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Emotional Affairs

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2yrsinthedark posted 5/28/2008 20:09 PM

Do your WSs ever talk about A if you dont bring it up. My WH will not touch the subject if I dont. I have told him several times that when he sees me upset or when he just knows Im thinking about it, he needs to come to me, hug me, tell me he is sorry. The other day I saw a name on his calender on OW birthday. I asked him, and he says he just didnt know what it meant. I left it at that, but it sure as hell bothered me and he knew it!! But he didnt say a word. It took about a day and I finally blew. I told him how I felt, but he doesnt seem to understand the constant reassurance I need. Its all so frustrating.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:10 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

hopefulnz posted 5/28/2008 20:33 PM

Hi 2yrs.
My FWH is the same. He refuses to talk about it. He has trouble talking about it when I bring it up.

I've tried to explain to him that I need constant reassurance that I am not making a huge mistake Ring with him. He just doesn't seem to get it!

It's taken 20 years for him to remember the date of my birthday but he knows hers.

What bothers me most is the blame shifting he did. Some was valid & there have been things that I am working on as far as how I communicate but I don't see him doing the same.

He told me his biggest high was from the fact that she "listened" to him. Hello - I can I listen to you when you refuse to talk?

Listeningclosely posted 5/30/2008 10:29 AM

2yrs -

Do your WSs ever talk about A if you dont bring it up.

I don't tend to bring it up proactively, because I have kept my full focus on the work I have had to do to repair our M and help Wells feel better about our future.

With that said, I don't deflect if she brings up an issue. Any question she asks, I answer openly and honestly.

She also, though, keeps things to herself that I am not aware of. For example, she admitted to me the other day that she has been monitoring xMOW's posts on the site I met her on over the last few weeks to see if she mentioned me at all. My b-day was the 19th, and she was curious if it would spark any posts from xMOW about it (it didn't, btw). I had no idea that she was still monitoring xMOW's activity. It doesn't bother me that she does, there's no risk on my side as I have been done with her since almost a year ago. But as a WS, I can't help her through things if she isn't letting me know what she is looking at.

I applaud your efforts to try to involve your WS by calling out your concerns like the b-day issue. Keep at it - hopefully your WH will start to open up more.

dayatatime posted 6/8/2008 18:47 PM

We are doing well in R - transparency, NC, remorse, etc. Now that my wounds have had some time to heal I actually feel sorry for WH sometimes.

See, when he got involved with OW he stopped having sex with me, withdrew emotionally... he focused as much of his energy as he could on her. He lost a ton of weight - couldn't eat presumably because he was so tortured by luuuvvv.

After D-day a simple Google search for her found that she had been chatting/flirting etc. with a TON of men during the whole A. This was in addition to her boyfriend, whom she was still dating and sleeping with...

WH, during his fog, told me she was better/prettier/smarter/younger/nicer than me and that I deserved to be cheated on. (He later recanted the whole thing and feels horrible about being so addicted.)

The more I think about it the sadder I get for HIM that he could pour his entire heart and soul into some serial OW whose goal was to collect as many men as she could without her boyfriend's knowledge. Meanwhile, WH was pining away, sucking dry his M, losing weight and in luuvvvv.

So sad!

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 6:53 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]

tormentedsoul posted 6/8/2008 21:07 PM

don't feel to sorry for him. He got himself into the misery he's in

2yrsinthedark posted 6/9/2008 21:08 PM

I was wondering if your WHs acted differently towards you during the A. I was clueless, he was always telling me he loved me, very affectionate, and sex was great. Although I wonder now how many times we had sex after he just had online sex or phone sex w/ her. Him wishing I was her. Kinda scares me how easy it was all to him. The night I found out, he was at work, he even sent me a text telling me good night and that he loved me. I just about threw the phone across the room. Funny, I have mixed emotions about those texts he sends me now. I like him to send them to me, yet to many times it reminds me. Sorry, just feeling a bit sad tonight, just kinda ranting here. Hope everyone has a good night.

tormentedsoul posted 6/10/2008 07:58 AM

Isn't it amazing how they can pretend it never happened and just pick up like nothing ever happened?
Hang in there!

capri posted 6/10/2008 10:36 AM

FWH will not talk about it if he can help it. I guess to be fair, he'll now stay and talk, he'll even stay on the phone when he's at work when I've had a couple of horrible nights and called and started in on him. But questions specifically about any of the ow... he YELLS. He's made it clear it's none of my business. As a result, I've finally quit asking, and I've quit giving myself to someone who thinks that the other women in his life are none of his wife's business.

And no, he won't bring it up. We have not slept together in six months, and it's not important enough yet for him to bring up. So I think that tells me all I need to know. They are his little secret and there is absolutely nothing in the world, not me, not our marriage, not even sex, that outweights keeping it that way.

It's hard to answer whether his behavior towards me was different, since his lt ea with #1 started shortly before or during our separation, and continued for 13 years without me knowing. I thought our problems were due to the in-law issues that led to the separation.

For the same reason, I wouldn't have necessarily noticed anything different during the years of coffee dates with #2. He always tended to be very careless with punctuality anyway.

During the approximately 6-9 months that he was trading the warm-fuzzy forwards with #3, he did quit having sex, and insists it was because he was getting ED. But it's funny that about the time he finally told her to quit the e-mails, he had an amazing miracle healing. He was all over me on a regular basis. And when I pointed this out, he told me there was no difference! So apparently I'm so stupid that I can't tell the difference between going to bed alone every night, distressed that my husband shows no interest even when I go down to talk to him in a slinky negligee... and having the Italian Stallion on Viagara wearing me out. Nope... no difference at all.

tormentedsoul posted 6/10/2008 22:20 PM


sounds like you've become roommates with your WH and that you two aren't establishing a healthy relationship and moving ahead with R... I hope I'm wrong. I guess it'll be hard to move forward if he won't admit that he was wrong and has to work on his boundary issues
hang in there!

capri posted 6/11/2008 09:07 AM

Yes, TS, we are living like roommates. No, we are not establishing a healthy relationship or moving ahead with R, and I'm through trying.

I just deleted the long list but I have done everything I can, and he can't so much as crack a book. He quit IC and wasn't dealing with his lying and ow there anyway, he refused to finish the Retrouvaille post sessions (because I felt hopeless that he was still e-mailing ow3 at the time, and I didn't even know he was also in contact still with ow1). He lied to two mc. He's still minimizing all of this. He's still not telling me a story that really makes sense. He's not being transparent. He won't answer my questions about these ow without yelling and getting angry. ETC. He still wants to convince himself that if he's just really nice we can just shove all of this under the rug and pretend we have a Fairy Tale Marriage.

One thing I've finally learned is that I can't make a good relationship all by myself. He doesn't want to do his part.

2yrsinthedark posted 6/14/2008 17:10 PM

I have checked everywhere making sure WH doesnt have a secret email account and I havent found one. But I know he must have one at work and my gut is screaming at me. I havnt asked him about it, I dont know I guess Im scared of what I might find out. Do any of you have a feeling about what your WS might be doing at work.

2yrsinthedark posted 6/14/2008 17:10 PM

I have checked everywhere making sure WH doesnt have a secret email account and I havent found one. But I know he must have one at work and my gut is screaming at me. I havnt asked him about it, I dont know I guess Im scared of what I might find out. Do any of you have a feeling about what your WS might be doing at work.

capri posted 6/15/2008 10:11 AM

2yrs, I have the same feeling. In fact, I have known all along that he continue to use his work account for personal mail he didn't want me to see. For awhile, that included swearing to me and mc1 that he was an open book (he'd even given me his personal email pw) while still talking with ow1 via his work account. When I gave him an ultimatum almost two years ago, he came home two days later and said he'd sent her NC e-mail. Who's to say?

The internet being what it is, I know he can do anything he wants from work, and I can't possibly find every secret e-mail account he or his 'friends' decide to set up to fool me.

