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Support for BS in Limbo

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25yrscrushed posted 1/26/2017 15:17 PM

It sounds like I belong in this Forum. My dday was in August 2016. He has never showed remorse (well maybe a day here or there - but nothing constant) but swears he loves me and wants our marriage to work. He tells everyone the same story. We are both in IC and hope to start MC soon. He appears to be numb to everything. Can't show me any affection or even have a conversation with me. But he still wants to work on our marriage. Now he thinks he needs to move out so he can clear his head. I honestly think it is an excuse and will be the beginning of the end to our marriage. Anyone go through this and their marriage survive?? Looking for hope.....

shatteredheart75 posted 1/28/2017 21:03 PM

I definitely belong here. My WH moved out to our new house on December 5. We were to slowly move into that home as a family and now it's just him there. He comes here every day and eats with us. Visits shortly then leaves again. He says he feels like crap. He went to one IC session and hasn't scheduled another one yet. I got to IC every week. We were going to MC but he walked out of our session 2 weeks ago because he was mad that I bought up his conversation with a 21 year old that works with him. I got this conversation via a VAR. He says he's explained himself and he's done talking about it.

Limbo is the worst. He texts good morning and good night and acts like he cares but it's all so odd. I can't see when this ends, either good or bad.

Numis67 posted 2/4/2017 09:17 AM

It's a head scratcher. We have every reason in the world to leave, to move on, and yet we don't.

I can only speak for myself in that I view marriage is a sacred thing. Clearly my WW doesn't or I wouldn't be on this site. I want to give my wife every possible chance to turn around, be a better wife and restore our union.

The hard part is wondering if it's going to happen again. As I've said in many other posts, I take it day by day. That's the only way I can survive this limbo.

frigidfire86 posted 2/11/2017 18:31 PM

I've been in Limbo for nearly six years. SIX YEARS. I don't even know what to say about it. I originally tried to R, then I started to get my ducks in a row for D, and now Limbo...well, I've been in Limbo for quite a while. I thought that taking some time to finish my degree, find a job (my first in 10 years), and go to IC would eventually provide me with clarity. Nope. So here I sit, waiting for...I'm not even sure.

Struggling4747 posted 2/12/2017 10:28 AM

I've been in limbo for 3 months now, but finally taking some action. I knew, and still know this entire time that I wanted R. She has been a fence sitter the entire time, and keeps re-initiating contact with the AP. Coming to this site made me finally realize that I just can't accept the status quo anymore. We've had a couple of good conversations this weekend; we are making plans for her to find somewhere else to stay and beginning to discuss the logistics of the children.

We can go directly to D here because of her A, but are currently talking separation first. I need to check in with attorney's to see if that would impact the ability to go to D under the 1-yr window, so that may play a role in the final direction we take.

This sucks... and our anniversary is in 1 week. I'm going to be a disaster on that day.

Lpngal posted 2/12/2017 16:28 PM

I am glad that I found this forum. I guess I have been in Limbo for 4 months. Thought we were slowly climbing out but recently discovered that my WH had relapsed with the OW. His demeanor this time is much different than it was immediately after Dday. He is visibly in a much darker place, says he's done with OW but when I ask him about us he says he doesn't even know what he is thinking right now. Says he is disgusted with himself, doesn't know when he became "That guy". He found his first wife in bed with another man so he knows all to well what I am going through right now. After reading some of the things in the healing library and other sources I now understand that a WS going through a grieving period is fairly common, and I want to give him the space he needs to not only come to terms with what he has done to us and to me but to figure out what he wants. He knows where I stand but stepping back and waiting to learn the fate of my M is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Runningoutofopti posted 3/25/2017 13:22 PM

I am a new member and if you read my profile you will know my whole story. But basically my situation is this. My husband cut ties with his mistress and we had begun to reconcile when she contacted him claiming to be pregnant with his child. This has been a huge setback in our reconciliation process. Now I am unsure if we will still be able to fix things. Some days it feels very possible and other days it feels like by not leaving I am only postponing the inevitable. To make matters more confusing for me, I became pregnant around the same time that the other woman did (assuming that she is telling the truth). Now on top of the thousands of emotions I would already be having, I have to differentiate what is real from what is just hormones talking.

