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N P D Thread - Part 14

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veritas posted 12/9/2014 02:28 AM

(((hugs))) to all of the new tribe members.

Mine is *still* trying to engage me, after me filing for divorce in 2009, getting legally divorced in 2013, and still not having a legal settlement.

I still hold out hope that once the legal settlement is over, he will stop.

jjct posted 12/9/2014 04:22 AM

:::WAVES::: at v!
Where u been?
I?
I been missing u!
v, you were my voice of reason when I first got here. My sanity-saver.
Soooo good to see you!
Hope your walls are high and thick - disregard his climbing attempts, he's a bastige.

Futurefear, listen, you just have to stop engaging. Bit by bit.
Re-read your last post - go. Do you see the hook he's using to get you engaged?

(All together now Tribe!...He's.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..
.
.
.
.
.
"sad"...
He be water -
You.
Be a duck's back.

Izzit time for a zebraduck pic yathink v?
lmao!

Kajem posted 12/9/2014 06:08 AM

Jj.... It's time!

Veritas, welcome back.

Futurefear, everything your stbx said is very similar to my xhs justifications. Add in money and you've got his reasons for having an affair.

Reason it out in your head. The steps to have an affair are varied and small. A little talking, some small emotional connection made, a little flirting, more personal stuff shared, more flirting, deeper personal stuff, more time stolen from family, then sex.

At every turn he made the choice to engage with her and put his family last. Every. Single. Time. If he was that unhappy, why not say something to you? At any given time, he could have made a different choice and put his family ahead of the AP. He didn't and he still doesn't.

His words may say one thing, but his actions are telling you the truth. Don't listen to what he's saying. What are his actions telling you?

Hugs,
K

Josey01 posted 12/10/2014 17:39 PM

So after 5-6 days I broke down and listened to the song he wanted me to hear. Googled The Voices version of "The Borrowers Daughter". Basically says I jack it all up and then " I can't take my eyes off you, I want you" etc..... It made me mad that he's needling me in this way. After 12 years if this why can't he just let me go and leave me alone and LET me get string??? It makes me sad that he's so sick and that I'm so sad always. I have not responded in any way..... But omg...

Kajem posted 12/11/2014 09:27 AM

((((((Josey))))))

Commend yourself for opening the link on YOUR timeframe - not his! It allows you to think about and be aware of your healing and strength!! Anger IS warranted, you deserve more.

He doesn't SEE you or your needs, its all about him.

It took me going NC to see it, I wax too immersed to see just how much I put him before me. Getting angry, realizing my life wasn't about him helped propel my healing and regaining my strength to take more steps forward. It all came with the pain of letting go.

It's ok, we're here, supporting you through the painful steps. It does get easier, then better..and somewhere along the way you become empowered with your strength.

Its a marathon,

Hugs,
K

Futurefear posted 12/11/2014 12:44 PM

Reason it out in your head. The steps to have an affair are varied and small. A little talking, some small emotional connection made, a little flirting, more personal stuff shared, more flirting, deeper personal stuff, more time stolen from family, then sex.

At every turn he made the choice to engage with her and put his family last. Every. Single. Time. If he was that unhappy, why not say something to you? At any given time, he could have made a different choice and put his family ahead of the AP. He didn't and he still doesn't.

His words may say one thing, but his actions are telling you the truth. Don't listen to what he's saying. What are his actions telling you?

I'm printing this out and reading it everyday. My head and heart are in 2 different places and I'm so so tired of dealing with all this crap.
Truth is I've been f'd over by a jerk who could give 2 craps about me or the kids. His words to everyone say how 'much the kids mean to him' and 'I will always love FF however we have different future goals, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain. I wanted a partner, a wife, not just a Mom...'
That is my struggle-grieving the past, the good times, the man I married and looking toward the unknown future.

futurehoper posted 12/11/2014 17:56 PM

I am hoping some of you can give me some advice. I don't think my WH is a classic narcissist, but he has definitely been acting narcissistic for the past 1+year.
I am really needing some advice for divorcing such a person. I feel like I can't have a productive conversation with him. Just anything simple, related to finances, for instance, gets twisted and I get so much meanness spewed at me, it just kills. For example, I sent a short text this morning, saying that I think we need to consider selling the house, as we have a military VA loan but I will not qualify to take this loan over. I can afford the payments, but will need to refinance into a traditional loan and will drain my savings by buying him out of the equity and putting a down payment. It was a simple text. It got twisted by him into him calling me insane, foolish, naive, antagonistic, fussy, always have to be right, always have to be in control, impossible...Multiple times he said 'this is why I want to divorce you'. Gosh, it just kills to hear that. I was just trying to be realistic with finances, and I got such a backlash. I suppose I can just leave any talk for when we meet with our attorneys. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

jjct posted 12/11/2014 18:32 PM

Well, keep any talk attorney-related. "talk to my attorney.", or "I'll have to talk to my attorney" are good distancing tools to use.
Not engaging, that's your goal.
The less you engage the better for you.

jjct posted 12/11/2014 18:37 PM

<<<searches back pockets for v's zebraducks pic,
can't find it! Hep me! hep me pleeze!

futurehoper posted 12/11/2014 18:40 PM

Please share your best tools for not engaging! It is so difficult. I will go several days, then something comes up, and my natural instinct is to think - this just needs a quick heads up...too often gets misconstrued.

Kajem posted 12/11/2014 19:23 PM

FF,

Sweetie, observe his actions like a silent movie. Pick any recent day, play that day in your head like a movie with the sound on mute. What do you see?

