Newest Member: SoBeyondLost17
Codependency In The Marriage: A BS's Common Mistakes
submitted by Lordhasaplan?
Hello all my SI friends,
I write a lot to deal with the affair think it through, process and work through my issues. I wrote this about a month ago, I really think it might help, I was thinking about my Marriage and some observations from what I have seen on SI. Hope this helps someone else.
Given the devastation that is unleashed on our lives in the wake of discovering that our spouse was unfaithful, it's not uncommon to find ourselves holding on and attempting to fix the WS or control the Marital outcome. Codependency, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. Are you making your relationship more important than yourself? I know I did, prior to the affair and increased that in the aftermath of D-Day. Please let me say this as clearly as possible. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who's not. The harder you try the worse it will become; you do it at the detriment to yourself, putting that dysfunctional relationship first. Many BS's here wanted my marriage so bad they were willing to negotiate with thier WS to their own emotional and mental peril.
There are many reasons I have seen here on SI for the codependency within the marriage. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership. It can be about controlling outcomes and assuming a motherly/fatherly role with the WS. It can be a historic need by the BS to work the partner's problem or issue in an attempt to "fix" their problems. But other issues in a couple's lives can foster codependence, too. I will discuss a few that I have seen in hopes to allow the BS's to relate and identify their codependency issues and address them head on.
Codependency issues seem to gravitate around a few common things here on SI. The first being control. Many times the BS grabs control of the relationship and allows the WS to give less and unplug from the Marriage. They do this because they perceive the WS as out-of-control person or to have some flaw the WS refuses to address or BS is not allowing them the space to address. This dynamic allows the BS to get to be the person who is in control and thus be respected for being the responsible one or one who steps up. It allows the BS to be the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength. This dynamic also allows a WS to feel less than capable, if they have underlying self-esteem issues it creates a further expansion of the space by which they can spiral that place.
Another common codependency issue is codependency to the self-absorbed or uninterested partner. This may happen in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one. Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. For them simply being in a relationship - even one that's not ideal - may also be comforting and allow them to see themselves in a particular way that they perceive is positive. A lot of times this is the case when the BS is the one with the low self-esteem . The BS says to themselves, I'm no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to or should put up with this. These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.
Ask yourself a few questions regarding your relationship, see if you believe your codependent to the WS or the idea of the marriage. Is this relationship more important to me than I am? While love does have a selfless element, we all want to make partner happy, do you see yourself as "the giver" and your WS "the taker". If so you might be codependent. Giving a lot for that person because you love them is fine, but you shouldn't be destroying yourself to give it. If I have to do that, something's wrong.
Ask yourself, What price am I paying for being with this person? This is a big one post affair. It can be helpful to jot down a list of things you're giving up to be in this relationship. If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that's not generally healthy for a person. If the price is costing you, well YOU! Its not worth it.
Ask yourself, Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who's not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, it's a mother/father relationship.
Co-dependent marriages are the most abusive form of marriages. They are based on need, but are not healthy. Each partner in the marriage tries to take advantage of his or her hold on the other partner. This can often deteriorate into the sort of marriage where the two partners can neither live together nor live apart. This is where BS's need to be aware, and stop the marriage from sliding into co-dependency. The individual needs the confidence to become independent, to stand on his own feet. There is no harm in encouraging inter-dependence, but co-dependence in a marriage must be avoided at all costs. This is really the beauty of the 180, it focuses back on us, not he WS and their behavior, not the desire to have a marriage that is other than what the piece of crap it is.
Hope this is food for thought!