Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Madhatters Only Thread

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

IHatePickingName posted 12/31/2019 14:27 PM

Hi! I think we only have to post as WS in the WS forum. Plus not post in JFO at all. Dont worry about your timeline being a mess. Post it whenever you can, if you want. Or dont. I posted mine recently because my husband asked me to combine his and mine so he could see how they line up. I am better with dates and keep them all in my head, while he struggles to remember.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/31/2019 15:10 PM

IHPN is right. The goal is to avoid triggering BSes with posts from a WS in what would otherwise be a safe space. That's the same reason that a BS who isn't a MH can't post on stop signed threads in the Wayward Forum. We can, but not from a BS perspective. That protects WS when they need to discuss something that is likely to derail with triggered BS input.

Most MH tend to identify more on one end of the spectrum than the other. I see my work here as a reforming WW, and I rarely wear my BW hat. Another MH who posts frequently is divorcing a serial cheater and had a single, heavily triggered ONS on D-Day. She identifies primarily as a BS, and I'd say that the BS community agrees with that assessment. As a result, she moves a little more freely around the forums than I do, but neither of us can post in JFO.

IHatePickingName posted 12/31/2019 15:52 PM

I agree with not being able to post in JFO, because we count as WS. I agree with not posting on stop signed threads as a BS, because BS are blocked. But i find it weird to not be able to post on other WS threads as either, or more often, both. It feels inauthentic.

Buck posted 12/31/2019 16:27 PM

I'm somewhat new here. I also feel awkward posting in most threads. I'm super careful about what I say too. The last thing I want to do is cause someone at SI more pain. Where is the best place to post your "story" and to get relevant input? I'm worried if I post on general I'm going to get the RA haters generating too much noise in the thread to get any good input. Is it okay to post in that stuff in the WS thread even though I'm a MH?

This thread is somewhat eye opening to me and I've been reading it for a few days now. I also mostly identify as a BH, I was betrayed before I cheated.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/31/2019 19:19 PM

I agree with not being able to post in JFO, because we count as WS. I agree with not posting on stop signed threads as a BS, because BS are blocked. But i find it weird to not be able to post on other WS threads as either, or more often, both. It feels inauthentic.
I double checked with a mod and confirmed that if there's no stop sign, MH can post in Wayward from either perspective.

ETA: I believe that this policy refers only to commenting, though. Since BS can't start threads in Wayward, I assume MH can't start threads there from a solely BS perspective.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:24 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

IHatePickingName posted 1/1/2020 05:58 AM

Thank you BSR. That helps.

Buck, you can post it in WS, but only if you post from your WS perspective. So you would only get responses on that part. I would say general would be best for a rounded response, even if it does generate some noise as well.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/1/2020 17:37 PM

Hey guys! I will try to break this down for yall.

1. No posting in JFO at all.
Youre assessment is correct in that new members coming in will find it very triggering.

2. When posting on a stop sign in the wayward forum, it must be from a WS perspective. The stop sign indicates that the poster is asking for input only from WS members.

3. Madhatters can start a thread in wayward, but it has to be from a wayward perspective as its a protected forum.

4. Madhatters can post on any thread in the wayward forum that does not have a stop sign from any perspective they choose. Depending on the thread, you may have more to offer from one side of the coin or other...even both if it seems relevant.

5. You may start threads in other forums based on what your current needs or situations are. For example, if you are struggling in areas that relate to reconciling, post in Reconciliation. If you need advice about separating or divorce, that is the forum to go to. If you are trying to heal from wayward behavior, post there, from feelings of betrayal post in General.

Like BSR said, most MHs identify more with one label or another. The best advice I can give to you is post where you are most comfortable.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have anymore questions.

CantGetRight2020 posted 1/1/2020 18:20 PM

duplicate post. Please support this member in Wayward Forum.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643272

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:16 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 1/1/2020 19:11 PM

Thanks, WOE!

