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Emotional Affairs

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reallylost posted 6/24/2008 09:13 AM

I think some of these op are serial ea offenders. Like my situation, ow has some special relationship with one of the men in the office at all times...and for a period of time maybe more than one...I think once she has them though some of the excitement wears off. It's a game and I lost. I think she feels that she can switch men like game pieces and I would like mine to be out of the game. He has to work there right now...I even had him call her today...found we had a problem with our health insurance and guess who takes care of that? I hated to do it but I had serious problems with policy saying it wasn't paid...I really would like to kick her a**! He tries to stay out of the office but her position causes him to have to have contact sometimes. I think I am going to start monitoring email if I can.

anniegirl1 posted 6/24/2008 18:50 PM

I found out a month ago about an EA that my husband was having over the phone with someone.(she was having a fling with his buddy several yrs ago,& called him to check on him. Oh & she's married too with kids the same age as ours). They were according to cell records talking 2-3x a mnth since Sept. 1st they both denied then he fessed up but said it was only to talk to get a womans perspective on our rut we were in. We then starting paying attention to each other & trying to have a better relationship & we were. But I still felt things didn't add up.After finding an old cell phone.. he had hidden her # under a buddy's name. I asked him about it,since it had been a year since we switched phones & he said that they had been talking that long but knew that I wouldn't understand if she was a friend.(I've never met her)They didn't talk a lot but they talked that long.After talking more found out that she had stopped by his work for a couple of x"s only for a few mins. He said it was maybe 3x"s when playing bingo near there and Was sorry if he hurt me but then said it was because he felt I was lazy(Im stay @ home mom,part time clown,clean for an elderly woman 1x a week&volunteer @ daughters school.)& he was working all the time & I DO KNOW that he was.I see how he probably felt overwhelmed but I just can't see where it is ok for the "friendship" they had(they haven't talked since.Think she's afraid I would tell).He said he would never let anything happen & it never did but we know that she would. I do kinda believe that it was just venting a couple a x's a mnth for him but he lied & that is not him, he's normally honest to a fault.How much really happened I'll never know.I just feel like I get all the crap & she gets away scott free with the husband not knowing. Am I wrong for wanting to tell.I FEEL SOOOO STUPID! Sorry for rambling(noone to talk to)

2yrsinthedark posted 6/24/2008 20:19 PM

annie, sorry you are here, but welcome. It is totally up to you whether you want to tell her husband. You wouldnt be wrong and Im sure he would want to know. I know if OW in my case had a husband, I sure as hell would have told him. Thats my opinion, but everyone's situation is different, its up to you.
How are you doing?

anniegirl1 posted 6/24/2008 23:51 PM

Hi 2yrsinthedark,thanks for asking.Been along day just trying to be strong (the 180)& not let what he said last night get to me as much.WH just left for work but before he did he had to make me feel like I can't handle anything with out his imput. Daughter is at camp gets out Sat. but sister said that she can stay a few days with her if I wanted(to give us time together)& my sis could visit with her. H text me last night from work to say he taken off next week so we can go get her.I said great & that I'm sure that it's good & would call my sis today.Got busy doing housework & waiting for 9pm(free min)but I let it get too late & decided to call tomorrow. He blew up saying that he just can't take off anytime & he had already taken the days & I told him I needed to make sure that it's alright, & I just can't take things for granted. That I always "fly by the seat of my pants"....Well,I knew that he had taken off & couldn't change-Do not want him to-didn't ask him to. My sis had already said that it was ok. I was just going to call & confirm.But we had talked extensively about everything. I think that he is really upset because I talked to him today but that was it. I didn't act all lovey & swoon over him.I know that we up to yesterday were actively R & being more attentive to each other-that's why he had a friend,to listen & pay attention-but after finding how long it was and what he said to me yesterday,I'm still hurt.I didn't act it to him but I HURT!! He has a hard time apologizing for anything but tries to show he's sorry,but he was hurtful blaming me & if playing to his ego is what he needs not to throw fits, I don't know whether I want another baby. Sorry for ranting but...I feel sooo ALONE right now...

2yrsinthedark posted 6/25/2008 19:34 PM

Dont feel alone, we are all here for you. Sounds like he is still kinda foggy. The book "not just friends" might help explain things to him. Do you think you can get him to read it?

