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Support for BS in Limbo

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oddball posted 4/15/2016 05:43 AM

Noelly & Lexie , thank you for your replies.
I do realise that I can't just confront her based on scant evidence.
The evidence is this.
My wife only has sex partly dressed, ie.
She wears some form of lingerie, baby doll nightie, basque, lacy camie knicker outfits etc.
This because she hates the stretch marks on her stomach.
When I started to suspect things, I would check her underwear draw and found that some of the bedrooms lingerie items were missing and then they were there again the next day or so.
The items included a nightie and garter belt.
I have done this sneaky check many times and 4 times.
Certain key items were missing and then present at a later date.
I can't let her know I have been checking her lingerie and undies draw.

I would like your opinions as women on this.

Do you believe that a woman who has enjoyed sex with other men (12 men between 2002 & 2007) with my approval and has openly expressed a taste for well endowed men could change ? (When I say I am not well endowed, it is not my imagination, I am well under average at 4 ins erect)
Plus the fact that she had at least 24-25 lovers before we met, plus the 6 flings that she had when we had those temp splits that she always initiated
Do you think she could change ?

oddball posted 4/15/2016 09:18 AM

Thank you papercoversrock.

Well, after that intitial split early in our relationship and then being told that she had had two brief flings and a ONS.
That was the time I said that I would be interested in SPH play within our sex life.
She took to it really well and I asked that it be played in a way that she meant what she said and used her experiences with well endowed men and would relate them to me during sex play.
I was told that the ONS was the best sexual encounter that she had had and also the most well endowed man that she had met.
I enjoyed the openess and sex was great as a result.
This then led to us inviting male guests into the equation.
Although that arrangement ended in 2007 after she had a 3 week fling with our last guest.
Btw I had seen them together twice before that.
She said that any hurt I got from that was my own doing as I had encouraged the whole situation.

However, the SPH games did continue now and then up until around 4-5 years ago and since then she has said that she can't keep going around game that again and again.
I do get that.
I have tried to get her to read some erotic based on SPH and I have seen some blogs and articles online, but here is the thing. Most guys who enjoy SPH are actually average to ample and I am below average, I am well past being hung up about being short down there by now, I know that any woman would consider a 4 inch erection to be small, in fact at least 30% below the standard expectations.
Maybe she feels that it is isn't good for me because it goes beyond fantasy and a small penis is my reality.
I assure her that I am okay with myself just as long as she doesnt tell all her friends. Lol !

Meanwhile, I am trying to spot the pattern, trying to find more evidence that she is playing away.
My next step may be trying to get to her phone to intercept a text quickly read it and take the number.
If I get anywhere with that and read a suspect text
I may contact the OM.
I have even thought about doing that by text and pretending to be her on an alternative phone.
Although the items of lingerie missing for a day are making me suspicious.
I can't treat that as solid evidence.
They could be misplaced ?

[This message edited by oddball at 9:20 AM, April 15th (Friday)]

dass posted 4/29/2016 21:27 PM

Limbo. 3+ years out, we did MC for 6 month and he has been the H he never was - you know, striving for perfection: kindness, caring, courtesy, consideration, loving touches and words and looks, all those things he hadn't done for decades. But it seems like too little too late. What I'd hoped for, wished for and finally have - only came as amends for his bad decision and life choice of an A - and now it just isn't that great life I thought it would be. Too bad he had to feel guilt in order to be the H he should have been, the father his kids wanted but he preferred the bottle as his best friend.

The first year of R was like they warn us, amazing and new, probably because I was surprised he could be so wonderful - but the gloss has worn off, maybe it wasn't really ever there. I guess the wound was too deep and no matter the amount of remorse and 180 change in my WH, it's just not as great as it would have been if it'd been sincere and not had to come about because of his A, out of regret and remorse.

