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He wants to remarry. I'm worried it's too soon.

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MrsSouthAfrica posted 12/11/2019 12:57 PM

Don't get me wrong. I was super happy when he proposed the idea we get married again. This year has been the hardest one yet for us. He went through a bit of the anger stage but it only lasted two months. I took the punches and didn't falter. It's been great progress ever since.

We've made such great strides that yesterday, when he got back from work, he took my hand, led me to bed we just cuddled. We've been very intimate with each other lately. It's absolutely wonderful. He proposed just like that and I blurted out of course. I was very giddy and maybe dizzy from the shock.

Today, I am unsure if it's such a good idea. Although we haven't made any specific dates, he's hinted at next year. I feel like we have a long way to go. He says it's to solidify he isn't going anywhere and wants this for us. I want this too, but am unsure if we aren't rushing.

My parents know all these things and are absolutely ecstatic. We did inform them that nothing is set in stone, though. My mom calls me a "survivor story" and continuously thanks my partner for not giving up on me. I think she likes him more now, which I find strange.

I don't have many close friends. I cut out most of the friends I had because they knew about the A. I only hang around the ones that were apologetic made amends with my partner. They're happy for me.

Well, it's good news anyway. Thank you SI and happy holidays.

hikingout posted 12/11/2019 13:09 PM

This IS really good news.

Elaborate for us why the need for concern? Marriage is always going to be a work in progess, so I do not follow. The only thing that comes to mind for me is earlier this year, H gave me a new ring. He wanted for me to understand that to him, we were solid moving forward. It wasn't a statement that there weren't going to be more things to work through. It was simply a statement of this marriage isn't going anywhere. And, honestly I think he's considered us R way earlier than I would have ever expected him to feel that way.

But, inside of me I hadn't dealt with some of my own shame, and at times that ring weighed a lot on my mind. It was more about not having self compassion/forgiveness for myself though. My feelings about myself and where I was in the work had complicated things tremendously during a time that should have been very happy.

Are you feeling that way? What worries you?

Congratulations - if your immediate answer was yes, and your heart is in it (which I believe it is) then don't overcomplicate it? Whether we are married or not, there is going to be work to be done. I remember both of your posts, this is a gigantic leap forward for both of you and I couldn't be happier to see that you have made it to this place.

fooled13years posted 12/11/2019 13:14 PM

IMHO courtship is the time to learn who your potential life mate truly is at their core and if you are compatable.

I would say that being what you and MrSouthAfrica have been through, the mistakes made and the work to get through them, you both know who the other is.

Both of you will continue to make mistakes but I hope neither of you make such large ones again.

I knew I would get married again, and IMO, it is much better the second time around.

Good luck

Pippin posted 12/11/2019 13:27 PM

Are you worried because - change can be scary, even change that you welcome. It means you give up something you have now that is familiar, for something unknown that is potentially/probably better but you are not sure because you don't know exactly how you will feel, how he will feel, what it will look like. Does that fit the worry you have? If so, dx=normal and you'd better get planning.


MrsSouthAfrica posted 12/11/2019 13:28 PM

Thanks, hikingout. Actually, what worries me is the idea that he might be rushing the decision and will regret it later. We both know that there will always be work to be done, even in marriage. It just feels so surreal.

We are a little over four years dealing with my A. I guess it just seems like if we're remarrying, then we're saying we're rconcilled and affair stuff is over...which is hardly the case. It confuses me a bit.

This has been the best year in terms of R for us. He sees me as someone who has paid the price (divorce) and earned a second chance. I want to be the best version of me for him and for myself. I feel like I'm still lacking in that a bit, he says otherwise. He says he's never felt more loved and appreciated than in these last two years when I fought so hard to keep him and did everything he needed from me. So I guess I should follow his lead on this?

MrsSouthAfrica posted 12/11/2019 13:33 PM

fooled13years - Oh, yes, it's very scary. I get thoughts of "What if I ruin it again?" or "What if he regrets it and changes his mind?"

And yes, we know each other very well. We have boundaries in place in which we are both completely comfortable in. This time, if we go in this, we're doing it with our eyes wide open.

Thanks for the 2 cents.

MrsSouthAfrica posted 12/11/2019 13:35 PM

Pippin - it's exactly as you mentioned. A part of me is scared. We have a good dynamic going and marriage could be great, but I am afraid it could have a negative impact on what we have accomplished.

And Thank you!

[This message edited by MrsSouthAfrica at 1:37 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

DoinBettr posted 12/11/2019 13:50 PM

There is every reason to do it tomorrow over today. - Proverb from a procrastinator
You already messed up the last marriage so bad it ended, what are you scared of this time?
As long as you are both honest and open with each other, why not be together legally?
You hurt him, he loved you harder than anyone in your life ever will by coming back. You showed him you could forgive his anger because you understand him more than anyone.

What else do you need for a marriage?

