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Support for BS in Limbo

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atsenaotie posted 7/12/2011 07:23 AM

Hi all, I will try the new thread too. I got TT for 6-7 months, then some details, and nothing since. She does not want to talk about it, does not want to "give energy" to the thoughts. I know there is more, but I accept what happened.

My limbo comes from the aftermath. The year after dday was an epiphany for fww. She began to realize her role in our dysfunction, and that I was not the source of everything wrong in the M and her life. She did IC for about 7 months for borderline personality traits, and we are trying some MC now. She is deeply ashamed of what she did, and this eats at her. She still sees things in black and white, all good or bad for the most part. When she is angry, she still targets me as the cause of everything that went wrong. Sex? She is now struggling with childhood SAb issues that she did not think were that big a deal prior to the IC. I envy those that ďonlyĒ have sex 1-2 times a month; we can go 3 months between sex. She does not like to hug, does not like to kiss, but touch and quality time are my love languages. Scheduling time with me she says is another obligation she has to find time for.

Geesh, I write this all out it seems perfectly clear that I should be moving on. Finances are the big issue for me. Our house is underwater, older son is in college; fww lost her job a while back. Money is tight. I suspect D would lead to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I make a good salary, and have a prospect for a job with a significant bump. If I get that job, finances may be better but it will require moving from a house we cannot sell. It will still be tough to keep a kid in school, prepare for another in college in 3 years, and pay to support her and I separately.

Or we just keep living as we do now, much like the last 5-6 years before dday. She does her thing, and I do mine. We have sex 3-4 times a year. She visits her family without me. My sil is uncomfortable around me because she knew about the Aís, both step-daughters knew about the Aís and the older one blames me for everything wrong in the family, much like her mother did.

I used to love her so much, despite what I now see was emotional abuse. There just does not seem to be anything to work with now. Once our eyes are openedÖ

jadedheart posted 7/12/2011 08:45 AM


Limbo is a lonely place sometimes. WH tells me he is fully committed to our marriage, but when I ask questions now he says, "I don't know/remember." When I ask him why he doesn't know/remember he says, "I am trying to put that all behind me." WOW! I would love to be able to do that too!

So that is why limbo is such a lonely is a place where I still don't come before his own needs.

Just taking it one day at a time now until my path becomes clear to me.

milia posted 7/12/2011 10:46 AM

The problem with limbo it seems is that none of us are getting what we actually want/need to heal and fix things.

Too many unresolved issues.
Healing is difficult like this, at least for me. I want to know that I matter. It hurts to be inconsequential, and I agree with last poster (sorry, forgot your name) it's a darn lonely place to be.
Sometimes, I feel stuck in the hurt and angry phase and don't know what to do to get out of it. Ignoring it doesn't seem to work although it does for him.

Patience has never been one of my virtues and I can't believe that it is coming up on two years (in Sept.) with so little work being done. I do not understand why they cannot talk. I find this baffling.

@ats, I relate to not being able to sell house in order to S or D. We would lose much in this market, and poverty is soooo not attractive.

neverendinghurt posted 7/12/2011 13:37 PM

Would you leave if:

A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

DeeplyHurting posted 7/12/2011 14:43 PM

I think this is where I may belong. I am hurtingÖÖ..

I am in limbo and I hate every minute of it. When I first found out about the A, I wanted a D Ė no questions asked. I received a message through FB that my H was seeing a co-worker. When I approached him about it, he admitted to a PA and EA. I thought WH was genuinely remorseful Ė he told all, sometimes too much. He was crying just as much as me. Couldnít eat or sleep. Then WH had to travel out of the country to visit his sick mother for a couple of days. I really missed him and I decided to really give it a try. That didnít last very long. Every time there is a trigger, argument, or lie I go back to feeling like I really donít deserve this and I tell WH that I canít take it anymore and I want a divorce.

He says he canít deal with my emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like WH doesnít have the guts to tell me how he really feels and keeps doing little things to push me over the edge so I will D him. For example he is very loving, affectionate if we donít talk about the A. Now - if we discuss things about the A, I get the: I donít knows, and canít remember. Why were you so open in the beginning? If I catch him in a lie, he says he didnít want to hurt me.

