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Emotional Affairs

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deb3129 posted 1/14/2011 10:35 AM

My husband had an EA with a coworker. I know it was EA only, because the emails I read before he knew I was suspicious said it was something they would do in the future. But the same emails also talked about him leaving me for her, which hurts way more than if he had actually had sex with her. The hardest thing about all of this is that I don't really have any close friends, and no one I can really confide it. I feel so alone.

phoenix_vs posted 1/14/2011 12:32 PM

You're not alone. We're not alone.
My WBF has an old girlfriend that he can't seem to leave alone, and she uses him for a guidance counselor when she has a life crisis. They supposedly broke up at least ten years ago, but if she calls him, he falls all over himself sneaking off behind my back to call her again and again. It was so bad this summer, there were over 1200 minutes of conversation between them. Since the cell bill is in my name I discovered it after the fact. As you say, I did not know something could be this painful and not kill you. I did drop 20 pounds in about two weeks, though. This is the third time in eight years of being together that she has busted into our lives. I'm not letting it go this time. Unfortunately, complicating things is he's an alcoholic, and has also started buying pain relievers off the street, so he's IMO an alcoholic/addict. Suffice it to say, he doesn't think very clearly.
I've been posting and reading here for about six months and I have benefited so much from the collective wisdom here, that I am much stronger and wiser. I am working the 180, attending AlAnon, and getting rid of some of my own anger issues that have kept me from fully respecting myself.
Finally, he has obtained a high paying job, which he is very good at, even with the addictions, and I do not have but a small part time job, so I have not been paying any of the household bills, except my own bills. This was his idea at first, but now, he tells me he has so many bills after him that he is having a hard time. So his attitude has changed, but since he does not have any credibility with me for telling the truth, and I have not seen any specifics, I have not given him any additional money. I will not sacrifice my own well-being to finance his drug and alcohol habit. I am taking care of myself, and I am building up an emergency fund should it become necessary to leave and go on my own completely.
I began this post to let you know you have been heard, and you are not alone, and it turned into a rant from me. So getting back to the beginning, please know there are people here who care. Continue to reach out by posting and reading and you will find the comfort and support you need.

heart_in_a_blend posted 1/14/2011 12:48 PM

My (FWH) would never say that his EA was anything at all. I got the "just friends" comment too.

I don't believe him and I never will. I never heard their conversations, or text messaging. I only caught him through cell phone numbers. They talk daily and went to lunch and a dinner that he claims lasted 5 hours.

EA are just "gateways" to PA. Once they have slipped to an date, secret phone calls it would be easy to cross one more line.

The fact they share details about me and our married life will always haunt me. The lies and the betrayal the cruelty is the worst of it.

I have paid all my husband consequences and he has rewarded himself with a sports car. The is no justice in EA/PA or all of the above on this thread.

My husband is a good financial provider and that is where it stops.

Blindsided37 posted 1/14/2011 14:16 PM

I don't believe him and I never will. I never heard their conversations, or text messaging. I only caught him through cell phone numbers. They talk daily and went to lunch and a dinner that he claims lasted 5 hours.

Heart_in-a_blend: This statement triggered me big time! My WH and OW talked daily, went to lunch often, and met for dinners at out of the way places. One dinner was at a bed & breakfast that he still claims took 4 hrs and 45 min!

I will never believe that.

Matchstick Man posted 1/18/2011 03:43 AM

Well, mark down my name on the members list.

Found out my wife had 2 EA. OM#1 was a ex coworker who lived about 40 mins away. It had been years since they worked together that they started a online relationship(cyber sex). This went on for about a year 08-09. The things I read, I will never be able to rinse clean of my memory. She talked about meeting up so many times, making plans when she had her girls night were he lived... It makes it so much harder to believe that it was just a EA...

