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N P D Thread - Part 14

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GotPlayed posted 1/14/2015 15:43 PM

Hi Tribe,

I need to send a response to a text petition of an exchange of weekend from STBXWW (she didn't tell me, but I know it's for a personal trip she takes yearly that she really, really wants to make - essentially the highlight of her year).

I was hoping to use it as leverage for her to start acting with some empathy for the sake of coparenting and some closure regarding criminal OM (remember, this is the same STBXWW that says my texts have a "tone", and who now has a restraining order on crazy, stalker OM who finally left the state).

Can a volunteer tribesmember (maybe a woman because of the emotional intelligence factor but I'd appreciate anyone helping) PM me so I can send you what I plan to write and we can discuss it/adjust it? I want to prompt the beginning of cooperation on her side so we can coparent better, but I don't want to trigger her, which means walking the tightrope.

I also don't want to give her the impression that I continue to walk on eggshells around her. I'm done with that stuff, and I'd much rather say no if she's going to be a .... about it.

Thank you everyone.

GreatRoleModel posted 1/14/2015 16:40 PM

FF I can't remember are your kids in IC? If not then that needs to happen quickly....this gives the kids an advocate besides you. Also continue to email and text him your concerns about the kids and the typical parenting items and then you have documentation of your attempts to parallel parent with him and please make these as business like as possible without emotion (short and sweet). Did he leave a mark on your DD? If so take a picture with date and time stamp as proof.

I am so sorry for you and your kids (((hugs)))

southsidecali posted 1/14/2015 16:42 PM

Post on here just omit specifics. we can all help in different ways and can offer different perspective and peace together something that makes sense for most.

Our NPDs all respond to different things and what might work for mine might not for yours.

On another note, the karma bus keeps hitting the ex. Turns out he didn't properly plan vacation time to care for kids and lost his job this past week.

He was supposed to have kids one week for christmas, he traded for new years, the kids were going to skip it but I went ahead and said No..your going I needed my time.

He didn't go work because he didn't have anyone watching the kids or shoes to wear. That explains the drama he created to lash out at me.

Futurefear posted 1/14/2015 22:41 PM

Hi GreatRoleModel~my 9 yr old is in IC as am I. I haven't started my 5 yr old yet. She doesn't quite seem to get it however my 9 yr old is sassy! Angry! Hateful!
He didn't leave a mark physically just emotionally

I do text and email very short and sweet and he blows up my phone with 'who tells you things', 'truth is I don't want to be around you' and 'it takes everything in me to not tell you to fuck off'...it is fabulous life.
I have 90 days until our court date exactly from today.
He wants to go to court for I don't know why...prove a point?
I'm getting pretty worn down...mentally and emotionally.

southsidecali posted 1/15/2015 00:13 AM

FF & others that end up being the one the kids confide in about the crappy behavior our Ex's subject out kids to.. please don't go back to the EX and share what your babies shared with you.

I learned the hard way. Get them in therapy, encourage journaling or offer them school counselors or safe family friends that they can share as well.

You definitely can journal and share with the therapist as well, but by going back and confronting the EXNPD it does several things:

violates the trust the kids have in us because if they tell us, we will tell their NPD Dad/MOM WS, etc..

It usually escalates the drama between the parents and kids end up feeling responsible for it

The ExNPD usually will punish the kid as well, by either witholding affection, silent treatment, and many of their other tools in the arsenal of abuse. IT places the kids front & center of the bullseye.

It is such a tough spot to be in because natural instinct to protect kicks in and we are trying to document as well, it is a fine line to walk with ever changing rules.

Futurefear posted 1/16/2015 16:13 PM

Help.
He is cycling again, increasing pushing my boundaries.
I know things because people talk to me about him and his mistress.
She was at my house today, I have pictures
My kids report cards came out today and they are tardy-he has fired off emails to the school and myself regarding the tardiness...has said that we live less than 1 mile from the school and them being late for school is irresponsible and if I can't get them to school then other arrangements will be made.
WTF.
Psychological warfare 101...

Brentwood posted 1/16/2015 16:50 PM

Hi everyone on this NPD thread. I'm a relative newbie to this forum and it seems as though there are several different discussions going at once. Unlike the other forums, am I correct in assuming that it's not considered thread jacking to jump in with my own topic? Hope so, cause I need some help. I posted this in General but realized I might get some NPD experienced assistance.

