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Emotional Affairs

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dayatatime posted 4/6/2008 18:01 PM

Hooray! It's great to have someplace for those of us recovering from EAs. I know my WH's A was an EA only ONLY because I hacked into his email and he bragged to his best friend that he "should have hit it (slept with her) while he could" and that he was still tempted to try to sleep with her.

Still, it has been the most painful experience of my life because of all the "luuvvvv" they shared and how bizarre the relationship became. (She seduces married men for sport and posts the results on the Internet. WH did not know this until I Googled her and showed him... It doesn't remove his responsibility, just illustrates how desperate he was for the attention and admiration.

Looking forward to chatting with others here!

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Cday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 6:03 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Lucky posted 4/6/2008 18:26 PM

Hi dayatatime!

We are going to have quite the little group here aren't we???

capri posted 4/6/2008 20:04 PM

Hi-- another supposedly EA 'only' here. Well, three. And yes, I do keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. He looks at me with big, wide innocent eyes or sometimes shouts in anger that he never slept with them. But I've known him to have that exact look on his face and find hard proof later that he was lying.

I don't think we will get through this, because he is not meeting me halfway, or even a quarter of the way. He's doing lots of really nice things, and spending a ton of money on me, and has himself convinced that makes up for lack of truth and transparency.

momnpain posted 4/6/2008 21:42 PM

I am another member of this group....about a month ago, I found emails between my husband and a coworker....wow! I never knew he could say things like that! I just received copies of his cell phone bills for the last 6 months....waiting to get the data for the text messages! I hate being here, don't know where I am headed, but I am glad to know that there are some others like me here. He claims that there was nothing physical between the two of them....the thing is, though, he knows that I don't have proof of physical activity. God knows he had plenty of opportunity! So....for now, I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop! This is a miserable and devastating feeling....some days I wonder if I can move on from this.

hopefulnz posted 4/6/2008 21:55 PM

I had a friend tell me that my FWH didn't really have an A because he didn't have sex with her. (Lots of kissing, petting etc though)

To me if your husband comes home & tells you that he doesn't love you; is in love with OW it's an affair.

confusedbythis posted 4/6/2008 23:25 PM

I think I need to be counted in this forum too...I already relate to the Emotionally Unavailable spouses but this fits the bill too...

Found out that WH was having EA with my cleaning lady (ick) 3 mos into their "friendship"...who knows how far it would have (has?) gone if I hadn't discovered them? Phone calls of 10-20 per day by WH (who knows how many returned by my lovely cleaning lady??) and many lunches/dinners to just "chat". WH prides himself as a "helper" and sees no harm in trying to help another person with their issues...never mind the secretive-ness or lying or just WRONGNESS of it all...

But I digress from my question which is...

I just found out that he has been lying to me AGAIN-- told me they have had no contact since September and I just found out that he still speaks with her about her new-found AA program. When I asked him about this he said "I thought things were going so well for us...didn't want to rock the boat...And I just don't see what the big deal is- I am just trying to help a person with a huge problem better herself..."

Is there any hope for this????

2yrsinthedark posted 4/6/2008 23:32 PM

I cant believe how similar all our stories are. Last month just after our romantic Valentines getaway , I found you that he made contact w/ her again. Of course he just wanted to see how she was doing. He knew our cell phone bills did not show the numbers of incoming calls. I guessing he called her from the work phone and asked her to call him on his cell. It just so happened that I had just called sprint and asked them to start sending a full detailed bill. Pretty rotten luck for him huh?? Anyway, he said that they decided never to contact each other again. She called him a again the next day, they spoke for 10 minutes, (oh, he doesnt remember that). Then she called him two more times at the end of the month. It only shows a minute, so he might not have been able to answer those calls. Anyway, ths was for the month of Feb. Im still waiting for my online bill from Sprint for the month of March. Its making me crazy! Like some of you said, Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. Im so afraid of what I will find out. I have been thinking of different conversations I would have w/ him if she has continued to call. Their is so much more. Im so glad they finally added this topic for us. Its good to hear from others that are going through the same crap.

