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Support for BS in Limbo

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Hurtingnnc posted 8/11/2014 08:49 AM

what's good enough for him is crumbs for me. And "teaching" him what I need is the most unattractive, unsavory prospect to me right now. Stepping up should be an outcome of his desires, not me creating a lesson plan.

This really spoke to me. I am trying to get out of limbo as I feel like I have been getting crumbs. When I explained that to him and listed what I need he said he is not sure if he can do it. (I asked him to do the exercises in a Surviving an Affair.) I need prayers for strength.

PreggoBS posted 9/2/2014 09:38 AM

I'm just jumping into this thread with out reading much of it first, I don't know if that is acceptable or not but I am in a bad way. I am three months pregnant and just found out about an emotional affair my husband was having. We ended up separating and he consumated the affair. He had two other affairs last year when I was pregnant with my first. He keeps saying that I make him unhappy, that I don't meet his needs and I think that in a lot of ways he's right. I know I took him for granted. I know I could have done more than I did. Now he is still continuing the relationship with the other girl, but we talk about trying counseling to see if we have a chance at working things out. EVERYONE I talk to says not to even try, to leave and not look back. But I LOVE HIM. He has been my whole world for 7 years, we have kids together and I can't seem to function or be able to eat or sleep without him around. I don't think he really wants to be with me anymore, I don't think he is in love with me, he has told me he doesn't think he is in love with me. I just don't know what to do or how to survive, or even fucking eat.

rachelc posted 9/2/2014 09:43 AM

Preggo - ask yourself why you love someone who treats you like this. Do you love yourself? ARe you afraid of being alone? He sounds cruel.. are you in IC? The minute someone says "he is my world" I think they don't have enough of a life outside their marriage, good marriage or not.

PreggoBS posted 9/2/2014 13:18 PM

rachelc- I don't know. I ask that everyday. However, I do think that I am culpable for his looking to have his needs met elsewhere. I think that I should have done certain things better.
As for him being my world to a great extent it is true, I didn't have enough outside of him. We lived VERY remotely for a few years and then I got pregnant. So yeah, I have few friends that I get together with and only occasionally. I do work however, so that does help.
Yes, I am in IC. I would probably be dead already if I wasn't....

mom2my4kiddos posted 9/12/2014 18:54 PM

While I hate that you all are here, it's nice to not be the only member of the club. We're living together, he's NC with the OW but we're basically just room mates while he gets his head on straight. We're in MC (IMAGO which he's not too sure about)and I've started IC (SBT which I'm not sure about,lol). Some days he feels like he's trying and some days I feel like I'm in the boat on my own.

Merida posted 9/23/2014 13:14 PM

really weird to be in a position to "protect the kids of the marriage" by filing for divorce and CS

been a bit of a rollercoaster as WH and I hashed out the separation agreement... heckofa way to practice good communication and conflict management skills

hated putting the kids name onto forms and plugging in "formulas" - felt like I was getting turned into hamburger mush and couldn't get pink floyd songs out of my head (dang worms)

guess I'm at the point of being willing to break the marriage to save it and just overall take things one day at a time

Other2014 posted 10/2/2014 04:36 AM

I hate not knowing what to do,its been two and a half mo and I dont know whether I should have had some idea by now or not. Having sex outside of marriage is completely unacceptable for me. If I had been financially independent I would probably have filed for D already. But I have not worked for more than two yrs and I moved to USA on a dependent visa which dont allow me to work. It will be a while for me to become financially independent and be able to provide for my DS. My WH is well paid and I dont want my kid to be in this mess and face financial trouble. He deserve to be loved by both parents. I hate waking up every morning not knowing how to handle this mess, on one hand I cant accept him another hand I want my kid to afford all the facilities he deserves. P.S: we are muslim and muslim divorce law doesnot have the concept of alimony. So if I D him I would not get a penny.

krsplat posted 10/7/2014 08:35 AM

Other2014: What country are you living in? If your are in the US or Europe, your religion is irrelevant to your divorce settlement. Muslim or not, if you are living in a country that has fair divorce laws, you WILL qualify for alimony and child support if you go to a lawyer.

itbreaksme posted 10/8/2014 07:50 AM


Im new to this forum and Im thinking this thread is for me? Im feeling very in limbo.

im 14 months into this maze of chaos. My WS actually confessed to an affair when i was 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. He is adamant he only wanted to tell me because he didnt want there to be any secrets between us. I feel its bullshit! I think he told me to help ensure his survival!! I was preg, morning sickness and extremely vulnerable...of course i would keep him around! I sucked it all up and tried to move on and be happy. All that love was there, generally happy with occasional emotional meltdowns when the niggling feeling i had became too much.

Well ive had the baby (7 months ago) and after about 3 months i started to really question the whole thing! It just doesnt sit right with me. Im in IC...

It started off as an emotional affair and went on for a few months like that only via phone calls and texts/emails (she was a work colleague on the other side of the country!!!). Then on one on of his business trips he slept with her, twice. Once at his hotel room one night and in her car another night. Then apparently called it off. All while he was partying with this woman he is messaging me telling me he loves me, emailing me photos of the work event he was at, PLANNING ANOTHER BABY!! They have still talked to each other occasionally because of work and she even had the nerve to message him a congrats after the baby was born!!!! She isnt aware that i know...

Now, at the time it was all happening i was blissfully unaware there was anything going on!!!! Our 2nd baby at the time was about 13months old but all was good there. There was just absolutely no reason whatsoever to have done what he was doing!! EVERYONE was there for him. He had a large work load on and was under the pump..but still!!??? He is also one of those guys that looked down his nose at people who had affairs!!!!!

He has done no work and is reluctant to go to MC. He doesnt want to talk about it. I think its the shame and embarrasment talking...?? He is extremely remorseful. Tells me he loves me, has sworn he will never do it again etc.. Now an amazing husband, amazing father etc.. but i feel that its a bit late. Its all a reminder of him sucking up to me to try and make up for what he's done.

i know his infidelity isnt as bad as some peoples on here but we were a very close couple. I met him when i was 18 and we've been together for 15 years and have the 3 kids.

I am having a VERY hard time forgiving and forgetting!!! I think i want out!! Im just tired from it all. I often feel a great weight has lifted when i make the decision to leave! but then i stay..

i want to tell him to get out but then i feel sorry for him!!! I keep putting what he wants first. He just acts like everything is fine!! Keeps hitting me up for sex (which is great!) because he thinks it will keep us connected.

I think i should stay because of the kids. Stay and just be happy. Hes not a bad guy. But then i think of my own self worth. Am i only worthy of a person that chooses not to communicate with me and cheats on me?? What message am i teaching my boys??

Im fine if i go... parents to take us in, have a job if i need etc.

But then i feel bad for messing up the kids lives. But then i think im grumpy and distracted now and if the "problem" was gone then i wouldnt have to be grumpy and distracted!!! Then i feel bad about hurting WS!!!

Im tired and angry and bitter and have shut down. I dont trust WS with my heart, love, life, happiness etc... all the while he's as happy as a pig in mud and talking about more kids!!! He is COMPLETELY oblivious!!!

When i told him i was going to go get IC he made it all about him. How long does he have to go through this? He cant do his job without me! When will i move on?! He cant keep living in fear of his marriage ending....

Anyone left their partners at least 12 months after D-day and done it with kids??

Other2014 posted 10/8/2014 14:37 PM

Thanks for the info, we were staying in US. Now I am staying at my home country but looks like it would be wise to go back to US or CA( I have a residentship) if I decide to get a divorce, that helps, thanks a lot.

StrongHeart posted 10/8/2014 16:56 PM

This post could not have been found at a better time. I am absolutely exhausted being in LIMBO. he doesn't know if he loves me. I don't know if I love him. We both think that there could be walls/defenses at play that are just not allowing us to connect and that never did in the past. I am scared to D and then regret it, but I don't think I can handle this torture of limbo anymore. We want to R because we feel like that's what we should do. Like we were brought together for a reason and we have a one year old son, so to give up too soon would be unfair to him. I feel that there is no hope for us though. He has so many emotional issues, that it would take years to work on, then we have to decide once he gets that under control whether or not we actually love each other. I don't know if I am willing to risk another few years to figure that out.

krsplat posted 10/18/2014 21:14 PM

He's showing remorse. He's doing everything I've requested. He's making headway in IC, and showing signs that he might -- years from now, with hard work -- become an actual human being. He tells the truth, at least so far as I can verify it. He gets how much he hurt me, and seem truly sorry. He even borders on empathy sometimes.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

I feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. I am not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. I worry about managing financially. I resent having to give up a comfortable retirement.

So I stay here in limbo, not ready to go, not willing to commit to R. My goodness, this sucks.

HoldOnHope posted 10/21/2014 12:03 PM

krsplat- this is exactly how I feel about my situation. Word for word.

I am 15 months out. Some of the anger has subsided, thank goodness!! Some days I manage to convince myself that I can be happy if I stay in this marriage. The caveat being that I will never again expect WS to help facilitate that happiness (although he appears to very much WANT to make me

Other days I fixate on how much happier I would be without him. I miss the intimacy, but I don't want to be intimate with WS. I'd be so much happier moving on without trying to force myself to have feelings for WS again.

But I stay. Because I also feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. And I am also not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. And, despite my decent salary I, too, worry about managing financially. I stay, but it has nothing to do with a desire to reconcile with a man who so deeply betrayed me from day 1. All of the appologies in the world won't change what he did, and I can't get past that.

Yes, it sucks.

Notmetoo2011 posted 10/21/2014 19:49 PM


I could have written your post. I am three years out from DDay and while on the surface it looks like we are in R, really I am still in limbo.

One day I think we can make it, the next I feel I will never get over what he did and we will end up divorced.

I have been with this man since I was 17. I have had no other adult relationships. We have so much history I can't imagine life without him, but he shattered my world and broke my heart. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. We have built a good life together and I resent the fact that because of his selfish choices I now have to choose between a comfortable retirement with him or struggling financially without him.

Our kids are older ( 15,18,21 & 24 ) but I worry about what effect us divorcing would have on the younger two in particular.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

^^ this. I don't want to have to check up on him or worry about him lying to me. But I will never fully trust him again so that doubt will always be there. I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life like that.

All I can say is, you're young, you have so much of your life ahead of you. Do you really want to live like this? I just turned 50. If I was even 10 years younger I'd be gone.

refurb posted 10/21/2014 20:02 PM

To those of you limbo, I can only imagine that i can't really imagine it all,

I wanted reconciliation my cheating wife wanted out, keep the affair under wraps then get with Mr cheatfuck as the Whitenight.

I read the threads bout how difficult reconciliation is and I do understand the feelings.

i wish i had more you folks beyound "i feel for you" but i do truly feel for you

i hope the right thing works out for you

shiftingsand posted 10/22/2014 07:06 AM

Well, I think this is my place. I am in limbo. I can't decide what to do. Some days, I think I'm just going to leave, then other days I think we are making progress, then I am finally awakened to the fact that my husband already has "foot out the door". He "doesn't know" how he feels about me/our marriage, admitted that he "gave up" when he didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel after all these years of being unhappy and me finally graduating and not finding a job. He feels that I have treated him like a paycheck and he was so alone that he needed to have "friends", that I didn't know about, whom he says he has not been intimate with, took off over 4th july weekend, wouldn't tell me where he was. On teh one hand tells me that he still loves me, but on the other won't go to maritial counseling, IC - doens't believe in it. Says we should be able to fix our problems ourseleves. Says that he never told me about these "friends" because I am so jealous. I never knew I was, but by hiding them he certainly made me now. I don't know why I am still hanging on, probably because we've been together since 1996 and I feel so low because of my job situation and not being able to support myself and having a guy who is half out of the door.
Some days I'm feeling ok I can leave him or tell him to go and others I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and don't know my head from my tokas!
I'm just one crazy mess! I feel like I should be able to do SOMETHING anything except what I am doing now, which feels like spinning my wheels.

I just for me found out that he had been calling some woman in MASS - who actually may be here more often than I ever knew in APril. HE denied anything going on, everything was friendship, he was lonely, told me all the things were my fault, all the things that were killing the relationship - which of course were my fault. He not admitting to doing anything wrong - I feel like the crazy one. There are missing times in his schedule he says he is working and then the time he was supposed to be working is not logged in. Then when I think these are getting better he does some shit that sets me off on the roller-coaster and I back slide into depression.

