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Kids left the house and she started an affair

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yankees99 posted 3/5/2017 21:15 PM

I was redirected here and could desperately use your assistance everyone. My wife, has been having an affair with a guy at her job.

Married twenty years, 2 older children in university. I found out about the affair 17 days ago. Told me she would end it and let's work on our marriage, also told me "they never did anything, not even kiss" I found out because I saw her messages which she said "I love you so much"

I was doing what I now know as the pick me game. So 10 days ago she decided she would rather hang out with him so she spends the night with the guy. I was devastated. Told me she didn't think she loved me anymore.

She comes back when his teenage kids get to his house (he's divorced). Once Monday rolls around she stays the night and enjoys her life with him until Friday. Meanwhile I'm sitting in ourbroken home without my wife and my children who are at university, I am ashamed to admit I did think about ending my life.

Due to the lack of remorse and her spending her nights in another mans bed I finally filed. Today I served her with divorce papers, she told me she now feels confused and thinks we can work and save our marriage. I am lost, this has been the worst two weeks of my life. Just looking for any help.

One of my coworkers informed me through text he saw my wife kissing another guy on Wednesday at a bar which is this same guy she's cheating on me with. I didn't even respond due to humiliation. Finally realized I needed to file.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 10:20 PM, March 5th (Sunday)]

4kids posted 3/5/2017 21:24 PM

Oh yankees99, I am so sorry you found yourself here, but there is no place better.
Please post here when you are feeling low like you have been. We are here for you and you are a betrayed person like all of us. We have been where you are. We get it. We know this pain. It is like no other.
I am new here as well. I will leave the advice to the ones among us that are further along.
As I've noticed these last week's of being on here it can be a bit slow on the weekends. Please hang in there and I'll keep checking up on you for a bit as I'm planning to be on here for a while yet.
Start reading the healing library in the yellow box upper left corner

Sending you strength. People here really do understand. You are no longer alone.

yankees99 posted 3/5/2017 22:08 PM

Thank you. This is truly the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

4kids posted 3/5/2017 22:22 PM

I know it is.
It is so painful. Like no pain I had felt before in my whole life.

Right now you are feeling so many feelings. Shock. Fear. Bewilderment.

This is all normal to feel this way. It is all the result of the trauma you have been delt. And it is a great trauma. And it was given to you by the one person you should have been able to trust above all others.

I'm so sorry.

The people here will help you, yankees99. Take what they give you and trust it.

I understand you are alone right now. Is there anyone you can confide in or anyone that could come and stay with you?

heartbroken_kk posted 3/5/2017 22:24 PM

I'm so sorry you are here yankees99. It's a terrible thing that brings you to SI but this is a great place full of helpful caring people.

You can get through this. We can help you. Can you write more about your situation and give us some background?

How did you find the message where she said "I love you?" Did you believe she didn't even kiss him? What has she confessed to? Obviously, if she is spending the night with him they are having a full blown sexual affair.

Is he divorced because he was cheating on his wife? What do you know about this guy?

Sorry about the 20 questions. Please take care of yourself, remember to eat, drink water, exercise. Avoid alcohol or drugs, they won't help you right now and if you are having suicidal ideation are a VERY bad idea.

Please see your doctor, and research and find a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people recover from infidelity. You do not need a marriage counselor, obviously if you have filed that is not on the table now. And good for you for filing.

Please read up in the healing library, in the pinned posts, and hunt further down in the forum for posts marked with a target symbol for more helpful guidance. The 180 is a very helpful technique for you to focus your attention on your own needs and away from her. Your mind will be flooded with why and what if questions and you should ignore them for now and just focus on today only.

Hugs, others will be along with more to say, please keep posting!

yankees99 posted 3/5/2017 22:40 PM

I've lost about 10 lbs since I have found out I just don't have that much of an appetite. So 10 days she texted me saying she doesn't think she loves me anymore. She stayed the night with her coworker. Came back the next day and told me she doesn't know if she wants to work on our marriage. Monday hits and she spends the night everyday since this Friday. My co worker saw her and this guy kissing and laughing at a bar near their workplace. She was showing remorse for the first week. Was living it up with him since then.

I've been an absolute wreck. I confided in a friend who literally forced me(in a caring way) to file and came with me I owe her a lot. She told me I'm letting my wife walk all over me and she's right. The other man I don't know much about except that he's divorced. I know his facebook since my wife has him added.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 10:40 PM, March 5th (Sunday)]

4kids posted 3/5/2017 22:51 PM

I know it's hard but you must eat. This will be the biggest and hardest fight of your life, no matter what happens.

Your body needs to be nourished so your brain can think. So you can process all of this and what is to come. So you can make the right decisions.

Find some meal replacement. There are drinks or bars. If you have no appetite, at least shove one of them down so you can function.

I'm glad you have a friend who cares. You are doing the right thing.

