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Support for BS in Limbo

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Bridie38 posted 4/10/2014 16:37 PM

Relieved to realize I'm not the only one in limbo!! I always feel that other people think 'What's she doing, why hasn't she kicked him out'. Probably they don't but that's just me.

It is so difficult to even think straight let alone make life changing decisions and yet I know I must at some point. Been together 42 years and so it is so scary even thinking about going it alone. Trying to get extra hours of work to help me fund myself, feeling emotionally drained, afraid and confused.

The last 5 mths have left me a different person, i don't think i will ever get over this.

Hope people in limbo with me find a way to make some choices which enable them to move forward - me included!

Jrazz posted 4/14/2014 11:22 AM

I was posting in another thread and the things I wanted to say seemed to fit better here.

It can be REALLY hard to know what to do at this point, despite having a completely remorseful, faithful FWS.

I've pretty much come to terms that I am in R for the protection of my DD4. I don't fear FWH, I know that he loves DD4 with all of his heart and would never deliberately hurt her. The scary fact is that he gives her incorrect medications, looks out the window while driving and I have to scream that there is a breaking car on the highway, and forgets to give her lunch. Some of these things can be categorized as minor inconveniences, but there are some really big flags regarding her safety and accidents that I am so deeply concerned about that I am trying to overlook the fact that I think our relationship may have ran it's course.

It makes me really sad, but it also feels like the right thing to do for now. I love Crazz very much, but I spend too much of my day bouncing between anxiety and resentment. We could get back into MC, but I don't think I have a single journal entry over the last 10 years that didn't mention how I felt that we might not be suited for each other. Crazz grew up in a house where his parents bickered all day every day and he thinks it's normal. I feel that married people should enjoy each other more than resent each other. I know that there are rough patches (years) but this seems to transcend that.

His dad smugly told us that we had nothing in common and would split up "soon." I think I hung around to prove him wrong. Shame on me.

Just getting thoughts out today. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:22 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

PRNDL posted 4/18/2014 22:51 PM

Never ever LIMBO! Ever.

I did it for 7 months. Limbo was more traumatic the the d-days themselves.

My advice:
After d-day number 1, 180D their ass, kick then out or leave, NC. No mercy. End it and D. Prevent further D-days and pain. Cheaters are mentally ill narcissistic monsters.

If you want R, follow the above plan, and re-evaluate them after they meet all criteria for a person who is truly remorseful, seeks IC, fixes themselves, proves the A is over, and kisses your ass to prove they will never cheat again. Based on my experience. People R due to fear of leaving and change.

Jrazz posted 4/19/2014 01:30 AM

PRNDL - I'm going to go ahead and assume you mean to be helpful instead of insulting. This thread is for people who need support while in limbo. We get that limbo might not be the healthiest place to park, but we're posting in here to get some protection from judgement, even if it's masquerading as forcible advice.

People R due to fear of leaving and change.

That is a pretty gigantic slap in to the face for a lot of members here. Please consider the nature of the members and forum that you are posting in.

SI Staff posted 4/19/2014 05:31 AM


Please note the following guideline:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Also, this thread is for BSs in limbo. If you are not a BS in limbo, you shouldn't be posting on this thread.

Thank you.

PRNDL posted 4/21/2014 04:55 AM

Im sorry. Wont happen again. My only experience in these matters are with my STBXW who was horrible to me abd someone I can not R with.

Keepcalm posted 4/21/2014 09:17 AM

I have to say that this has been a very helpful thread. I have been in Limbo for 2 years. My husband keeps saying he wants to work on the marriage, but then does not do what is asked in marriage counselling. I have even gotten the "I explained it, I have nothing more to add" speech. I don't want to live this way. This thread has empowered me to move forward and hopefully leave limbo behind.
Thanks to all that have shared their stories. It really helped me.

TheBestMe posted 4/21/2014 09:20 AM

@Jrazz- OMG, what a source of normalcy to see you here. I am a strong woman and people ask me "Why are you not divorcing him?". I have my reasons.

I feel that no matter what positive actions and reinforcement that my H gives me, I will always be in limbo. I will never trust him again and will never love him as deeply as I did. I accept my feelings as my reality. Oddly, I'm ok with it for now. It would be unfair to take all of this negativity into a new relationship.

There are some other areas in my life that I need to work on improving. There just has not been enough time since the LTA ended and my H's cancer diagnosis for me to make a decision about the M.

I am so relieved to have a place where I can share my feelings.

ShellyShell posted 4/21/2014 13:09 PM

This thread is awesome! Thanks for posting your stories because it helps to read them. I am in limbo of my own doing... DDay #3 was 2 months ago. I said I was done and ready to move on. And I was. He immediately began TRUE remorse, the like of which I had never seen before. He started IC. Our MC became my IC. I am trying to give it 6 months to decide but I want to bolt half the time. He says it is totally up to me what happens next but he wants to R, he'll wait as long as he has to he says. We have really good days and really bad days. I just want to know what I want one way or another but I know it will take time. It's nice to know I'm not the only indecisive person around here LOL.

