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Support for BS in Limbo

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ontheslope posted 9/13/2013 17:07 PM

Strongerdaybyday that makes perfect sense.

I too am stuck in limbo, and have been for a while. I'm 4 years(ish) out from DDay, but I've never really processed any of my feelings about it, just hid them and pushed them aside and put on a brave face and went about my business trying to be the glue that holds the family together.

I just don't know how I feel about my W anymore. I never expected to be here, facing this, trying to deal with having to find love again for someone who broke my heart. I feel like I gave her everything I had... every ounce of me. And now I look at her and I just don't know. I go back and forth - maybe there is still a little something there, maybe there isn't. Maybe I want to leave, maybe I don't, maybe I'm too scared.

She doesn't like to talk about the A, but she will answer questions if I ask. But I get the impression that she thinks I'm dragging it out, beating her up with it. But lately it has been on my mind so much. I trigger at everything.

And part of my problem is that I've had a few friends, and even my sister, who have D'd, and they all seem so much happier now. They made it through the darkness and emerged into the light. I want a piece of that. I want to stop feeling empty inside.

Thing is, when I think about leaving. When I really think about moving on, part of me knows I would miss her, and that it would be so difficult. But a little part of me would love to have a chance to find happiness in the future, and I just don't know that her and I can be for real happy. Not with the way she is, with our (current and past) lack of connection, and not with me still unable to get the A out of my head.

Limbo. Good word. God.. I hate it.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/14/2013 08:45 AM

I guess I am in limbo but I guess I am separated as well.

I want R but my WH wants a D. He hasn't made any moves to do that so he leaves me with hope.

He is not seeing the OW for 2 months now. But he has not lived at home for 3 months. I am 2 weeks into 180 and I feel a lot better. But I miss my H and our life together. I wish he would take a good hard look at our life and choose to be a better man.

Until then or until he files--- guess I am in limbo. At least in my heart.

PositiveAttitude posted 9/14/2013 19:15 PM

Every time I thought we are headed toward R it turned into another DDay.

Now that the A is supposedly really over he's missing the OW - which I've read is a good sign, but it still sucks.

It appears he might also be moving on to grapple with his own guilt.

I never feel secure in the fact that we are headed toward a real R. But we are no where near a divorce. DH actually shredded the divorce papers.

I'm just tired, and I have to get myself out of limbo in my personal life. He can stay there if he wants, but I hate the hell it's causing me.

myperfectlife posted 9/15/2013 20:56 PM

Every time I thought we are headed toward R it turned into another DDay.

This is exactly how I feel. WS and I have been separated for almost 5 months. He has broken NC with OW 5 or 6 times and I tell him each time he does that I start this whole process over again.
I actually filed for divorce at the end of July, and although he swore he wouldn't have anything to do with her even after I filed, he slept with her twice after. After THAT, I gave him another chance and he broke NC within 3 weeks twice.
It's like, how much rope do I need to give him to hang himself.
Like others I have been told, it stops when I say it stops.
He swears I am the only one for him, that if we split he'd continue to look for me the rest of his life, that I am the love of his life and he's made the biggest mistake ever in looking outside the marriage or thinking he ever wanted divorced to begin with.
He does not seem to understand that the first step on the road to R is trust, and that he has not laid any ground work for that at all.
It's supposedly been 2 weeks since the last NC but I don't trust that to be the truth.
So, although we are S, and I have filed for D, and I still have slim hope for R...I still feel like I am in limbo.
And I know he does too.

PositiveAttitude posted 9/15/2013 21:01 PM

I'm so sorry your WH broke NC so often.

Mine didn't even go NC, just flat out lied to me about it - over and over and over again. Until I told him I wanted a divorce. Within 24 hours he had ended it with her. Even though HE was carrying around paperwork from the lawyers office!

It seems like any time it looks like I might move on without him - he's all over keeping me and staying. Ugh!

My WH finally went NC in late August 24 hours after I told him I was done, but didn't think it was "necessary to block her number from his phone" - so she's still been texting him. He says he hasn't responded. Not sure if I believe him or not, but serious - not necessary to block her number. Face:Palm!

myperfectlife posted 9/16/2013 04:27 AM

He says he hasn't responded. Not sure if I believe him or not, but serious - not necessary to block her number. Face:Palm!