EA#2 took place from 09-10. OM#2 was a mutual, married friend, guess more her friend, who lived right here in town. I always had my suspicions, but when I did bring it up, I got the "just friends" bit... I see now, I was just blind. I got lucky in finding out about this EA, as I was looking at her Ymessenger for chat with OM#1, and there it was, one message lasting not even 5 mins. She told me OM#2, even made a pass at her not long after they met, stroking her cheek, but says she turned him down, ending it there. But they continued to talk about sex and who knows what else. Again, so hard to believe nothing happened, when she tells me that she wanted to, and I read it in black and white, but never did.

I contacted both of the OM. OM#1 says...No surprise, nothing ever happened...blah blah blah...

OM#2 was a dick... Saying that he never did anything with my wife, but he knew for a fact she had cheated on me, more than once... Bad mistake on my part... oh and I told his wife what I had found out,as she was a friend of ours also.

I found all this out on November 24, 2010. She has only confessed to the things I discovered on my own. Except about OM#2 making a pass at her, she told me about that...

I still have the feeling that one, if not both, turned into a EA. She says no, but still waiting for that shoe...I am at a roadblock for finding info from the past. I know there is more on this damn computer somewhere...

Way2Trusting posted 1/18/2011 09:57 AM

Matchstick Man...get a hold of her cell phone bill with itemized calls and texts. That told me everything I wanted to know. My wifes co-worker was "just a friend" (God how do they say something so cliched with a straight face!!). I was able to track her location by the cell towers that transmitted her calls...I figured out that on a day she was suppose to be at work she was AT HIS HOUSE!!! She denied it to my face until she finally realized I had her cold. Then she swore there was no sex, he made her breakfast and a nice picnic lunch where they held hands and kissed () I have no way of ever knowing short of a polygraph if she's lying because I'm sure she knows I'd divorce her if she admitted to crossing that line. Remember...they will LIE until they're blue in the face to avoid owning up to what they did...and this is a cold hard fact I learned from someone I slept with and thought I knew inside and out for 20 years.

Matchstick Man posted 1/18/2011 14:42 PM

Way2Trusting, the thing about her cellphone is, it is... prepaid, you buy the minutes and add them to the phone. Only way I can perceive getting any info from her cellphone is a sim card reader...dont know how good they work.

Both men live far away now, I'm not really worried about what she will do with them, but what she has done with them...

I tried downloading IEF and Fchat, but seems it will not run on our PC. I tried every solution I could find online...still same error.

I don't think I will ever truly believe what she says...how can I? So, I just look at it as she did have a PA...I just dont have the proof. Like many have said EA or PA, it hurts all the same.

tequilashots58 posted 1/19/2011 01:31 AM

To start...there are some trust issues. My H had a PA with a women before he moved to be with me. I never knew until after he moved in with me and saw her name on his chat messages on line. He was still in contact with her. He lied about it, but she told me everything. We split up and went to counseling. Managed to get through it and for the most part things have been fine. Since then my H has had several EA's with women. The most recent was a long lunch that I had seen planned on text messages on his work phone. I asked what his plans were for lunch and got the response that he did not know since he was so busy and would grab a sandwich down the street. I even offered to get him something. I talked with him several times and gave him oportunities to tell me what he planned to do at lunch. So I followed them and waited as they had a 2 1/2 hour lunch. I called and texted him during that lunch and was put on ignore or texted that he was in a meeting and couldn't talk. I waited outside the restaurant until they came out. I was so hurt and angry that he lied about it all. I had the day off work and he was off work before lunch (which he neglected to share with me), yet chose to spend it with her and not me. The OW is a coworker and he claims it was just a lunch and all they talked about was work. She is 25 years younger and engaged. After I confronted him he claims he doesn't know why he lied and that she has no idea he lied. Other EA's have been emails, to women he knows, about what's going on in his life. They are never sexual, but he shares what's going on in his life without ever mentioning me whatsoever. He tells them "I did this and went through that" when I was right by his side, yet he never refers to his wife or mentions me by name. In the past when I asked about these emails he says I'm being paranoid and it's just conversation.
We are in counseling and he tells the doctor he doesn't know why he does this. I am pretty much done unless he can get some help. This is a pattern of bad behavior I'm not sure he can change. The doctor says with therapy he may be able to overcome this. I love him, but I'm not sure he can change this behavior. Has anyone else experienced this type of EA? No sexual talk, but sharing their lives as if they are alone. It still hurts when he shares with these women things that should be shared with me alone. And it hurts to see that he respects me so little and to be leading these women on as if he is single.

