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Emotional Affairs

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reallylost posted 4/15/2008 12:07 PM

I have been so blown away by the magnitude of the pain I have felt from this experience...I in some ways feel like I just woke up from a dream...my life was just coasting by until 12/26/07..forever my life will be...my life before and my life afterwards....I often felt before this that my H was better than me, I totally trusted him with my everything!! Where do you go after that? I blamed myself at first..what was wrong with me, sure I'm not perfect...that is no excuse!!Have you heard about the book, "Not Just Friends", I recommend it highly, for you and for your spouse. This is a process, somedays I didn't think I would survive it. But, I did and you will too..get support...read here, so many have experienced the same thing..and if you need meds, take them..I am still considering it. Stay Strong!!

capri posted 4/15/2008 13:36 PM

Maybe your home computer has the information you need to access his work e-mail

No. He changed the password, doesn't log on, EVER from home for fear of me getting the pw, and tells me that their e-mail system isn't even accessible outside of his work computer. According to my computer expert acquaintance, that might actually be true (what? truth coming out of his mouth?) but even if it isn't, it's no longer worth the effort to me. I know that he and she discussed his fear of me seeing anything and how he'd just instantly delete anything to or from her. It would be a fool's game trying to find anything, even if they e-mail every day. I'd have to spend 24/7 on the computer, and frankly, if he wants to convince me he's now an honest man, HE needs to start doing the work.

Lucky posted 4/17/2008 15:54 PM

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... for 18 long months after d-day.

She finally stormed out
and can NEVER be re-hired... yippeeeeee

I wrote an article in the Healing Library in BS FAQ'S about working w/ OP.


Lucky posted 4/17/2008 15:56 PM

Although kissing is intimate I don't consider that to be a PA.

Mainly because I think it disrespects the members here who's WS had a sexual affair.

tormentedsoul posted 4/18/2008 00:17 AM

I think kissing does make an PA, actually, I guess it depends on the kiss... a romantic kiss or a peck, like kissing the bride at a wedding... the friendly peck (ie kissing on the cheeks like in France) would be ok... but a romantic emotional kiss does constitute a PA. I also think a PA is easier to deal with on some levels... at least the WS knows they've crossed a clear line... An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long

trustagain posted 4/18/2008 09:02 AM

tormentedsoul - I couldn't agree with you more. My WH so far has only admitted to a kiss. Since then, I can't even kiss him. That is intimate enough.

I know with my first H - I found out early in our relationship that he got a BJ from a lap dance when he and a bunch of guys went to a bachelor party. All the guys did. I stayed with him, and even forgave him. One time thing. Then 18 years later he had a "real" A and we divorced. I couldn't and wouldn't forgive that.

But with my current H it was flirting through emails - 100's of texts, a secret cell phone, etc. I am trying to R, but I honestly don't know if I can. I feel like I am doing all the work, all the worrying.

I think part of me not leaving as I did with my first H is that I sold my home, moved my sons to a new area and I really would hate to uproot them again. I want it to work - I do love him - we have only been married 1 year.

I just truly feel that he is still in contact with her and just further underground.

Lucky posted 4/18/2008 16:11 PM

I understand what your saying about the kissing.

For *me* I don't consider it that because Mr Lucky never initiated it, she literally climbed in his lap and started attacking his face.

As far as a kiss, it was pretty freaking lame. Her attacking and him pulling away and turning his face away.

It doesn't hurt any-less though.

dayatatime posted 4/18/2008 16:47 PM

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

I can't figure out sometimes how anyone can get SOOO emotionally involved with someone without the physical component. How can you "luuuvvv" someone without as much as a kiss?

(I can verify that WH's A was EA only because I hacked into his email where he admitted to her how tempted he was to go to PA.)

WH and OW shared multiple ILYs, 100s of texts/emails/phone calls/time alone at work.

OW tried to take it to a physical level, but WH went into IC and blew the whistle on the A. He said he didn't want to lose his M. I appreciate this but it still hurts like hell sometimes.

He said he loved the adoration and the way she made him feel but did not love her. When the EA threatened to go to a PA he realized this.

