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Emotional Affairs

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mitz66 posted 5/30/2016 07:57 AM

I also had the we are just friends crap and that I was crazy. We are in the process of separating. He does not want this, he thinks if he is in therapy and has appropriate boundaries that he can still see her and her kid. This weekend he finally admitted he had an ea with cow. He continues to say it was not a pa. I did question how that was even possible when he spent that much time with her. He said it was possible and swore on his kids lives it was not physical. It was something.

Regardless I know that I am not crazy, not an evil bitch and I am following through with the separation. I should have done this 9 years ago...actually I should have hit the road when I found the naked pictures of ow1 right after we got married. I do feel like an idiot for staying and feel I contributed to the continued behaviour. I am not responsible for his choices however.

Heartsick45 posted 6/7/2016 09:49 AM

Little bit of an update. My WH needed a week of R&R to finally make a decision as to our 49 1/2 yr marriage or the 35 year old addict/gold digger. He extended the trip to 10 days. He vowed in front of me and the couples therapist that he would have no contact w/her while he was gone, and would check in every 2 days as to where he was for my peace of mind. Turns out that he had sent her an airline ticket and she is spending a week tooling around FL with him. She posted a picture on social media of her getting ready to go out and it was obviously taken in a hotel. I called his cell, no answer. Then I called the hotel he was suppose to be in. He finally called me back after calling him 4 times. When I asked him if she was with him, he hesitated and then finally owned up to it. This is the man who told me he loved me and was willing to work on our marriage while he was on his way to the airport to pick her up. He never expected to get caught. Unbeknownst to him, She posted the picture knowing I would see it. Well, she is going to get what she wanted, and I actually feel sorry for him. I have an appointment tomorrow to start divorce proceedings. There is a line, that when crossed, you know you have had enough. My WH has known since the day that I married him, that adultry is something I will not tolerate. To this point, I knew that he was emotionally involved with her, but was sure it hadn't gone any further than that. The man that he is now is someone that I can no longer trust or respect, let alone love. He consistently has blamed me for his getting involved with her, and he had me buying into that. No more, I know that he made his own decision. I hope he is happy living with it. To quote Nancy Sinatra, "these boots are made for walk'n" and mine are finally going to walk out of an impossible situation and live my life to the fullest.
WH: 71
Me: 70
OW: 35

Indigoblues posted 6/9/2016 18:08 PM

My ex had an ea with her former guitar student. Ex lives in Ohio and AP lives in Australia. They texted and emailed constantly, and when I wasn't there had multiple times of phone and Skype sex----

so hurtful!

Indigoblues posted 6/9/2016 21:56 PM

Who here has experience with "cluster B" personality disorder with ex spouse? (NPD, bipolar, histrionic and borderline--- all rolled into one) Any insight or info would be awesome--- Thank you in advance!