tequilashots58 posted 1/21/2011 00:37 AM

Unbelieveable! After telling myself and the MC that he would do anything to fix our marriage, he went out for drinks after a meeting with women from work...one being the OW he had his very long secret lunch with. He told me he was doing this after work and it was just work related....they all needed to talk about the meeting. More lies. I asked him not to go since he claimed he did not know why he told all the lies about his lunch with her. I said if he didn't know why then he should stay away from her. (I'm leaving out all the actual explitives) He went to have drinks anyway after I begged him not to. He did come home sooner than I thought he would, but probably because I texted him a big FU on his work phone. He really seems to have no conscience and an attitude like "Nobody tells me what to do when it comes to my work". Not sure this M can be saved as he doesn't seem to get it. So, we are not talking and I wait for the next session with the MC next week. Hurt and angry...again and again.

[This message edited by tequilashots58 at 12:42 AM, January 21st (Friday)]

lordmayhem posted 1/23/2011 01:29 AM

tequilashots58, what kind of work does he do that requires talking about it during non work hours?

He seems unrepentant. And yes, he is definately in the EA fog. You say you have access to his emails, are they work email or home email? Or is he able to access hiw work email from home? He may also have a secret prepaid cell that you don't know about where he can discuss more intimate details with someone.

pmr411 posted 1/23/2011 07:52 AM

Hi Deb 3129!
My husband also had an EA with a coworker. I found out last May 2010. The first few months were extremely difficult for me-all of the emotions and trust issues really took a toll on me. But, we are working hard on R. I love my husband and still have bad days, but I have hope that we will get through this. If you ever need to talk PM me and we can exchange phone numbers. I understand the need to have a friend to talk to, especially someone who has experienced infidelity. Hang in there!

tequilashots58 posted 1/24/2011 00:59 AM

lordmayhem...I'm pretty sure there is no pre-paid cell. I have access to his home email and have found emails to women. There has never been any intimate or sexual talk...but lots about his life and what he does with absolutely no mention of me. As if I don't exist. The only access I have to his work texts and email are on his work phone. Most times it is deleted, but he forgot one night and I checked his messages. Snooping...yes, but there was a reason his email and texts were allways deleted and I knew it. So, I found the messages about planning the lunch. It's in the open now and I now know what an accomplished lier he is. We go back to counceling this week and I will add to the list his going out for drink against my wishes. It'll be interesting to see what the councelor has to say to him. He is basically kissing my ass to get back in my good graces, but the wall is up...might take dynamite to get it down at this point.

Matchstick Man posted 1/24/2011 02:10 AM

Found out my WW was pretty much in love with OM.

How the fuck am I suppose to feel about this...

Guess Ill take this pill and drift away.

[This message edited by Matchstick Man at 2:11 AM, January 24th (Monday)]

tequilashots58 posted 1/24/2011 18:22 PM

Matchstick Man...I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It does hurt whether it's a EA or PA. Doesn't really matter...it hurts like hell. Are you in counseling? It may help if you want to save your marriage or just help you get through this. I know it's helping me understand my WS's reasons for his EA's. And remember...you didn't do anything wrong, she did. And yes, she's probably lying about the PA's never happening. Deep down I always knew my husband was lying to me about things...I could never prove it and without concrete proof he would take the truth to his grave. That's what he does...he lies. So, the counselor is helping him dig deep and discover why he does this. Inadequacies or something he feels is missing in his life even though he may not be aware of it. Tell her you want to go to counseling. If she says no then maybe you need to think about moving on. I may have to do the same. Hang in there.

