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Emotional Affairs

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BetrayedinMN posted 9/9/2008 19:18 PM

I just found this forum and I am glad. This is such a difficult thing to talk about and sometimes believe.

A few months ago, I found emails to WS from a co-worker. I will say most of the stuff was coming from her end but in the past two weeks I found another email simply stating, "I miss you". He says its nothing. I want to believe that but can I?

reallylost posted 9/11/2008 06:38 AM

no, if I had it to do over I would trust my gut feeling everytime...and if it is not a big deal he shouldn't care if you ask him to keep his contact with her work related...do you know anyone at their office that is friends with you? You can never know for sure about what goes on in a work place ..some people can spend a lot of time together and not be to noticeable....but, I bet someone there knows if it is anymore.

BetrayedinMN posted 9/12/2008 08:39 AM

I actually did email with a friend of his in the office (a male friend) who I have never met and asked him about it. He thinks there is no way but I stated some of the reasons I believe it to be true and he understands why I might think that. He himself has gone through his wife having an affair and now they are divorcing so he understands. He said he would be highly surprised if it were true.

Still can't get rid of the feeling of impending doom in my gut though.

Muff2do posted 9/24/2008 21:02 PM

Trust your gut. I wish I had. I had the feeling for a long time that something wasn't right but kept pushing that feeling back. If I had brought up what I felt was going on maybe he wouldn't have told her that he loved her and wish his life with me away.

He would stay up all night writing her long emails telling her how great and special she was. She would then return all the loving word to him the next day.

He has given her up and now sees that he had his head up his ass for about a year.

[This message edited by Muff2do at 9:04 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

BetrayedinMN posted 9/25/2008 10:31 AM

Well I did go with my gut and I was right. He is very remorseful at this point. The worst part is he is going to have to see this freaking woman again on Monday because of a work thing. He is being very sensitive to my feelings but I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about him spending any time with her even if it is work related. WWYD?

Muff2do posted 9/25/2008 22:48 PM

You have the right to question everything that he does. My H called it beating it to death. It wasn't until I got all the answers I needed and I knew he wasn't hiding anything from me that we could move on into a true R.

I know the pain you feel right now and how hard this can be.

The best book I read while having my life fall apart was Not Just Friends. It was the only place I was able to see for myself that I wasn't going nuts.

At that time I didn't know about this site. You will get a lot of support here.

reluctant posted 10/3/2008 17:34 PM

I'm scared. I've dug up an EA my WH was/is having. It started out of town last Sept/Oct. I've had 2 ddays. The first in April, the second 2 1/2 weeks ago. Now I'm digging for more info. Just don't know what to do. He won't admit it's anything but friends. I already know enough to doubt that. So confused.

tormentedsoul posted 10/3/2008 20:02 PM

get the book.. Not just friends... read it.. have him read it... maybe he'll come around to see his mistakes

reluctant posted 10/4/2008 03:27 AM

I'm reading NOT Just Friends right now. Finished Love Must Be Tough. He has never read a book I've asked him to ever.
He won't admit that hiding the existence of 2 women whom he talks to for long times and multiple times a day over a few months is wrong.
He says he was trying to help the 44 year old mother deal with her 21 year old's drug usage and wild lifestyle. It's like he created a completely new family out of town, including their problems. I've read enough posts on here already to see I have KISA on my hands. It comes with it's own problems because he thinks I'm unrealistic and not compassionate and over reacting.

I don't even know which one to worry about more. The 21 yo offered herself to him. He says he refused. The 44 yo spilled her heart to him and relied on him to support her in her troubles. Gag.

Did I mention 44 yo is on husband #5. Yeah, she's monogamous.

UnbearablySadd posted 10/5/2008 01:17 AM

Dear Reluctant,


He has never read a book I've asked him to ever.

i know exactly where you are...

When HIS affair was uncovered last jan, it was like I was assigned a class! After reading 14 (yes, 14), books on affairs, low sex drive, you name it, my WH - despite promises - has never read a single one.

Like yours, my WH claimed only an EA. Never nailed him on the PA with that one, but appears to be having a PA with someone right now...

I have recently come to think that if I have to worry about this stuff that it is not worth it....

Good luck, I hope you are one of the lucky ones!

tormentedsoul posted 10/5/2008 09:05 AM

If your WS won't read a book... try getting the audio version... maybe they'll listen to them. I know 5 love languages is available, not sure but worth a look

UnbearablySadd posted 10/7/2008 23:51 PM

Could we get a poll to see how many think their WS EAs were really PAs??

Did we ever have this poll?

Cause if so -- count me # 1.

(in fact he tried to take it PA and couldn't get it up.... HAHHAHHAHHAHA).

tormentedsoul posted 10/8/2008 11:00 AM

I don't think so... but who's word do I have on that?
The problem with an EA is that they don't think they did anything wrong... which makes R even tougher.