Keep posting

LifeIsBroken posted 3/5/2017 22:58 PM

Sorry you're here. It's not a fun ride, as you know. SI can help. I think, for me, the validation I found here was huge. The waywards all tell the same lies, follow the same basic actions. They think it's special. It isn't. Just another run-of-the-mill affair. Your having filed will either wake her up or it won't. But, if it does, you will have a decision to make: keep her or be done. IF she comes around, don't let her back in until she does a huge amount of counseling to figure out what she's missing in herself. And, honestly, if that were to happen, by then you may not give a rip whether she sees the light. Affairs have a way of destroying trust and respect. Once those are no longer present in a marriage.... well, really, what do you have ?

Know that you did nothing to cause her to cheat. NOTHING. Her choice and only hers. Losing weight is a common 'side affect' of cheating. I dropped 25 lbs in 5 weeks then another 10 lbs after that. It wears you out and wears you down. If you're having trouble sleeping or concentrating, don't be afraid to see your doc for meds to help. I finally did and it took about 5 weeks to get myself back on track with regard to sleep and the constant body hum. If you have access to counseling, someone with experience when it comes to infidelity, go for it. Sooner rather than later. Meanwhile, lean on your friends, especially if they've been where you are. Do read the healing library in the yellow box / upper left on the screen. A ton of great information. And, do post here. We get it. Sending hugs your way. (((( ))))

wk55hn posted 3/5/2017 23:59 PM

You are filing for divorce. Will your kids find out? Have they been told yet? If so, what happened?

It is not uncommon to hear about affairs after the kids have left the nest. Cheating itself is very common. The nature of it is for her to want both him and you, not lose either of you, hence the "cheating" - it is against the "rules" of a monogamous relationship.

So she lies about it. She is getting some needs met from him, some by you. She gets romance/sex from him, she gets stability/finances/repuation from you. Let's face it, she could have divorced you if she wanted to, but she didn't; she could have broken up with him if she wanted to, but she didn't; she has chosen to do whatever she can, lies or not, telling you she wants to work on the marriage, telling him she's has a "live-in separation" agreement with you, so she can keep both of you.

So now that you caught her, and she openly is cheating in your face, she seems to be manipulating you that she is "confused" and trying to drag this out as much as possible - to keep her "having her cake and eating it too" desire. It is kind of a very immature selfish mentality, she may even be resentful and angry of you not letting her do this. Her mentality in that respect is that of a pre-teen. Her mentality of the "love" with the other man is that of teenager.

Every affair I have heard of said that the cheater felt "alive" like they haven't since they were in high school.

It is an infatuation with the guy, and it is in what I refer to the "affair bubble," a kind of invisible bubble around them that keeps all reality out. No finances, no chores, no kids, just sex and I love you's. When you start to divorce her, when the kids and her family find out, when she has to start actually live with him day in and day out, the reality eventually will seep in and the "in love" infatuation will fade or burst. In the meantime, very likely, your give-a-shit will break before that, and after her being so cruel, you will not even want her back after a short while.

In the meantime, if you haven't told your wife's family and yours about the divorce and the reason for it, you should. Just tell them she has been having an affair and she refuses to end it. She said she would, and she didn't, and instead she ramped it up.

If your wife wants to work with you, truly, then let her do some actions to prove it to you. Let her willingly find another job, get tested for STDs, and tell her family and your kids that she is committing to you and ending the affair with him. She should be doing things to let you know that she is truthful, to the extent possible that she is no longer in contact with him. Like changing her phone/email, deleting social media, etc., until your marriage is on more stable ground.

But don't get your hopes up. And make sure she is doing the ACTIONS, not just words. She will tell you she is going to do it, but that is not good enough. She actually has to do it.

Tren0R201 posted 3/6/2017 03:52 AM

First expose expose expose.

Your wife has left the marriage. She's not confused, unsure, or "doesn't know what she wants" she's a grown woman who must bear the actions of her choices.

Secondly well done on filing, now separate accounts and as much as possible try to go NC with your WW. She doesn't get to come home and pretend to care then go out and have fun with her boyfriend all week, as hard as it is start to work on yourself, see an IC if you need to, hang out with buddies but most importantly take care of yourself. Eat, drink, workout.

The time for playing games is now over. Limit her nonsense "I don't know what I want speeches" and stop settling for being plan B.

yankees99 posted 3/6/2017 06:19 AM

Exposing is something I have been thinking about. I guess she just expects me not to tell anyone.

When I got into the phone I saved some of the texts such as the I love you and some ego destroying information. Telling him she's going to be his "cowgirl".

Yes I feel like plan b even though she sounded sincere yesterday. I don't understand she never said she wanted a divorce but was happily spending her life with this guy. Like me or my feelings did not mean a thing to her.

Sharkman posted 3/6/2017 06:24 AM

It's called 'cake eating'. Filing, as you have, is about all you can do with a situation as extreme as this one. Exposure to friend and family as well.

Don't expose to the workplace though. If she loses that job you'll be on the hook for more alimony

OrdinaryDude posted 3/6/2017 06:32 AM

Though exposing to work after the D is a different story altogether...just sayin'.

OrdinaryDude posted 3/6/2017 06:34 AM

I would, however, have her served with the papers at work in front of her coworkers, just to drive the point home.