I guess the only other guideline I can think to clarify is the policy for "BS vent" threads in the General forum. Are they off limits to madhatters entirely, as in JFO, or is it a "use your best judgement" scenario if a MH feels they have something to offer from a BS perspective? (I understand that WS perspectives are clearly forbidden in venting threads, regardless of status.)

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/1/2020 19:18 PM

Yes, use your best judgement and only from a BS perspective on vent threads.

BraveSirRobin posted 1/1/2020 19:26 PM

CantGetRight, I am so, so sorry. What a painful story.

I wish I had more advice to offer than the obvious one that it sounds like both you and your husband desperately need individual counseling before you can work on your marriage. There's just so much pain, trauma, resentment, fear and distrust to unpack, and ignoring his A won't fix it for either one of you.

Welcome to SI, the club no one wants to join... but there are some amazing, supportive people here. I hope you'll "meet" more of them soon. Posting in Wayward will get you in touch with more perspectives than our little out-of-the-way thread, and since it's protected, it will be a gentler place to get acclimated than General. Keep the stop sign off if you want to hear from BS. I recommend that foggy waywards use the stop sign at first, but in your case, I think you really need to connect with those betrayed voices.

((CGR))

IHatePickingName posted 1/2/2020 17:53 PM

Thank you very much for clarifying the rules. That makes much more sense and is a lot easier for me to follow than i was interpreting it. It makes the site much more useful to me again. It was very hard for me to decide to own up to my MH title here, because i do identify so strongly as a BW that it was hard to feel excluded from talking about it. Then conversely, i felt like saying that meant i wasnt owning the wayward hat i also wore. It feels like i am a kid, saying "but what he did was worse!" Even when it demonstrably was, both in actions and effects. Its all me, not the site. I struggle to accept that i am deserving of support because i am not innocent. It really helps to hear that most MH identify more one way or the other. Once again, we arent all that unique, over here in infidelity land.

[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 5:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

onlytime posted 1/4/2020 10:36 AM

@IHatePickingName

I struggle to accept that i am deserving of support because i am not innocent.

I want to encourage you to really take some time and think about the following question:

Why do you feel that not being "innocent" makes you less deserving of support?

I also want to encourage you to look into Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion. She's got some really good videos online (you can find mod-approved links to some of them in my profile).


IHatePickingName posted 1/4/2020 12:23 PM

Thank you, onlytime, i will look them up.

I have done a lot of work on this or similar actually. I recognize it is disordered thinking, and it follows my primary form of it, which is self depreciation. I have been in treatment for anxiety and depression my entire adult life, and i always end up back at this same point, where i catch myself doubting i deserve support, kind treatment, or help.

It has some origins in my childhood, where i was always expected to be perfect because i was gifted and well behaved. I was told over and over that i needed to help others and didnt need help myself, and that my successes didnt matter because it was easy for me. Even when it wasnt. My mom relied on me as an oldest child, and i see as an adult that she is a narsisist so i can only imagine that the same ways she inspires this feeling in me now happened then too. I limit contact with her now fairly severely which helps keep this at bay.

I am usually better at recognizing it now and challenging the thoughts. But i am still pretty damaged and only 5 months from being suicidal after fill disclosure from my husband, and my coping mechanisms are overwhelmed coping with that so i slip. This is one area i keep slipping in, because i project my extreme pain from his actions onto my actions and it makes them seem so much worse than they were. And i recognize that shouldnt matter because i never doubted that *he* deserves help.

At this point in my recovery, i am able to do breathing exercises to calm down after i trigger but i cant see the falsehoods without external checks. So i post the thoughts here so people lime you and BSR tell me i am wrong. Then, when the feelings come back, i have facts to challenge them. (Which is one of my main strategies of coping with disordered thinking).

So i guess i *know* it doesnt make me less deserving. It just makes me *feel* less deserving. And if i let that feeling sit without saying it, i cant challenge its veracity.

[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 12:25 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Neanderthal posted 1/4/2020 21:31 PM

Why do you feel that not being "innocent" makes you less deserving of support?
I know this was directed at IHPN, but it's something I struggle with as well.