Kpie1 posted 6/19/2016 22:44 PM

My situation is really different from anything I've seen on the internet. Let me explain. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We have 2 DD's. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. My husband has had multiple EA's since we began dating, but I was unaware that there was a name for his behavior. In 2011, while our youngest daughter was 8 months old, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was the lowest point of my life. The surgeon was convinced that my tumor was a high grade. I was prepared to die. My husband was emotionally non existent. He held my hand once. Once. While I cried and gave him instructions on what to do with my personal belongings after I was gone. Turned out that my tumor was actually a low grade and my prognosis was excellent. I thought this would be great news to my husband but he continued to remain totally distant. I was in the hospital for a week and he visited once. After my brain surgery, I decided to get in shape and take good care of myself. I lost 75 lbs in 9 months, bringing me to 125 lbs. I had an incredible body. I started modeling and acting. It was great. But my husband paid little attention to me. I found out in 2013 that he was having one on one lunch dates with his female coworkers and they were also shopping together and having drinks after work together. He insisted that it was all innocent. We went to counseling and he was told that his behavior was certainly infidelity. He didn't agree because it was not physical. We decided that we would work on building a stronger marriage but within a few weeks we were back to being roommates basically. It was during this time that a photographer I worked with took an intense interest in me and over the course of a year I had an EA and PA. We had sex once. I was horrified that I had done that and shortly after I cut contact with my AP. We haven't had contact since. This was in 2013. I went on a complete downward spiral in the following year. I fantasized about putting a gun in my mouth and ending my life. If it weren't for my children I would have done it. My father abandoned me when I was 13. I could never do that to my children. I went to counseling alone and recommitted to my marriage. I put my trust in my husband and treated him with respect and love. I was hospitalized twice in 2014 for seizures and depression. He didn't visit me once. It was awful. I recognized that his behavior was unloving but I had no evidence of anything else going on... until December 2015. My husband got a new phone and had kept it password protected since he got it, about 8 months or so. One night my daughter was watching a cartoon on YouTube on it and fell asleep. Husband was asleep in our room. I snooped in his texts and found sexually explicit texts regarding a female coworker between my husband and his buddy. His buddy was asking if the OW was into strap on play and that it's not technically sex since she wouldn't be actually touching her skin to his. I confronted my WH that night and all he could say was that his buddy had a crush on her and that was all. In the following couple months I got copies of his cell phone bills going back to 2014. He was texting with this girl literally all night long until they met at work the next day. Even when I was in the hospital!!! My husband has given me a lot of information about their communications but I still really feel like they must have had a PA. He swears it was not, because that would be"cheating" but he has told me that he had gone dancing and drinking with her and her friends, introduced her to his buddy, and that they both discussed their displeasure with their relationships... which is what he had always done with his "friends" from work. I just have no idea how to deal with all this. I'm both a WS and a BS. Anyone else?? I'm desperate to find someone else who can relate.

Kpie1 posted 6/19/2016 23:15 PM

I would also like to mention that since my discovery of his secret EA, he is transferring to a different location and says he's keeping any discussions with the OW coworker to strictly business. He will have no reason to be in contact with her after he transfers next month. We've been in MC for 3 months and our counselor is taking him to task. She is hard on me, as well, but I confessed my mistake vs him finding out. It should be noted that I didn't have to tell him but I did because I want our marriage to be free from secrets. Secrets keep us sick. My husband has been sharing so much emotion with me since d-day, our relationship is better already than it has been in years. I am having such a hard time trusting him this time around, though. I have always been two feet in to our marriage and he, always one foot in, one foot out. Yes, I've known this subconsciously. Now he's both feet in and I'm having trouble putting both feet in again. When our relationship is good, it's REALLY good and when it's bad, it's awful. Again just looking for someone in a similar situation.

Kpie1 posted 6/19/2016 23:42 PM

Ugh, sorry to post again but he's being pretty transparent, allowing me to have full access to his phone, , etc. We go through each text on his bill and verify them on his phone before they are allowed to be deleted. He also confessed to viewing pornography on and off in secrecy through out our marriage. Because of my sexual abuse history and that pornography was a part of my abuse, we spoke and agreed long ago with a counselor that porn is a no go for me unless we discuss and view it together. I am just wondering if there will be more to come out about his double life. How do we move forward?? He wants no details about my affair and isn't interested in "keeping tabs" on me but I feel like I'm obsessed with getting details from him. From what I can see, he's not been viewing porn and is not attending any functions outside of work. He tells me about any interactions between he and his AP during the day. However, coincidentally, the week after I discovered his affair, he suddenly was unable to send and receive work email on his phone. It hasn't been fixed yet, either, even though his IT department says it should be. He's now saying that he needs a new phone, either a Samsung or iPhone. It's out of character for him to be so specific since he is not tech savvy as far as I know. I wonder if the OW, who is younger, is encouraging him to get a new device with other features they can use to connect. He did agree that if he gets a new phone he will change his number to completely cut her off from contacting him in the future. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Cephastion posted 6/22/2016 01:04 AM

I'm not sure how this is gonna come out, but since you're asking... My wife cheated on me several times early in our marriage. It was all rather one-sided with her being the WW and all, but recently, she accused me of having an EA online and took her suspicions VERY seriously. I didn't even know what an "emotional affair" even was. I'd never heard the term before and the reality was that I was telling this lady to spend more time with her husband and win his heart more fully instead of spending her time with so many folks online (like myself).