I made the mistake of believing my WS too many times, then found out later he'd been lying.
NC means NC. Her number should be completely blocked.
I know that many WS don't "get it" when it comes to NC. How do you even take the first step if they are still in contact with them? I don't care if it is about the weather!
I wish mine could honestly just live in my mind for a day and understand exactly what this has done to my thought processes, my opinion of him and our marriage...the devastating effect this has had on our children.
I don't verify the things he says he's doing or not doing every day. I give him weeks before I check up on him. I refuse to have my life revolve around mistrusting him and trying to figure out if he's earned my trust.
He has to prove it to me, I don't have to seek it from him.
I refuse to live a life of always looking over my shoulder.
Which is why I won't recommit right now-because I don't trust him at all. Pathetic.

FeelingMN posted 9/20/2013 11:27 AM

I waver somewhere between limbo and R. My FWW is remorseful to the point that shame paralyzes her and our healing. We can't really talk about the A, I can't really share my triggers, pain, troubles because when I do her guilt reaction kicks in and it all becomes about her. She's not in IC, we're not in MC. Sounds more like limbo than R now that I type it up. I asked her to get IC to figure things out, that took a month or two and it was she was depressed and drunk. Deep. I guess all depressed drunk people cheat.

I don't wear my ring and told myself I wouldn't until I have the marriage that I want to have rather than the one that we currently have. Compare it pre-A/post-A and it would look the same.

I try to see a future where we D but I haven't figured the vision out yet. Money, kids, same problem that lots of people have already solved, so why can't I see that solution work?

I used to get angry. Now I'm just detaching. Killing a marriage by 1000 paper cuts.

ontheslope posted 9/25/2013 11:24 AM

I waver somewhere between limbo and R. My FWW is remorseful to the point that shame paralyzes her and our healing. We can't really talk about the A, I can't really share my triggers, pain, troubles because when I do her guilt reaction kicks in and it all becomes about her.

Wow... yeah, that sums it up pretty damn good. My WW is the same way. I need to talk about things, to get things out in the open, but she is so riddled with guilt and fear that when I do talk to her she recoils and shuts down and gets very depressed. Then my instinct to protect her kicks in and I feel like I'm beating her over the head with issues that should be resolved but that I know aren't, so I just hold it all in and we end up not talking about what really needs to be talked about. She's trying really hard, but she can be a very sensitive person and she really can't handle her guilt over what she did.

But there is a part of me that just wants to tell her that she either deals with it or I move on. I'm not going to hold her and hug her because she feels guilty for letting another guy bang her. I'm the one hurting. It's on her to be the one to comfort me - not the other way around.

StillStanding1 posted 10/14/2013 21:10 PM

I just noticed this thread for the first time.... Read a few pages and feel like every single one of you is singing my same song. I could respond to every single post, almost, and say "yeah, me too!" It's just crazy. Limbo is awful.

I did something last night that may not be SI-approved, but hope it will get some reaction from him (yes, I KNOW I am supposed to let go and just work on ME, but his waffling is just devastating me and my kids). I wrote him a letter, explaining that while he says he "is working on" himself, that I see no evidence and no forward progress. We have worked on the M, as advised by our MC, and that was great for a while. But MC pretty much ignored the elephant in the room and encouraged me to do the same. Ugh. So, no real healing has been done.

So, in my letter, I gave him a deadline for a "progress check". He has 6 weeks to read NJF and give me a written timeline. This takes us to the Sunday before Thanksgiving. If he is interested in R, he will do it and we can discuss new action items over the long weekend. If he chooses not to, we plan how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas separately and set up a visitation schedule for the kids. I just can't handle the limbo anymore. It's eating me alive. As I wrote, I'm not looking to resolve our issues in that timeframe, it's simply a gauge as to whether he is willing to "walk the walk" because the words aren't cutting it.

We had a great summer. I thought we were doing well. Then in September, he starts with some goofy stuff, like "I'm still emotionally attached to her", "I'm having trouble connecting physically to you" (this after months of HB! - really?)... And, yes, of course, I wonder if they've "reconnected" which is why the sudden wrench in our R. Why should I ever believe a word he says, right?

So, I am in serious limbo. Some days I feel strong and ready to let him go. Think I will be happier without him. Still need to address my co-dependent habits. Some days, I just can't imagine my life without him. This is all just hell.

