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Support for BS in Limbo

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GetEvenInAZ posted 7/19/2011 19:53 PM


This is horrible!

inahurricane posted 7/19/2011 20:53 PM

Timely new thread.

Mr. Hurricane has done what needs to be done for recovery.

But I find myself in this limbo place. My love has died. I keep thinking of him as a man who broke his vow. Sometimes I want a divorce and I am rewritting our 7 year marriage as one in which I have done so much sacrificing and he repaid me with vow breaking. Other times I remember some of the incredibly difficult sacrifices he has made and realize I am rewritting our history.

So is limbo just a place at 16 months like all the other places I have been on this crappy journey? Or is this my inner self telling me to get out? I don't feel trapped so much as stuck. Emotionally stuck and it's leaving me depressed and frozen.

Ive been here before in my life at times of great indecision and it sucks. Once I've made my decision and acted it seems so obvious what I was to do but up to that point it is muddy. All I know is that this is not the life that I want. So why do I stay?

Both my sister's divorced and now in their late 50's are alone and in the poor house. Their exhusbands are doing fine, both financially and with new partners. One sister was also a BS and this lead to her divorce. I am afraid I will fall into that same place as my sisters.

If I fail at my marriage I feel that I have failed at my life. I waited to marry until I was 40. What does this say about me?

I gave up my career for my husband's. Who is going to hire a midlevel professional who is 48 and has been out of the market for 4 years? I should mention I loved what I did. I was a field wildlife biologist. It killed me to have given that up but at the same time I am 48 and Ive worked since I was 14. Im just no longer willing to start all over again at any job, so what would I do?

Mr. Hurricane can still be a real selfish weak jerk but other times he is amazingly strong and self sacrificing.

I'm in the middle of menopause and I wonder if my lack of emotional attachment has anything to do with my hormone changes.

So I wait here in this emotional dead zone uncommitted to either divorce or recovery, looking for the right direction to take.

[This message edited by inahurricane at 9:01 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

horseluvr posted 7/20/2011 10:51 AM

Hurricane, wow what an interesting job you had, your a step ahead of me. Can you go back to that, sounds like you really liked your job. Limbo is horrible, time just passes. I hope we can all find our happy place. As far as your sisters go, I have read some posts on here of women on here in their 50's that have D and say they are happier. I guess its what we make of our lives. I too have thought, Im not a youngster anymore and dont want to be alone. However, I couldnt be any lonlier than I am here with an emotionally bankrupt M. I hate to say never, but I dont think I would ever get married again.

inahurricane posted 7/20/2011 14:38 PM

Yes it was a great career. Unfortunately, the place we now live has no opening in my field and has not for the past 8 years nor are there likely to be any for another 5-10 years at which point I will likely be outcompeted by a younger generation.

To go back to my field would mean moving which ultimately would mean divorce because mr hurricane is unwilling to move. Add in the selfishness of the infidelity and I wonder why I am still married.

But than I think back on my life and I realize those moments that are the most precious are those involving relationships with other people not those involving my career path or where we live.

So how can I justify ending a relationship with a remorseful man for a new uncertain start.

All I know is it feels like that movie Groundhogs Day around here sometimes. Yes this is better than the crucible of pain I was in this time last year but the doldrums are not so swell either.

[This message edited by inahurricane at 2:39 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 7/20/2011 14:52 PM

At close to 15 years past Dday#1 I dont know if I qualify to be 1 to say that Im in limbo. But if I do. I ought to be the mayor.

I wrote a thing about a Facsimile Reconciliation. But it seems to have fallen off the edge of the world.

Most times I think limbo ends. Trust or something close to it is restored. And some shade of intimacy can be attained.

Then some times limbo just kinda becomes a way of life.
Easier for WW to keep denying blaming and lying. Easier for WW to bury every thing under the carpet.
Easier for me to just not push for any more from her. Easier for me to not trust her.

The way limbo ends most times is not within my experience. Id like to think that ending is a happy one.

But staying in limbo can be ok too. All you have to do is lower your expectations of WS. Lock up your heart. Forget your dreams of growing old together while laughing at old times. Develop friends and interests that are separate from WS. I know that sounds bad to some. But really is aint so bad. You get used to it in time.

[This message edited by Razor at 2:53 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]

icbtih8 posted 7/20/2011 15:07 PM

Inahurricane, have you thought about teaching? Maybe teaching at the local college will help you rebound from the leave of absence.

crashnburn2172 posted 7/20/2011 20:47 PM

Hi Everyone,
Guess I'm here too.