Jrazz posted 4/21/2014 13:22 PM

It's a rough position. The whole "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality is something that definitely needs to be overcome rather than settled on.

For some, it just takes a lot more time and juggling of logistics to sort out. I feel bad for the members who feel ashamed to wait. There are so many questions that we chew on all day every day...

"Does this count as abuse?"

"Am I putting my needs before my kid(s)'?"

"How much "marketability" am I willing to lose before I can make a decision??"

I think it's ok to take as much time as you need, if you still don't have all the answers. If the answer IS staring us in the face and we're too scared to make the move... well, we get help for that. Counseling, SI, friends and family... whatever works. We can only do the best we can every day. Remember that little bitty steps towards the goal are still progress.

t/j -

@Jrazz- OMG, what a source of normalcy to see you here

Ooh girl, I don't know if you want ME to be a marker for normalcy.

industriousbee posted 4/24/2014 00:03 AM

I am still here in Limbo land. I am sorry we are here but glad I am not alone. So I had a realization last night: I would feel more eager to try to get over WS affair if we moved to another state. Has anyone let their pride get in the way of R?

Merida posted 5/1/2014 11:33 AM

oh I can so relate to the problems with my pride

my family so does not support my decision to even consider R at this point... there's a possible OC involved and it's just a nightmare I am so not willing to face how I am gonna tell my kids at some point

but than I can't think how I can just throw away 20 years of my life

is it I just fear change? Am I being too optimistic to think he can change (and obviously I can as well to finally have the marriage I deserve)

I am so new to all of this still I am totally riding the roller coaster.

Main problem right now I have with pride is I am not taking anti-depressants (he is), and so I am wondering if the emotional swings are worse than they otherwise would be...I worry I am needlessly suffering but don't want to have that as a crutch

so yah, the "strong" woman in me is really struggling with realizing how not in control I feel just all the time now... ah well

one day at a time - this is a marathon so I am not pacing it as a sprint

PollyA posted 5/9/2014 14:55 PM

WHY didn't I ever post here before????

Right after discovering that for 8 years , my H had 100 anonymous sexual encounters with men, I was committed to therapy and seeing if he's gay, bi, wants to be single, blah, blah. I knew of H's interest in oral sex with men, and had agreed it could be something we enjoyed together. I've known H for 30 years, had been "his first", he'd been married to a different woman for ten years, with no male encounters and he certainly has no problems thoroughly enjoying "lady parts" up close. Our sex life was amazing. And then fell off, and then was amazing at times, and then we got in a rut, and then it was amazing know....what I consider "normal".

After the disclosure of him having had gay sex with two men, I wasn't exactly committed to the marriage, because I felt perhaps this man isn't really wanting a monogamous relationship. I was willing to try to understand because he seemed so remorseful.

Six months of saying "I swear, THIS time it's the whole truth!" (maybe ten times???), 100 men, chlamydia, lies, emotional outbursts (me), realizing we were married only two years before he began this behavior, not so much committed to giving a FLYING FUCK about him. It's all about me now, and I'd just as soon he walk out the door then get up and make me coffee tomorrow morning.

After six months of trickle truth, I have so less respect for him, it's changed me. I got no more to give. He realizes that now.

I've left. But only for a few weeks, or for a few days. If I'd had the money to leave in January, I would have left.

However, we commute to the same job which is about 45 minutes away. We have no kids, but the animals are my heart's delight. It's hard to find an apartment (and SUPER EXPENSIVE if you DO find one) in my city.

I have told only a few friends because the few close friends (who are all out of town) I told say, "leave the asshole" and "he's obviously gay". Those answers aren't as clear to me.

In the meantime, I quit the marriage counseling...wasted $1300...and he's in IC and finally seems to understand what he's destroyed. He's a bit better at communicating. Not great, but better. He doesn't know yet how to rebuild our marriage, but I think he realizes now that I'm not going to be the one to do it.

We went to a new marriage counselor where I told her my feelings. She looked at him and said, "You know she has one foot out the door, right?" I think he knows. But, I'm not sure he is ABLE to do what needs to be done. Hell, I don't even KNOW what can be done to restore this marriage. He's broken so many promises, and not lived up to his word, I jump on every little problem. He's disrespected me for so long, I will not accept even a LITTLE bit more of that.

I don't have a marriage right now, that's for sure.

Here's my fear. What IF he IS on his way to becoming an awesome partner?

If I leave, I'd have gone through the trauma and fiscal struggle. I've already lost my best friend. We're excellent activity partners, and enjoy many cultural activities together. If our sex life could be restored, which I'm unsure if it can be, and I'd have trust in him...well, I'd hate to miss out on that.

On the other hand, if I stay and trust him the way I need to trust a partner, he could go right back to having a secret life that puts my life in danger.

Limbo = Hell

PollyA posted 5/9/2014 15:42 PM


Would you take an aspirin for a headache?

Stress causes changes in the brain chemistry which can lead to depression, anxiety, fear and pain.

Finding relief during this stressful period is not a crutch. If an anti-depressant can help you, it's a tool to get through this time.

Now wait, I take that back. If your leg is broken, but you want to keep moving and working and living your life, you'll use a crutch!