Last night destroyed what was left of any self-esteem I had. My STBXH verbally attacked me as we were trying to discuss our upcoming settlement meeting with both lawyers.
He is very definitely a narcissist. Doesn't like it when things aren't going his way. Last night I didn't let him manipulate or intimidate me and it made him mad. He preceded to tell me my daughter hates me (she doesn't), he called me a whore several times (from my A 25 years ago), and told me I was meaner and nastier than my mother (such huge mommy issues for me that it requires therapy). He started calling me by her name and kept screaming it at me.

I know he's gone crazy, an NPD, unremorseful, lying, cheating egotist who believes all the 20-something's are hot for his pot belly and bald head, but wow he really got me.

I know I'm not those things, but my relationship with my mom has always been strained because she bullied me and I learned to be the perfect co-d woman because of it. For him to use my weakest, most intense childhood pain against me is the cruelest thing anyone could do. Because I'm successfully disengaging on the way to D shows me that although it's taken me seven years to do it, leaving him will be the nicest thing I could ever do for myself.

Just added for this forum: I told him I needed to move out immediately since we can't maintain a decent in-house separation. I told him I wanted temp spousal support and gave him the amount. He said no and he would move out. Told him NO and he either gives me the money or we let the attorneys charge us for me to ultimately get what I need. He's such an NPD that he told me to call her and he'll spend the money to fight me. I think I'm getting to him but I know he's only gonna get worse!

Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)
Dday 1 11/08
TT since then
Divorcing...finally
Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California

sadone29 posted 1/16/2015 17:14 PM

Welcome to the tribe!

I wouldn't even tell him your plans. Let the lawyers deal with the money issues. You don't need his permission to leave. I know it feels uncomfortable not to talk about what you want/need. I'm in the same boat. I keep wanting him to see reason, but it's just not going to happen. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want me to move, he doesn't want me to obtain my own income, and nothing I say is going to change that. There's no way he's going be happy and help out in losing his stay at home slave.
So I'm making my own plans.

Kajem posted 1/16/2015 18:49 PM

What happens when the girls are old enough to drive and be self-sufficient? She could then be seen as the valiant single parent to kids that would come with child support from me... Of course it would be a disaster because she doesn’t really want them. HOWEVER at that point want the IDEA of having them. She has a long history of fighting for things only to discard soon after she gets them.

This was my fear with my xh once he moved back to our county. I didn't need to worry. Once my kids were driving, they were never home. At his house or mine. They all had jobs, extra curricular activities, volunteered, and had friends. They are currently finishing college, 1 graduated 2013, 3 others will graduate 2015,2016,2017. They schedule time with both of us... He still lives where they grew up. I live near the beach.

Life is now ok... As adults they have all said "my father is an ass, I love him, but he is an ass.". It says it all.

They know which parent is the one that has their back.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 1/16/2015 19:02 PM

FF,

Are you doing inhouse separation? If so let him propose his "other arrangements". I would love to see him manage to get the kids to school on time, lunches made, projects done, snack for kindergarten,etc.

Does your school know what is happening at home? My school cut my kids a lot of slack the first year after separation. Cut me slack too,

It helped my kids adjust to a new normal.

Sweetie, do whatever you can to recharge yourself. Is he taking any turns at single parenting? Can you make play dates with another mom you trust to leave kids for a couple of hours? I had 2 friends who would take all 4 of my kids and feed them pizza for dinner. It gave me 2 uninterrupted hours to recharge. I owe those ladies my sanity. Without them, I would not have survived those days. Sadly years later, I got to help them.

I encourage you to reach out to other moms, they know how hard it is to do alone. Some days it was easier with their kids, my kids were better behaved when other kids were around, they wanted more play dates so they behaved.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 1/16/2015 19:06 PM

If your child is talking to about the other parent, record them.

If you tell your attorney, the court etc. It is considered here say. If you record them, make sure you aren't leading them by questioning them. I think Nature_girl had things thrown out of court because it was considered here say.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 1/16/2015 19:09 PM

GP,

I would put it on the divorce/separation forum and ask for help. That room gets more traffic than here and you'll get a variety of responses that you can pick and choose from.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 1/16/2015 19:17 PM

I'm a relative newbie to this forum and it seems as though there are several different discussions going at once. Unlike the other forums, am I correct in assuming that it's not considered thread jacking to jump in with my own topic?

