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Support for BS in Limbo

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Imissmyhusb posted 1/28/2015 09:16 AM

Hello all,
I have been in limbo for 15 months. My heart goes out to you all. I know the pain and the struggle

Is anyone else gettg their ducks in a row for possible S/D? Or r u guys mostly leang toward R?

I would absolutely positively LOVE to R. WH on the other hand is of the mind to 'see where thgs go', and not commit to R right now. Meanwhile he is still workg w COW and sendg her lovey txt msgs. Tells me he doesnt want to divorce, just separate.

I cant hold my breath for this guy. Unfortunately i feel that D is inevitable bcuz he wont go NC.

My fear is that when i am fully ready and strong enuf to D and leave this craziness behind...he will come around and be the remorseful H i need to help me heal and subsequently R. But it will b too late and i wont want to R at that point, my family will be broken and i will feel bad for not giving it one last try

I have to get off this crazytrain. Many of my ducks r lining up so that feels good. I dont want to D. I just dont see any other way to save my sanity

crazyblindsided posted 1/29/2015 13:23 PM

I guess I am leaning more towards R because I haven't made an ounce of effort towards D. I'm not sure why I am so scared. My WH wants to R, says it's real now, but like you said Imissmyhusb I feel it is coming too late and how could I ever trust my WH again.

Notthevictem posted 1/29/2015 13:36 PM

I'm leaning towards R but only if she agrees to a postnup. Lawyers are still lawyering on that one. We'll see.

LastChance4Me posted 2/2/2015 12:59 PM

This may not be any help at all, not sure. I am and have been in limbo and willing, praying to R for 15 months however, am ready to D if it comes to that. She is not committed to R and seems so committed to D, but hasn't done anything to move forward with D. There is a small possibility we may go to MC. To answer the question, I think I am just leaning, maybe swaying back and forth, not sure which direction.

limbo164 posted 2/3/2015 09:26 AM

This is my first post. I'm cloudy on all the abbreviations, but I'll try. I'm not really sure about what to do here, but thought I'd just vent. It's been 5 months since D day. I'm BS. Married 17 years. 2 kids (13&15) I'm 45, WS is 46. We've been growing apart for 4 or so years. We both had been dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety, etc. But we just started to co-habbitate at some point. Any time I tried to talk about it, I feel like a met resistance. She appeared defensive and showed no affection. At the same time she accused me of the same. During the past year I tried to find time and activites for us to do, usually with litte interest. I suspected what was going on, but she denied it over and over and was angry that I didn't seem to trust her. Well, I was right to feel that way. She told me about the A, and that it was over. We are in MC, and I am in IC as well. She says she doesn't want a D right now, but says things like she doesn't know if I can make her happy or if she could make me happy. She doesn't understand why I want to save the marriage, and is having difficulty dealing with the fact she had an A, yet at the same time shows little ownership of all the past problems we've had. Almost like she owns fault for the A, but it seems she places everything leading up to it on me, although that is my opinion and she hasn't actually said that. It's been 5 months. My emotions are all over the map. Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat. Other times I'm angry. Mostly I experience constant anxiety and I'm always just tired. She says that she wants it to work out, then in the same breath says she doesn't know if it will. I've been trying to give her time and not be smothering. On the other hand I know I can't live in this state of limbo forever. I asked her outright if she is just waiting for me to be the one to call it off. She says not at all. But I told her if that is the case than I'd rather do that than to live like this for no reason. I guess by now I had thought that I would have known if we were going to D or start working on picking up the pieces. I didn't think I'd be in limbo. Lately I've been starting to mentally prepare for divorce or sepparation. It is not what I want, but I don't want this either. Recently I've been seeing glimers of actions on her part. More than I had. But it is glimmers at most. Still, baby steps I guess. My biggest fear now is that I may give up on this just a bit too soon, if it is starting to slowly go in the right direction. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I hate this limbo, I know I don't want it much longer, but I'm still afraid of quitting too soon. Then I think she was the one who had an A, so why I'm I the one putting so much effort. I'm hurt and confused, and I just don't know where to go from here. Sorry for rambling on so long.

[This message edited by limbo164 at 7:00 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]

limbo164 posted 2/3/2015 09:29 AM

Sorry, I meant my last post to be a new topic. I replied to an existing one. I'm still trying to figure out how to use this.

Kadee posted 2/6/2015 12:56 PM

I still have no idea what to do.

1. We still share the same values and aspirations and if this is fixed I have hope for a good future...

2. I am financially dependent until I finish up school. I have access to loans, but they would be huge to support myself.

3. School is exceptionally difficult (competitive professional program) and I don't want to make major changes in the middle of the year.

But at the same time I need him to do more than he is doing right now.
I also am struggling big time on focusing on studying in the middle of all this because it's fresh and uncertain and I already struggle with anxiety and obsessive thinking.

Alex1 posted 2/7/2015 07:56 AM


Sorry you are here. Limbo sucks but my best advice is to give it time. Took me years to wrap my head around my W's A's.
We have reconciled and our life is good in most ways. However, it hit me today likea ton of bricks. Yes, I do love her but I don't and probably never will trust her. The trade off is our history, kids, lifestyle, etc. the down side is probably insecurity with her to the end. Anyway, my point is time will tell and time will heal but probably not all the way.
If you feel you should get out then do it sooner than later.
I stayed for the whole package. Not sure it was the right thing but in May case the lesser of two evils.
Be strong, be patient. Work on you.

krsplat posted 2/7/2015 19:05 PM

IMMH wrote:

Is anyone else gettg their ducks in a row for possible S/D? Or r u guys mostly leang toward R?
Ducks. Row. D. We mediated a separation agreement, which WH is dragging his feel to sign. I've run the numbers again and again, and know I can make it financially if need be, although it is SERIOUSLY going to suck and I will never be able to afford to retire. Right now, I am telling myself to wait until school is over in June, and my high school senior is safely graduated and accepted to college.

I dont want to D. I just dont see any other way to save my sanity
I am SO with you on this. I don't want a D either. I wanted a long satisfying marriage, and to grow old with my best friend. He decided for the both of us that our marriage was garbage, and threw it away. Now I can choose to D and start my life over when more of it is behind me than ahead, or I can choose to continue being tied to someone who disrespected and emotionally abused me, and condone his actions through my continued presence.

chipmunk41 posted 2/7/2015 20:26 PM

I am also in limbo. I am leaning more towards D then R. My H said a little while ago that he wants a D. He hasn't done anything so far. I guess it was just talk. I am not doing anything about it either. I am just so full of fear. Fear of the unknown, I guess. For some reason I am thinking that a D is the only way to go. I can't ever be OK with what my H did. The lies, betrayal and sneaking around behind my back is just too much to bear. Sometimes I can't even stand looking at him or being in the same room. Since finding out I have changed so much. When I look in the mirror I see this bitter, miserable woman. Even if we should R, I will never get past this... What's left? Just pretending?

crazyblindsided posted 2/12/2015 14:20 PM


I'm in the same boat, feel like I'm pretending. WH now wants to go to MC after 3 years and multiple Ddays. While I don't want to throw a 20 year relationship with 2 kids down the drain I do feel like this is a battle I will never win. I too have changed and it hasn't been for the better. Hang in there!

PollyA posted 2/12/2015 20:45 PM

I realized after my last post in "Reconciliation", that I'm so unhappy, I really belong in Limbo.

My H has said from the first discovery (and the second through twentieth) of his betrayal, that he loves me soooooo much and wants to R sooooooo much.

Yet he hasn't supported me through the process. Instead, he trickle truthed and lied to MC. I'd like that money back, thank you!

He has emotionally abused me and sent me into rages with his ridiculous behavior.

But.....he hasn't cheated again.

He's just a jerk who can't deal with my questions or unhappiness or sadness. It's like we haven't begun the process of healing because he can't deal.

He's emotionally a baby and I really don't have much hope for that changing. He doesn't know how to be a partner and after a year of IC, he's decided he now understands why he cheated and that his values have changed.

Well, I guess he's good now, and I have my answer because if he's so darned sure about himself, he's sure he wants to bait and abuse me, and I'm having nothing to do with it.

What a lovely pre valentine's post!

owls4olive posted 2/17/2015 13:03 PM

MrH is kind, loving, open. What he isn't is pro-active or insightful. He hasn't followed through on regular counseling or examined his personal issues. He believes that you just let things go.


I saw this and it REALLY spoke to me (way back on the first page of this thread)... I've been leaning toward R for so long now (since Dday 1 back in about 2010), and I'm just tired. I think about myself and how I've changed since then, and how I feel much older than I really tired and dragged through the mud I feel.

