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Emotional Affairs

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reluctant posted 12/19/2008 13:05 PM

I just know one or both of the OW are going to call WH in the next 2 weeks "just to say Merry Christmas" and see how he's doing. He was heavy in the EAs this time last year and they exchanged lots of disgusting Christmas jokes and texts during the weeks he was home with us. This is our first Christmas since and I know the holiday will make them think of him.

I told him they would call on Thanksgiving. He poo-pood me. Young OW called like I said. He got rid of her because I was right there. I fear next time she will call him when she thinks he is at work or I am asleep. (They had a lot of midnight talks during EA.) She knows when to call him to avoid me, they did it for months.

Young OW is pregnant with her current BF's baby. (My sis checks her MySpace for me) Old OW is the grandma-to-be. I know they want to chat with FWH and tell him their exciting news.

I'm nervous that one of the calls will get through to him when he is away from me and that he will chat with them and/or hide it from me. Even if he restates NC to them and hangs up, they will be on his mind again.

I just feel crappy having this hang over my head. He has been totally NC and so good to me since Sept. Still I feel crappy. I hate even thinking that those be-otches are reminiscing about last year with him.

Lalagirl posted 12/19/2008 15:50 PM


I had the same exact problem during the holidays with OW #2 -- any holiday, birthday..."just to say Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Freaking Arbor Day" - any excuse to text him. It's annoying and it's a nasty trigger.

And I did not being poo-poohed either - that's discounting my feelings and I let FWH know I did not like it.

First of all, your WH does not have time for this dramafest going on with this mother/daughter thing. Has he been to IC/MC? I'm only asking because (in my case), that's what it took to get my FWH out of the fog. (You can read my profile if you want - it's kinda long, but a similar situation in that your WH has been bitten by the KISA bug! Mine was the same way..."Poor OW needs this fixed and doesn't have anyone to help and she has kids and blah blah frickedy blah...." I feel your pain honey.

But with the right tools, things can get better - I hate to push the counseling thing, but without it I think I would have divorced him.

Hugs to you,


reluctant posted 12/19/2008 17:26 PM

IC/MC are completely out of the question for us. No money, no insurance, and thanks to MIL, my FWH is scarred for life when it comes to family counseling and flatly refuses to go.

I'm so wishing that they do send a middle of the night text to FWH. He is at home right now and sleeps in a different room from his phone charger. Since dday I've developed a habit of listening for the tell-tale ding and I hope to get to the text first. DELETE!

This whole KISA thing is so nerve wracking. On one hand, I don't have the aweful PA to deal with. On the other, he still insists it was just a friendship that was "a little too close" and he "wonders how they are doing." All in all, he has been great and he did dump them like a sack of potatoes when he saw what a raging pain I was in by the 3rd dday. I always wonder if his nice-guy ways are gonna put me in this situation again some day.

I'm the hall monitor now at our house. I live by the phrase Trust but Verify.

2yrsinthedark posted 12/21/2008 17:00 PM

I have a question for all me fellow EAers. I know what the answer is, but I want your thoughts. If your read my profile, you will see that my WH has always had female friends he would talk to, all the time and in front of me. Well when I found out about the EA w/ one of them, he pretty much stopped all communication w/ most of them. He still keeps in touch w/ an old high school friend. (not girlfriend). Its not as often as it was pre dday, but they do text back and forth and maybe once or twice a month, (from the cell phone bill) I know they talk for about 40min. I dont like her. She has been married a few times, is now divorced,and Im sure she shares personal stuff w/him. Which of course can turn into another EA. Im not sure how to approach this, since I have let it go on. What should I do?

reluctant posted 12/22/2008 07:09 AM

but they do text back and forth and maybe once or twice a month, (from the cell phone bill) I know they talk for about 40min

First thought, if you only know of the texts and calls from the cell bill, and he is not the one telling you about them, then he thinks he is hiding it from you. Any time he doesn't tell you about the text/call, he is ommitting the truth.