So emotionally I'm in limbo. Stayed in the M, began R and MC immediately because that's my M.O., not letting things stew or linger. However, here's my personal emotions lingering, in limbo, wondering if I'll ever regain the ability to trust any living being again, be in love with any living being again in the way I used to be with him. He had it all, a great supportive wife and family, best friend and lover, and all the perks a great wife and marriage would be. He threw it away when he couldn't handle stress because he never ever wanted to learn good coping mechanisms. He wanted to drink and forget instead of cope. He decided to build himself up with an A with a homely, wart-faced skinny alcoholic loser mom who lost her kids and H, couldn't keep a relationship - guess it's what he needed.

But that's not my problem, she gave us an STD and that sucks for me, I'm damaged material now for the rest of my life. So where do I go from here? Nowhere. Limbo.

Don't get me wrong, he's better than he ever was, but all the traumatic stress just to get a better marriage, all the crap and now it's good. And I still feel numb. Numb is a better word than limbo. Numb because I can't bring myself to open my heart again and love as deeply as I used to, can't risk being ravaged again. Limbo because there's no other place to be, I am stuck in the M because of the obvious.

Dontholien posted 5/4/2016 08:06 AM

I guess im now in limbo, never saw this coming just like i never saw the latest EA coming.
Found out about an EA 9 months from our wedding date, i had been suspicious but he had insisted i was imagining things, i just didnt trust him but lo and behold that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach was right, again. I kicked him out initially without even talking about it and he seemed emotionless, like he had no issue with me kicking him out.
After about a week we started talking again, i started to regret kicking him out without even talking to him about it and be both expressed regret at what happened and we both said we missed each other. Over the next week we talked often and both said we would like to find a way to move forward and try to fix things.
On the weekend just gone when he came for our son he asked if id like to join them for a day out and i went along and we had a really lovely day, he treated me to my favourite restaurant despite my lack of appetite and we did the same again on the bank holiday Monday and spent the day together. There was hand holding, kissing, sweet nothings, smiles, it just felt like we were us again. We have never had issues apart from his straying and it was evident that when we spend time together we cant not be us.
The issue now is that he says he wants us to get back to normal but he doesnt want us to talk about everything that has happened. Hes always been the kinda guy to bottle things up but we just cant not deal with this and pretend it didnt happen. He agreed to answer any questions but only via text and not face to face because he feels he cant face me and own up to what hes done. Anyway, i ended up asking about where he stands with the OW who is also a COW and he admitted to me that she had offered him a bed and he had been staying there! He said its ongoing and that she loves him and wants to be with him but she knows he wants to get back with me and fix what hes done.

I just dont understand him at the moment. How can he be trying so hard with me but staying at her house, telling me he wants to fix things but he wont come see me to talk through things. I must be stupid, i must be an absolute idiot to still be holding on to hope right now when i dont even believe that he is staying there and not sleeping with her. All ive ever done is love him and give him my all and he broke our R for this OW who its starting to look like he wont give up. I cant give up on him, i dont know how and he keeps saying he doesnt want to give up on me or lose me but hes not trying very hard to make me feel safe and secure.
I just wish he would make up his mind and either come home and sort this out or cut me loose

notcopingwell posted 5/4/2016 16:13 PM

Dontholien, please read this:

Your WS is not interested in R if he is living with the OW. He is simply cake-eating. You shouldn't put up with that, it's not good for you.

Look after yourself and your son, you both deserve way better :)

mccloud posted 5/23/2016 00:17 AM

I feel like I am in limbo, but my WBF has already made the decision for me. He was fine to be with me, and tell me that he loves me, until his LTAP contacted me, pretending to be my "fake AP", I never cheated on my WBF but his AP wanted my WBF to believe that I had. Once I found out that my WBF was cheating on me, he no longer wanted me. It took away his power over me. But, I'm still in love with him. I'm still in shock. And I can't believe that it is over. He thought that I would leave him if I ever found out, but I didn't leave. He thought that he could change the locks on the doors, but no, I am on the lease as a co leaser. Plus this is my home. I picked it out. I decorated it. And I clean it. Just because he couldn't keep his pickle in his pocket doesn't mean I should have to leave my home. So, we are both staying here until the lease is up. In about 3 more months. Than after that, I'm not sure.

lbsgldad posted 6/1/2016 10:46 AM


I guess you can say that I am in limbo. I posted at another forum but it seems that a lot of people are keen on just cutting losses and divorcing and if you don't then you have no self respect or aren't man enough to take care of your business.