Usedtolies posted 4/15/2017 02:31 AM

Limbo is exactly where I am too! My husband never admitted to his affair we've been married 4.5 years together for 6 he cheated the first year with several women but I never had any definite proof. He admitted to a EA with one. But there is an older whore I believe is his sugar momma. He works for her so really hard to prove anything. But everytime he needs large sums of money he goes running to her. And when he's not working for her she's begging him to come work. Really who begs their contractor??? I ran in to them together at lunch with his helper this week and I was pissed! Everytime i mention anything i'm crazy and he threatens divorce. We have a 7mo dd and 3yo dd and 22 dd about to get married or I would. I am trying hard to Trust that the Lord has a Plan in this but I understand ya'll saying your depressed, trapped and discouraged. I think that is right where they want us.

Usedtolies posted 4/15/2017 02:36 AM

crushedb. You need to leave your WBF. You're young and there are a lot of fish in the sea. I married a man who cheated on me while we were dating and it has been a nightmare since. Now there are children involved and leaving isn't that simple. I feel like i'll never be happy in this relationship. You need to find someone who really loves you.

KingJames posted 5/9/2017 03:51 AM

I'm lost and falling apart. D-day was 2/21/17. I found out WS had been having a 2 year affair, was trying to start another family and she had been pregnant and has a miscarriage. All of this was going on before we decided to have our second child.
WS wants to fix things and I'm beyond words, I'm numb, upset, confused, pissed off and feel no love right afterwards. I kicked WS out, but he was spending more time than ever withought the kids (4 and 11 momths). When he moved out our 4 yr old never asked where he was because for almost 2 years he'd never been there for us. He was always "working "

I told him around Easter that I was going out on a date and saw the guy twice. I wanted to see if I was still desirable, if I was the reason he cheated, if I actually wanted to be single and start over again. WS knew about both dates. The night of the second date, he starts talking about D and things escalate. That night he joined a dating site and see the next day met a girl and went back to her home. I never even kissed the man I went on dates with.

After finding out about the new girl, I decided to fight for our marriage and went to her house when he was there. I begged him to come home and I was ready to fix our M and eventually he came home. Things were as good as could be expected, we went on a date and had a lot of fun we also are seeing a therapist.

The issue is that I believe he's infatuated with this new woman and I can see phone history that he keeps talking to her.

I can't live like this. I've lost 40+ lbs since this began and no he tells me he's no longer attracted to me. The weight loss is stress related and directly related to him. I don't know how to pull him out of this new infatuation. It's new and exciting but not real. He's abandoning our family that he so badly wanted.

I'd like advice, it's only been 2.5 months since D-day but he's already thrown in the towel. I can't be the only one fighting for this. He's also lying to the therapist about talking to her. The MC request was 30 days without contact with anyone else for both of us.

Thank you for your time.I'm so lost and hurting badly.

32. WS 33. Married 10 years in July, together 16. Two children

[This message edited by KingJames at 3:53 AM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

pinkpolish posted 5/18/2017 17:23 PM

Guess I belong here! WS and I work with the OW. He's her boss and won't fire her. She tried to quit when I exposed them but he begged her to stay. He says it's just an EA but all sensible reasoning (he's depressed, guilty, scared, and says he's crying all the time) points to a PA in my opinion. Otherwise it doesn't make sense really...he stopped wearing his wedding ring but won't be a man and tell me that it's over. Why do this? I can't understand this at all....they've been spending a LOT of time together in the past month. Evenings, days off when I thought he was working, outings together. I found a picture of herself she sent him, I found receipts. Of course lots of VAR evidence, her in the car, their convos....I have an appt with a lawyer next week, he has a counselor appt cuz he's such as mess...I just want to be free from this pain

broken0779 posted 6/5/2017 16:15 PM

hi everyone

I am really struggling its been 15 months since d day and its been a horrendous journey. my husband had an affair slept with them once over a 5 week period. i dont know how much of that is true but its all i have. he also sent them a valentines which hurt more than anything.

after reveal which was by him not coming home one day after a night out i had to fight to stay with him, i was given details in trickle truth.

even when we were trying to fix things she was texting him after i thought the number was blocked. the number was blocked and he decided he just didnt want it in his phone anymore after 6 months and deleted it, then 4 months later she text again so he deleted it again after a massive row with me. his idea was just ignore it which i disagreed.