She has been married a few times, is now divorced

Not knowing why she is divorced, it still seems she has a different view of marriage as you. Looks like she thinks it's ok to switch partners now and then. Not good for your H.

Affairs, even EAs, forever change the nature of relationships WSs are allowed to have.

My FWH has an old school friend. They haven't talked for a decade but he remembers her fondly and if she called he would jump right into friendship with her again. I've know her for all the time I've known him and she is nice to me. She dated and was married to one of his friends and I always thought she was "safe" for him and us. Here is the kicker - I found out 2 months ago that he had sex with her 2 times. He never told me before. Old friends who are not old girlfriends could still have been sex-buddies. I won't accept her back into our lives ever again because they have crossed the sex line before and could do it easily again.

Lalagirl posted 12/22/2008 07:58 AM

I'm so wishing that they do send a middle of the night text to FWH. He is at home right now and sleeps in a different room from his phone charger. Since dday I've developed a habit of listening for the tell-tale ding and I hope to get to the text first. DELETE!

Wow...I used to do the exact same thing. I cannot count how many texts I deleted and then she'd get all pissed off at him because he wasn't answering her. My DD (she was still living at home) would delete them too!

Something my counselor told me (and I'm sorry you do not have the means for it) was that it could happen again. So he needed to establish boundaries to ensure it did not. So now he has no female friends. It just cannot happen. Besides, we have enough going on in our lives and he doesn't have time for that. We have "couple" friends.
Any single friends are mutual friends (they come over or we go over as a couple - no one-on-one socializing).

You say the "terrible PA thing" - yes it is terrible, but I think (and this is JMHO) that the EAs were more devastating to me because of all of the emotional energy and love that he gave to someone else. I felt so abandoned and screwed over. So never discount your feelings because it was "just an EA" - you have every right to feel as you do and you're doing the right thing. Trust but verify.


reluctant posted 12/29/2008 14:07 PM

Shock, Shock, Shock! Neither OW contacted him for Christmas.

I hate to be mean, but here I go. The older OW is/was injured and sick the last time he heard from them. It's a long term injury/incurable illness and I'm thinking she is too wrapped up in her own pain to tramp around. Whatever keeps her home is fine with me.

The younger OW must have been scared away when he told her NC last time. I continue to insist this is proof of her guilt. A regular friend would question NC and wonder why. This little b**** ran with her tail between her legs because she knew she was in my territory.

Doing the happy dance.

Still vigilant in case New Year's brings them out. Then I'm home free!

Lalagirl posted 12/29/2008 15:42 PM

WOW! Dance away darlin! Guess they finally get it!!

Get THIS - OW texted MY CELL PHONE on Christmas..."Merry Christmas to All..." (no, she didn't say, "and to all a good night)

Okaaaaaaaay. I didn't know she even had my number anymore. She didn't text FWH (cause when I saw my phone, I checked his right away - he was still in bed -no calls/texts or messages).

I deleted it. Does she think I'm impressed that she only contacted me?

That OW is definitely a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, KWIM?

reluctant posted 12/30/2008 07:10 AM

That OW is definitely a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, KWIM?

Are you saying her hampster wheel is spinning but there is no hampster at home?

Maybe it's her way of trying to be "friends" with both of you to get info on your M.

Lalagirl posted 12/30/2008 08:29 AM

I'm sure it is. Fishing. I'm not biting. Her worms are toxic.

FWH and I ran into her a couple of months ago - and it was kinda cool because first off, it didn't bother me...she was drunk, haggard looking and just as pathetic as always. Second, I relished in telling her that FWH and I are expecting our first grandbaby. Then he and I said bye-bye and got up to dance. She left. Boo hoo.