2yrsinthedark posted 7/4/2008 11:04 AM

Hi there, we have been pretty quiet lately.
Anyway, I needed some opinions and/or advice. Everytime a holiday or WH b-day passes I all sorts of stuff comes to mind. On fathers day I asked him, "what if she tries to call you?" His response was, " she didnt call me for my bday why would she call now." He sounded annoyed. I didnt make a big stink about it, I just let it go, but its bugging me to death. He didnt say, I would ignore the call, I would tell her not to call or anything like that. I asked him if he would answer the phone, he said no, but I know thats a lie. I know in my gut if she calls w/ her problems or just to say "hi" he will talk to her, I just know it. In Feb. when he broke NC, he said they decided never to talk again. But he never told her that he didnt love her, that he loved me or anything like that. I asked him to write her a NC letter and he never did. I just dont feel any kind of closure I guess. Here I am approaching 1 yr anniversary and still feeling paranoid.
FYI, he isnt doing anything to make me feel this way. As far as I can tell he is staying w/in the bounderies, but I guess his answer the to phone call question has stayed w/ me.
Anyone feeling this way?

SoSleepless posted 7/5/2008 10:06 AM

The EA. most therapists dont even seem to know or understand what this is. and its as devastating as a PA.

'just friends' my ass

2yrsinthedark posted 7/13/2008 17:35 PM

Where are my fellow EAers. Miss the conversations here.

reallylost posted 7/13/2008 17:55 PM

me too!!! Where is everyone? I keep checking and nothing here..I really need to hear from all of you to not feel so alone and crazy..Come out!
Almost 7 months out and still struggling with fwh thinking I should not want to talk about it or know what he discussed with these women ...he had long conversations and emails with them..I haven't seen email account since dday..just recently quit checking cell phone records...he still works with one of these....the one I feel he was the most attached to. Will I ever get over this?

Fireball72 posted 7/13/2008 18:12 PM

I belong here. Hello to everyone. I'd been looking for this topic, but I guess I'd lost it in the shuffle.

My XH had an online EA throughout our entire relationship (pre-marriage and after), and managed to pretty much hide it from me over a period of 5 years. As you can imagine, I'm struggling with this. I didn't have a place like SI when it originally happened, and during the years I've been so busy trying to get my life back into order that I haven't had time to grieve. I'm doing that now. It's very hard. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.

It doesn't help that an EA is treated "differently" than a PA. A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!

I'm flip-flopping right now between extreme sadness and anger. I really do feel like I'm going mad.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thanks for listening to me.

reallylost posted 7/13/2008 18:21 PM

Welcome Fireball,

I feel the same way sometimes...that ea's aren't treated the same as pa's...I can't fathom hurting anymore than I have experienced..the betrayal and feeling that intimate thoughts and discussions maybe about me and my children happened..
I am so glad that you have si now to help you through what I have found to be a long journey...

LearnToLetGo posted 7/14/2008 07:30 AM

Welcome, Fireball, and hi everyone. FB, you and I have very similar stories, as far as the cybersex and EA goes. I didn't meet FWH online, but I knew he played a couple of online games, and I was cool with that... until I discovered the private roleplaying he and WOW were doing on the side... and her protestations of eternal love (literally - she thought they were reincarnated, fated star-crossed lovers).

He refused to even consider the fact that what he'd been doing was an affair, for ages. And I wasn't even entirely sure myself, at first, 'cause like you said, it's supposedly 'not really' an affair if there's no real life sex... yeah. Sure.

My only major regret is that I was never able to find contact information for WOW's BH. It's far too late now, but I'll always wish I'd been able to alert him to what his cyberslut of a wife was doing to him.

lemony.2008 posted 7/14/2008 07:35 AM

Both my WH and my ICs (different people) basically dismissed EAs as a form of infidelities. His IC (male) basically said they were just fantasies and my IC (female) said they weren't "real" affairs because my WH didn't sleep with them. Needless to say, we have changed ICs.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 7:37 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

reallylost posted 7/15/2008 09:51 AM

Lemony, I think that belief comes from people who are afraid to admit the truth...they themselves have had those feelings perhaps and have given themselves permission to do so ...because it isn't really a betrayal...Bulls***..We know the pain and devastation of this betrayal and it can never get better if they don't admit to the person they have hurt that it was just that and WRONG! That is why I was afraid to go to counseling. I hope you can find some way to get you ws to realize or come out of the fog and own it!

ThatGhostIsMe posted 7/15/2008 13:13 PM

A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!

Exactly, Fireball.

I've always said that I would be far more devastated to find that my H had become emotionally involved with another woman than I would to find that he'd had sex with another woman. Now, I can't say for sure that it's so, since my H's A was strictly an EA, but I can say that since D-day I've done a lot of thinking about "possibilities" - so that if something else came out later I'd have already explored my feelings about it - and I honestly don't think I'd care if my H said he'd had sex with someone else in the past at this point.