But, for my own sake, I now have a goal marker that will let me know if my ship has sunk or just has hundreds of holes....

Wishing everyone here hugs, strength, and eventual peace. Oh, and a free pass off the limbo rollercoaster...

jupiter13 posted 10/16/2013 04:05 AM

Just a question. I may be in the wrong place so here goes. How do you cope, get over, let go and move on from the very idea that you married someone that said things that only made you love them more and now through their actions turned everything they said into a lie? Also how do you let go of the fact that now you will never have a faithful loving husband when that is the one thing you have always dreamed of having and he always promised he would be? What do you do about the dreams you had for the two of you when those dreams now become something that can never happen because of his choice? For me I am at a loss. I havve no dreams or wants any more they have all been crushed with nothing left to replace them with as there is nothing else I ever wanted ore.

StillStanding1 posted 10/16/2013 12:56 PM

Hey Jupiter, Since we're the only ones who've been on this thread this month, thought I'd at least respond and let you know I hear you and understand your feelings. I so completely feel the same.

All I've ever cared about was having a wonderful family. I'm not materialistic at all. My only hopes and dreams included togetherness. I have 3 awesome kids, who are smart, outgoing, and until now, well-adjusted. Now they are destroyed in some way and it just kills me. I can't wrap my head around continuing my life as a single divorced mother and splitting time with my kids. I just never thought this would be us. Never. I just can't believe he would do this to us. There are days I just don't recognize him anymore. Finally starting to accept that the man I love isn't coming back. Some other awful dude has taken over his body and mind and soul. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. I just don't.

I wish none of us were here.


Faithful w/Love posted 10/16/2013 13:33 PM

Don't be so hard on yourselves. There are alot of us here in limbo.

Dday was 2009 for me, A in my face for nearly 3.5 years and then we seperated Aug 2012 and have been in limbo. He wants me to come home and then he doesn't. Found out last month he broke NC and we are back to the same shit.
HOW hard is it to stay the hell away from a ho? And yes I mean ho.
Last Sat he askes me to come home again, I say I don't know. Then within a day back to he doesn't know if it will work.
I am tried and exhausted. I WILL NOT battle for my own husband anymore. I just am starting not to care. Yes, I want my marriage but I shouldn't have to fight for what is already mine.

I also look at it like this now, when a man wants his wife/woman he will move mountians to be with her. He has not shown jack shit like that. He has not been remorseful nothing!

I want to be loved, cherished, and respected. I want to be adored and taken out on dates, I want hugs and kisses, I want to be cuddled and to feel SAFE!

I don't get that much at all. So that is why I am just tried of talking to the wall about us and what marriage is.

StillStanding1 posted 10/16/2013 16:33 PM

OMG, Faithful. I don't know how on earth you've lasted this long. This limbo is making me absolutely insane already. I already am having feelings that I just don't care anymore. How can you possibly bear it for so long? I would be a total mess. I already don't know how long I can put up with his "waffling" and grieving over his AP. I am SO SICK of this shit.

I totally agree that we shouldn't have to fight for our H's. Seriously. Someone's tag line on here is "I'm not the winner. I'm the prize." I love that. Tell it to myself daily. Sometimes I think I'm competing to get him back to prove to myself that I'm better than her. Sick. Makes me angry with myself. Why have I accepted crumbs from a broken man? I should really just let them have each other. It's just so hard to let go. Let go of the future I envisioned. Let go of the happy times. Let go of enjoying our kids and their own families as they become adults. I can't believe he would piss it all away for her. Just makes me want to puke.

and yes, this:

I want to be loved, cherished, and respected. I want to be adored and taken out on dates, I want hugs and kisses, I want to be cuddled and to feel SAFE!

Apparently I am asking for WAY too much. How pathetic. I could kick myself most days...

Sending hugs...

Faithful w/Love posted 10/17/2013 08:39 AM

I ask myself the same thing all the time. How have I lasted this long.. I honestly can say "I don't know", By the grace of God.

My wh doesn't want the AP she is just a ho that flatters him now. He knows what she is and who I am. But, he can't pull his head out of the clouds to actually see what God blessed him with. Sometimes I think I am just weak and have to big of a heart to kick him to the curb.