I am 44, WW is 42. We been together for 15 years, married 10. We have 4 kids, ages 18, 11, 8 and 6. She got into a PA and EA with a married cop beginning March 2014. D-Day was November 9th 2014. I moved out March of 2015.

OM had his own Dday October 30, 2015. From there the affair went underground until it stopped in December 2015. It kind of restarted in Feb 2016, but no where near as intense. Now my WW and OM see each other maybe once every 2 weeks. He no longer calls, texts or initiates any contact. It is my WW that emails once a week and tries to call. They no longer say "I love you" to each other, although my WW wants to.

My issues is I feel that I can and should wait it out. To file would mean selling the house, and both WW and I know that things would get bad in every sense of the word.

Most of what I read says that the WW returns at some point unless there was something serious like drugs or abuse involved. My WW and I spend a lot of time together, both alone and with the kids. She has admitted that she really likes the new me, but her problem is that she can't forget the last "bad" 6 years of our marriage.

We are spending more and more time together; the Month of May we spent more time together (including sleepovers) then we were apart. She says that she has considered me staying for a week or more to see how things go. I asked her why not just file, and she said that she "isn't ready to let me go yet and if she does, she is afraid of making a mistake".

I think our troubles started when we lost our son. We never really grieved for him. I still have hope because we are older, have a lot of history and other things. Am I crazy to be waiting? What are the odds that she will come back?

Merida posted 6/19/2016 16:08 PM

she "isn't ready to let me go yet and if she does, she is afraid of making a mistake"


IMO she's only digging her grave deeper by such un-remorseful behavior...

wow... please consider moving over the JFO (just found out) you will get a ton IMO of good and solid advice

limbo sucks because of indecision.

What do you want to do?

You can only control you... while you may regret the inability to connect due to grieving the loss of your son, please please please do not accept that her behavior is anything but disgusting

think about it, for a moment imagine her insanity " sure, let me become a wet hole masturbatory tool for some stranger because..." well honestly there is no excuse, just none. The broken-ness that allowed her to break her vows to you is 100% on her.

You can be in the driver's seat. Your choice. I get you wanting your safety, but honestly I question why you left. I don't care you are a man. She's the cheater and that ain't no "mom of the year" behavior worthy of being considered a safe parent IMO.

I worry about her exposing the kids to such craziness like thinking it's OK to introduce the OM. I am so angry at her disgusting level of disrespect displayed by her selfishness in stringing you along like you write it seems it's preventing her from seeing the obvious harm to her children's innocence = god, I just wanna slap your WW upside the head. You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat!

editing to add

you want off the fence? Go shock and awe and no more Mr. Nice Guy

[This message edited by Merida at 4:10 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

primrose32 posted 7/8/2016 17:59 PM

I found out a week ago that my husband cheated on me only 7 weeks ago.I keep going back and fourth do i want to stay,can i trust him again.....ever....i feel like im doing ok but then questions pop in my head,or i get angry and for no reason ill start to cry..i wake up in the morning feeling sick to my stomach..He says he loves me,says he is sorry for what he did,says he felt ashamed.I know the exact night it happend and i replay that night over in my head the way he acted,did he kiss me when he got home..did he so lost right now..i want to move forward but i dont know how.

WhatsRight posted 7/24/2016 18:38 PM

I feel like I belong here.

I am 10 years after my fwh's infidelity.

I have decided to stay, but I can't really say if that is for the right reasons - or if it is a permanent decision.

I have no reason to believe that my FWH has been unfaithful again. But he is so much like so many of your spouses. He is caring, and wants to act as if nothing is wrong. He has always said that he wants to just pretend that it didn't happen. His dream is to wake up one day and I will be "over it" and everything will be all better. I have explained REPEATEDLY that will never happen.