Brentwood,

You're correct, welcome, we call ourselves the Tribe!

I wouldn't let him know your plans, let your attorney deal with him. In house separation means roommates, not friends. Each takes care of themselves, cleans up after themselves, cooks, laundry are all done by the person eating and wearing the clothes. Not a lot of conversation needed, unless finances or kid related.

It's tough at first, but easier as you get your focus onto something else.

Hugs,
K

sadone29 posted 1/19/2015 11:50 AM

Anyone have any advice for the crushing guilt that washes over me periodically?
He broke this marriage, but he's so good at playing the victim. I fear that it will keep me trapped with him for years if I'm not careful. Should I feel bad for wanting to leave? Should I feel bad for the amount of cs he's going to have to pay? Is it going to hurt the kids too much? It's so hard to get passed the paralyzed stage. I've been here for too long. I don't know how long I can go before breaking down. And then he'll know something's up.

DMS88 posted 1/19/2015 13:18 PM

I am curious if alcohol can make an NPD worse or can alcohol make a non-NPD act just like somebody with the disorder. Seven months ago I was positive my husband exhibited all the signs of NPD. He has been sober for the last seven months and slowly he has returned to acting like a normal person. Now I am not sure what I am dealing with. Is anybody else dealing with an alcoholic NPD? If they got sober did their behavior improve?

Kajem posted 1/19/2015 16:43 PM

Sadone,
Victims don't have choices. He had many choices to behave like a loving H and father. He chose not to. What he will experience is consequences to HIS choices. It's not like you walked up and shot him in the back. Then he would be a victim. He did walk up and shoot your marriage in the back, that broke your heart. He's done nothing to repair the damage he orchestrated. This is another consequence to his actions.

Don't take on his blame, let him drink his own koolaid. This isn't yours to own. He could have stopped at any time, he chose not to.

You chose not to be in a dead marriage anymore, he killed it, and its starting to stink.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 1/19/2015 16:51 PM

DMS88,

Think back to years ago, did he show empathy then?

My xh does sympathy really well, he's a mirror for others emotion. He never truly feels, we had that discussion once. He knows he should, but he doesn't, so he reads peoples emotions and goes along. He justifies it as a coping mechanism. He deals with things that send people into therapy. He does his job, extremely well.

Think back, if he lacked empathy when he was acting normally all those years ago, then he may be on the NPD spectrum. If not, then he could have been a selfish addict. Hopefully, his new normal sticks around. Dealing with addictions is tough.

Hugs,
K

Compartmented posted 1/19/2015 18:34 PM

I am curious if alcohol can make an NPD worse or can alcohol make a non-NPD act just like somebody with the disorder.
I think it definitely makes them worse. I go to Al-Anon and listen to others talk about their addicts and they sound very narcissistic. When people drink, it's all about the ego...me, me, me. So both of those things can be true, that NPD's are worse by drinking and that drunks act NPD.

Last time I went to Al-Anon, every talked about how they dealt with abuse. There's a lot of overlap in causes of shitty, selfish behavior. When I first started Al-Anon, I thought everyone was dealing with addiction, but only I had the cheating and abusive partner. These things happen way more than I thought, and no one was all that surprised by what I had to share. AND, even better, they had help for me by sharing their own experiences.

sadone29 posted 1/20/2015 08:23 AM

Thank you Kajem! It's pretty annoying how I keep having to repeat these things to myself. Living with him is getting more and more difficult. I try to be polite for the kids' sake and then I feel like I'm falling again. That makes me feel down, and then he knows something's up. I just can't wait for this part of my life to be done.

As for the alcohol....it isn't like that with H. I couldn't even notice a difference in him when he drank. Kind of scary, actually.

luv2swim posted 1/21/2015 03:26 AM

Kajem wrote:


Life is now ok... As adults they have all said "my father is an ass, I love him, but he is an ass.". It says it all.

They know which parent is the one that has their back.

YES!
YES!
YES!

I have boys. So, the parent in question is dear dad. They do love him. And.. my boys are very clear in expressing their belief that dear-dad is "bat-shite-crazy".

And so is OW! (warms my heart to write this!)

Anyway, it is NOT a contest. I do the best I can for them. My resources are limited, but I try to be present for them when they need.

My prediction for the future is they will be better than "fine". Me too!

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