Newest Member: SoBeyondLost17
submitted by Errin
After collecting myself to some degree I began to scour for reasons of my H's betrayal to me.The shocking discovery left me so baffled as to why this man who I believed was my rock, my better half would jeopardize the life we had worked so hard to reach.Each time I would ask him why, or how,he would only hang his head in shame I answer "I don't know,I just thought I was old and unappreciated,or that you didn't care anymore,but I know now I was so wrong." He would plead with me to allow him to spend the rest of his life proving to me his loyalty and dedication.Yet, I needed reasons answers,something explanatory. After the advice of our therapist I began my research on Midlife Crisis or Midlife Turning Points.
The first article that I read was as if My H was the classic text of which had been written.The behavior described was near identical to the descriptions my H would tell me when I would plead with him for answers.My H did reveal to me that he felt life was passing him by,he felt this urgency to live on the edge,he lost sight of reality.My H refers to this time now as "His Other Life." He found himself in something new and different and the changes in himself were noticable.He lost weight,he became more energetic.Unfortunately, he directed this newfound energy to cross over the line and Infidelity entered his world and nearly destroyed us both.He reacted to an identity crisis.This midlife angst with a personality that ditches any logic or reasoning,but instead promotes radical values and immaturity.The disillusions surfaced and he lost the connection with his own self. He wandered aimlessly out of control to follow this temptation,or curiosity.This newfound energy often does surface with the midlifer who not only wanders aimlessly to betray his mate,but also deceives himself.
Midlife crisis can be an awkward passage of time, a general funk that needs to be released.The distortion that some will experiece is normally temporary.Men will often see an opportunity to have an affair to boost their sagging ego and enhance their vitality.Often the women who fill this need are younger ,but not necessarily more attractive than their current spouse.A typical example was of a man who is in his forties,he buys a red convertible,changes his hair length,and in his passenger seat sits a much younger woman who is stroking his lagging ego.All the compliments from this woman feed his depleted boring and seemingly meaniless life, thus the fantasy begins.The risks are huge,but the distortions and illusions are powerful and the affair is born.It often then escalates fullblown until it's exposure whether self induced or the spouse through her/his detective work discovers the truth.
So is it a myth as some researchers will indicate? Is it an excuse for some to go temporarily in sane and live on the wild side? In my findings I found so much documentation and near identical behavior that I tend to believe the crisis does exist.Why do some men or woman and not all of us venture off to this world of deception and heartache? I believe that some of us are fundamentally stronger morally,spiritually and ethically.My H was weak, he did succumb to a horrendous selfish transformation of the man I thought he was.He too views his behavior as a weakness and refused to make excuses for midlife crisis or re-route the blame.It still is no reason to sacrafice a good marriage, but at the very least I do have something to relate to. My H made a selfish decision and allowed himself to transform to a uncharacteristic wayward spouse.He has never attempted to void his responsiblity or divert his blame.I was the desperate partner who searched for some inkling of explanation.It does not condone or solve his behavior but the documented research was such an eye opening correlation.
The optmistic news I unveiled was the most midlifers who fit the crisis catagory or midlife depression do survive.Once reality returns and the acceptance of the devastation and prioritizing begins and reckoning with the aftermath.For some the damages are too extensive and irreversible.Marriages are shattered and sometimes abandoned.However, many couples are able to navigate through the turbulent times and discover a deep appreciation an connection for one another.We as a couple, turned the corner towards recovery and we too are evidence and another documented survival story.