You have young kids, if you weren't a mom to them who would be? He wanted you focused on him, when your focus went to your kids, he acted like a child. Got jealous and went searching for ego kibbles elsewhere. He could have talked to you, given you help with the kids, chores, responsibilities of the household. In other words invested HIS ATTENTION in HIS family. Instead he decided to get kibbles from outside the marriage.

I wasn't the best wife, and he wasn't the best husband. We were both in the same marriage, I didn't cheat! Neither did you! Cheating landed him on the shitty husband list. It was his choices that lead him on the path to shitty husband.

Please don't own his choices. They aren't your choices to own.

My xh used to tell me his affair was my fault. If I _____(fill in the blank)and he wouldn't have had to have an affair. After hearing this for over a year, I got mad. I'm Irish, we do mad REALLY well! I asked him when did I force him to have sex with him. I even waited for an answer. Then I told him I don't remember putting a gun to his head telling him to fuck her, and kept it there while he played hide the pickle. Unless someone else was pointing a loaded gun to his head, it was his choice to have an affair.

That's my reasoning, and I'm sticking with it.

Hugs,
K


Kajem posted 12/11/2014 19:36 PM

Futurehope, welcome to the tribe!

My divorce was relatively easy compared to some. Basically he wanted out, had been skimming (stealing) funds for a year. So he was almost nice. After the divorce and dealing with kids and visitation... Yikes! My xh/ow found like your STBX.

I only communicated thru email. I was on another forum at the time, and a friend from there would read his emails to me and let me know what I needed to address. I did the same for her with her XH/OW. We would forward the xs emails and copy and paste the parts not containing the vitrol. Is there someone you trust that can do it for you?

I know it really helped us to gain strength. When we could handle it on our own, a quick check for question marks. If it doesn't have a question, it doesn't need an answer.

Hugs, and welcome.
K

futurehoper posted 12/11/2014 20:30 PM

Thanks for all your wonderful advice Kajem. I think I keep trying to connect with that person I thought he was for 25 years. I feel lost, because I have no family (other than my amazing 2 kids, and my grandmother who I am close to but who has advanced alzheimers and has no idea who I am; she has lived with me for 2.5 years since my mom passed). I feel so lonely. I do have a few close girlfriends, but there is only so much anyone can listen to another's problems. I don't like to dump too much on anyone. I was doing really well while on an antidepressant, but it gave me horrible night sweats so I stopped it. I think I need to get on another.
It does not help that I am trying to prolong the divorce process for another year - so I can get the military tricare insurance for life. That is a huge benefit and I would really like to have it.

woundedby2 posted 12/12/2014 02:13 AM

Voila! One ZebraDuck complete with horns!

Be strong. Value yourself. Do not engage.

Repeat after me:
No Contact = No new hurts

Kajem posted 12/12/2014 05:44 AM

Fat fingers small phone uggh!!!


Wb2!!!!!!!

Love the horny z-duck!!!!!!

[This message edited by Kajem at 5:49 AM, December 12th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 12/12/2014 05:46 AM

FH,

Bring it hear. You'll get awesome support. Hopefully it will free you jp to have some (much needed) fun times with friends.

As far as waiting a year. Who filed? Can you just postpone things for a year? Would he agree to wait a year? You indicate he might not be far into the npd spectrum, so I'll ask what you think? If its something he knows you want, will he use it to control you? Play what I call the Worst Case Scenario Game. In a worst case scenario, is he capable of denying you lifetime insurance because he wants _____? My XH can be the nicest guy in the world. Cross him and he will find away to make you suffer. If he feels taken advantage of, you will suffer. In fact if he feels any bad feelings because of you, you will suffer.

His methods are covert, so it doesn't always seem like he's involved. It has come out on many things, his hand was working his retribution magic behind the scenes. If I wanted something from him, I would take my lessons from him and keep it secret. Bide my time to get what I wanted.

Hugs,
K

futurehoper posted 12/12/2014 08:44 AM

Wounded: must make that my mantra: no contact = no new hurts. repeat repeat repeat.

Josey01 posted 12/12/2014 15:44 PM

Okay so last night my XH drove slowly through the parking lot of the gym I work at. You can see me through the huge windows- imagine looking into a fish tank. I just stood there staring at him as he drove by. Then he started calling the gym phone over and over, I have him blocked on cell. Then the emails started, asking me to call him. I finally responded and simply said "I can".... His response was "'okay then, I tried" . Tried what?????????? Now I can't even look at my emails. Anxiety through the roof!!! He chose this mess!!!! Not me!

Kajem posted 12/12/2014 17:59 PM

Josey,

First - Breathe.... And again.

What is the worst case scenario in those emails? Think of the absolute worst things he can put in them. Can you forward them to a trusted friend and as friend to pull out the stuff that needs dealing with or needs answers?

Breathe.....

Hugs
K

jjct posted 12/12/2014 18:12 PM

I tried is the lie he's telling himself and selling,
to mask his actions from
oh, you know...smelling.

One good piece of advice on here (from sadtoo IIRC), is to listen real closely to the words they use. You get to the point where you really hear their lies, and what they're telling themselves (and those in their toxic orbit)...so you can see, and USE the lies to your benefit. We already know it's about them, and desperately seeking supply- whatever they say - it's about that.

Post them on here, or mull them around (remember the stock phrases for replying, and leaving them thinking you're interested in what they say, bc NC=no new hurts. I did a thing called the 90 about some of that)...how to protect yourself.
Do. Protect yourself.

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