While he's loving, and there for me emotionally, I feel like if I don't do things they just don't happen (both with the M and chores, so literally!), and I don't know how much more of that I can take, truly. I still love him so I really find it difficult when he cries and says he can't do it without me, well no duh he can't do it without me because he doesn't do anything.

A few days ago he changed the background on my computer to a picture of me from college, back when I was happy... and he said he wants me to be that again, but I can't. I'm not stressed out by my life, it's really quite nice, but I can't handle carrying this relationship anymore, and that's truly how I feel it is at this point. Maybe I'm being dramatic?

We've been going at this long enough that I've gone through several stages of me trying to do things to impress him and get him back on track with M and R, but I'm just not going to do it anymore... how do you decide to stop putting in more effort, but not losing all hope of R? I still want to, but I'm just not sure anymore.

crazyblindsided posted 2/17/2015 16:19 PM

how do you decide to stop putting in more effort, but not losing all hope of R? I still want to, but I'm just not sure anymore.

I am right here ^ wow how perfectly summed up this is.

(((owls4olive))) I just want to let you know you are not alone. I feel very much the same way. I also noticed you have experienced multiple D Days and False R like I have. I think it may have a lot to do with how we feel.

steppingup posted 2/17/2015 16:25 PM

I think for all BSs Limbo is a living hell everyone is in and you dont ever really get out, why?? Well for starters the "SPECIAL MAGIC" you had as a couple is spilled and getting it back is like getting back a nickel tossed into a muddy pond filled with gators.

I think the topic would have been better titled:

Support for BS on the fence about R

owls4olive posted 2/18/2015 07:20 AM

(((owls4olive))) I just want to let you know you are not alone. I feel very much the same way. I also noticed you have experienced multiple D Days and False R like I have. I think it may have a lot to do with how we feel.

Thank you so much. I suppose that's a good point, though. Not only do the multiple incidences wear on your trust, but they really work to beat the hope out of you don't they?

Sometimes I feel like I should run while I'mI'm still young, but I really do still love him and I yearn to have "us" back. I'm square on top of this stupid barbed wire fence..

heartstuck posted 2/18/2015 08:25 AM

In limbo here, too. Dday was a couple of weekends ago, and WS made it plain he'd be just as happy to go his own way, than bother with counseling. When I said I'd like to work on it, he suggested a counselor...he already had a name, and all the information, so clearly he's been planning this for a while.

The limbo part is all me, because obviously his CC is just part of his exit strategy. I'm guessing agreeing to therapy is simply playing along, since he's not attracted to me anymore, and has no interest in parenting our special needs teen.

I'm getting IC, as well, with a therapist who's worked with my son in the past, so he knows me and the kid. So, while WS is working on his alleged feelings in CC, I'm going to be figuring out what I really want independently. I know for damn sure I don't want to be anyone's fallback plan, because they're too lazy, drunk, old, and depressed to leave.

It seems I escalated very quickly from shock and sorrow to anger. No doubt, the pendulum will swing back soon enough.

baffledandhurt posted 2/18/2015 10:34 AM

I am rocking the same boat as you guys. H wouldn't want to discuss anything. he's in therapy now and I'm waiting, just waiting. Our relationship at home needs a little improvement But I'm here waiting until he got his 2nd therapy And third and I'll open my mouth and ask to talk about the situation granted that he had 3 sessions with therapist already and hopefully built a little courage to talk about it. I do feel like he is still cheating.

ReadyToRun posted 2/18/2015 13:54 PM

Newbie here.

Trying to figure out what steps to take. My DDay was Aug 2014, and everyday since then has been either really good or really bad. We've been in counseling since DDay, and he's really working hard at fixing himself and the marriage. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want. I love him and want to be with him, but infidelity was my deal breaker. I made that very clear when we first started dating. If I stay, I feel pathetic and my words mean nothing. If I go, I'm afraid I'll always wonder what if. I love him, but this shit sandwich I've been served sucks!

heartstuck posted 2/18/2015 13:57 PM

Not sure if my WS is cheating currently, or not, and it doesn't matter because I no longer believe a word he says.

Even if he doesn't have someone else, he *wants* to have someone else, and said as much in our first CC session. "I want to feel that thrill of sexual excitement again. Our sex life is miserable, and I'm afraid the best it can be is mediocre!"

Can you say midlife crisis? So...the CC says we have 90 days of this crap. I'm committed to it, but I'm also committed to protecting myself and my son. Going to my doctor tomorrow, my son's and my health comes first. I can get a lot accomplished in 90 days of limbo.

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