reallylost posted 4/7/2008 10:00 AM

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op? Mine does and swears they only have contact about work related issues. I find that hard to believe, but what else can I do? I am committed to this relationship and believe for now that he is too. But, like I said, I found 2 other women after the co worker...I do feel he was more emotionally involved with the one he still works with and I believe it would have gone further if she had wanted it too...that kills me. I also believe that she will attempt the game again..especially if he is avoiding her. He also swears he has no contact with the other women...he certainly wouldn't be dumb enough to use his cell again..and I have informed those two that I know and don't believe the "just friends" plea. How many of you got to confront the op? what is different about your relationships now? Keep posting, I have felt so much stronger knowing so many of you are experiencing the same things. Stay strong!

dayatatime posted 4/7/2008 11:59 AM

My WH still works with OW but fortunately, he got transferred to another location. They email each other very infrequently for work reasons only. WH sends me copies of all of their messages. OW was sent a N/C letter right after D-day. She fished a couple of times but otherwisde kept to the terms of it. (Probably she has already found her next OM.)

IMHO you have to treat an EA exactly like a PA in terms of N/C.

OW was an addiction for my WH. He loved the way she adored him and the idea of being adored by someone more than he adored her.

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Cday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 12:01 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

hopefulnz posted 4/7/2008 15:18 PM

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

Last D Day when FWH finally ended it he told me that things had been escalating in the previous 2 weeks. He said he felt that if they had carried on it would have ended in sex. And he knew that if it went that far there was no going back - our M would be over.

last_time posted 4/7/2008 15:36 PM

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

I totally agree with this. I think it is just the lead-in to when they feel comfortable or the time is right for a PA.

In my case, I know of one time when he went to a black tie affair without me and she was there. I have asked him about that, if anything happened. Guess what the answer was? How'd you know?
No, they didn't even sit at the same table. At the time I didn't know the EA was going on so I told him I didn't want to go this thing, now I could absolutely kick myself.

SHe did live within walking distance of where they worked and she was divorced, no kids at home, so technically they could have gone to her apartment at lunch......but in my heart I don't think he was that desperate, but I've been wrong before.

Lucky, I think an EA becomes a PA with any kind of intimacy, even a kiss

Jean20 posted 4/7/2008 19:32 PM

Count me in to this group too unfortunately!

ragingalone posted 4/7/2008 20:06 PM

I am a member whose WS had an EA. It was only for 18 days and I think that if she didn't live out of state (in NC) and FWH wasn't deploying, who knows what would have happened.
I hate the fact that he talked to her (mainly to cyber sex) instead of me. He did feel so guilty that he tried to tell me once during a phone call home (while he was in Kuwait). I will admit it scared me how he sounded so I interrupted him and told him not to worry about it, that I would love him regardless. I wish I would have let him tell me instead of finding it out on our phone bill (text messages via phone- he never called her... I already cross-checked all the numbers).
Emotional affairs suck.

2yrsinthedark posted 4/7/2008 21:11 PM

I posted this morning in
General this morning, but I wanted to update it a bit and see what you guys think...Why would an incoming number show as unavailable if it is coming from the same provider. We use sprint and so does OW. Could it be that she blocked it so it wouldnt show up on the details? I mean why would sprint not know where the number is coming from. I do know for sure its the same provider. Im so angry I can scream.
I found out in March's bill that she had called WH. He didnt think I would know because incoming numbers were not showing on our bill. As luck would have it, I asked for a more detailed bill and their she was. Well I guess she started feeling uneasy about it and Im guessing she started blocking her number. Im sure its her at the beginning of the Month of March. Curiously enough those "unavailable numbers" stopped showing up when I started trying to contact her. I let her know that I knew about their contact on March 6th and thats when the incoming calls stopped. He swore that their was no more contact after Feb. I havent confronted him yet. What do I say since I really dont have any proof? Im thinking of bluffing and just make him think that I have proof. Funny, Im not as upset as before. Im afraid that Im starting not to care anymore.

wasfooled2 posted 4/7/2008 23:03 PM

Yippeee!!! Another club to belong to!!

My H had an EA that lasted at least a year and a half, from what I can gather from the evidence. He was head over heels in love with this girl, and it nearly killed me. I was suicidal for months. SI members saved my life.

