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Ashley Madison hack ruined my life

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DM213 posted 8/25/2015 09:14 AM

Thank you all for your support. I've just been going through the motions, my children need their mother to be strong. We haven't discussed anything any further, I just can't bring myself to look at him, much less listen to any more excuses and lies. At this point I won't believe a word he says anyway. I've been trying to distance myself emotionally, even though it's hard because up until the point that I found out, I thought everything was blissful. I keep going over his initial excuses and how adamantly he denied ever actually meeting up with anyone. I have searched my memory for anything, any red flag, any time his stories didn't match up, and I can't come up with anything. He stayed in constant contact with me while he was working (he is a delivery driver for a national parcel service), the route he drives allows him to spend his hour long lunch breaks at home, the location on his voice messages always matched up to where he said he was, he always messaged me and let me know he was on his way home. He wasn't going out with friends, he was always home when he wasn't working. When he would go out on his days off he always had our daughter with him, and believe me, she would be the first to tell me if anything was amiss. The profile that I found and was able to access had no reciprocated messages. We recently refinanced our house (last month) so I thoroughly checked over his credit report, no credit cards in his name besides a Lowes in store only card. I checked through his PayPal account, nothing but things I already knew of. I checked the phone records, no strange numbers or even unusual text amounts. He sat calmly when I confronted him over the profile, yet got animated and adamant when confronted about meeting people. Am I crazy for almost wanting to believe him? I'm a mother of 4 with an 8 month old baby, I have 3 kids in school and when I work on the weekend I go in at 6am. Im an early to bed early to rise type of person, plus I have a nursing baby, so I go to bed early. He gets home anywhere between 7:30-9 so I can't expect him to go to bed at the same time I do, although he does sometimes. When he doesn't he apparently sits up on the iPad or his phone trolling through porn sites and putting himself out there for NSA sex from random whores. He said he had a problem with porn, and he was signing up for these sites trying to get to free web cam pages? I just don't know what to believe anymore. Now I'm upset again, just when I thought I was getting a handle on my emotions.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/25/2015 11:54 AM

DM213,

As the first poster said, it wasn't the hack that ruined your life. It was your WH. This is where the blame needs to go. The real fact is that if he hadn't engaged in the actions of going to those sites, and interacting with them, then you wouldn't been in this situation.

At first its easy to blame others. Betrayed do this because you can't believe that we actually have cheated. You want to believe that we aren't those people that we have revealed to you.

Waywards try to blame also, but their blaming is trying to cover their asses. I believe its based in guilt, shame, and wanting to think we are better than we actually are.

You are not to blame, the women are not to blame, the sites are not to blame. The one common denominator in this whole equation is the wayward. He is the one that deserves the blame.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/25/2015 14:35 PM

He sat calmly when I confronted him over the profile, yet got animated and adamant when confronted about meeting people.

This defensiveness wouldn't sit well with me. And no you are not crazy for wanting to believe him. However, you have believed him for 20+ years and he has not changed. He has shown you who he is. His actions reveal a serial cheater. But you don't want to believe what you see; you'd rather believe what you hear from his mouth.

Cut yourself a break. Of course your mind is all over the place. Just please don't be sucked in until you have decided what he needs to do to earn your trust back. I, too, thought my poor overworked spouse was at work late and in the office early. He would call from his desk phone. But ya know what, he wasn't *working*. His OW was a coworker.

Just something to chew on - have you thought about a polygraph?

BS24years posted 8/25/2015 16:40 PM

DM213 I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. I know it can be devastating.

Please remember that you did nothing wrong, this is all your WH doing. No matter how great of a wife, and mother you are, he is missing something in his life. He is the only one who can do the hard work to fix what is missing.

I spent 24 years in a marriage with a serial cheater. I had such low self esteem about myself that I looked the other way every single time. Trust me there were many times. One day I found the strength to say NO MORE. I too blamed myself, wanted to believe his lies, but he destroyed me over and over.

I know that you have a lot to figure out, especially for your children. Believe me you can do it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever face in your life, but you will come out the stronger person.

Take care of yourself, eat and rest when you can. Your children are counting on you. Take the time you need to make your decision. Keep posting on this site you will get some great support and advice.

Always remember you are a wonderful woman and mother, and you deserve better than this.

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