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Any BS read Not "just friends" and asked WS to read it?

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hcsv posted 4/3/2016 23:19 PM

As the title asks, has any BSs read Not "Just Friends" and requested that the WS read it?

WSs affair is a coworker, he is her boss AND her husbands boss. All sounds so incestuous, doesn't it?

I have just started this book tonight and I have a feeling I may be up all night reading it. I'd really like him to read it, even if we are in the process of D with little chance of R.

Just wondering what others experiences are with this book. Thanks.

latebloomer45 posted 4/4/2016 11:08 AM

You should ask this post to be moved to General or Reconciliation as you will get way more responses that way.

The short answer is yes...many of us have had WS read my case he was still so defensive I don't think much of it sank in. Helped me enormously, though.

CitrusC posted 4/4/2016 14:14 PM

I read it. I feel like there's something wrong with me cuz so many people have liked it an d I thought it was okay.

CitrusC posted 4/4/2016 14:14 PM

And there's no way I could get him to read it.

Lark posted 4/4/2016 20:12 PM

I thought it was a good read looking at many different angles, but there were definitely parts I didn't agree with.
I did ask my husband to read it. It was much slower reading for both of us than How to Help Your Spouse Heal

TrustGone posted 4/5/2016 08:16 AM

XWH#2 requested I order it after he spoke one of the three times he went with an IC I booked for him. I read it first thing. He read a few pages and never picked it up again even though I requested he read it and left it laying out in plain view for 2yrs. I even read it a second time to see if I missed anything that might help.

The book was pretty good except for it being focused more around work-place affairs than random affairs, LTA's, ONS's, EA's, and paid sex. It really didn't go into the specifics that come with each type of affair except for co-workers. Since that was not what he had, XWH#2 used the excuse that it had nothing to do with his situation (LTA with a former FWB's). He refused to read it or basically do anything to help save the marriage and fix himself. It was all just a manipulation on his part to hoover me back in for more of the same.

mamazen posted 4/8/2016 20:55 PM

I read it after we separated, and highlighted a bunch of it which was relevant to us. Then shortly after he moved out, went over to WH place at a time he was open to talking. I read the highlighted passages to him (he's not a big reader), he related to everything, cried, said he would explain everything......we talked, I asked questions, he answered....

Then a couple days later I found out everything he said was made up (BH of OW, a family friend, told me the correct timeline and details, bc he had a detective catch them many years prior but never told me....)

It was then I told xWH the door was shut for any kind of reconciliation. He is incapable of truth, ever.

So, in effect, it was a waste of time. But at least he has the information. I left the book there, too.

notperfect5 posted 4/9/2016 00:13 AM

Interestingly, I gave this book to my WW BEFORE she had the affair. She was in the EA all right, but it was months before it slowly evolved into a physical affair.

It pretty much spelled out how EA's can slide into PA's and it went into detail the devastation an affair has.

My WW thought that she was above it all. She wouldn't let it happen because she was strong and that all this stuff is for little people with weak wills, I guess. Maybe she just thought that she deserved to have an affair...

Anyway, she read it from cover to cover. The she went out and continued on with the affair, raging on me that I wasn't doing enough to make the marriage work. I played the "pick me" game for a long while. She was shocked, SHOCKED, when she actually let the EA become a PA. "I thought I could control it!", she said.

Well darn, that just didn't work out the way you thought, now did it. You actually read the book in its entirety as I warned you that you were having an affair, and you, before my eyes, did it all. I threw you a life ring in the middle of the storm and you flipped me the bird and effectively said, "Fuck you NP5, I will have me an affair and you will just sit there and take it. I read your damn book, OK. This doesn't apply to me like it does all the other idiots out there. I'm different, I'm special, I'm impervious."

So the book is fine. It triggers me horribly. I gave it to my wife when she was in the EA, but she was too addicted to the ego kibbles to save herself. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. If they have their sights set on destroying themselves and their families, they damn well will do so. So she did.

mharris posted 5/6/2016 12:22 PM

I read it from cover to cover, highlighted, post it noted, made notes for my WS, even though it was very triggery for me. He read *maybe 10 pages, max, and said it made him sad, and abandoned the book.