I already know that he has received other, 'harmless' personal e-mail at his work account all along. And I know he doesn't want me anywhere near it, despite mc1 telling him in no uncertain terms that he MUST be transparent and MUST let me show up at work and look at this account any time I wanted. Failing that, he told him he MUST forward all personal e-mail from his work account to me, which he promised to do, and future events proved he never intended to keep that promise, not even as he was saying the words.

I don't bother asking him, because he has repeatedly shown himself to have no credibility.

Mostly at this point, I just pity him because he's thrown away a wife who loved him deeply, he's thrown away his chance for a wonderful and loving marriage. And the kicker is, the more he withholds the the truth, I keep looking for it, and bit by bit what I'm finding out is that he threw it away for women who didn't even think that much of him even at the height of their 'friendships.' Poor fool.

dreamlife posted 6/16/2008 05:17 AM

Hi everyone~

I think that this is the only way my WH can *relate* to others...online lust which lead to fantasy EA's.

He's on that perpetual quest of finding that Perfect Person, man or woman.
(And, he gets jaded very quickly!).

He lives in his head.

thejo posted 6/17/2008 15:37 PM

My H has been in an EA for 2 1/2 years. He left me once for her. I took him back and it started up 2 mo after and has been going on ever since. He is now leaving this weekend and of course is blaming me for everything. It just amazes me how they can turn it all around onto us. I caught him 3 mos after he got back and he asked me to leave it alone and it would end. one mo later it had excalated to daily. Now the last time I saw the bill it was 5 to 6 times daily. He now still blames me for not leaving it alone. I am guessing because I am making him leave before he is ready to leave this time.

tormentedsoul posted 6/18/2008 01:15 AM

sounds like he's fence sitting.. good idea to push him off... it'll force him to make up his mind about what he really wants... you should have kicked him out long ago

thejo posted 6/18/2008 08:00 AM

Yes, I should have kicked him out long ago. I know I wasn't strong enough and that may have cost us our marriage. I have a question for the EAs out there. I wonder how many have actually left for the EA and stayed with that person. Any numbers available out there?

reallylost posted 6/18/2008 14:29 PM

Mine did not..although I wonder if I hadn't broken up the party by finding out..what might have happened...I think about that all the time. I think because ea's are so fantasy like that they think they could actually leave and justify whatever they feel is the reason they are doing it. EA's are so unreal in their foundation..I would bet that not many would make it ..But, I also wonder if they ever really get over them unless they go PA and see the reality is not as good ....that is so hurtful to think that my h is maybe resentful of me because I stopped his fantasy habit.

2yrsinthedark posted 6/21/2008 08:30 AM

Mind didnt either Thejo, but from what I read (the IM I found), sure sounded like he wanted to. It still haunts me. Although he says its me he wants, I wonder. Is he w/ me because their is no other way. Is he "stuck" w/ me financially &/or for the kids, his job?? (he is close to retirement and she lives 600 miles away). Does it all suck or what??

capri posted 6/21/2008 19:06 PM

He told me his biggest high was from the fact that she "listened" to him. Hello - I can I listen to you when you refuse to talk?

Uh, yeah. I pointed out to fwh recently the idiocy of spending our prime 'private' time of day with ow2... complaining that I wasn't giving him enough. To paraphrase... hello? How can I provide you with a great sex life when you're out, whereabouts unknown to me, with another woman????

2yrs, I feel the same way. He says he wants to be with me, as evidenced by moving across the country for me, by breaking it off with them when I asked (well, not exactly when I asked, more like after several months of lying and repeatedly getting caught...). Somehow, I just don't feel that he could possibly want to be with me. How can you lie and sneak behind someone's back and criticize them to another woman for years on end, and actually WANT to be with a person you see worthy of that sort of treatment??? I do wonder if ow1 just wasn't interested in him that way. He's said that ow3 moved on to newer and more interesting employees at work, so, yes, it does leave me wondering exactly what would have happened if she'd remained interested in him.

Their lies just undermine everything.

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