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Support for BS in Limbo

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JanaGreen posted 8/16/2012 08:49 AM

Can I join this ICR thread?

I've been here on SI since Aug. 2009, when my H confessed a stupid drunken ONS to me. Well, I immediately started posting in R, knew that was the right thing, etc. Things seemed ok for a while but went downhill again the more he started drinking more . . . I had no trust, always checking up, never finding a smoking gun, but just enough to get me upset, he reacted against my upset by locking his electronics down, etc. We've gone back and forth about getting divorced. He filed June 12. Now he says he wants to stop the divorce (said this almost two weeks ago - yet has STILL not contacted his lawyer to stop it), go to counseling,etc. Only caveat - I'm supposed to "let everything go" - including the original ONS, the emails I found that he CLAIMS were just to a friend, the fact that he started texting with his ex after he filed D, the fact that he kissed another woman at a bar and gave her his number/texted with her for a while (But Jana, we were getting divorced!) while all the while telling me that he still loved me/sleeping with me, etc.

It's a lot to get past and I feel like an idiot. But I also can't seem to stop fighting to keep us together, even though I know if I didn't have my daughter, I'd run like hell. I know "but he's a good dad" gets thrown around a LOT on here, but he is. A great dad. And we are a good team as parents, and I don't want to give that up if there's a chance we can make it work.

I'm SO scared. The lady who did our marriage counseling has been out of town for three weeks. She's coming back next week. I think she knows exactly what's going on with him/in his head and I'm praying that she can get through to him. I think he WANTS to be a good husband but he needs to fix his shit and right now he is SO super defensive. I just don't know what to do.

cssyma posted 8/23/2012 13:09 PM

icbtih8 - I could have written your post myself.

yes I have a remorseful WH who has tried to do almost everything possible to help me heal. But it wasn't enough for me. I had to determine first of all if I could R. Given my personality, my fears, my risk sensitivity, and my intuition (or lack thereof), and the fact that my WH's A were emotionless for the most part, I realized I *could not* R. What he was doing now was irrelevant to my decision.

I bounce back and forth as to whether or not to leave - but most of the time I feel like I can't go on. More than anything I want peace. My WH works very hard at repairing the marriage and trying to make me feel special - but it just isn't enough. I know in my heart that I really don't want R because that would mean accepting what he did. It wasn't just the strippers and the affair, but the secret email address, the secret credit card, the trip with her while I was visiting my parents, etc. He says he is a different person now, but I can't believe that it will never happen again because at your core you are who you are. The pain dulls at times, but when I do recall everything, I think, "How could I stay with someone who had so little respect for me?"

DD 07/10

justjul posted 8/24/2012 05:52 AM

It's been only 2.5 weeks since DDay for me, so I think "limbo" is a pretty accurate description.

WH has given me the ILYBINILWY speech, and has pretty much said I should leave him.

I'm cycling through pain, depression, doubt, etc (denial and shock, woo). I'm trying to 180 -- but other than presenting a front of dignity to WH (e.g. not letting him see me cry or anything like that), I'm pretty deep in the "want to stay in bed and just sleep" all the time. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

Trying to get into counseling for myself, but my counselor is also out of town for the next two weeks. Trying to just hang on.

(((hugs))) for anyone who needs it. I kind of need them, too.

JanaGreen posted 8/24/2012 07:46 AM

((justjul)) 2.5 weeks is so fresh. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Why do counselors go out of town at the worst times?!?! Don't they know they are too important to us to have personal lives?? Ours just got back after 3 weeks.

soveryweary posted 8/24/2012 08:03 AM

Thought we were in reconcilliation, but I realized today I have not moved on from Limbo.
Been 9 months since what I hope was final DD.
cssyma, I am totally where you are at.
How will I ever believe a work out of the mouth of a man who lied to me for 2.5 years.
Had 2 fake emails I know about to correspond with her, a fake FB acct.
Saw me go through hell and back over and over again for over 2 years.
Someone posted a topic: How can you expect to get the truth from a liar?
That hits the nail right on the head.

hurt314 posted 9/1/2012 11:05 AM

Hey, just wanted to say hi. I haven't posted much lately in General or R because I feel like I have nothing left to say - but reading this thread, this IS what I have to say.