I guess, today I am feeling like a fool. Other times I feel like maybe I can make it. The just found out forum is like leave, leave... he is unresmorseful, but I am not blame free either. Rarely is life black and white - it's all shades of gray. Unfortunately, I have very bad copign skills due to my abuse as a child from my parents - and so my moments of clarity turn shady often.

I just appreciate having a place to put out my thoughts to people who are struggling coping, and making decisions.

shiftingsand posted 10/22/2014 10:03 AM

I think I've finally decided, well I guess till I see my therapist later on today. I'm just going to start going throw all my crap in preparation for his eventual leaving. I think I will just put the house on the market as is, it was a fixer upper when we started and we ran out of money to completely fix it up. so maybe I will get out of it without having to oweanything, but will hve lost my inherience. Although being the gerous person I was Iput his name along with mine on the deed. so it's half his eventhough the mortgage is in his name. at this point i really think I just want out@! Too much pain... no support from him... I can't make him want to be with me, be the locving supporting husband I thought he was, but now tells me he wasn't for years and resents me for everything, even though he encouraged me to go back to school - told me to do it.

It doesn't matter, he is so unhappy that now I am so unhappy and can't move forward with my life now. At least he will be more happier without me being this financial burden around his neck. Which is what I feel like now. I just feel like less of person all teh time now. I really think I'm done. I just want to walk away from it all. HE can go have his happy life with these spanish girls and I can just go start life somewhere else, and declare bankruptcy - see how far what little jewerly I have will take me and that's where i will be. yeah, I'm done.

GonnaGetThru posted 10/28/2014 09:04 AM

I so relate to all of you. Almost 2 years from d-day and still feel
like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm still so angry all the time I fear it will kill me. While I think WH is remorseful, he isn't doing the work I need him to do. I had hoped things would look brighter for us at this point in time. So sad, really. I too don't have the financial means to be on my own; I always think wh is using that as leverage. Leave it to me to end up in a state that requires a one year separation in order to D. The "shock and awe" of filing D to wake him up is of no good to me and makes me feel helpless. Limbo sucks :-(

UnableToCope83 posted 11/12/2014 10:53 AM

I don't know where I stand. I think I'm mostly leaning toward a D, but my love for her is holding me back.

A couple of days after D-Day I went to her and wanted to make it work. The response that I got was over and over that "I'm confused" and "nothing happened." Now I know that it was all a lie.

Since then (2 months) I have been going out of my way trying to make things work. I was doing everything for her and our children. Last Friday I found out that she was still seeing at least 2 people (because she google searched directions to their house) and was trying to buy sex toys on Amazon with my money.

After that I wrote her a heartfelt letter to try and wake her up that went as follows:

" [WW], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me who had expected to marry only once and to remain committed, it is a severe shock to watch our relationship unravel. Nevertheless I've done some intense soul searching, and now I realize that I've been trying to hold you against your will. As I reflect on our courtship I'm reminded that you married me once out of your own free choice. I didn't have beg, plead, and twist your arm. It was a decision that you made without pressure from me. I'm aware that I could no longer force you to stay with me now than I could have forced you to marry me all those years ago. You are free to go.If you never call me again then I accept your decision. I admit this entire experience has been painful, in fact the most painful of my life, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll be with me in the future. You were my first love. I will pray the Lord guides you in the years ahead."

Since then she has removed me from her life and says she wants nothing to do with me. I've never been this hurt before in my life. She's removed me from all of her social media and to my knowledge continuing the relationships with these 3+ men. It sucks, I don't know how to make it from one moment to the next. This is hell, pure and simple. It's hell to know that someone is walking a dark path that will lead into despair and nothing you do or say can stop it.

Shockedandbroken posted 11/13/2014 13:08 PM

itbreaksme - Your words could be written by me. I feel the same confusion! Do I stay or do I Leave? He is very remorseful & doing everything he should be but my heart is broken. I thought our marriage was special & untouchable. I thought I was his world. I was so blindsided by his affair. I love him but I am not sure I love him the same as I did pre-D-Day. I want a love that is untainted by an affair. I have two sons that I don't want to put through the disaster of a divorce. The impact that our short separation had on my oldest son was so profound. People say children are resilient but I don't believe that they all are. I think some parents tell themselves that to justify their selfish actions & behaviors. And financially I don't think I could make it on my own. The housing market here is outrageously priced. Even rentals are $1000+ per month.

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