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N P D Thread - Part 14

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sadone29 posted 12/22/2014 11:48 AM

Thanks Kajem! I don't have a cell phone. I'm going to ask my mother for hers to be on the safe side.

luv2swim, awesome post! I'm really bad at protecting myself. I feel guilt at the way I guard my responses. I keep telling him things too soon. I'm keeping my mouth shut finally. I'm protecting myself and I have every right. I keep having to remind myself. Life has been so distorted with him. I constantly feel like not giving him everything, unconditional love, respect, etc makes me a horrible person.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm the bad one.

futurehoper posted 12/22/2014 13:51 PM

Kajem and Luv2Swim: Love your wisdom and insight...thank you!

Wiserallthetime posted 12/22/2014 15:15 PM

Sadone, if your situation is similar to mine, you feel like the bad one because he trained you to feel that way.... Because, even when you were giving him everything, unconditional love, respect, etc., he complained, saying you were not actually doing so. Mine was doing nothing toward trying to fix our marriage while we were in MC; in fact, he was semi-secretly (because I found out as he didn't hide it very well, maybe on purpose) dating FBFF/MOW during this time instead. (I told the MC the whole time he had both feet out the door, but was trying to get me to close it behind him so he would not be made into the bad guy, something he simply cannot be seen as being....) Yet, he projected on me, saying I was not trying, when I was giving every bit of me I had and could, to no avail....

So, what do you think that is going to do when you actually do pull back, to protect yourself and re-group emotionally? According to him, you were already "not doing enough" when you were giving it your all, so not giving anything has to be a thousand times worse, in our own minds....

Reality? He hasn't been giving anything for a very long time, if ever, so he has no right to be making complaints, and we shouldn't be providing those complaints to him, even if only in our own minds....

southsidecali posted 12/23/2014 01:18 AM

I have been away because life has interfered.

I keep getting "surprised" by EXnpd, bringing the gf to custody trade off, refusing to provide for kids to sleep while visiting, to having me provide everything they need while visiting with him.

To top it off I think the attorney that is supposed to be helping me has no clue how to deal with NPD.

He cut off all contact with kids, no email or phone calls, NOTHING. Of course that is his way of abusing the kids.

If he cuts off contact with them, it gives them no choice but to accept whatever he is willing to give them, he is teaching them to lower their expectations and since they are young, and don't have choice..he will use them to punish me and them.

I am so amazed by the posts recently because I so needed reinforcement on dealing with the assclown ex and his even worst NPD psycho gf. She yelled at me about being bitter because he choose her?! I don't know who is worst, her or him. although they are in their honeymoon phase, I just laugh & Giggle because I know they are with masks firmly in place, controlling and manipulating each other under the guise of "true love" lol...

I hate the hurt my kids are going through and wish I could change it, however, I am going to have to thank them both for helping my kids LOVE me even more. ALL their crappy actions reinforces to them how much I love and do for them..they make my parenting easy. Granted I still have to work with the kids on the dysfunctional way we handled things, I feel it is making me a better parent.

I cycle between anger at the situation because I feel stuck but at the same time- I have been truly blessed and have had so many people come out of woodwork for me & kids we feel very loved and appreciated- way more than he ever did or could.

I am focusing on the silver lining, at least until next time he ramps up. Right now I am working on getting the parallel parenting in place to present to the courts and hoping that things get easier.

I love all the sound advice for those that have been through this and my heart aches for those that are barely becoming aware of the crazyniess of it all.

I too thought I had stealthy walked away and thought I was almost gone, but even with a gf/fiancee- he is still trying to control me.

luv2swim posted 12/23/2014 02:08 AM

As we shift from one year to the next, what little wisdom I wish to pass along to those who are walking a similar journey to mine (extracting from the confusion of an NPD/BPD spouse) is to stand on your own "granite". To recognize what it is YOU and if applicable YOUR CHILDREN need. And not buy-in to the craziness of your spouse (ex). Put your BIG GIRL/BIG BOY pants on. Walk your life forward now, irrespective of the goofiness of your spouse (soon to be X?).

As 2015 approaches, I invite all the cheated upon spouses to stay in THEIR lives, their business, and focus upon what it is THEY need to do for their best life/their children. My belief is that our NPD/BPD spouses are focused upon only the self. They can not be good fathers/mothers. They lack something that allows them to be good mothers/fathers. So, we step forward. We provide, and do. And, because of us, our children thrive.