I am having a difficult time deciphering what WH really wants. At times he seems remorseful, but he cannot handle me being upset and crying (which I do often). Itís SO HARD because I thought our marriage was one-of-a-kind, and special. I look in his eyes and think How could you? How could you live two lives and be so deceitful? I just donít know what to believe. He tells me that he loves me and canít imagine life without me. HOWEVER, recently I sent a letter explaining to WH that I want to make it work. I included specific boundaries and told him he has NC with me until he makes up his mind what he wants. Obviously he has chosen NC with me as I havenít heard from him since Sunday. He promised me a letter yesterday to explain his side Ė NOTHING!

Is he pushing me further to D? WH knows I have an appointment on Thursday with a lawyer. This is not how a person who WANTS to save their marriage acts. He says things like: I am confused, or I donít know if the A was real. WTH? What does that mean? What are you confused about I ask him and he canít seem to explain Ė as articulate as he is!!

I would rather that he be up front and tell me either way. It is bad enough that he did what he did and had the A, but to keep me in limbo is just wrong. And it HURTS SO MUCH!

lost4now posted 7/12/2011 14:47 PM

I no longer consider myself in limbo. I am right where I want to be at this moment. Concentrating on ME. My WH and I separated in March....but he wants to come back home. We are both in IC and working on ourselves.

I really am working on myself. I do alot of thinking. Not just about my WH and his A, but about our M and my life in general. When I finally make a decision about my future (and that of my children) it will be coming from a place of strength rather than fear! I feel this is extremely important. I do not fear being alone (I have been alone for several months and I am ok!)...I do not fear financial security (I can make it because I am resourceful and hard working!)....I do not fear for my children (they have shown how strong they are these past several months!).

Whatever decision I make (NOT HIM) will be what I can live with and will happen when I am ready.

This is not to say that some days are not just awful....because they are. I just refocus on me and work hard to make the most of this time of learning and processing.

Sorry we are all here!

DeeplyHurting posted 7/12/2011 14:58 PM


Hmmm! Let me see. I definitely have somewhere to go, although that means moving to my homeland. I can take care of myself financially. My son is independent (20 yrs old). I guess the one reason that I am in Limbo is because I am afraid of being alone.

I really question myself with ďWhy do I think about staying?Ē When I first found out about the A, My gut told me to leave Ė RUN! We have NOTHING keeping us together but good memories, no finances, no shared children, no house. I kept telling my WH that our time is up. He would adamantly deny it with an emphatic NO! He would tell me to give it time. I kept asking myself: What am I fighting for? I still have a hard time answering that question. Love and time is on our side. We did have fun together when we went out and at home. That changes when the trust is gone.

If I am honest with myself I am afraid of being alone. I havenít been on a date since my mid-twenties. I am now almost 40. Although I look much younger! (SMILES) I wouldnít even know where to begin.

sootired posted 7/12/2011 15:29 PM

I too am in limbo, mostly because each time I think we are reconcilling I learn she is back at it with someone new and I return to the 180. I do have a lawyer and have at least begun the information part of the process with him.
But for now, floating...

neverendinghurt posted 7/12/2011 16:55 PM

Deeplyhurting and anyone else that fears being alone, you can be with someone and be more alone that if you were actually on your own.

Alternatively, you can live alone but not feel lonely.

milia posted 7/12/2011 18:08 PM

@neh: for me it would be both B & E. No, not breaking and entering!

@lost4now: Good for you. Sounds like you are in a good place and already dealing with all this from a place of strength.

@sotired: Sounds like you have a plan in place but like a lot of us are waiting for that certain sign to indicate whether to stay or go. Sucks!
Are you in IC or MC?

@deeplyhurting: Sounds like these are early days for you, yes?
The beginning is an awful place to be. It is unfamiliar territory and all is so new and raw.
Are you guys in IC or MC? Sometimes it can help to figure out things/feelings.

I understand how difficult it is to wait for him to know what it is he wants. BTDT, still doing that thanks to his FOO issues. He doesn't even know what he feels, much less what he wants.