IMHO, the strong emotional connection was much harder for me to swallow than if he had slept with her.

why me??? posted 4/8/2008 18:04 PM

WOW…. I’m in the club too…finally…

My FWH had a 9-month EA with some PA, (kissing) with an aggressive OW who pursued him strongly; she portrayed herself as a friend, but with a much bigger agenda. Actually it was only 3 weeks for him, he got his ego stroked and it lifted him at a low point, she wanted more and he couldn’t follow through. He realized what he got himself into, but by then it was to late, he accepted the fact that he reacted to someone who had way more issues than him (or us) and didn’t know how to end it. He was afraid she would call me. So he allowed it to continue at a minimum. He was weak and has learned. We were close and had a pretty good marriage and this is scary, if this can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. We have to educate and learn from this. She was a psycho and he finally ended it by telling me. Boy, life teaches us a lot! It sucks really badly at times. But we still learn. She was aggressive, he was weak and fell for it. It only makes you stronger, even through the pain………

I will tell you that I spent months and months looking for more to fit the mold of others. Not that him having sex wouldn’t have been harder to deal with than all the EA stuff. But I thought there had to be more. In my mind he either wanted sex or had sex. In the end, I am learning that A + B doesn’t have to equal C. Thanks Lucky.!!!!

We are currently reading “Not Just Friends”. Even though we are two years out. (I struggled and am a slow learner, maybe my delay was I just didn’t want to accept any of it? Who knows) but it is teaching us both a lot and I know we will be ok. I said that before, but somehow lately I feel different…..

Does anyone have book suggestions similar to “Not Just Friends”? I am finding this a true healing piece for us both. I wish I had gotten it a long time ago. But then again, we all learn differently. I feel like I am doing this all ass backwards. But I can’t complain our marriage is solid and I don’t think much could get through this wall we built….

I wish everyone here the best, and hope this truly helps you to find healing……It sucks but in the end, if it’s meant to be, it will be……

J Why me???

jose posted 4/9/2008 09:36 AM

I too belong to this club. It is hard because many people think that it is less damaging than a PA. I wish it could have been a PA only.
She used to work with him and told him, one night 3 y. ago, that she was in love with him. He told me right away what happened , talked to his chief and asked not to do cases with her( fall 2004). End of 2005 and 2006 , he became more and more distant , stressed and moody. I taught he was depressed ( stress due to job? or getting older)and ask him to seek help. I was so worried for him until my children found out about his daily phone calls and told me(7/29/06). When I confronted him, he said that she had become his soul mate and they had not been intimate ( not yet but very close to).He did not want to hurt us , his family ( my IL adore me and were my bigger support) and he was afraid of the scandal it will provoke in the hospital if it became public ( both my H and FIL work there). What a shock!! I emotionally die that day. He was and still is the only man I ever loved. It took him 4 more months to be able to detach from her. To this day, he still take ( as he should) the all responsibility and never has blamed her, it was all his fault. Yes,it is his fault but it is also true that as soon as she came to work in the hospital, she pursued him , became his "good" friend , befriended me and even named her son after him( because she loved my husband' name!!!). Thank God she left in March 07. He has done all the right things since then and is working very hard on our marriage. We had been married for 21 years at the time and were best friends, sharing everything. I trusted him more than myself. Not in a million years could I imagine he could lye to me. I still can feel the pain as I am writing. He is truly sorry and could not be more loving and forthcoming, Unfortunately, deep down in me, something was taken that cannot be replace. Yes, EA can be as devastating than PA.

Screaminginside posted 4/9/2008 10:17 AM

Count me in as a member of this group. As far as I know, my WH's was an EA and not a PA, but at this point, not even sure that matters.

It's been very difficult for me to deal with his having an emotional attachment to someone other than me. They were emailing each other over 100 times a day, meeting after work, cell phone calls, etc. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get over that.

tormentedsoul posted 4/9/2008 16:08 PM

Finally a topic just for me... well for all of us who's been victims of an EA (and who wonder if it was really a PA). There are so many of us, we really deserve this forum :)

tormentedsoul posted 4/9/2008 19:22 PM

Tell your WH that your marriage is going to be a much bigger problem than any she has and that he needs to fix things at home before he can help anyone else and he can never help her and should never talk to her again, she's not his problem, your marriage is his problem to solve (with you)
best of luck

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