In my case I started the vicious cycle of infidelity. I'll never know if my wife would have cheated, had I not wrecked her first. I feel strongly that I contributed to it. Yet I still very much feel like a BS. Stupendously hypocritical of me.

Another reason why I feel less deserving is in fact SI.com. Its not SI's fault. It's just the way it is. Let me explain.

Before DDay, I didn't really care what others thought of me, especially internet strangers. Since DDay, I am completely at the mercy of others. At first it was because I couldn't think straight and needed guidance. Which I'm grateful SI didn't toss me out of JFO early on. JFO really did save me. Although I'm stronger now, everyone's opinion hits me very hard. The take what you need and leave the rest mantra doesn't work for me while I'm broken mentally. EVERYTHING said has a huge impact. All it takes is a few reminders from internet strangers that I'm the cause of all this, and Bam, I no longer feel deserving of help. More importantly I no longer feel I deserve to feel. I can't be mad at my wife, it's my fault after all. So who am I mad at? You guessed it....me.

i always end up back at this same point, where i catch myself doubting i deserve support, kind treatment, or help.
this has been me, since I was old enough to know of myself as a person. I am my father's son after all. The devil's spawn. So for the first time that I can remember. I'm reverting back to how I coped as a child. Build fucking walls. I don't need anybody! I'll figure it all out, and show them I'm better than my father. Turns out they were right and I was wrong. I am no better. So I'll probably never let anyone else close to me again.

BraveSirRobin posted 1/5/2020 12:18 PM

I'm here from the other side, Neanderthal. My BH cheated on me first. He didn't tell me, but it influenced the way he interacted with me and contributed to how I ended up dating OM (it was BH, not me, who brought up the idea of seeing other people). And I'm here to tell you: all I needed was for him to acknowledge that. I was angry at the illogical version of events where he had no responsibility for manipulating and deceiving me, but that is NOT the same as responsibility for my A. I may have been confused and insecure, but I decided what to do with those feelings. I didn't break up with him. I didn't demand a clearer commitment. I was a thinking person with my own values and autonomy over my own body, and what I did with them is on me.

I hope you and LD can turn the self-loathing into compassion for each other. The wounds that we give each other fester if unacknowledged, which is why TT destroys many relationships that might have survived infidelity. Now that it's on the table, neither of you should feel badly about the other's actions being a deal breaker, and neither of you should take responsibility for each other's choices. I know that's easier said than done, but I know it can be done, because BH and I are getting further and further down that path. Do what I should have done years ago. Own your own shit and don't feel guilty for expecting her to own hers.

Neanderthal posted 1/5/2020 13:31 PM

I hope you and LD can turn the self-loathing into compassion for each other.
I don't believe those things must be mutually exclusive. I feel awful knowing she's in pain, but I also don't believe I can help her without compromising me.

BraveSirRobin posted 1/5/2020 18:28 PM

I don't believe those things must be mutually exclusive. I feel awful knowing she's in pain, but I also don't believe I can help her without compromising me.
Good point. I didn't mean to imply that those feelings are either-or. Empathy shouldn't extend to putting your own healing at risk.

SuddenImpression posted 1/8/2020 13:07 PM

Figured I would post here.

I'm having a really shitty day. Probably the most down in a while, which I guess isn't saying much in this short time frame.

I just need to vent to my WGF, (ex? idk at this point) over text and she just isn't giving it.

I think I'm gonna take a break from work to just cry in the bathroom for a few minutes to get back into the zone and get shit done. I hope everyone else is having a much better day/week/month/life

Neanderthal posted 1/14/2020 06:50 AM

Those of you who that have a spouse on SI, how do you make it work? For example, should I stay out of the wayward section and continue to post in the general section? Am I missing anything by doing so?

Am I pretending to be on some moral high ground by doing so?

I want to work on issues seperately (BS/WS hat). Can that be done in my original thread?


I had myself blocked from the Wayward section a while back. That doesn't have to continue though.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy