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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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SI Staff posted 6/8/2016 08:52 AM

For those that have personally dealt with this particular issue.

confused615 posted 6/8/2016 10:44 AM

😊

BallofPain posted 6/8/2016 13:07 PM

Hey Guys,

Hugs to each and everyone of you. It saddens me greatly that this thread has to be refreshed. However, I am glad it exists and I am glad that people are posting at the same time.

I remember a time when I felt so very alone. Sure, almost everyone I met has been a victim of infidelity. But I have never had someone's openly straight boyfriend/girlfriend cheat with someone (or some people) of the same gender as them. I didn't know what to do. Should I stay, should I go? Was the last 4.5 years a lie? Was I just a silly cover up? How could I have brought into those lies? He was just confused. A little confused. This won't happen again.

I would wait for my best friend to get off work. She called me at work when I first found out and told her. I would desperately beg my friend out for coffee after I finished work at midnight.
I felt bad for doing all of that. My best friend finally told me to look for a forum. So, I Googled Infidelity forum and found this site. I was directed to this thread (ok, the previous thread). I met a lot of wonderful people. I got a lot of wonderful advice and support. Without this forum, I don't know where I would be.

It's been almost a year since DDay for me. A year ago, I had suspicions. A year ago, this month, he told me he was "not happy". That he wanted an open relationship or to end things. He wanted to explore his rubber fetish. Me, being young, naive, stupid, first relationship etc, I held on. I made it clear that I didn't want an open relationship. He said, he would think about it.

DDay happened. Many of you know the story. I work emergency vet med. I have seen some pretty traumatizing things. Nothing was more scarring than looking at your boyfriend's phone and seeing pictures of a naked man in bondage gear, a text underneath "Do you want me to fuck you tonight?". Then, flip to another conversation "Did you enjoy my cock shoved into you?"

He said he wasn't gay. I don't know if I believe that. It doesn't matter anymore. Water under the bridge.

The next months, I think you guys understand all too well. Bondage gear, latex suits, motorcycle gear, pup play gear, talks about gay sex, everytime I saw them. I felt like I had just jumped into ice cold pool of water upto my neck.

Last month, I have finally found out that I no longer have a crippling fear of motorcycle suits. 3 months ago, I could talk about gay subjects with my coffee friends (a gay couple).
Pup play gear still disgusts me. Latex suits are hit or miss. Bondage gear similar to that picture still causes my heart to race.
It's a working progress. I realize that there will always be somethings that never heal. Some fears I will never conquer.

Trick posted 6/8/2016 14:10 PM

I don't know. Maybe this is the right place to get some feedback. I have never posted to a forum before so I don't really know what I'm doing.

Two days ago I discovered by BF has a habit of posting ads to Craigslist in the casual encounters m4m section. He says he's never met any of the responders and it's all just a game.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this...

5280lady posted 6/8/2016 15:28 PM

Hi Trick,

This is actually my first post, but have been reading here for many years. I was compelled to reply because I've been in a similar situation, and can tell you firsthand it is dangerous to take anything your parter says as absolute truth at his point. Craigslist is a seedy world and I am painfully familiar w some of the depravity that takes place in the m4m. The health of the unaware wife is rarely on the list of concerns of a cheating husband.

I would strongly emplore you to make decisions regarding your health assuming there are things you don't know. Please go to your doctor for a full std panel ( tell them there is a possibility your bf has had anonymous gay relations-- I know this is tough but very important.) Protect your health going forward until you have more proof of your safety than what he says.

Every situation is different, but he has plenty of reasons not to be forthcoming (loss of your relationship, shame, etc.) compounded by the fact that he lives as a straight man and is secretly interested in gay sex.

You don't need to decide what to do about your relationship until you have more data, but take care of your health in the meantime. There is plenty of info on how to dig out the truth, which I would recommend you do to know the full scope.

Hugs to you and I am sorry you find yourself here

[This message edited by 5280lady at 3:30 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/8/2016 20:29 PM

Hi everyone,

I consider very important to have the information from our previous thread if it is possible because this is not a very common topic and there were resources, very inspiring posts from many years ago (2007! Almost nine years!)

so I am posting the link here and I hope I am not violating any rules?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=185096&HL=46119

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/8/2016 20:53 PM

Dear (((BOP)))

I remember when you first came to this forum. I felt so sad that you were so young and going through someting so traumatic!

I can see that you are doing better and I am sure that Time will continue to do its job and you will feel better very soon.

At around 1 year and 4 months I felt a HUGE shift and the depression was gone! And suddendly I started to feel happier.

You are approaching that BOP, you will feel it in a few months, keep going, don't slow down at this moment, try to do your absolute best and you will feel soooo much better in a few months!

I am very hopeful for you

Love
LMM


[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 10:22 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]

Trick posted 6/9/2016 08:47 AM

Thank you, 5280lady. I have been thinking about going to the doctor as my first concern. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in all this.

Gloomyfish77 posted 6/9/2016 09:24 AM

This thread saved my life but I have not healed yet.....well done BOP.....honey, my SI sister, you are doing great.... LMM......you're my inspiration, I want to be happy again.......me, GF, hating the fact my WH sucked dick, took dick, licked another vagina, fucked another woman, kissed man and woman plus more.....I still feel sick I go to sleep with this man every night....that he could do this to us, to me.....but I love him :-(..... Don't think I'll ever heal

Newbies......hang tough....sending love and strength to you.....this sucks :-( keep posting, we understand. Xx

[This message edited by Gloomyfish77 at 9:26 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]

Trick posted 6/9/2016 14:56 PM

I'm struggling with the same-sex issue. I feel like it's an enemy I don't know how to fight.

Would love to know how others are dealing with this particular issue?

(I know I'm all over the place with my posts here...new and still head spinning).

5280lady posted 6/9/2016 22:30 PM

Hi trick. Sorry this is one of the slower boards here, guess we are just that lucky and rare....

So.... The conclusion I came to with regard to the wayward who cheated with men is that it was an enemy I could not fight and he is now my ex.

I know those words both sting and feel alien and removed from where your head and heart are now. I sense in your words an ardent desire to work things out with your boyfriend. The difficult truth is even in the best case scenario, you have a lot to heal, rebuild and unravel. It would require a 150% commitment on BOTH your parts.. Unfortunately, I can speak for the majority of betrayed partners in this thread who found out much, much more as this process unfolded-- compounding the entire situation with more pain and more to sort.

Do you feel comfortable sharing more information or giving an update?

BallofPain posted 6/10/2016 00:37 AM

It's normal for you to be all over the place. It's a terrible enemy to have to fight. You're on the deluxe roller coaster. You not only have to deal with the cheating but sexuality thing as well. Horrible, horrible.

I didn't deal with it well at first, honestly. No one does.

I started out with going to a free, walk in counselling service. The first one was ok. I walked in 10 minutes before they closed but the social worker saw that I needed help. She assigned me a different counsellor for the follow up week and after that counsellor and one more at the walk in service, I noticed that I wasn't getting the advice I needed. It felt like even they didn't know what to do with me. But at the time, it worked well enough. The first one gave some very valid advice.

The advice was to find something that you want to do but never had the chance to try it and just do it. For me, it was archery. It worked well enough for me when I tried it.

Unfortunately, that was the last archery session in my area for a few months. I then researched and found a counsellor/psychologist to help me. By then, the sadness and pain was too overwhelming. He was an amazing counsellor.

There's the usual advice on SI that I do recommend you follow:

-Keep eating. This was tougher than it seemed. Eat whatever and whenever you feel like it. Make sure to eat at least something once a day. You may have to rely on smoothies for a bit. Eventually, you'll move on to something better. I ended up eating one small pack of yogurt snacks a day before my boss told me to eat a box of chicken wings because he couldn't stand seeing me not eat.

-Sleep...Essential oils and meditation apps helped. You may need to get something from your doctor if you're having a hard time on this. Avoid alcohol.

My advice is to get through the stunned/shocked part of the process before thinking in depth about the sexuality mess in front of you. Talk it out with a trusted friend. Choose the right friend, one who will listen to you. Like REALLY LISTEN. Not one who will force their opinion on you. This friend will support you even if he/she does not agree with you. You should not feel unheard around this trusted friend. Your actions, your opinions, you shouldn't be made to feel like a child or dumb or judged about them. Talk about whatever you want, what ever you feel comfortable talking about.

As for the gay thing, it took a lot of thinking. It took a lot of talking. On my end, I had to work through the stages. I was in denial, then depressed, then angry.

The theory that I believe is that you can't control your sexuality. However, you need the right environment to be able to express it. He didn't have the right environment until just before he started his cheating. My counsellor and I worked this out about 2-3 months after DDay. I guess realizing how broken my ex was, how confused he was, how there wasn't anything I could do to prevent this, how it wasn't my fault made me accept it (Oh goodness, I'm crying).

This isn't going to be easy. It took 5 months for me to actually feel a little like myself again.

If you are aiming to work things out, it is possible. But, keep in mind, it takes a lot of work. I do recommend IC (individual counselling) for both of you. He needs it to figure out his sexuality and the origin of why he is doing all of this.

This site will always be here for you. I'm so sorry to find you here but you are in good company.

