wish ONE of them would have had the courage to say SOMETHING. If anyone had said something, I am not sure how I would have handled it. Probably would have been angry, probably would have been in denial, probably would have made excuses for my H. But the fact is, OW is pregnant now. There is no one to blame but my H for that, but I would give anything to have had the chance to confront all this sooner.

What2Thnk posted 11/12/2013 16:36 PM

You did the right thing.

Clearview posted 11/12/2013 16:51 PM

If the people who saw my WS picking up a street hooker had told me in a timely fashion, I wouldn't have HPV today. :(

Mypoorkids posted 11/12/2013 17:51 PM

Thanks for all your support. I debated about telling her for a couple weeks. I felt sick to my stomach when I actually made the call. The reason that I decided that she had to know is because I kept getting nasty infections. I tested negative for STD's but sure wish I hadn't gotten the infections-disgusting thinking about where they came from.

sri624 posted 11/12/2013 18:52 PM did the right thing. dont think for one minute that you didnt. you needed to tell the BS. and i know you would appreciate it if someone told you the truth about your husband. no matter how much it hurt.

can you imagine? just going on with your life as a BS, and people knowing your h is cheating on you, but no one tells you? this is how cheating goes on for years and years...nothing stops, people get AIDS!!

and most cheaters do NOT use matter what they say.

and as a BS, if you want to keep your is better that the a be exposed...out in the light...known by both BSs that cheating is taking place.

i am so GRATEFUL that i was told about my husband cheating. and it wasnt even a BS. it was one of his good friends. he risked his friendship with my h....but he told me the truth...and didnt want to see me walking around with my head in the clouds thinking all was well at home when my h was out there screwing around on me, putting my life and our child's life at risk. he was tired of me being the fool.

and once he put that birdy in my ear...i did my own research and found out the ugly truth about his double life.

always, always, always tell it. you would want someone to tell you.

would you really want to be the wife going around thinking your m is good, smiling, doing all the work in the m to make him happy, being a good wife, mother, homemaker, sleeping with him...making all the sacrifices...when the reality is that your m is a sham, and he is having sex with other people behind your back, not even thinkng about you and your feelings? no way.

you did good. way to go. she is mad. but believe me...she will get over you telling her...and will be grateful later. she is just in denial..and doesnt want to believe it. but...when you get a call like can deny it all you want...but you KNOW it is true.

brokendancer7 posted 11/12/2013 20:14 PM

I agree that you did the right thing. I would have been beyond thankful if someone had kindly called to tell me what WH was doing.

Mypoorkids posted 11/12/2013 21:46 PM

Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better now. I do believe I made the right choice.

Dreamland posted 11/12/2013 23:44 PM

I just respectfully disagree. Just because our WH had affairs doesn't mean that they open the marriage up to the general public. My H only had one A and I would not have believed it unless I found it myself.
IMO that was a hurtful move.. Because you don't gain anything from telling the new BS. It wasn't your H with that OW so just because the OW was with another MM you felt compelled to tell her. I don't like this entitlement of telling the BS's again my opinion.

Hope you focus on healing yourself ...

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