I hereby proclaim "a crutch" as a GOOD thing, not a BAD thing!

I had a stressful situation in my life when my therapist explained that the depression I was feeling was "situational". He suggested Celexa to help alleviate my obsessive thinking. I was so grateful. It helped me sleep, not because it was a tranquilizer, but because I could stop my brain from it's preoccupation. I only took it for three months, after which I no longer needed it.

That said, I'm not advocating for it. Only you and your doctor can decide if an anti-depressant is a good tool for you right now.

OakStreet posted 5/13/2014 07:19 AM

Wow, glad to find this forum. I have been on SI for a while, moved from JFO to Reconciliation and then had to 'kick myself out' of R forum when I went through Dday #2.

After informing our MC of Dday #2, I quit MC and informed WH that he needed to go IC (which he has). My WH had continued the affair WHILE we were in MC.

So now it seems that he is full of remorse. Wants to fix this. But I am on the fence. Don't feel the love. I am struggling with the question, "Am I better off with him, or without him?" Can MC help us/me rekindle the love and 'like'?

I know I need to go to IC, and am working on doing so.

Does anyone have any advice on making the BIG DECISION on whether to stay or leave?

Jrazz posted 5/13/2014 12:41 PM

Does anyone have any advice on making the BIG DECISION on whether to stay or leave?

My advice for you? Wait a little bit more, if you can. There will come a point in the process where your true feelings will be more clear, even if you're not ready to make a decision. My FWH lied and maintained contact through the first few weeks of MC, and when it all came out he really did go NC completely.

It still took me at LEAST a year for the rollercoaster emotions to give way to the more rational ones. There are so many triggers and reactions in that first year that it's really hard to know the difference between reality and blind panic. If he is doing the work and you have hope that something good may come of it, there's ZERO shame in sticking it out. Money, history, kids.... these things make it SO much harder to make a decision than to just make a move for ourselves. Work on where YOU want to be in little baby steps, and your path will become more clear as you go.

PollyA posted 5/13/2014 18:06 PM

You don't need to decide. You'll know when you've made a decision.

But you also can make decisions to make your life better RIGHT NOW. In retrospect, I wish I'd INSISTED that he leave the house. It is difficult, money wise. Apartments are expensive and tough to find in my city. Even so, I wouldn't have had to listen to the trickle truth every time, and have my head explode.

I wish I'd insisted on him going to IC immediately, as well. For six months he lied during MC. I want time as well as the money back!

It is now much easier to live with H, but in the meantime, I've suffered so much emotional trauma, I don't know if I'll ever forgive.

I still love him, but it doesn't mean I will ever be able to be the loving supportive, trusting spouse that I know I need to be to feel truly married.

OakStreet posted 5/13/2014 22:02 PM

Jrazz & PollyA:

Thank you for your comments! WH and I had a discussion tonight after his IC session.

He seems to really be in remorse now, but how can I know the truth?

I want time as well as the money back!

I think I'm going to insist on this. I have told him I need my space to think things over, and I am going to take a mini vacation to the beach - by myself! I am SO pissed that I spent 5 months in MC while he continued the affair!

Rubyrain posted 5/17/2014 02:14 AM

Hello, glad to find this forum. I'm very much in limbo at the moment. My H has lied to me, cheated in me, and when I busted him, the fucker hit me. And I feel like such a dupe for saying this, but I still wonder if we can R. No one will support me in that, I know. Physical abuse is the queen mother of all deal breakers, always was for me, too. The most I could hope for is that I not get too much overt pressure and they all save their comments and judgement for when my back is turned. :(

I don't know what I want, honestly I know I want my family intact, but what I now know is absolutely unacceptable. I don't know if I can forgive him enough to move on, and even if I could, I don't know whether I can trust him. He's very remorseful and has good intentions right now, but he's not putting recovery before everything else...

Anyway.thanks for this thread.

alleyk posted 5/18/2014 00:32 AM

Just found this group, and I guess I belong here.

I just cannot seem to let go of my wh. After dday1 he claimed to only want me and be fully committed to mending our m. Then dday2 where I found he was still texting ow. We started MC but he didn't seem committed and I thought he was lying. Then over many months of snooping and discovery I have pretty much confirmed he has has numerous sexual encounters over the course of our whole relationship. I confronted him with it a few weeks ago and now he says he is a SA and was molested. He basically has been begging me to help him through this and he wants therapy. I just don't have much energy or love left to help him, plus no trust and no confidence he'll just cheat again in the future. I feel that I am just being used and abused. But I am having a hard time letting go. I've had plenty of opportunity the past two weeks to say so, and I did tell him I want a divorce and needed my space. But then he comes home, brings me gifts, acts as if we can repair, and I just sit in silence like a deer in the headlights.

I keep thinking that there will be some moment I just say ENOUGH, and I don't know why I haven't gotten there. Well perhaps because I am an authentic and empathetic individual and he knows that. There are things I don't want to lose too, mutual friends, career connections, things I have created my identity around for a decade.

But... Instead I have been running away, leaving the house if he's there.

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