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 11:02 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)]

lm2k posted 10/8/2008 11:46 AM

I had an EA and I KNOW that I did alot wrong...I am glad that it never went to a PA...or I would not be trying to R with my H. It took me 6 months to get to where I am. We are going back to MC tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it. When we went to MC after Dday I hated every minute of each session. I have ordered a few of the books that have been mentioned on SI and plan on reading them and will also give them to my H to read too. R is tough.....I see the pain I have caused and realized it was me who caused it. How sad is that?? Very sad. Without SI these past few weeks I don't know if I could have gotten to where I am right now. Thank you all.

reluctant posted 10/8/2008 17:52 PM

I'm mostly sure WH's EA didn't become a PA, at least not to the point of intercourse. I do think that they hugged hello and goodbye and possibly kissed hello and goodbye. I also think that they touched hands, arms, shoulders when they talked, etc. Picturing those actions is as hard as intercourse because they speak of comfort, affection, intimacy and pleasure in each other's company. I had thought he only had that kind of easiness with me.

The problem I have is that WH won't admit they even hugged. Does he think I don't know him? His whole family is huggy and I've seen him hugging platonic friends. How could he not have been this way in the EA?

hurtandbroken posted 10/8/2008 20:13 PM

The problem I have is that WH won't admit they even hugged. Does he think I don't know him? His whole family is huggy and I've seen him hugging platonic friends. How could he not have been this way in the EA?

I have the same problem. He didn't admit to anything,I had to find the proof and even then some of it he tried to lie.I don't get why they lie about such small details.Like mine lied about even calling her,turns out they spent hours on the phone.So if he will lie about phone calls,it makes sense that he would lie about the more intimate details...Do they really think that we are that clueless about things?

[This message edited by hurtandbroken at 11:36 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)]

StillStanding posted 10/9/2008 09:39 AM

What does it mean when the WS won't even read a self help book or a book on relationships and marriage? Do they just not care or do they think they know it all. Maybe they just resent those who make them feel guilty for their wrong doings.

It is amazing how a WS will cover the truth even if it's laying right out there for all to see and it is funny how we BS will walk around with eyes closed until one day it hits us right up side the head.

I sat and watched my FWW EA form right in front of me. When I started to question her new "friendship" I caught nothing but hell from her. So I trusted her the best I could just to keep the peace. Huge mistake on my part. The only thing I did was put off Dday and when Dday did come the explosion was of a major kind.

Seems that she had tried to take the EA to a PA but her timing was off so she and her EA buddy had made plans to take it to a PA. As it turns out her timing was real bad that day and by luck I figured it out and wrecked their plans by confronting the OP. I get the feeling she hates me for that but she should be thanking me for stopping her from whoring herself out to a no good out for just pussy jerk.

Now it's just a few months shy of 3 years since Dday and she is still in a coma. Marriage is better but more of a friendship and not what I desire at all. Put that together with all the fond memeries I have of her EA and you have a someone like me.

hurtandbroken posted 10/9/2008 10:21 AM

It is amazing how a WS will cover the truth even if it's laying right out there for all to see and it is funny how we BS will walk around with eyes closed until one day it hits us right up side the head.

That is so true.Even with my gut screaming at me,I still chose to believe him.Never again will I have such a foolish trust...Why do they still lie when you have proof of the truth?..It is all just so crazy to me.... I am sorry that your still going thur the effects of the affair...But I don't think the effects ever go away ,everything is forever changed.

StuckMom posted 10/9/2008 12:28 PM

My Wh has a habbit of EA. Some have ended up becoming PA. Once I found out what was going on he supposedly changed his ways. But in reality he is doing the whole EA thing again. I envy those who are financially stable enough to find freedom from this cycle but for now I will keep fighting the battle. The idea of having to "share" the kids etc is more than I can stand. One day they will be on thier own and I will be free. My WH pretends to resi and I guess I do as well. We both have our reasons. When I first found out I tried to sever ties and had hoped to get temporary financial assistance, until I got a second job, from my extreamly wealthy brother. At first he said no problem but then he changed his mind and said it would be better if I stayed. 5 years later I am just as unhappy and live in a dark place. He (my brother) did mention it recently "aern't you glad you stayed. I leaned close and quietly said "honestly no" he looked at me in shock. He is on his third wife and was so shure that things could be different for me. I have done my best not to have bad feelings tword him as this "thing" is not his fault. But when I see him giving $20,000 to people to "help them out" I wonder why my situation is different to him. I have to keep going. I know my kids aern't ignorant to it all especially my oldest but I know I don't have enough money to cover rent and food let alone to raise 3 children so for now here I sit. Trying to make things work or maybe just trying to get through each day one at a time. I now understand why BS's end up becoming WS's. Given a way out I am not sure I would be strong enough not to give up my morals. I keep telling my self I am not that kind of person and could not forgive myself. But I wonder if one day will I forgive myself for not finding a way out?

reluctant posted 10/17/2008 18:59 PM

I'm wondering about having to convince WH that what he did was wrong. He is sticking with the "I was helping a friend" story line.

I wrote a huge letter showing it all to him in black and white. I haven't sent it yet. Does it do any good?

Also, need some help. I know he will have his feelings hurt that I don't trust him. This letter will really hurt him. I have considered his feelings for 17 years. Even in the face of what WS do to us, how can we shut off our compassion toward them? My love for him is still as strong as ever.

I'd love some advice from those who have been dealing longer than I.

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