I hope your wh gets over this crap. It is not her that he is actually morning, it is the feel good and fanscty of it all. And now reality has set back in and he is like "WTF".

There is a video I posted in another forum. Take a look.

Always remember this and watch when you feel down.

StillStanding1 posted 10/17/2013 09:34 AM

Thanks,Faithful, for that link. Just watched it and am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I'm really struggling right now. Just feeling so very, very low. It's like watching your life disintegrate before your eyes. My kids are hurting too and I just don't know how to cope enough for all of us. We all feel totally abandoned and I want to be the best and strongest mother possible for them, but some days I just can't muster the inner strength. The anger and sadness is just overwhelming. Sorry, I am just having a really bad day....

Thanks for listening...

Faithful w/Love posted 10/17/2013 09:39 AM

I remember those day and nights. I wanted to be left alone to cry, scream, and yell. Then I would look at my kids and cry in front of them, not on purpose but the hurt I felt for them. My kids were my pellar of strength, they loved me and I loved them back.
It was a nightmare but I promise you that you will get thru this one way or another.
I wish I could hug you because I know how you feel. It will get easier with time. Be kind to yourself and embrace those kids of yours.

Spelljean posted 10/17/2013 22:21 PM

Ended a limbo state recently and its the hardest thing to do. It went on about a year. We separated and WH was still cake eating, but tossing me crumbs here and there. Would come to visit and still his phone was never with him. Kept me hanging with talk here and there of R but he refused to commit. Waiting for me to do the work. I refused to guide him through.

I feel 100 percent finished. He doesn't want D but won't put any true effort in.

No more limbo for me.

I hope everyone here finds their way out through true R or through letting go and the strength to do so.

StillStanding1 posted 10/18/2013 17:08 PM

Thanks faithful and spelljean. It's always helpful to know others have been where you are.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Then, last night I saw many friends at a school meeting. Got to vent a little and got lots of support. That is so helpful after a bad day!!!!

Today, I ran 5 miles and felt empowered. I went to the bank and started my own checking account. Set up a meeting with a D'ed mom, friend of another D'ed friend, who had a great L and less expensive than original friend's L! Baby steps, but at least I feel like I'm asserting myself.

Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, but today I feel like he should feel lucky that I've been as open to R as I have been. If he wants to piss on that gift and run back to his fantasy, so be it. Good riddance. He's a fool. If he's happy with his choices, let him live in the mess he's created. Right?

Faithful, I forwarded that youtube link to my most supportive allies today. Watched it several times today and posted it on another thread for a BS really struggling with self-worth. Thanks so much for sharing it. I hope you are internalizing all those positive messages as well!

SurelyNOT posted 10/21/2013 09:41 AM

Don't really know if I can say I'm in LIMBO or not. That's how confused I am. WH has moved in with AP, however he is currently on a job out of town until at least Christmas, so they are not actually together. He is not in touch with us, he tells everyone that he phones his children, when in fact he doesn't. It's as if we just don't matter AT ALL. I just don't understand his cavalier attitude, how is it that he can just turn his back on us. I don't recognize the person he has become. He said had I not discovered the affair when I did, he would have just continued on regardless. How is it that he has now discarded us like garbage, with not a care in the world and he is happily planning his "fresh start" with her. I am left in a million little pieces, and although there have been good moments they are overshadowed by the bleak despair that is ever present. Is this limbo??

Healing2012 posted 10/21/2013 09:57 AM

I cannot believe there is a thread for people like me! My WH and I are not R and we are not D (in fact, we are both open about not wanting D).

In the beginning he was the one who was stuck (yes, he was cake eating and all that other stuff) while I wanted R. Now I have no clue what I want to do. I mean, I think I know what I want (R), but then I start thinking about how things will never be the same again and whether or not I will ever be able to trust or believe him.

I'm so confused.

We were in MC about one month after D-Day. But after a couple of appointments I discovered that he was still in contact with the OW so I told him I wasn't wasting my time. I have been in IC from the beginning and it has been the best decision. I have learned so much about myself and discovered that I am pretty darn strong.

We still talk. We laugh. We vent to each other (about work, family, etc.). But as far as R? Or even making a commitment to R? We remain silent.

So...when is it enough? When do I give up on this? Why the F am I still here?

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