It's MY turn now!! My turn to feel confident, happy and loved. I like it!

what future? posted 12/30/2008 14:22 PM

EA's hurt the heart so deeply. I found out on 12/1 about my H's EA, after lot's of tears from us both he swore it was over. Of course I was very diligint in checking, installed software on the computer, that is where they met. Found more evidence and confronted on 12/23. Made him send an "it's over email" on xmas eve morning. Actually I wrote it but signed his name. He swears he never used his cell phone, I still don't beleive that one, that he only used a pay phone. After last week I told him he has 2 choices, me or her. He states he is choosing me, am having a hard time letting him out of the house. He went to visit his dad a little while ago and boy did it set off triggers!! I was a wreck the whole time( almost 2 hours) that he was gone. I want to R and so he says also. My imagination of what was said is driving me crazy. He is not ready/won't tell me/ says he does not remember. I say BS, he does remember and not telling me is worse than the truth. I thought he was my best friend. We have been married over 15 years. Thanks to all for listening.

Lalagirl posted 12/30/2008 15:40 PM


Honey, I'm so sorry. God, this just happened to you and during the holidays no less (been there). I know how much it hurts. If (and only if) your WH is willing to do everything that you need him to do to help you heal, with time...it will get better.

He's still clearly in the fog. Very much so. If you're interested, read my profile - it was a long, arduous journey but we made it.

And please, please always remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! So many times they will say, "you weren't there for me," "you haven't been affectionate," etc....and although there may be truth in how they felt, it does not justify an A of ANY kind.

Lots of hugs to you - please let us know how you're doing and feel free to PM me if you want.



Lalagirl posted 12/30/2008 15:41 PM

whatfuture, I just read your profile - I got the "just get over it" too - because no sex = no A. BULL. Your FWH needs to come to grips with that too.

OK...I'm done.


reluctant posted 12/31/2008 07:40 AM

EAs do hurt. They hurt a lot. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

My H thought that once he said he wouldn't talk to them anymore I should get over it and be find also. He questioned whether I was dedicated to him?!

Your H has taken something very special, emotional intimacy and emotional energy (of which non of our husbands seem to have much to spare), and spent it outside of your marriage. He can't see that right now. You are not crazy.

Have you gotten ahold of all the phone records? Most cell companies have them for up to a year. Make sure you can verify on paper what he is saying.

I know how you were feeling when he left the house. I could barely let mine out of the same room as me. I was checking his on-line cell phone account every hour during the day to see who he was talking to.

You are in a terrible painful crazy time. Come talk some more. It helps.

what future? posted 12/31/2008 14:36 PM

(( reluctant ))
Thanks for the support. I talked to cell phone co right away and also checked acct on line, there are numerous calls to "no caller id" placed FROM my H's phone, the most they can tell me is it is one of 2 things, either a called made with a calling card or a call made to 1 number that was transferred to another number. They state the only way they can get the actual call info is with a police report alleging something illegal was going on. I want to know what those calls are, H swears they are not calls to her even after I told him the police are investigating. But he also told me that after I first found out on 12/1 that it was over and he continued to call her (from pay phone he says) and emailed her twice. So...
Am I nuts to want to fight so hard? He has always been such a stand up kinda guy, he saw the world as black and white, always had a very strong sense of right and wrong. I feel there has been no contact since 12/23, not that I can find anyway. He has not been out of my sight except for yesterday since 12/23. I want him to recommit to me tomorrow, I must be out of my mind. I can't forgive yet, and I don't know when I will begin to trust again.

iamtrying posted 1/14/2009 21:46 PM

I learned in Nov that my husband's EA lasted over four years instead of the year and half as I previously thought. I often wonder if he misses talking to her. They talked mostly on their cell phones. I have been checking his cell phone records each month since D-Day and there are no more phone calls, but she has his work number. He said he would never talk to her again but I'm not naive like I was before.

reluctant posted 1/15/2009 05:45 AM

it's hard to find out the length of time a WS gives to the OP. So sorry. You didn't say how recently you found out. Was it just now?

I'll never again be supportive of the secrecy cell phone technology has given to married people. I told FWH that I had a bad feeling years ago when we went to separate phone #s and e-mail addresses. Just felt weird then. Now I know the damage it can do.