After my wife hit the roof and flipped out, I started looking into this whole EA thing and have come to realize that my habits undoubtedly appeared to have some of the earmarks. The thing from my perspective was that my wife always kinda spurned me and took everything I said or did very negatively--even if I was just trying to plan a date or just spend time with her.

Consequently, I was in fact sharing a lot of my thoughts and feelings about things with this lady online. Not grievances against my wife and such. And certainly not any kind of advances or suggestive language concerning with respect to my new friend--she and I were both married people and I wasn't thinking those kinds of thoughts where she was concerned. But I did see my wife as very much a dead end/bridge-out kind of person with respect to sharing and opening up since she'd usually run the other way when I'd start talking or trying to woo her. She certainly made it hard to get close to her. For about 10 years or so she made it really hard.

What I didn't know is that I probably was setting myself and her up for a more serious habit of me investing my heart, and mind, and time where it doesn't belong. In that sense, I reckon that I did us both a disservice. But the truth of the matter is that once she thought for a moment that she might be losing me, she changed in ways I'd been practically BEGGING her to for years. I had no intentions whatsoever of manipulating her into a fear corner of any kind, but as it stands, that's the way the cookie crumbled, and it began a process of reconciliation and reconnection that we haven't experienced in 20 some-odd years or so.

I couldn't see it at all however, because I knew I was innocent of any "wrongdoing" and frankly, guys are wired up very differently from women. Most of the ladies on this site are all upset about the emotional involvements and such, and quite frankly, for me (and I think most men in here) it's the actual adultery and physical abandonment and betrayal that really put me and my world down the frikking garbage disposal and turned on the switch. How a woman can sell herself and her spouse out so cheaply and so cruelly just for the sake of a good feeling or two, I can barely fathom. I understand guys doing it more, because a lot of guys are just slaves to their stupid egos and baser motivations, but I always esteemed women to be more virtuous and feminine-sensible to be that cruel and base. Oh well. I guess I have a lot to learn about women.

But the bright side for us is that we're getting through it together instead of just separately, so hopefully, we'll both make it to the other side of this monstrous thing together, too.

tryingtomoveon1 posted 6/23/2016 14:10 PM

Im part of this group! I caught him after 2-3 months and he says it was only by messages. I haven't found any evidence of anything more. I'm still sick/nauseous of the messages I did find. He admitted to everything but it hasn't been one week since DD. He still works with her but she is leaving soon for another job. He has been transparent and open with any questions I have. It just sucks!!

cellphonegotcha posted 6/24/2016 19:03 PM

I found the phone bill...and it's been hell ever since!! I got the "just friends" excuse. I guess some would think my sitch is not so bad, but I feel it was headed that way. There were 60 texts total, and 12 phone calls in 3 weeks. (not everyday calls or texts, 107 minutes all in total) She lives 2 hours from here and is married. He saw her at a funeral fir the first time in 45 years. But the clincher was that he lied straight to my face that he grew up with her, but was only friends...finally admitted they dated and she was his F buddy back then (he was 17) But I think...seeing her...just brought back some memories, and curiosity got the best of him! He said he never saw her except at the funeral and her husband was there. This just SUCKS!!!!

AWrongedWife posted 6/25/2016 10:28 AM

My WH had an EA that lasted for over a year, and it turned physical about 2/3 of the way through. 500+ texts / month, hour long calls during his work, calls after I was in bed. She sent him cards signed, "Love, (AP)". He claimed she addressed everybody that way. She sent him texts, "Nips and nuzzles, (AP)" He claims he only received a kiss from her when they met in person the first time. Since WH shared a hotel room with AP and her boyfriend, I kinda doubt that. They all met up again two other times, local to where we live. And lied about where they went and what they were doing.

Memorial posted 6/27/2016 21:55 PM

The EA is killer. To echo many of you. It was that he was trusting this woman with secrets of our marriage. Speaking disrespectful of me all the time. Hundreds of texts. God only knows how many emails and meetings. I realize she was telling him everything he wanted to hear.
I remind myself daily its not reality. No responsibility. All new and exciting.
Eventually it became a PA. Not sure at what point. They are now living together. The EA is by far the most painful part.