long story short she then started recently sending messages to his work phone and rather than tell me he kpet it from me, i only found out as something didnt feel right so i went in his phone and found her number saved as someone else. he said he doesnt remember saving it but she messaged him ad he told her not to after 6 or so messages betweem them. he is fuming i went in his phone and believes because he didnt do anything like flirting then he is right even though he agreed if she contacted him on any phone that he would tell me, he agreed that he would also ignore them so now i am back at sqaure one wondering if i can trust him again.

am i wrong? he was quite angry with me that i cant just leave it and move on, he says if i dont he will leave - i am at a loss i dont want to be treated like what i want doesnt matter he doesnt repsect me he thinks i should accept what he is saying

Mchristine posted 6/9/2017 23:36 PM

I am new to this site and learning. My first D day was 2 years ago. My fiance cheated, I cancelled the wedding. We did counselling and worked on us. Toughest shit I have ever been through. I felt that he wanted to change and was very sorry. We eloped and continued to work on the trust. In time my trust was rebuilding as was our relationship. I believed in him and had faith we could work through this, making us a stronger couple. 5 days ago my 2nd D day occured. I found a text message to Megan saying hello. My H denied anything but when I message this girl she said they knew each other from a previous job. That they text occassionally and had met for lunch a few times in the last year, nothing sexual. She had no clue of his past or that i didn't know about her. My issues is that H was texting her and deleting the messages, meeting her without my knowing for a year. His intentions are not good ones and of course he denies anything else. I know there is more as there always is. He says he's sorry and work on us again. I'm not sure I can as I would never trust him again. But I'm scared financially and I have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship. I'm scared to death to be on my own. I love him so much and can't believe I am enduring this horrible time yet again. I told him I want a D. He works out of town and thankfully I have 3 weeks to myself. I don't know what to do. I am in such a disarray and just trying to take care of myself each day. You all know the pain and what's goes with being a BS. I am so lost. So here I am day 5 after 2nd D day. Back to square one. Help me.

onason posted 6/12/2017 09:30 AM

Yup, this would be me right now.... actually maybe for the last 5 years.

WH had an affair that lasted over 1 year. He was so involved emotionally and physically it was like he had a whole other life/family with her. She even got pregnant and had an abortion!

After he finally ended it I made a point to get back in the workforce so that I could leave him. Then I got scared.... how would I live on my own with 2 small kids making $1400 a month? Rent alone here for a 2 bedroom is $1500-1600! So I got complacent and figured I'd stay for the kids sake. They didn't need to grow up poor like I did. I couldn't afford a lawyer, still can't.

So in the beginning I did beg my husband to go to counseling, read articles and books on how to heal, all of that... but he refused. He was basically out of it for 18 months and wouldn't talk about it or anything. But he made a point to always have a kid with him when he ran errands, never went out at night with friends, I always knew where he was so eventually I got comfortable that the affair was truly over.

We started connecting a little after that 18 months, going on family trips, doing bike rides and picnics with the kids, redoing our deck... it all felt somewhat normal again.

About 6-9 months ago I started having intimacy issues and became extremely turned off by him. I did not want sex and would get very angry inside when he would initiate it. I would submit and have sex but he could tell I wasn't into it. Eventually he got mad at me and all I could tell him is that I just don't have any desire to be intimate anymore and I don't know why. I also can't look at him with any feelings of love anymore. I told him that I'm done, I don't want to be with him anymore.

He freaked out, says he loves me so much and can't imagine life without me, can't imagine me with anyone else. Begs me to go to counseling and so I go to one MC session. I honestly tell her that I'm there because he wants it. We have our second session in two days and I feel like I've been looking at apartments. A friend of mine is a ingle mom and if we were roommates I could watch her kids while she works nights. My husband would be so pissed since he's already accused me of being "too close" to her and that he feels something is very suspicious. He kept asking if there is someone else. There isnt.

I'm so stuck in limbo don't know what to do

Gramnolds posted 6/23/2017 06:03 AM

I'm a few weeks out from my most recent D-day and am stuck in Limbo. We have one daughter between us and two from her previous marriage. The eldest is going to college this fall and the middle teenager has made it known that she is on the fence about living w her dad thru high school, which she starts this year.