For me, I can no longer be the victim of my ex's issues. I walk my own path in MY life, and in this I try to be the best person I can. I try to be the best parent to our children I can. And, I no longer condemn my ex. I do not pretend to understand him. Nor, do I apologize for marrying him, or loving him.

Things were. I am grateful.
Gratitude... joy...
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

woundedby2 posted 12/23/2014 16:11 PM

What a beautiful post, luv2swim!

This is a difficult road we walk, but we are strong - more strong than we ever realized.

I wish peace for all of my fellow Tribe members this holiday season.

mom23boys posted 12/25/2014 21:44 PM

I was about to post something my NPDx did yesterday, but after I read your post luv2swim, I decided I would take your advice instead and focus on my life and my kids. There really is no room in our lives for his drama anymore

He cut off all contact with kids, no email or phone calls, NOTHING. Of course that is his way of abusing the kids.

^ This! Been experiencing this for awhile, way before DDay.

And this

If he cuts off contact with them, it gives them no choice but to accept whatever he is willing to give them, he is teaching them to lower their expectations and since they are young, and don't have choice..he will use them to punish me and them.

Mine jump out of their skins when their dad finally shows up to see them, with his whore. Then they feel like they are somehow to blame for his decision to totally abandon us, so they will see him anyway they can. They probably feel like they are losing him, so they except anything he does, even though it makes them uncomfortable. But the more messed up things he pushes on them, the more they will see who he has become and they won't feel that way after awhile.

Josey01 posted 12/27/2014 13:01 PM

Y'all omg!!! ( yes I am from Texas) Last night I went out for a drink with my sis in law- XH sister. I posted a picture of us on Facebook and checked in at the location we were at. With in an hour is I looked up to see my XWWH and his 24 year old AP walking through the front door. We made eye contact immediately. I hit my sis in arm and said your brothers here and we have to leave now. Instead of him turning around and leaving, or going to the other end of the bar he walked past us then stopped like he was surprised to see his sister " oh what a small world- this is my sister Amy" he said as I grabbed my purse and walked out. Within two minutes my sis in law was out the door to take me home. None if my I laws are willing to meet her and are basically appalled at his behavior and so put out with him. If this is a coincidence of being at the same place at the same time then karma is out to get ME not him- but somehow I don't buy that! I am wrecked again!!!! Why did he not just turn around and save me the humiliation?... I have no words- Again! I'm so stuck you guys

Kajem posted 12/28/2014 01:06 AM

Block him and OW. if you post pics on fb tag yourself in them. He isn't supposed to be able to see them all F you've blocked them.

I wouldn't be checking in anywhere. Just in case he follows you on other social media.

Yeah, that would freak me out.


hemademesingle posted 12/28/2014 13:02 PM

OMG I need help, the little monster has come back, he lives 3500 miles away

The last time that I saw him was when the police removed him from the property in Nov 2010, March 2014 I found out that he molested our daughter,it has also come out that he victimized his neice years before I met him. I have not confronted him yet, but I'm going to. He is meeting me tomorrow morning at the police station, the police have known since March 2014.

I've been trying to get a divorce for 5.5 years, he destroyed the marital home it's unsellable, refuses to have my name removed from it when he could have, nobody lives in it because of the poor condition., bragged to me how he put 10,000.00 renovations into a house he rented, that he no longer rents, when he wouldn't put 1.00 into marital home, which he owns

He has the mindset that he is a hero, bought me a plane ticket to go and visit him where he lives in October 2014, I declined his offer, he thinks that we can just get back together, wanted me to resume the job I signed up for when I married him, I think he is certifiably crazy, he has lived with 3 different women and been in many other relationships, he seems to have forgotten that in May 2010 I found out he was "servicing"strange men from kijiji, going bareback with strangers, if I wanted him back I would have moved with him in 2009, but I just want him out of my life

I just needed to get this vented out, I'm a nervous wreck

sadone29 posted 12/28/2014 14:19 PM

Thanks wiserallthetime!

It's so true. By the end, I told him that no matter how much I give, I'll never get anything back in return. I could finally see that. And since then, I see that the awakening continues. I keep falling into old habitual thinking where I think I owe him something. I keep having to tell myself it's not true. I do matter. I'm allowed to protect myself, etc. It really does feel like I'm reprogramming my brain.

Wiserallthetime posted 12/28/2014 20:55 PM

"I was raised to be charming, not sincere." - Prince Charming, Into The Woods

Went to see this movie - this quote was one that stood out to me. (Also "nice does not always mean good", said by Little Red Riding Hood.) Maybe not necessarily applying to the character in this situation (he's not developed enough to really tell), but I thought it really applied here, to this thread, in particular.

"Sincere" implies feelings are behind the words - true, caring feelings. Merely being charming does not require you to really care, as those who know a NPD person or even a psychopath know all too well....

Anyway, I just thought this quote could be seen as the mantra for some of the NPDs in our lives.....

By the way, just to warn those who might not know: the movie includes an act of infidelity, and there is suggestion of molestation/pedophilia as well. (Background info states the movie is toned down a good deal from the musical, which, then....just wow....) Just wanted to warn those for whom these things might be a trigger.

GreatRoleModel posted 12/29/2014 14:36 PM

Just a reminder that they never change...

Quick background...X apparently became engaged to last OW a few months ago, but never told the kids (DD15 and DD17) and she wore the ring. Kids saw the ring but waited for him to announce the news and per the agreement she was not allow to stay in the house unless engaged and not to share bedroom until married (this is until kids are 18). So the last several visits she had been staying in the house. He is well aware that kids understand the agreement. I made two attempts via email to get confirmation and he never responded. My emails were short and to the point (Girls have told me that OW is staying in the house and they see a ring, please confirm engagement). Thought this might clue him in...can't lead a jackass to water.

So today girls call me on their way home from Christmas visitation. As they had finished skiing and were in the lodge eating lunch he told them the news. DD15 said thought so since we have seen the ring and DD17 said I have nothing nice to say so I will not comment. X then tries to blame the kids because they do not answer his texts right away and he wanted them to meet her kids, which they did 2 days ago. He had so many opportunities to tell them the past few months. OW pulls kids aside and apologized for wearing the ring as she thought they knew. Proud of my girls bc they said we are not mad at you and its not your fault it is his. We are mad at him.

His M.O. has not changed he use to pull crap like this all the time in public with me...amazing how he now treats them the same way now that I am no longer the target. My DD15 feels his mask is coming off and he can't keep up the show much longer and will be surprised if they get married.

So the girls are on the way home to me for yet another round of Clean Up!

sadone29 posted 12/30/2014 09:24 AM

My awakening continues. I had my appointment with one of the mediators yesterday. We ended up sitting for 2 hours (my poor dad was waiting for me!).

She kept interrupting me and saying things like, "but what do you want?" and "but he's an adult". Why is my first thought for him? Even now when I have nothing but negative feelings for him? She has helped me see that he is keeping me trapped and controlled through fear and intimidation. He may be doing that, but I have to be the one to see past all the fear and keep moving forward. She wants me to get a lawyer who has experience in domestic violence asap.

I feel a few steps closer to regaining my life today.

Wiserallthetime posted 12/30/2014 11:01 AM

sadone - I can relate. When we were negotiating the temporary agreement, and at the time it was for in house, my lawyer was asking about a time schedule to put in it to follow, and while I had no issue giving the kids a schedule to follow, when it came time to speak of one for STBXWH, I was basically still putting the power in his hands, saying things like "It varies" when asked what time he should leave the house to go to his office each day. (We own the business.) She had to basically give me permission to tell him what to do for the framework of the negotiations. And it was on several issues. I am certain he had no such issue with telling me what to do - he's been doing it for over 20 years now.... (I am still learning to accept that fact - that I was emotionally and psychologically abused for so very long in such a covert fashion only those who look closely and know what they are seeing know it.)

I am now still in divorce proceedings, but he is out of the house, and I am learning to stand up and tell him how things are going to be when it means protecting me and the kids. I am not fully there yet, mostly because he scares me, but I am getting there. I am taking back that power, little by little. You can, too, and you will surprise yourself. Hang in there!

Josey01 posted 12/30/2014 16:27 PM

Okay I've had a couple of weeks without crazy behavior out of him that I can prove! So it's now a sad process for me to admit that it makes me feel even more anxiety and abandonment. Keep in mind that as I type these words I want to throw up ant my weakness and stupidity for even admitting this! What I REALLY wanted for 15 years is for him to do the work and change, like he promised. I want the good side of him- that is sooooo good! Is the newest AP gonna get the husband I worked so hard for?? Am I gonna feel sad and rejected forever??? This is not what I wanted for my life!!!!!

GreatRoleModel posted 12/31/2014 10:12 AM

Happy New Year to the Tribe! May there be a little less crazy making in the new can hope. Actually though I wish for strength to you all and moving forward with your superhero skills at not letting the narc in your life get the better of you (and your kids)...because anyone who has to deal with the narc is a superhero in my book!

phmh posted 12/31/2014 18:03 PM

Is the newest AP gonna get the husband I worked so hard for??

Nope! People essentially cannot change their personality or character. He'll cheat on her and show other undesirable traits. It's really fascinating to do research on human behavior/personality/character. Especially if you are on the NPD thread -- he is never going to change. You can change the players, but you don't change the game.

Am I gonna feel sad and rejected forever???

Only if that's how you approach life. You need to work through this, but you can find an even better life.

This is not what I wanted for my life!!!!!

None of us wanted this. We all wanted to be married to wonderful people forever. But we had bad luck in choosing disordered partners. But the good news is that you have an opportunity to make an even better life for yourself. It takes time and work. I'm three years out from D-Day, and I am happier than I ever thought possible. You can be, too. It takes a strong person to divorce an NPD, and that strength will serve you well in crafting a wonderful new life for yourself!!!

jjct posted 1/1/2015 07:00 AM

Some people do change. With enough introspection and humility...the former WS's I've met IRL are amazing ppl. I can only describe their honesty about themselves - particularly describing their shitty choices - as brutal. Shocking.
I've seen what true remorse looks like, in myself and in them.

Dealing with the personality-disordered is another ball of wax though.

I think it's natural to question things this way:

Is the newest AP gonna get the husband I worked so hard for??

If you unpack this question a little bit, notice that first, it's as if you're the one "making" someone...something. I guess that's why the "I worked so hard" is in there, right? Because milkman can't. We can't "make" someone do, or be...anything.
If you get that, it helps to "let it go", take all that hard work, that effort to make someone else - and turn it around, into "making yourself" (a better person, etc.)

When I taste that question inside me, and it rambles down my gullet a bit, it lands in my stomach as "who cares?" Maybe. Maybe not. The big thing is, I'm detached from that outcome.

So...NO! I'm NOT

gonna feel sad and rejected forever

because well, just about the damn opposite. I'm happy as hell laughing I'm outta the clutches of a disordered one!

Another thing. Part of my process of healing ( & your story may be different here) - is I didn't give myself a pass on why I chose her. Why I ignored red flags - actually - blaring sirens

became part of what I had to see within myself - to change.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! (((TRIBE)))

cantaccept posted 1/1/2015 07:49 AM

Happy New Year!!!

Best thing, I really mean it!

I have been struggling with so many of the same things that I am reading here. The feeling of abandonment, the question, can he change, is someone else going to get the good part of him...

I think that is normal!

So, yesterday I started reading, "Why Does He Do That", Lundy Bancroft. I always just passed on this one because I think I thought, "why do I care?, it is too late"

Damn! this book is really hitting home and I am feeling so, so, so grateful for being FREE!!!

It is helping to untwist my mind and my feelings. It began with me googling "can he change" and coming across a list by Lundy Bancroft. It hit home so hard in a very good, very clarifying way. I really recommend this. Reading really helps me, I need to have the validation of my thoughts. After so many years of being invalidated, I need this. I lost my trust in myself.

I am posting about this in New Beginnings also, maybe it will help someone else too. This is a new beginning for sure. This is reclaiming myself, my heart and my mind.

I agree with JJ also, looking into yourself, why did I ignore the red flags, that is helping also. It is helping me to forgive myself and also to protect myself going forward.

Change is possible for those that want to change, for those that need to change but it is a very long hard road. The insight and commitment from an abuser, NPD, BPD, just plain asshole, would have to be so great. I think they would have to really hit bottom. For my x, I don't think there is a bottom. This is a long standing, repetitive pattern for him.

The list I found though really helped me to let go and to know that everything that he "promised", just more of the same, empty words used as tools to manipulate, hurt, control.

I am in awe of what manipulation really looks like! I lived it but because I do not think, feel or behave like him I missed so much. I just did not see it for what it was.

I wish everyone here strength, clarity, courage and most of all peace.


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