I'm staying married because I'm scared to do anything else. Scared to hurt my kids more. Scared to be divorced. Scared to lose more time with my children. I'm trapped here, but I feel like I did it to myself so I should just suck it up and shut up.

I just get so lonely. I feel so alone all the time. I have no one to talk to. No one who can understand. I have friends that care but they just pity me. I think they understand why I won't leave but they can't do anything to help either.

I just feel like I'm so trapped by life until I get old and can run away.

Jrazz posted 9/1/2012 11:15 AM

Hugs to everyone in Limbo today.

I think it's one of the hardest spaces to be in, post DDay.

Just wanted to say that you are all heard, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of for not having all the answers. We just try to do the best we can with what we're given.

lastin12 posted 9/1/2012 17:07 PM

Hi! I've moved out 3 times since January.. the last time was 5 weeks ago because he got caught in the internet. I told WH who is a SA that I needed disclosure before I could even attempt R. After 5 weeks, I finally got it. Boy, it was way more than I ever expected. He said from what he can remember 10-15 ONS and sex a few times at sex parties. I wanted to vomited and still do. I haven't had much to eat the last few days. I feel so lost right now.nnI'm not sure that I'm in limbo anymore or not. I pretty sure I'm going to file. I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't hate him and actually feel bad for him. I'm starting to feel bad for wanting to leave and start a new life that I deserve.. He's lied to me since before we were married and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past that... He is trying so hard with recovery and IC, but I really just want him to let me go. I hate the hold he has on me...

CallMeRed posted 9/2/2012 05:17 AM

My first post in this thread, so hello.

I think I am starting a phase of long term limbo and will be because of my children.

I loved my husband and trusted him implicitly until DDay. I am one of those people who trusts someone until they are proved not to be worthy of it, and then rarely gets that trust back once it is lost.

I now look at my SA husband and I see someone I used to love and trust. I see my childrens' father. And I see someone I feel like is mostly a stranger to me, with ideas and thoughts I don't understand or like.

Part of me thinks R is the way forward. Yet part of me, the part that is making me get everything in order "just in case" is also the part which wonders what would be left between he and I when the children grow up and leave. And struggling to think of many good things.

I feel so very sad about how I am feeling right now.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 5:18 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)]

takingtime posted 9/2/2012 08:32 AM

I definitly belong here. My DDay was almost 4 months ago. I feel my WH and I have made progress and for a bit I truly thought we were in R but now I am not sure.

He was showing so many signs of remourse. Saying and doing the right things but I still feel he is hiding so much. He came to me 2 days ago and told me how unsure he is of us. That he has to get over his past before we can have us.

Well I am so tired and confused. half of me wants to throw in the towel and walk away. The other half wants to stay and dig in and keep fighting. I feel like I have fought so long and so hard to get where we are that I am not ready to give up.

UGHHHHHHHH!!! It is so hard to be stuck in limbo. How do you know what is the right decision???

I really do wish I could hate my WH. But i don't. It would make it so much easier if I could. I still love him heart and soul. (As crazy as that sounds) And I have seen the man that I fell in love with once again. I knew he was in there, somewhere.

I am reminded of the song by the clash.....Should I stay or should I go?

justjul posted 9/2/2012 13:05 PM


Why do counselors go out of town at the worst times?!?! Don't they know they are too important to us to have personal lives?? Ours just got back after 3 weeks.

Tell me about it!! My next appointment is this Thursday, and I'm crawling toward it as fast as I can.

I'm just sitting here, with tears sort of "leaking" out. Limbo sucks.

((((hugs))) to everyone here.

always-hope posted 9/2/2012 16:22 PM

I'm staying married because I'm scared to do anything else. Scared to hurt my kids more. Scared to be divorced. Scared to lose more time with my children. I'm trapped here, but I feel like I did it to myself so I should just suck it up and shut up.

I am afraid a lot now also. I regret taking him back now. I am stuck financially now, We just had an awful day, arguing, he called me a c***, yet again within earshot of the kids. (older, doesn't make it okay) Then he threatened to cancel mine & DS1 car insurance. I cannot afford it on my part time job. He just left to go to dinner by himself, we were supposed to go on a 'date'.

I could not get back in IC this week, hoping for next week. I want to go for a consultation with a L this week.

WH told me that if we D at this point it will be because I cannot get over my anger, not because of his A. Then when I expressed outrage at that comment he flipped it & said yes it would be because he cheated. I believe that he feels the first comment, he is still blaming me for the A & subsequent D.