Lovedyoumore posted 5/9/2016 14:29 PM

The book was not meant to be a comprehensive book about infidelity. The title would tell you it is written for couples who are experiencing the A born out of friendships, work places, etc, not random sexual encounters or paid sex. It focuses on the A with familiar people who the WS and BS may have not considered a threat. For us, it was spot on. I read it first and then gave it to my H. It changed how he saw the A and what he had done. He highlighted areas that were particularly painful to him. It helped me see that he "got" it.

LadyLynn posted 5/16/2016 15:15 PM

I've read it but not asked BH to read it. He won't admit to anything anyway. I thought it was pretty good, but seem to recall that the author does not recommend telling the other BS? Can anyone confirm that? I guess I've been surprised to see so many people say they have told the other BS or insisted that they know as well.

Neznayou posted 5/17/2016 00:00 AM

Wayward here. Delete if necessary.

LadyLynn, I don't recall seeing that tidbit, but I do know she put the healing at a few months to a couple of years. Yikes. Really?

There is a big difference between reading or listening to the book and using the book. She asks a lot of questions and has several exercises laced throughout.

PinkFeelingBlue posted 5/29/2016 21:38 PM

I read it and gave it to him after he moved out. He said he read a little, skipped a lot. Most likely hasn't read much of it. I do believe it helped him admit his friendship with her was an EA. Didn't get him to stop.

He's above reading self-help books, message boards, or counselors. But his best buds who have or are getting divorced, have all the advice he needs.

It is a good book, long, but good. Not much help when WH thinks the EA was incidental because he's already checked out of the M.

AWrongedWife posted 7/4/2016 19:53 PM

I read it. DH's A began as an "online conversation" that evolved into an "online friendship", then he gave her his phone number and they started calling for hours and texting 500+ times per month, then they met in person and it became a PA. She had her own boyfriend as well.

I found relief in it in knowing that there was nothing I did to cause it or that I could have done to prevent it. Who she was, didn't matter. It was his problem. His lack of boundaries and his lack of respect for our relationship. Reading it, I could look back and see where he put walls between us and opened windows to her.

musicandwine posted 7/6/2016 07:03 AM

My wife has struggled to read it. The labeling has been her biggest hangup.

She's a determined woman and strong willed but has slowly become to realize that labeling is just a way to categorize something and to analyze.

I hope she will continue to read it and that the two of us will continue to look at it over the years to protect our walls around our family.

Hope is a good thing, but trust is the key. That takes time and a lot of inner reflection on both parties account. If it is something you want or even need in order to build that trust, then your WS should be willing to do what you ask to prove that they want to help in the journey.

But that is my opinion and everyone and every relationship is different. For some just the pure Executive Function mobility stage may prove to be difficult in their learning know your spouse the best. Just look at your "expectations" and weigh if they are realistic.

Regardless, for both parties, there is a lot to digest about yourselves. Best wishes to everyone involved.

Prudence posted 7/7/2016 04:15 AM

My WH started reading it, I don't know if he finished it.
It was a real eye opener for him. He thought what he was doing was different and this book made him see that it was a classic affair. He was astounded to see his thoughts written down. It was the beginning of his awakening.

wk55hn posted 7/9/2016 23:56 PM

From what I can see, that book usually has the same reaction to cheaters as does kryptonite to Superman.

LiveLuvLaph posted 7/28/2016 23:29 PM

xWH read it and I swear he used the info in it to later have his workplace affair in 2011-2012. He recently ended his relationship with this OW a few months ago. Funny thing is, he wasn't faithful to her either.)

I'm glad that I read NJF before his affair with the co-worker because it extensively covered workplace affairs. I completely understood what I was up against with his feelings toward the co-worker and I gave him the ultimatum to fight for the marriage or leave. So he left. (Leaving me with a ton of kids, a disability, and no job prospects.)

We were legally separated for a few years and formally divorced this past October (2015). I'm glad I have a bright future ahead of me and that I am free of the madness.

gamewarden posted 11/23/2016 23:41 PM

I shared it with my WS about a month ago. He has read a whopping 9 pages (kindle edition). Unless, the WS really wants to work on their issues asking them to read this book will be a waste of time.

Dialapenguin posted 11/24/2016 05:06 AM

He got to page has since sat on his bedside table for some months untouched....he banged on for an afternoon about walls and windows and how he saw where he made mistakes apparently that was good enough and required no further investigation...i quizzed him once why he had not read anymore and i was told he was just to busy.......yep

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