Tren0R201 posted 3/6/2017 06:40 AM

Take yourself out of the equation, that she's doing this to you or that to you.

At this moment all you are is an obstacle to doing what she wants. If she has to run over you (as you've found out) she will do it. So while there will be some guilt, she can erase it from her mind because she's got new romance to cover up those feelings..and you.

But as with everything, perfect harmony only thrives if everything exists in a self contained bubble. What's the issue, everyone is happy. She gets a week with her boyfriend but when his kids come home she makes herself scarce. Like wise your own kids and family have no clue. This is why exposure is key. If this is real true love then she won't mind if everyone knows the truth?

Certainly you won't mind if everyone knows the truth? Don't suffer alone for a fool. Start to take care of yourself. Let her actions have real consequences.

masti posted 3/6/2017 06:50 AM

Burst that bubble. Let your children and family know asap. Otherwise she is getting away abusing you. Stop taking that abuse and be strong brother.

BBBD posted 3/6/2017 07:16 AM

Expose expose expose.

But be prepared for your wife to beg and plead for forgiveness. Are you willing to D or R when she throws herself at you?

Just remember, she will want you for your security not because she loves you.

ChamomileTea posted 3/6/2017 07:18 AM

What you're seeing is regret, not remorse. Big difference. Remorse would mean she has real empathy for how she hurt you. Regret, while it might look very convincing, is really about how it all affects her.

I think you're doing the right thing by proceeding to divorce. If she ever finds any REAL remorse, you'll be able to see the difference. She would be at a point in which she's willing to do anything to try and make it right for you.

These guys are telling you exactly right about the importance of self-care. You need to eat, hydrate, see your doctor to manage your anxiety and sleep habits. Exercise when you can, even if it's just walking.

So sorry this happened to you. You're already handling it like a champ though, so be proud of yourself.

GuyInPain posted 3/6/2017 08:28 AM

You've already received a lot of good counsel here, Yankees99. Points I would emphasize:

Suicidal thoughts: The only time in my life when I considered suicide was during the weeks after DDay for my wife's adultery. For those of us who take marriage seriously as a whole-life commitment, a spouse's adultery wrecks our world. So suicidal thoughts are pretty common. They're also very serious, so reach out to a help line when you feel like you might act on them.

Sounds like your WW is indeed confused. Your setting clear boundaries will help clear the confusion. Your being vague, compassionate, relenting etc. about boundaries will compound her confusion. So: Do not let her back into the house until she has verifiably broken off her other relationship(s) & committed to NC. By verification I mean, for instance, she's written & sent a letter to OM that you have seen.

Get tested for STDs. Adulterers are reckless about protection & you don't need the additional complication of an STD. Once she has broken off with OM, insist that she get tested for STDs that'll be another reality check for her, since getting tested is humiliating. Obviously, do not have sex with her in the current situation. Yeah, your own need to restore the relationship may prompt you out of love, desire & need to try to have sex with her, but: Resist the hysterical bonding!

Yes, inform her family. Be prepared to offer proof in the form of the texts etc. that you've intercepted so that they will have to deal with the reality rather than speculate you're over-sensitive, paranoid, etc. Her family knowing may help knock some sense into her.

Divorce filing: You've already done it & maybe that also will help knock some sense into her, though it's not clear yet that that has happened. Overall, it sounds like you'd like to retrieve your marriage, so I suggest keeping the filing but delay following through until you have a better sense of whether your WW is willing to break off with OM & recommit to marriage with you.

Get IC. Try to persuade your WW to go into MC with you.

Realize that the process of coming to clarity is going to take time. You're only weeks into this. Be prepared for irresolution to persist for months, at least. Even if she recommits, be prepared for the healing to take at least a couple of years, during which MC will be crucial.

Reach out to friends & family. You need support beyond SI.

We empathize with you, support you & wish you the best on this hard road.

wk55hn posted 3/6/2017 08:55 AM

It will be better if you could treat her like a person, not your wife. Cut the incredulous stuff. And the "like she didn't care about you." You were a distant, distant thought of you. You didn't learn infidelity in school and it's not something you learn until it happens to you. But it is a behavioral science, and in many aspects it is counterintuitive.

Read the other threads here, especially the wives who cheated on their husbands. You will find some universal aspects (the pick-me dance doesn't work, only makes it worse) and then you will find sub-types of affairs and betrayed husbands. Some husbands were abusers, drunkers/druggers, or otherwise terrible husbands, a very small subset. Other than those. Some ignored their wives constant pleas of unhappiness. There are some "exit" affairs. A very small subset of those. Other than that, the stuff is all very similar. You are in that large majority.

How sincere she looks is meaningless. You can't tell. The only thing to look at is ACTIONS. If the words meet the actions, you can believe them. If not, believe the actions.

What actions has she done so far?

Actions matter for you, too. The ones who get through this best are the ones who take strong decisive actions early. Not doing anything like exposing while she screwed another man puts you a bit behind the curve.

If you divorce, people - your families, your children - will ask why. What will you tell them? Why not just tell them now?

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