Cephastion posted 6/29/2016 10:54 AM

If you're a guy, it's not even remotely as painful as the PA version. That's very much the way I feel and from what I know, this is true with [all] other men as well. I think that the reason that this is so different for women is because of the different value that they place on "sharing". I've discovered that my wife and I view intimacy quite differently. In her world growing up, it was no big deal for a girl to offer herself physically as part of "getting to know" someone else. But sharing her mind and her heart was somehow where the real "intimacy" occurs. !!!!!!! I can hardly explain what a shock this was to me! Last I checked, you can't get a disease or make a baby or consummate a marriage with a text or a phone call.
The way I was raised, however, was that a woman offering herself physically was saying "I trust you and love you" a lot more than mere words would ever convey, partly because of all the potential risks she takes by opening herself to such serious potential consequences. And also because women don't seem nearly as driven by such physical impulses as men are, and are thereby making a more conscious, intentional choice when they commit physically, rather than just trying to "let off some steam" or whatever. But understanding this different value system of hers has helped me to understand her better and to understand why she got so jealous when I'd open up to other people so readily. This was a mystery to me throughout our marriage until only very recently, because I'm just a put-my-cards-out-there sort of person--not really doing the secrecy thing.
But in MY world, when my wife made the choice to give her body over to another man to handle and play with, it was very much like kidnapping me and handing me over to the "doctors/torturers" to handle me as they like--powerless to stop them--because she and her body are very much a part of me much like any other part of me is.

animalscandy posted 6/29/2016 12:03 PM

So he is worried about his job but wasn't at all worried about his marriage?!?!?! he gets angry at you for talking about it or contacting the OW? He is not done honey! He is still talking to them and/or others. Speak your mind, say your piece and let them all know that they cannot and will not do this to you any longer. Job be damned!

Lionshare posted 6/29/2016 12:45 PM

If you're a guy, it's not even remotely as painful as the PA version. That's very much the way I feel and from what I know, this is true with [all] other men as well.

This may be true, but as a guy it bothers me to hear this take on EA's so often. Maybe that's because I don't have the PA to compare it to. But I can tell you that my WW's EA was absolutely devastating. There was little sense of relief that it wasn't PA.
For a significant time my wife was distant, cold, mean and unwilling to discuss our issues with intimacy. As I fought just to get some conversation and kind words from her, she was ignoring me. All the while, secretly pursuing the thoughts and approval of another man. The time and energy she put into the EA and keeping it secret are staggering.
I'm not saying a PA wouldn't have made it worse. Just that I never once felt like it wasn't that bad because they didn't have sex.
Let me just provide a 1-day sample of the kind of thing that was going on behind my back. 7am thru midnight, 15 phone calls for over 3 hours, 66 text messages. That was one day.

Nearly 2.5 years after D-day and this crap still affects me every day. We have come a long way in rebuilding our marriage. Still working on trust in the person I once trusted more than anyone else.

Cephastion posted 6/30/2016 08:44 AM

Oh I get that. I had the pleasure of a double feature there, you might say. My wife was as cold as ice. ..dry ice. It actually burns you when you try to touch it. She had me figured as a bad guy and a villain for trying to talk to her and for wanting her to talk and spend time and energy with me. Meanwhile, she poured her heart or to an old high school "friend" and poured her physical intimacy out to him too. She left me for him for 3 months and let me tell you it was real fun seeing him invited to her family's Thanksgiving dinner. I got to watch from my car stranded in the ice and snow just outside her Mom's place while they were all together like one big happy "family". I was alone with my Grandpa (he had Alzheimers/severe senility) and drove by there to pray for her and her Mom (without them knowing) and saw that scumbag was there with them. When I tried to leave, I got stuck in the ice and snow. Happy Thanksgiving!

Cephastion posted 6/30/2016 08:51 AM

And then, the story gets worse--before it got better, anyhow.

Fightsong16 posted 7/2/2016 11:46 AM

I feel like my story is a complicated one, but yet I'm sure it is not too unique. I often say that I feel,like a military Wife without the support. My h is often traveling for work outside of the country (to his home country) and it hasn't presented a problem until last year or even a year and a half ago.