[This message edited by BallofPain at 1:26 PM, June 12th (Sunday)]

Trick posted 6/10/2016 07:11 AM

Thank you all sooo much. You are truly amazing.

Gloomyfish77 posted 6/10/2016 08:29 AM

(((Trick)))

I'm still all over the place and I'm seven months from DDay ......don't pressurise yourself to feel better.....I did and it hasn't worked out :-(

At first I obsessed over the same gender sex, completely shocked & confused, then focused on the fact he f*cked a woman too......initially he said " with a guy would hurt me less" so wtf!!!! Anyway, then I realised it was WH choice....yes he was depressed, yes he drank but he still made the choice to do it for three years!!!

Now, I'm angry, still confused but in front of me stands my changed WH, who has been to IC, who has stopped drinking, who is open and willing to discuss everything BUT now I don't know who to be angry with.....mainly myself......THIS IS BAD......do not be me

Hugs and strength to you my friend

GF
X

Gloomyfish77 posted 6/10/2016 08:29 AM

(((Trick)))

I'm still all over the place and I'm seven months from DDay ......don't pressurise yourself to feel better.....I did and it hasn't worked out :-(

At first I obsessed over the same gender sex, completely shocked & confused, then focused on the fact he f*cked a woman too......initially he said " with a guy would hurt me less" so wtf!!!! Anyway, then I realised it was WH choice....yes he was depressed, yes he drank but he still made the choice to do it for three years!!!

Now, I'm angry, still confused but in front of me stands my changed WH, who has been to IC, who has stopped drinking, who is open and willing to discuss everything BUT now I don't know who to be angry with.....mainly myself......THIS IS BAD......do not be me

Hugs and strength to you my friend

GF
X

BallofPain posted 6/12/2016 13:32 PM

Agreeing with what GloomyFish has said about pressuring yourself to feel better. Everyone takes things at their own pace. We are individuals.

A few people have called me weak for not getting over it in a weeks or even a few days. Heck, I've been mocked for needing to go to a counsellor. There was even one case of someone trying to take advantage of me. I have since cut ties with those people. Yes, I have looked back, but I have no regrets.

*Hugs to you GloomyFish*. Try not to be angry with yourself. You are the victim in all this. Why be angry at the victim?

elcapeeetan posted 6/13/2016 14:21 PM

So glad I found SI and this thread. My STBXWW desperately wants to reconcile. She swears the same sex affair, and cheating with another woman while we dated, were more of a "security thing." She swears she is not gay/bi. No idea what to do with that. I have asked for divorce and we are hashing out a settlement now. Part of me wants to believe we can work. I'm so scared it would be fighting a losing battle against her sexuality on top of all the other crap to work through with any betrayal. It's too much right now.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/13/2016 14:32 PM

Please pray for gloomy fish, she was suicidal (has been since she found out) and now is very ill in a hospital.

I wish we all find our strenght and peace. And I wish gloomy get out of the pain as soon as possible.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/13/2016 15:00 PM

I'm struggling with the same-sex issue. I feel like it's an enemy I don't know how to fight.
Would love to know how others are dealing with this particular issue?

Dear trick, welcome to our group and so sorry that you are here.

This issue with sexuality is a nightmare and is something I personally never expected.

When I found out I thought I was gonna be able to recover very fast (I am trained in many holistic therapies) but I didn't knew that infidelity does a lot of things to your brain like:

1.-PTSD
2.-Depression
3.-Anxiety
4.-And the stages of grief
5.-Among others

And that is why is difficult to heal from this easily.

However you are in this forum and in my opinion is the best place to find support, help and wisdom so, here are some things that may be helpful.

1.-Read the thread (our previous thread) in its entirety. It has many resources and inspiration from other members.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=185096&AP=741&HL=46119

2.-And the healing library was my favorite place when I found out:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

I believe I read this section and the 180 many times daily for MONTHS!
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Also please feel free to post in other forums like JFO and General, you will receive a lot of help from more experienced members (this forum is a little slow)

And keep posting here if you have doubts or need help, we are here for you.

hugs and light
LMM

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 3:09 PM, June 13th (Monday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/13/2016 15:31 PM

Hi elcapeeetan,

Welcome to this forum and I am so sorry that you are here but this is a great place to be due the circumstances.

I have read in books and in this forum that if a person kisses or has sex with someone of their same, then she is not 100% straight and I absolutely agree.

I am 100% straight and I would never consider having sex with a woman, never, ever.

If she had a same sex relationship she is not 100% straight and there will always be a possibility (maybe a tiny) that she go through the same route again.

How did you find out?

Has she stopped the affair?

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