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Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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sisoon posted 11/15/2019 16:16 PM

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sisoon posted 12/12/2019 12:17 PM

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Nolife posted 12/12/2019 20:16 PM

My husband will not follow boundaries even when the the therapist says thatís a boundary. Like no drinking because he gets mad and punches things.
This is supposed to be a boundary too no talking about his feeling anymore from back then.. He keeps beating me up verbally with things that he thinks that were done to him to specifically hurt him. Things he says that he says occurred when weíre separated. when I decided to leave over the infildelity he had two years earlier. I told him before I moved out. I run into some friends from my past they invited me out. I asked if he minded he said no. Well I really didnít have to ask because I was leaving him but I did. he did have a problem with me having friends I found out later.. When I moved out it got bad like him taking my spark plugs off my car. Following me around. He punished me for going places and when I left he looked at it as everything I did I was punishing or hurting him. If I went out with friends or went out of town with friends.i was aweful . He followed me told me he looked through windows to see what I was doing.
We finally got back together but he sleep with my social friend while we were separated and lied to me when I asked him before got back together. He lied for 38 years thatís 4 decade he took from me and my life. He imprisoned took my heart and soul I felt like I was the most unwanted women on earth. He also had an affair at the 32 Nd year all the while lying about the 38 th year affair. He still to this day goes crazy yelling in my face about how I had hurt him. For 38 years he denied wrong doing with his infidelity that I caught him in my home. I dealt with it for 2 years. Heís also mad because one day when I come out to collect house he wanted to have a talk but unfortunately I have friends waiting and we had everything set up for the timeline and I told her you would have to talk later he said thatís when he knew I didnít care about him anymore. So he uses all the things I said in this plus the fact that day I had a previous engagement with friends to be the reason he hd his affair. Oh one other thing his friend was there with him when I stopped by And Iím like whatís up to you. What are the friends begin to be a smarty britches is it oh weíre going to go out and see if we canít find woman to have some fun with tonight. Show me being who I am as I will donít think Iím doing without because I thought my husband should have stopped him in his tracks and he didnít so I was hurt. And a few weeks later I was dressed to go out I donít remember what I was doing but my husband being a smart ass because whoís the lucky guy and again my mouth opens up who says itís one. I felt he was picking at me but I felt If was doing something wrong he should have straight dead out asked me. Donít play games! So now he says because of those two comments that he thought I was sleeping with a bunch of men. How can you get him to deal with boundaries I feel he continue s to St the same thing over and over. Iím bs he Ws.

Olwen1 posted 12/18/2019 11:47 AM

So glad I found this - What is TT? And how does it impact with discussions on Boundaries?

I feel like everything is so fresh right now, when is it right to start the conversation. I think the initial shock has died down and WS is starting the road to R with me. Maybe now is the time

shellofme posted 12/18/2019 20:59 PM

Olwen1:
TT is trickle truth, which is a nice phrase for LYING. It's when the WS (or FWS) trickles out the info, so even if there is no more acting out IRL, the WS still isn't telling the BS the whole truth. TT messes with a BS' brain in a very detrimental way for a variety of reasons.

I'm going to bump a post in R for you, so you can find it more easily, and also put the link here.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&AP=1&HL=57133

It's for a 2 episode interview on a podcast that I wish existed when I was closer to DDay, and considering R. If you listen, please post there and let me know if you found it helpful. If you don't listen, at least consider checking out the outline on the podcast's website, where the therapist outlined the stages a BS goes through, and what a BS needs to heal from.

Olwen1 posted 12/19/2019 08:03 AM


TT is trickle truth, which is a nice phrase for LYING. It's when the WS (or FWS) trickles out the info, so even if there is no more acting out IRL, the WS still isn't telling the BS the whole truth. TT messes with a BS' brain in a very detrimental way for a variety of reasons

Shellofme: thank you for this! This makes a lot of sense and my WS is definitely doing this right now. It explains why I feel like I'm going crazy.

It's like I find one thing, then another, then he tells me a new bit... It's like being punched in the gut over and over

I'll listen to the podcast later today and let you and others know what I think.

sisoon posted 1/9/2020 11:46 AM

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