Why would you stop discussing the affair once you got married? He is still effected by it and so are you. Maybe stick to seeing the positive. Maybe listen to "Million Reasons" the song and think about the words. He has a million reasons to not marry you and he is grabbing onto the 1 reason to be with you again.

emergent8 posted 12/11/2019 13:51 PM

Congratulations! I don't think he's telling you that there is no work left to do, but that he is ready to jump back in with both feet. I honestly think the worst thing you could do here is hedge on whether you're ready to do the same.

That certainly doesn't meant that there's not work left to do - there always will be and I don't need to encourage you about that as you have already demonstrated your commitment to the same. What he's telling you is that, despite the healing and work that remains, he knows you're going to make it. That's wonderful.

landclark posted 12/11/2019 16:09 PM

I guess I would be concerned with the fact that youíre concerned. Heís taking a big leap and if youíre not ready to leap with him, you should probably talk to him about it.

There are no guarantees in life really. You may screw up again. He may screw up. Thereís always that chance in any relationship. Marriage doesnít have to mean we stop working on ourself.

[This message edited by landclark at 4:09 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Pippin posted 12/11/2019 18:39 PM

I think you should hang on to this: To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self . . and to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self. (Kierkegaard, but many others have said basically the same thing)

I think your husband is making a choice for life, and hope, and of course it's risky, and he's probably scared too. Being in a relationship is by definition risky. Even if you are both perfectly wonderful to each other there will be death, at some point. Much easier to have no relationships and hide in a corner watching TV all day with no risk. If I were you I'd probably share my anxiety and then not go on too much about it, but use whatever strategies I have to manage the discomfort when it comes. And then get to the really uncomfortable part - how in the world are you going to manage all the etiquette questions? Who has written a guide to remarriage after infidelity? You're going to be making it all up as you go along. What will you serve? Twice baked potatoes? What will you wear? I'd put him in combat fatigues and myself in a red A-line dress with a chastity belt, but perhaps you will be more tasteful Good luck with the planning and I hope you share the details.

emergent8 posted 12/11/2019 18:55 PM

Twice baked potatoes. I'm dying!!!

IHatePickingName posted 12/11/2019 19:22 PM

Pippin, you have me in stitches here 🤣🤣🤣 i would pay to attend that wedding.

Jorge posted 12/11/2019 20:00 PM

Your husband is one of a few (can count on one hand) SI BH's who I believe has a complete handle on where he is and where he's going. If he says it's time, it's time.....and I believe him without an ounce of uncertainty. Zero.

fareast posted 12/11/2019 20:27 PM

I agree with Jorge and the others. Your BS knows his heart and heís seen all of your efforts. Do not let doubts and fears paralyze you from moving ahead. You both deserve this. Go for it. Every M is a work in progress, but yours will definitely have a head start. Congrats and good luck.

EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2019 21:31 PM

Twice baked potatoes

But aside - twice baked are delicious!

MrsSouthAfrica - nothing saying you can't have a nice long engagement - there is no hurry here. And I agree if you are having thoughts, just talk to MrSouthAfrica about them.

I'm happy for you!

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/11/2019 21:54 PM

If you have concerns I think you need to figure out where those concerns are coming from. Will his confidence be enough to make up for you being not ready? Don't you think that if you are not yet ready it may, if things get rocky come back to haunt you (both)? Don;t jump back into the M out of guilt or obligation. History shows you left for some reason.

Ideally you both should be 100% "in" the remarriage. But that is a fairy tale equation.
He is probably a solid 85-95%
Are you 50-75-90% more? less?

MrsSouthAfrica posted 12/12/2019 02:05 AM

Thanks for all the comments. Perhaps I was thinking too much into it. It was a genuine shock to me because I wasn't expecting him to propose at all right now. We hardly touched on four years and reading here and other places I just assumed the consensus would be longer to even get to that point (5 years and above). But I do agree with you guys though. Now that I've had the time to process it better, I'm looking forward to getting married again.

I've talked to him about this. He pretty much said what most of you have been saying. What's there to be unsure about? You know what I want and I know what you want. You've met all my needs and requirements. We're making it work so why not make it official again? We won't stop talking about the A yet. There will always be work to do in the relationship. It wouldn't be a relationship without working together anyway.

I told him I love him very much and would be forever grateful if he would have me as his wife again.

You guys were certainly right about being authetntic, consistent and working on myself. I feel like a completely different person from all those years ago.

Pippin - Well, since it's going to be a small wedding, those ideas might fly well.

MrsWalloped posted 12/12/2019 07:37 AM

Such beautiful news! Congratulations!!!

Iím very happy for you. And I agree not to overthink it. As long as you donít get complacent and keep working on yourself and together, itís wonderful.

myself in a red A-line dress with a chastity belt


For some reason I have a picture of Lynn Redgrave with the medieval iron chastity belt with that huge lock on it from that old Woody Allen movie.

TimSC posted 12/12/2019 10:39 AM

Mel Brooks' "Robin Hood - Men in Tights" was what popped into my mind.

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