I, on the other hand, want him to one day have an ah ha moment and "get" the full ramifications of what he did. I'm pretty sure neither of us will get what we want.

I think I am waiting around, hoping that one day I will realize that I have truly survived this, and come out on the other side - like the quote about healing being like paint drying. One day you notice that it is dry.

One thing that I have noticed from being in limbo for so long is that I have changed as a person. I don't like people any more. I trust NOONE. I am unproductive, and in poor health. I no more enjoy being the giving person. I still AM the giving person - but I do it begrudgingly.

But I am in my 60s, and if I do not make a go of this relationship, I am D.O.N.E. And I'm not ready to be alone.

I know - a really shitty reason to stay.

heldello posted 8/13/2016 16:20 PM

I think this is another forum I belong in, WH moved out in Mar. At the moment we are on speaking terms, he tells me he loves me, but he wont be transparent, he wont answer questions about his 4yr affair, I'm at the point where I'm about ready to give up. I've stopped asking questions because there's no point, he most probably wont answer and after all the yrs of lies and months of TT, I wouldn't believe him anyway.

So, there's no relationship between us really, he talks about work and his ailments, and I'll tell him about the kids - that's it. He's being good with the kids, as involved as he can be around work schedule. And neither of us have filed for divorce. I don't even know if he's still in touch with his whore or not. He says he's not At the moment he's refusing to do any of the things I've asked for R, so that isn't even a possibility at the moment, but we are relatively friendly so I'm frightened to rock the boat, I'm not good at confrontation, but he really is, and at gaslighting and manipulation too. So, I'm effectively keeping myself in limbo

jennalias posted 8/14/2016 13:43 PM

I'm glad I found this thread. It's reassuring to see that it's normal to be in a place of indecisiveness. I always though infidelity would be a deal-breaker, that'd i'd immediately break up and move on - but reality certainly is different.

My immediate reaction was one of "I can't stay" but WBF begged and pleaded and promised to change. Said all the things I'd always wanted him to say, etc. So I hesitated, then agreed to not make any immediate decisions.

The first month it was like when we first met, and yes we did go through quite a bit of hysterical bonding. He also love bombed me .

Month two though, things are starting to fall back where they were. I'm torn between giving myself until the end of the year to decide (that was my own mental agreement) and just pulling the plug now. I look at him and I feel nothing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. Simply existing day to day. If I give myself until the end of the year that gives me time to get some financial ducks in a row, but I don't know if I want to.

heldello posted 10/9/2016 04:03 AM

Limbo sucks big time 😞 I just need to vent. I'm so tired and unhappy and lonely and frightened. Every time I think I'm ready to let go, I can't quite go through with it. Last night we had a bit of an argument, I was crying and asking him to explain his recent actions, he was out with friends and refused to come home and talk things over. He called me a name over and over and put the phone down on me. I shouldn't have started something when he was out, my anxiety had kicked in and I wanted to talk it out rather than let my imagination run away with the few facts I had. But putting me first wasn't going to happen, and calling me names... No I don't want someone like that in my life. I just wish I didn't love him, it makes me hope he can be the person he was 17yrs ago

[This message edited by heldello at 5:55 AM, October 9th (Sunday)]

Gooblish posted 10/16/2016 17:52 PM

Hi friends. I've not posted in a long time. Not sure why I am now. I keep Hoping something will change but I now realise it won't because I just can't trust WH. I cannot leave myself open to more hurt. I guess I cannot believe he can change.
We survived his first affair because I could see how we had grown apart. He went NC , shared almost any contact and we made it work. We would have surved the second if he could have gone NC and meant it. I caught him out breaking the agreement. Huge pain that almost tipped me over the edge. MC failed as he felt judged. IC helped me a lot and I'm stronger and in many ways happier than I have ever been.
So after months of false R we tried again and I hoped we'd make it but he cannot explain why he betrayed me and I cannot trust.
Part of me would leave now but DS gets married early next year and I don't want to spoil that for him . Also I'd be worse off financially, so we co exist. Separate rooms and largely separate lives. It sucks.... big time.
WH is depressed struggling to support hin mum who has dementia and is all over the place emotionally. One day he seems to be trying the next he's cold and remote. Will it ever get any better?