Still there was SO MUCH fog - he was feeling so bad because of MLC, FOO, etc. the he needed her constant stroking.

I still don't get it sometimes.

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 4:48 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Lucky posted 4/18/2008 17:25 PM

Well she offered, he said no, he wouldn't cross THAT line.

Thank god, huh?

2yrsinthedark posted 4/19/2008 22:41 PM

No PA because she is 600 miles away. Im sure they would have if she had been in town.

capri posted 4/19/2008 22:49 PM

An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long

Exactly. And one of the reasons we're stuck. Either he's lying to me that none of them became pa, or they really didn't and he's really got himself convinced that years of secret female friends and lies isn't that serious because, hey, he didn't SLEEP with them.

tormentedsoul posted 4/21/2008 09:18 AM

to this day, I don't think my ww thinks she really did anything wrong, but she understands my feelings at least she has had no known contact in 6+ months

capri posted 4/21/2008 09:36 AM


How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

I suppose I could look at it as grateful that he has (supposedly) ended contact despite not understanding. But the way I see it is, he had his intimate conversations with her about our marriage and other things. He still doesn't have any conversations with me deeper than kids, work, and weather. He has said he's not afraid of her looking down on him, and that's why he could talk with her about his feelings.

Well, I'm flattered, but it doesn't solve anything.

Sooner or later, he's going to want to have some emotional connection with another human being again, and since he refuses to have it with me, I have no doubt whatsoever this is going to happen again.

I also feel his refusal to see a problem with lies, secrets, and discussing my faults and deepest secrets with another woman is disingenuous, a refusal to take responsibility. His attitude is, I'm not contacting her anymore, so why can't we just disagree (about how serious it was)?

2yrsinthedark posted 4/21/2008 21:42 PM

Hi fellow EAs, I had a question for you. I hope Im not breaking any SI rules, Im sure I'll find out soon enough.
Anyway, I was wondering if maybe we can all make a date and meet up on Yahoo (any of the others) to chat sometime. Some support time, or vent time or whatever. Let me know what you think.

capri posted 4/21/2008 21:59 PM

I'd be all for it.

wasfooled2 posted 4/21/2008 23:32 PM

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

My H's didn't because I caught him while we was planning his trip to turn it into a PA. The trip never happened.

tormentedsoul posted 4/22/2008 09:11 AM


How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see

capri posted 4/22/2008 09:24 AM

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see

Exactly what's going on here. And if I do ask questions, he yells and gets angry. When I point out that I don't yell and shout if he asks questions about my friends who really are just friends, I don't feel any anger. He has a way of blaming me for that, too, saying he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

Actually, there are two problems with his answer. One is that he's gotten angry from the very start. The first time I saw the secret e-mail account, I genuinely felt NOTHING except surprise. He got angry at me! The second is that I actually have given him plenty of time 'off' from being asked.

tormentedsoul posted 4/22/2008 21:26 PM


he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

He probably just doesn't understand why you don't trust him anymore. He can't see that when he lied, he lost all credibility and only by talking and answer questions can he even start to build that up again.

For me, like I said, it's the white elephant in the room. We don't talk about and I don't bring it up. I do check cell records and e-mail every chance I get.. nothing on those fronts so I've started to worry less. Hopefully, one day, trust will be fully regained

capri posted 4/22/2008 21:35 PM

No, he doesn't seem to really grasp how badly he's destroyed his credibility. He explains to me that I can feel reassured it's over because he said so. It would be funny if it weren't so serious. There have been dozens of times when he's 'said so,' and it turned out to be a lie, even in front of two mc's.

And we mostly don't talk about it anymore, either. So for us, it's also an elephant under the rug.

Unfortunately, in my case, he's shown himself so adept at thinking up new ways to trick me, that I just can't let myself trust anymore. If I found a dozen secret e-mails of both his and hers and had access to everyone, and checked each ten times a day, I'd wonder if they each had a thirteenth that I hadn't yet found, that they were using. That's where his lies have left me. I really don't know if the damage can ever be undone.

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