Are you at peace about him not talking to her anymore or do you suspect he has gone underground? How is R going?

2yrsinthedark posted 2/7/2009 13:06 PM

I posted this on reconciliation, and now here, because I need advice. I guess I know what I need to do, but just need some encouragement I guess.
Here goes...

I read an email he sent to one of his "girl" friends. At first he seemed to be just catching up w/ her. He had stopped talking or emailing her since dday. (this isnt OW, but one of his many "friends.") Anyway, they exchanged a few emails and now he is telling her to call him and for her number. Is he getting to comfortable again? Does he think he can go back to the way it was? He isnt hiding it from me. He knows I can get into his email, but yet he hasnt discussed it w/ me either. What the hell do I do? Im sorry, just upset.

Lalagirl posted 2/7/2009 13:24 PM


Oh boy. I know the feeling...here we go again.

He's losing grip of the boundaries that were set. They need to be re-estblished. NOW. It's time to sit down with him and tell him what you saw and that you are not comfortable with it. There is no room for another woman in your M. It is fragile - and you are still in the healing process.

And this is NOT a 2x4...just a wake up call - if he's not telling you he's contacting other women for whatever reason - he's hiding. He's just in a comfort zone now where he thinks you trust him and you're not checking up on him. And I'm not saying he's in another A - I'm saying that he's standing atop the slippery slope and one gust of wind could send him right down it again. That's why it's so important to deal with this honestly and frankly and NOW.

I know how you feel - I had to go through it with FWH a few times before he finally got the message because he saw no harm in being friends with these women. I did and for damned good reason. I was not about to go through this hell again and I let him know.

Please keep us posted (or PM me if you want to) - and keep your head up. Nip this in the bud. Don't let it slip because you think he's going to think you are being overly jealous. You've been there done that. You know better.

Big hugs,

doxiemom posted 2/7/2009 22:49 PM

My STBXWH and I are now seperated, he had an online/text/phone/im affair. I was totally blindsided by this as I *thought* we had a ok marraige, sure there were things we could both work on but I would have bet money he would NEVER do that to me and esp because he was an official in his church and was the lay preacher as well.
Well due to HIS actions it has made me really look at our marraige and really listen to family and friends who all say mostly the same thing and that is he has been verbally and mentally abusing me for years, but I got so used to it I didnt hear him any more when he did it.
So I am now working on taking control back of my life. I know none of this is going to be easy but I dont have much of a choice. He had the affair, he walked out he said that there is nothing to work on and that we have nothing to try to keep.
I feel diffrently, but I can only work on changing me and what I do have control over. Part of the problem is I am disabled and have not been able to work for 4 years and supporting myself with SSD and what I get from him for support will be impossible. So I am looking for a PT jb I can do as well as somewhere that will let me rent with my 3 dogs. He is of course making lots of promises, but untill it happens I wont believe him.

My question is when you have a spouse who had a EA and was on the computer as much as he was how do you ever not let the computer become a trigger for you in other relationships?
I have NO plans to look for someone else as I still love him even tho I dont like him or respect him, but I am also sure that with his lies about it as well as breaking our marraige vows I can not trust him ever again and I am pretty sure he will be wanting it all finalized ASAP. I am trying to get the seperation agreement done ASAP as that benefits me but then he gets to run the ball regarding the divorce.
I am just thinking that I will never be able to fully trust a man who spends LOTS of time on a computer/xbox instead of time with me.
Needless to say at 33 this isnt how I expected life to be, and I am grieving for my marraige, the thought of not having a child, of losing my home, and the future I thought we would have.
And sadly with all the stess of this it has made my health 10x worse and he could care less, his only concern is what are the bills and how are the dogs. I am just so mad that he gave up on me, and that is one of the many reasons I am working to get control back as I know I should not allow his words and thoughts to dictce what I think and do, and I need to become the strong independant woman I was 10 years ago, but dang it is hard.
Thanks for listending and if any one can help with my ? I am most thankful.

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