My main concern is I feel afraid that after the two older girls leave, my WW will be more apt to stray. Our three year old has no sense of what has gone on and the other girls do. They are sick of it and are losing respect for their mom. Not only that but I also fear they are losing respect for me because I take being treated like a doormat.

I want R badly, but I don't feel like my WW shares the sentiment. She has yet to show full blown remorse and refuses to go to IC. She has said time after time she does NOT want a D. It's a marriage of convenience for her. I feel really codependent w her emotionally and what's crazy is that I am going to IC for my own issues, but cannot get past them staring down different A's, and being worried about my life after a D. I've been a wreck and want to get on better antidepressants because what I'm on does nothing for me but help sleep. I already sleep way too much having virtually no motivation to take care of myself or much of anything. Only reason I do it is for the kids because she doesn't do much. I work nights and the ones that I am home we barely speak unless I initiate it. She never initiates sex anymore and I feel like a slob being married and having to "take care" of myself just to stay sane. It's pathetic. I don't like being treated like I don't exist and putting in work when she is the one who fucked up... twice that I know of. She's got a new phone that I can't check cause it uses biometrics and am tired of attempting to spy on her life elsewhere. It's draining not trusting your spouse in such a way.

This sucks and I don't know what to do. Skipped IC last week cause I felt like shit and frankly don't see the need to keep going if I'm stuck.

smilethrupain posted 7/12/2017 17:05 PM

Saying Hi,

I belong here. Dday #1 was 9/2016. Husband is still confused about who he loves but won't close the door to the marriage. We are officially separated (more him than me) and he still sees his AP both professionally (they work together) and sexually. I feel like I'm in hell but haven't closed the door to our marriage because because I am scared. Scared to sell our house, where my son was born, scared to lose my family (in laws), scared about my income on my own (he is the top earner and support will only be for so long.) Scared to miss out on my precious son's life which will certainly be the case if we're sharing him 50/20. That one scares the shit out of me the most. So, I'm in an awfully weak position and it sucks. And the AP was a good friend before I knew. Like I confided in her.
There is nothing worse than this.

4EvaLoyal posted 7/25/2017 15:24 PM

Man, do I belong here.

WH has given apologies almost every day since D-Day (Jan. 31, 2017). He suggested MC, but refuses to get IC for himself. He says he repaired himself and knows where his boundaries are - but I don't think that's true.

I keep asking him to help me put together the timeline of his A...and he refuses, saying it won't help. He says, "yes, I did it. I am sorry. I want us to work but you keep dragging us through the torture."

He gets upset when I push back and ask for things like his cell phone records (when he has to request them from his employer). He says none of it will help.

We've been together almost 21 years - married 14. My heart says I can't walk away - that I NEED him. But my gut is telling me that he remembers things and won't share (granted, he's shared some pretty gorey stuff when I pushed him initially). Now all he says is that we've been over it. That he's accepted responsibility...but I'm the one stuck.

I'm in limbo of whether or not to accept what he did. I'm in limbo as to whether or not I should stop asking details because he says they don't matter. I'm in limbo as to whether or not I feel strong enough to start over on my own (both of our children have had behavior issues and I feel like it's a strain on them either way!).

sojourn20 posted 7/28/2017 14:14 PM

This may be a good place for me to read and post. Been in limbo for three years. One return home for six months. then left again. WS still financially responsible, no kids. I still live in our home. Picks up mail once/month usually when I'm not there. Pretty sure AP is still around. But cannot confirm. Not much contact since last return.

sojourn20 posted 7/28/2017 14:19 PM

Smilethrupain - I'm also in Calif. Can you send me a private message here? I'm new to forum and naviagating. Your situation sounds similar to mine - minus the child.

GodWillRestore posted 8/1/2017 15:15 PM

Thank you for this thread -this is where I belong. In limbo since Dday on 10/2016 mostly because of WH being uncertain of whether this M is repairable, whether we want to try to repair it.
We live together. Our kids don't know about his A. We are friends with benefits but he doesn't know if he wants M. Terrible as BS having the one who hurt you most not know if you're worth fighting for....I wait in limbo for my kids. If there's a chance we can be a happy family, I'll try whatever I can within reason. MC on hold. I need to return to IC. Good luck to all on their journeys. I'm sorry we find ourselves here.

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