doigoordoistay posted 10/28/2016 12:40 PM

I don't know what to do... I look at him sometimes and think I see the man I love and want to make it work. Other times I look at him and he looks like a stranger to me. I thought I knew him, I thought I could trust him. He didn't let me know he was unhappy until the A already started. He completely disconnected from me, I now know to give himself permission to have the A in the first place. It only lasted about 2 weeks, the most miserable two weeks of my life, then he ended it and came back to me. He has been all about me. He's affectionate, he's caring, he helps around the house... he is the perfect H at this point. When he came back emotionally (he never physically left), I thought he had a chance to explore his feelings and decided he wanted to make us work. I found out a couple weeks later, that no, he didn't explore his feelings about me, he explored another woman's vagina. My friend's vagina. She left her BH got an apartment close to where my H works and worked her magic...she used MY words as her ownof o pretend to be me, and he let himself be conned by her and connected emotionally to who she was pretending to be (me). He figured it out pretty quickly, but still.. She decided to make my and my daughter's life hell after he ended it. I know this is all still fresh, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't understand how he could check out and back in. And even though his is trying, most days I feel like too little to late. I don't know what I feel for him any more. I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone that could hurt me so bad. I still have unanswered questions, but I don't know if getting those answers will allow me to allow myself to be pulled back towards him or if they'll push me farther away...

blondenblueeyed posted 12/6/2016 00:12 AM

Hedello, oh I can so relate. That is not a remorseful spouse from the sounds of things. But only you can acess your situation, no judgement here. I just tonight came to terms with the fact my wayward hasn't really stopped projecting his shit on me. And I haven't stopped letting him. So I get it I do.

2Deadinside posted 12/6/2016 01:47 AM

I'm in limbo and it feels like I walk around in a fog everyday.
It's been 2 months since my husbands confessed to cheating with his best friend's wife. First DDay 2010 and now with her . My husband is working very hard at saving our marriage. He is sincerely remorseful, he attends IC and MC, completely transparent, affectionate, loving, and often cries along with me when he was realizes the pain he has caused. Yet, I am in limbo unable make a decision of whether to stay or to end our 24 yr relationship. I can't get past the anger, resentment, betrayal , disrespected, and how he made me feel like I was nothing. I Hope counseling will help quiet my fears and give me the strength to make a decision I can live with for the rest of my life. Until then, we both suffer and wait.

soeffinglost posted 12/19/2016 09:06 AM

I'm sitting at about 3.5 months since D-Day, 2 months physically separated. I am still "technically" in limbo as neither of us has said "I want a Divorce". However, her actions most certainly indicate that she wants one. Also, I still don't have any REAL PROOF that she has had/is having an affair (other than circumstantial), and she won't admit it so that doesn't help the situation.

This thread has been a great help, thanks to all for their contributions.

I sure hope it gets better soon, as last week was a super rough one.

taw576543 posted 12/19/2016 13:38 PM

Thought I will throw myself in this thread though I think I am at the tail end of this ordeal (indecisive -- hopefully).

Wife on phone texting all the time started in Feb/March. I confronted her in April without any proof. I was told they just friends kind of things. I got the evidence in June (DD). Repeated lies until first week of Sept. I thought I was done but she begged in late Sept to stick around. It was pretty event-less since but I was thinking of leaving every single day.

I finally made up my mind last few days to call it quit. She suggested we could stay in the same house. It is not possible. Hoping to move out by Jan 1 or Feb 1.

crushedb posted 1/9/2017 17:26 PM

Anyone in a long-term BF/GF relationship and not actually married find that limbo is also just as intense?

There's nothing keeping me with him like those who are married or have kids but I still sway between staying and leaving multiple times a day. I find when I'm physically with him my inclinations to leave are much less frequent.

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