When we were talking after D-day, I reminded him about what I'd said in the past & said, "You went there." I told him I wished he'd just screwed her when they were out of town on business together, because it wouldn't have made it hurt any more than it already does.

reallylost posted 7/15/2008 13:41 PM


capri posted 7/16/2008 23:22 PM

SoSleepless, I agree that too few therapists understand ea. Our 2nd mc had the gall to tell me that I had no reason to be upset about co-workers unwinding and having a cup of coffee together after work. He decided the real problem was my 'anger.'

Of course, fwh didn't tell the mc the whole truth (I only found out later, too), that they weren't co-workers, that he was driving to her work. But the mc wasn't interested in the facts that these coffee dates went on for probably at least 2 years, quite regularly (2-4 times per month), that they were discussing very personal things, that fwh was lying to me for years about where he was, or even the facts that fwh was buying this woman coffee for years when he never once took me out on a date that whole time.

Sorry, but if it looks like a date, and quacks like a date, so to speak, it's a date. My so-called husband was dating another woman for at least two years, and a marriage counselor says no problem! UNBELIEVABLE!

Ghost, I feel the same. I think it would hurt far less to find out he'd slept with her when we were separated. But in my situation, I truly feel that even now, he was and is, emotionally speaking, married to ow1, not to me. He has said many horrible things to me and about me to other people. Even now, he won't say a word against #1. Not a word! He can't even bring himself to say that maybe all those hang-up calls right after the nc e-mail were her. Even now, she knows plenty about me that was none of her business, but he yells if I ask about her. Even now, I live with the fact that he moved her to his work e-mail 'to protect her' from me. Never once has he protected me from her or anyone else.

lemony, I think it's really sad that these counselors, and many other people, discount the damage an EA does. For instance, regardless of what you call it, every time fwh and I had an issue, he would never give an inch, but treat me like I was some horrible person for wanting whatever I wanted from him or the marriage (really ridiculous things, like to know where our money went, or to know that his family would behave when they visited ). I now understand that every single argument or disagreement we had was him and her against me. He'd go to her and she'd assure him (based on hearing half the story, of course, and not having to pay off his credit cards herself) that he was a great guy and I was in the wrong, and he'd come home bolstered, and we'd continue in the same pattern. To have three people in a marriage, to have two people working against one of the spouses, to have lies in a marriage-- those things are damaging regardless of whether they ever slept together. In fact, they're probably far more damagin than a one night stand.

2yrsinthedark posted 7/17/2008 21:39 PM

Hi everyone. I need your opinion on something. Before dday, my wh had many "girlfriends" that he would talk to and IM w/ all the time. I knew about them, and many times I would be in the room while he was chatting w/ them. I always hated it, but everytime I mentioned it he would get angry and make me feel like the bad guy for not trusting him. He said he just got along better w/ women.
From what I can figure. he needed some kind of validation and attention from them. I insisted that it was taking away from his me and his family but he didnt care. He would spend hours chatting w/ them. I even told him that it could lead to "crossing the line," again he insisted it wouldnt. All this time he had already fallen for one of them and had phone sex w/ her. Yet he insisted nothing was wrong. I "think" I believe that his affair was w/ only one of them, although he did have online sex w/ one he had just met. Anyway, Im wondering if you all think that although nothing sexual went on w/ the others, and mainly they just joked around and had casual conversations w/ the others, are these considered EAs too? Was he really cheating on me w/ all of them right under my nose. He would talk the the OW in front of me too, but I just didnt know about all the secret conversations that went on between them. I believe she was the only one because they poured their hearts out to each other, called each other ther soul mates, and so on. But now I feel like such a fool for letting it go on for so long. Although I know he resents me for it, he has pretty much ended these friendships. I am afraid though, that he thinks its temporary.

Fireball72 posted 7/18/2008 09:58 AM

Hi, 2yrs.

Honestly, my opinion is this - even if he didn't "go that far" with all of the other women he spoke to, the seeds were there for things to get started, you know what I mean? Even if it hadn't been the OW, it would have been someone else, at least that's what I honestly believe in my case. He just felt 'entitled' to that behavior and wasn't going to stop for me or for anyone else.

At the very least, it was definitely inappropriate conversation. Some people don't consider typed descriptions of sex cheating - I do. If he really wanted to do those things, he could have written you... his wife... a hot love letter. Instead he chose to take it elsewhere. That's inappropriate behavior.
Most definitely.

reallylost posted 7/18/2008 10:09 AM

False r!!!I just saw chats between him and another woman...not any that I had caught before...and he loves her...what do I do!!!please I am about to die

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