I can't get over WHs affair and I'm just stuck.

He's been honest and met all the conditions of R and its just me stuck here.

I lost a baby at 16 weeks almost 2 years ago. He lied and told everyone it wasn't his. Smeared me to everyone who'd listen to impress cumdumpster and have his family accept his A. Made my pregnancy a living hell. And when I lost it, I was completely alone. And since in Feb I found all this out, I've been in a rage. I literally have punched him in the face when he lies to me about his A. He tried TTing for awhile until I found out about him denying our baby and I had indisputable proof of it and gave him a concussion. He was trying to get MOW pregnant. And not only was I cheated on, but I feel like a failure as a woman.

That was our miracle baby. I've miscarried over and over again and it was the first time I made it past 7 weeks and I got hurt at work because he was too busy seeing her to contribute to the bills. That's where he was the nite I went to the hospital. I also had issues because I somehow developed HPV and a severe infection from him messing around and my doctor said it was just hybernating (I've only been with WH for 4 years, now I know my doc knew but wouldnt tell me).

I guess I can deal with the rest, him turning his whole family and our friends against me, moving in with her, serving me with D papers on VDay, standing me up for a romantic weekend... I just can't get over him denying our miracle and throwing our baby away to be with MOW.

neverendinghurt posted 7/20/2011 20:53 PM

(((crashburn))) I have to ask - why are you staying with him?

crashnburn2172 posted 7/20/2011 21:06 PM

I was trying for a D since he filed and got court ordered MC, retroville, and still have to continue supporting him financially until the D is over. So working full-time, running my own business, and attending college I don't have time.

He also has since moved himself back into the house and refuses to leave. The judge said I couldn't force him out until the D was final.

I guess staying right now is easiest. Detached just waiting for him to move out again I guess.

I know he won't cheat again. I know he is disgusted with himself. I know he loves me.

He just can't give me back the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world his affair took from me.

[This message edited by crashnburn2172 at 9:08 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]

neverendinghurt posted 7/20/2011 21:14 PM

Oh I didn't realise that the court could order MC.

I can understand how hurt you are.

crashnburn2172 posted 7/20/2011 21:33 PM

I heard the nitemares about it but I guess its standard procedure here. I've contemplated moving in with family for a year out of state to get it over faster but it is just one huge hassle. The best part is, he served ME, and now is contesting it.

I just don't get it. He cheats to have a SAHM and a family when he had it right here.

I thought my life was finally coming together right before his stunt in February :( now I'm going through a divorce I didn't want living in limboland with him in my face everyday. I know he means well, I just can't deal.

milia posted 7/21/2011 11:35 AM

Yesterday would have been (was) my 40th wedding anniversary.

Thank God, it wasn't as bad as last year.

I managed to keep myself so busy running errands most of the day that I didn't have time to dwell on the "might have beens". Until the evening...then the doldrums set in.

Since we live pretty much separate lives here in limbo, the day went entirely unacknowledged by him. Not sure what he could have done or said to make any difference.

I guess it just hurts to know that I've lost so much and there is no one other than me to acknowledge my loss. It just hurts to know that I don't matter anymore.

Don't know what the point of posting is. I guess I just need to vent about how sucky it all is. Hopefully all this becomes less sad and painful in time.

Thanks for listening.

neverendinghurt posted 7/21/2011 13:17 PM


You do matter.

And while it is okay to grieve what you have lost, it's important to look to the future to, to live every day.

Life's too short to do anything else.

milia posted 7/21/2011 16:57 PM

Thanks for the support and kind words NEH...very much appreciated.

While on a rational level I get that I matter...sometimes it just doesn't feel like know?

WH could care less, no real friends IRL, no job to go to (still looking), an only child, so no siblings to share with, parents gone, adult kids who frankly are ready for me to be over this, so can't really talk in depth to them. Woo hoo - all there is IRL is my IC, who while supportive and a good listener, doesn't really count. It's her job to be there.

Sometimes, as we all know, it just gets unbearable at times, and lo and behold, meltdown happens.

So, had my pity party, dried my tears and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Hugs to every damn one of us going through this crap!

horseluvr posted 7/22/2011 13:52 PM

@Razor, what you said in the last paragraph of your post, is what I am so afraid of happening( i dont know how to paste other posters things on here )
I see that happening if I don't make a move and it scares the hell out of me.

horseluvr posted 7/22/2011 14:04 PM

@crash/burn Im so very sorry that you lost your baby. That is going to be difficult to get over as you already know..Hoping you have peace and joy again.