(((((Hugs to all))))

DeeplyHurting posted 7/12/2011 22:03 PM

I checked the abbreviations here on the site but I canít figure out what BTDT and FOO stand for Ė Iím a little slow sometimes! LOL

Yes this is fairly new to me. D-Day was March 27. I found this site end of June. I am struggling. It makes it more difficult because I am leaving the country on Sunday and we have so much to finalize and discuss. I talked to WH briefly tonight. He claims to want me. He feels like he is in a nightmare and wonders if it this is really happening. He is still working on his letter. (Sometimes I wonder if I will ever receive it).

Our insurance should kick in early September. We will go to counseling then. My boundaries included IC and MC.
Lost4now Ė I Love your words of wisdom and inner strength. You have given me rays of hope!

Neverendinghurt Ė SO TRUE!

neverendinghurt posted 7/12/2011 22:09 PM

BTDT = been there done that

FOO = Family of origin

Imissmybubble posted 7/13/2011 17:55 PM

I guess this is where I belong, too. I feel like I'm being a total drag in General and I left Reconciliation when I discovered the second OW through TT.

Not only is R not for sissies, but it isn't for risk intolerant people like me.

I can't risk anything anymore...I'm locked down tight to avoid showing any kind of weakness to WH...feels like suicide to show weakness, KWIM?

jadedheart posted 7/13/2011 21:21 PM

in answer to neverending hurts list...

I would answer yes to B,C,D

I am not afraid to tbe alone. I am only afraid of making a decision that will destroy my kids. Unless we have another DDay then I am prepared to remain in limbo for the next year. If there is ever another DDay then I can't say what will happen. At that point all bets will be off. I love my children more than anything, but there is only so much even they would want me to endure. They don't know about the A, but if they did I know they would not want me to keep enduring that kind of pain. I will protect them for as long as I can.

Going To Make It posted 7/14/2011 10:07 AM

As someone else said, we can't heal correctly if we don't have a ws who is willing to be totally honest with himself and with us.

That is where I am, Since I only know what I have discovered, I can't offer forgiveness unless he admits the depth of the betrayal.

We are friends with benefits, married on paper only. He keeps me in the style I've grown accustomed to and I don't want a lifestyle change. Poverty is very unappealing to me.

I am fortunate, I don't always have to live with him. I have a little place several states away when I need my "space". He's not happy about it, but I don't care. He didn't care about all the pain he was putting me through either. He just has to get use to the "new us".

Hugs to all enduring this crap.

SabinatheOwl posted 7/14/2011 11:18 AM

Would you leave if:

A: you had somewhere to go

B: it was financially viable for you to do so

C: if your kids were older

D: if you didn;t have kids

E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

In answer to neh's question, for me it's mostly B with a little E added for seasoning. Typically when I've made up my mind to follow a path, go through with a decision, I don't deviate no matter what. Now, I find myself questioning anew what I really want and that's an uncomfortable and scary feeling for me. Personal growth is good & healthy and a sign of (gasp, lol) maturity. Intellectually, I know that, but my inner child is slow to accept changes.

Anyhow-I'm starting to wonder if I could potentially stay & truly work toward R only if & when I don't feel financially trapped. Until recently I've been very very set on S & eventual D (which I've not ruled out), but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped, as opposed to the other way around. Yes, I'm a slow learner when it comes to emotional stuff. . My SAWH & I agree that there is much between us to work through & that individually there's significant work yet to be accomplished.

That's where I am right now. Learning to be ok with not knowing. Working on me. Thanks for letting me get all of this out there.

~ Sabina

Imissmybubble posted 7/14/2011 14:42 PM

To answer the questions, for me it's just "B", pure and simple. If money appeared, I'd be gone.

neverendinghurt posted 7/14/2011 14:52 PM

but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped

Yes, that is what I eventually figured out. Once stopped feeling trapped, I was able to think more clearly about what I wanted and needed.

Crescita posted 7/14/2011 17:22 PM

I think I might be the only one here who finds comfort in limbo. I hated it for the first month when it was imposed by WH as he continued his affair. Now I feel safe here, as I don't have to make any decisions. Well I do, but I can pretend.

I think my reasons for staying right now are E, and F (fear of regret)...just keep thinking he might still be that strong, moral man I saw before.

icbtih8 posted 7/14/2011 20:32 PM

but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped

I felt like that too. At one point I had to turn it around and realized that I felt trapped because I was in limbo. That was one of the motivators I used to get me out of limbo.

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