Matchstick Man posted 1/24/2011 19:08 PM

She suggested MC when I first found out... She admits it is something wrong with her and that she needs IC... Is MC expensive, we are a modest household...

HurtButHopeful? posted 1/24/2011 21:48 PM


You are not alone. My H had an EA that lasted 2 weeks, and he fell so in "love" that he came home and asked me for a divorce. I got the phone records and found that they talked on the phone for hours. One night, I called him, and he told me he had to get off, because he was "tired." The phone records show that what really happened was that he got a message from her, got off the phone with me by saying he was tired, and then he talked to her for 3 hours on the phone!!!

(He lived 5 hours away from home at the time, because of work.)

Glad to say, he we are now reconciled, he has come completely clean, and he now says he was crazy. I'LL SAY HE WAS CRAZY!!!!!!! He almost broke up his family for a woman who had done the same thing two years earlier, also with a married man, while she was married!

He thought he was "helping her" with her marital problems at first.....but he quickly became part of the problem, and he created marital problems of his own for a while.

Hang in there, if your H is out of the fog, there is hope. Write here as often as you need to.

Hugs for you ((((((deb3129)))))

tequilashots58 posted 1/24/2011 23:35 PM

Matchstick Man
Some MC's will let you make payments. Do you have a University close by? I know that sometimes they have programs where you can get counseling from a graduate student. They sometimes can be just as good a a MC that has been in practice for years. If not, get some good books recommended here in the Healing Library to help you out. My H and I are reading The Seven Essential Elements of a Good Marriage by John Gottman. Between that and MC, who knows how things will develop. Hope it helps.

Cally60 posted 1/24/2011 23:37 PM

the emotional attachment, time spent, secrets, discussing me and our relationship...on and on are horribly difficult to try to overcome and deal with.

Oh how true this is! I am still in shock that my hitherto full-of-integrity husband could have behaved in such a totally uncharacteristic way. Had I not read his horrible conversations with OW with my own eyes, I don't think I would have believed him even capable of it. Even now, I feel like crying when I think of certain comments, which will, of course, be branded onto my memory forever.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 11:39 PM, January 24th (Monday)]

Asian Beauty posted 1/25/2011 20:49 PM

Dear Tequilashots,

I am definitely a member of this club.

Your comments about how he created a world where he was SINGLE... never mentioning you, his wife, never mentioning the fact that he was married... really resonates with me.

I read some of my husbands comments to other women and though they were not sexual, they were openingly flirty.
He never once mentioned that he was married... had a life as a married man. I feel like I was obliterated, just erased out.
He did this... he did that... but I was there! He didn't do any of this on his own. But of course, no mention of our life together...

This hurt me more than anything else; so much that I had trouble breathing at first. Of course, when I told him this, he had NO idea what I was talking about.

But I am so glad that someone understands...

tequilashots58 posted 1/26/2011 22:52 PM

Asian Beauty..
I understand how you feel. Our situation is a bit different than most in here, but the pain and hurt is the same. All the sharing about their lives like we don't exist.
My H and I are seeing a MC and it is helping him understand how he has made me feel. If you can find it, there's a great story posted in Wayward Side. Look for the Topic: "This helped me finally get it-The Tree". I read it and it made me cry. It is about a woman who's H had a PA, but much of it relates to the hurt and pain he caused her. I printed it and gave it to my H and told him to read it. He did. he came to me and told me how reading it really made him realize how much he hurt me. He brought it to our counseling session and shared it with the MC. He finally admitted to the EA's in the session. I was floored. He has had several EA's over the years and always got defensive when I asked him about them. He never admitted to doing anything wrong...it was just conversation. Find the post...it may help. if you cannot find it, let me know and I'll send you a copy. Thanks

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