@milia..Your friends her at SI care. We are all in the same yucky boat, just different stories as to how we got here. I hope happiness is coming your way soon.

SabinatheOwl posted 7/24/2011 19:45 PM

Hi all! I copied part of Razor's post re: fascimile R into my journal a while ago. Below is what I saved. It isn't everything, but it's a portion of what was written:

FAX R by Razor

For me facsimile R is me staying in me M for allot of reasons other than love. Kids. Finances. And just huge complications and nastyness that goes with D keeps me where I am. WW has little R. Still blames me for her LTA. She still holds secret things she knows I want to know. But I honestly dont think she will take up a A again. Nor do I think she will contact OM again. I do actively keep tabs on her tho. No demands from me. No controlling. She is free to do as she chooses. But I will find out if she crosses a boundary and if she does then that will be the end. Until she crosses that boundary I stay in the M. And I must say that I am reasonable happy with my facsimile R and my facsimile M. How is that? The trick is to really get with the 180. I needed to move the importance of my M away from me, and move the importance of me self closer. Make the M number 2 or number 3, or 4 even. I have the M. Its there when I want it. But I dont plan me life around it. I have stopped defining me self in terms of the M or my WW. I let the M be there and get pleasure from it. But dont let the M become my only source of pleasure or even a major source of happiness. Instead I make the M ONE OF MANY sources of pleasure in my life. I have branched out. Found a new hobby. Went back to school. Started a new career. Learnt new things. Join a gym. Got fit. Started taking fitness classes. I have met new people. Enlarged my social circle. The more I made me self the most important person in my life, and the more I made the M less important, the happier I became. And the more successful and content I am with a facsimile R. My boys are grown men now and all are M. Oldest lives 1000 mile away so we only see him 2 or 3 time a year. The other 2 families we see at least a couple time a month. WW and I go out on dates. We do allot of stuff together. And our relationship is fine. WW just wants to bury her LTA. And for many years I struggled with that. To have TRUE R I needed the LTA to be dealt with and me and WW have allot of conflicts over that. Now that I have given up and settled with a facsimile R she has kinda gotten what she wanted. I have given up getting what I wanted as far as R and M goes. I gave up on that because the struggle just was tearing every thing apart. I gave up and just accepted that this is the way the M and R is going to be. A facsimile. In truth in all outward ways me and WW seem happy and content. And in fact WW may be happy. I dunno. And I dont care. For me realizing that I was never going to get what I wanted and struggling for what was impossible to attain just was creating more resistance and bad feelings. All that led to giving up and just accepting that this is what my M was going to be. And that led to a kind of contentment. For me this was the right answer. As I said. WW is NEVER going to get it. NEVER will she have empathy. NEVER will she have remorse other than for her self. AND for allot of complicated and interconnected reasons I need to stay in the M. So for me the facsimile was the best path to follow. If WW chooses to be with OM thats just fine with me. Hell. Ill help her pack and sincerely wish her many good days. But those good days will be far from me. Do I love WW. No. Not at all. Hell. I barely *like* her. She is fun and amusing to be with. We have a common history and she makes for good convo. If she leaves and the M ends it is not the end of my world. I will remain quite content because neither she nor the M are a prime focus of me life.

Hope this helps the discussion along!

P.S. Thanks for the kind words, GetEveninAZ!
~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:47 PM, July 24th (Sunday)]

Secondbestiguess posted 7/25/2011 15:36 PM

I'm here too. Not fun! He wants to just go back to the way things were, but it's not possible. Even though he's "NC" he still won't let her go.
I'm so sick of feeling like the outsider in my M, but not ready to let go yet.
(((hugs))) to everyone.

milia posted 7/26/2011 18:51 PM

Just re-read Fax R by Razor that Sabina re-posted for us.
I remember it from the first time it was posted.

All I can say is I wish I were as strong as Razor.

The longer this goes on without WH giving me what I need is like he is telling me that I am a POS whose feelings and needs do not matter.
How can you ignore that? That is one huge elephant in every room in the house.

I haven't yet figured out how to just ignore it. I'm not even sure it is even possible.

Kudos to Razor though, I want to be like him when I grow up!

Hugs to all.

sadyettrying posted 7/26/2011 19:15 PM

I'm another in limbo - thank you for this thread! It has been over 16 months since DDay. H's affair was many, many years ago, but I only found out last year. H has done most everything I would want, but yet I am stuck and have no idea how to get unstuck.
Once my youngest heads back to college in the fall, I am hoping to be off by myself for awhile to perhaps clear my head. My head has been anything but clear for so long now...

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