I've never been the suspicious type, but I've always been very good about following my instincts and my gut. The short story is we had our last ds in July 2014 and after that I sensed a change. He was more distant, detached and superficially bonding with the rest of the family. He went away for work for a short period and when he returned he was even more distant. He'd get text messages all day and night, but said it was worked related due to a different time zone.

During this time my antennae we up, but not on full alert. He was home through Thanksiving and left right beforeChristmas because we were all going to be together in his home country. All was well and we enjoyed each others company.

Fast forward to May 2015, we all went to the home country for the summer and then I really saw everything. When we arrived he was more secretive of his space and protective of his things. I didn't feel like he wanted me anywhere near his computer, phone or alone in his room. Everything felt off! He'd stay up very late on his computer and his phone all the time. He was on WhatsApp or texting. It was July 3 when I saw a text from ow and it said Hiya Honey I'm in blah, blah... And his response was vague.,it began with babes. We talked about what I saw he said it was nothing an old Friend. Okay? She talks that way to everyone. I wasn't concerned about what she wrote it was his response. babes!!!!!!
We talked about it then but wasn't enough. It set my wheels in motion so I began playing Detective since I knew I didn't get the whole story. What I uncovered were emails to someone but under another name. They were photos of my boys, songs and other things they were sending back and forth while I had been at home with the kids keeping everything a float. I began to really notice something was up. I kept paying Detective and didn't mention it again.

Fast forward oct 2015. My birthday! DD2 noticed the same behaviour taking place and call him out on hundreds of texts and calls on the phone bill all to one number and I totally lost it. I wish I had this site then.
It was to the same person as all,of the emails and I knew that he was caught.

I feel like we were able to uncover a lot in our conversations such as some unresolved issues from his past and why he thought he did nothing wrong. The idea that this friendship was as intense as it was and knew nothing about it was already wrong. He was already very emotionally involved.

He told me that it was nothing and he never thought this might hurt me. He shared a very tragic story that they had in common and I think he thought id let it go. I couldn't it didn't feel right. He said that he would stop emails texts or whatever if it was what I wanted. I knew that he had to want it not just me.

He continue communicating with ow for the next few months but very minimally. In April 2016 I told him I was still feeling uncomfortable and he said that he'd end it. This time I want to believe him. He has been more open with all telephone, text, email communication. I have passwords to everything and he has been communicating with me much more again. He appears to be more concerned with what is happening on this side of the Atlantic so much more. We will be exactly 1 year out tomorrow.

Cephastion posted 7/6/2016 01:22 AM

Fightsong, I think it's worth saying that the reason I was chatting online so much with my online friend is because she behaved so much like a friend. As I mentioned before, it never went anywhere beyond that, however, I did spend a lot of time chatting about my views on this or that and so did she. I didn't feel badly about the matter until I realized how (rather understandably) upset my wife was about the whole thing. I hadn't really looked at it through her eyes, and she had always trusted me implicitly.
In our case, she pretty much plugged herself very fully into my world and my heart. We had grown rather emotionally distant, and she had basically limited any kind of significant emotional or intellectual contact with me over the last few years. With so few friends to discuss things with and with my wife playing so hard-to-get emotionally, it was quite natural to just put someone else in my "news feed" loop.
I reckon that just stopping contact with my online friend would be a band-aid temporary fix for our marriage issues at best. What was really needed was for her to really act like my wife again instead of someone who shares the rent and does a lot of chores. Otherwise, I'd likely still feel a strong tug to share those mental/emotional aspects of myself with someone who'd reciprocate and more-or-less appreciate them (and consequently, me).

Fightsong16 posted 7/6/2016 14:20 PM

Cephastion I honestly understand your point of view and can completely relate. As I mentioned my H I sensed that we were not as connected and the conversations that we once had were not happening anymore. Then one day there was a gradual shift back to how things used to be. We could talk about anything again from politics to sports and it didn't matter because the friendship was still in tact. In terms of being and having that friend that is my h to a tee. She was someone else in the loop. Honestly I wasn't even upset with the friendship it was the amount of time and attention being dedicated to someone outside of our marriage.

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