I cannot live like this any longer.

justjul posted 9/2/2012 22:21 PM

(((always-hope))) i hate the fear also. It's like a destructive force that keeps eating me up inside ..I'm sorry you had to go through such an awful day. I hope you're able to go to C next week and L this week. Just going I think is still a step that can give you strength, I think.. (((hugs)))

always-hope posted 9/4/2012 13:55 PM

justjul, thank you. I don't know your story, wish you strength & peace also.

I just talked to an IC and she does not specialize in M/A issues. The IC in that office that does already had my WH as a patient, so she's out. Calling another shortly, hard to find one when my WH has been to about 6 already & theres a short list available here.

Just gotta keep calling til I find one.

Had a bad night last night, I broke stuff & yelled & cursed a lot in a rage. Feel guilty and mad that I feel guilty because if not for the A's (& if WH showed remorse & took responsibility) none of this would be happening.

I used to have a really long fuse, so easy going, hardly ever got angry. Now I am a powder keg with a very short fuse. I have to get that under control, I hate feeling like I am going to blow any minute.

This sucks.

sickrn posted 9/4/2012 15:28 PM

Limbo is worse than having a clear direction IMO. I can't go anywhere, one day it seems like there's hope, the next, like I'm an idiot for not filing for D right away. Both in IC, separated but he still isn't sure of "what will make him happy or what he needs for his future". What am I waiting for? I did promise to wait until October to make a decision (my BDay) so I feel obligated to do that but WHY did he come home if he didn't want to be married to me? It's so confusing, I'm sorry there are so many of us on this site and this thread...what a mess!

kchip posted 9/5/2012 08:45 AM

Yep. I said I would be 'patient'. She is in IC for now, where she needs to be but MC was cancelled because C said we weren't ready - ugh.
So each day is a test it seems. I don't want a divorce, but being separated makes it really hard imo. Not knowing if NC is being respected. I want to believe her but the rollercoaster takes over.


justjul posted 9/5/2012 13:03 PM

always-hope, oh, hon. I had a really tough time finding an IC, too. My country has very few resources, and it was very frustrating and kind of scary, too.

In fact, I'm still not sure I've found one. The one I managed to see turned out to be an MC (however, my WH is on the fence with C)... but she's willing to see me alone if my WH won't come with me. I think. Only had one session with her so far.

I hope you find an IC too, and more importantly, that s/he is a good fit.

I'm sorry about the anger--especially when it feels like it outs of your control or out of your normal personality. That really does suck. (((hug))) I sometimes hate saying this/hearing this... but hang in there.

also... My WH's OW is also a "friend/whore". UGH.

sickrn, kchip, I'm so sorry you're both here, too. ((hugs)) Limbo really DOES suck.

navymom1 posted 9/5/2012 14:10 PM

Hello guess I am joining the LIMBO group also...almost 8 months since dday, in MC, but WH is still lying,rugsweeping or totally ignoring everything! I have been depressed for days about upcoming 17yr wedding anniversary which the 8 month dday anniversary is the same day and he doesnt even acknowledge there is a problem! As far a remorse haha the only thing he is sorry for is he got caught! I was really hoping to R but as of now its day by day ! I hate feeling like this ! Question though ...What do I do about this anniversary I dread coming up on the 9th?

AFrayedKnot posted 9/5/2012 16:35 PM

Looking for support. Today was the first day I considered myself in limbo. So the story goes... DDay was last November and NC was supposedly established and a couple other rules were established and we jumped into repairing our relationship. From November until April there was TT. SA was finally admitted in April. TT continues still along with half truths, lies, and secrets including broken NC. There seems to be a lot of remorse, transparency, and support, but the honesty is severely lacking. Every time our R seems to be making progress there is another let down. I am tired!!!


[This message edited by Chicho at 4:40 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

justjul posted 9/5/2012 22:48 PM

navymom1, (((((hugs)))) I wish I knew what to suggest about the anniversary. But I wanted you to know you've been heard. (Maybe you could ask for ideas in General? Those not in Limbo might be able to help you in that situation. :) )

Chicho, I'm so sorry. Seems to me that without ANY honesty... all that 'remorse, transparency, and support' ... really isn't genuine or there at all.

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