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How do I help if I don't want to R?

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sassylee posted 10/23/2017 21:14 PM

So the affair - or at least your wayward thinking began back in 2013? Two years before IHS?

gonnabegr8 posted 10/23/2017 21:39 PM

this thread is five months old -- willing to bet OP is long gone

sassylee posted 10/23/2017 21:47 PM

Lol Gonnabgr8!!! Good catch...I hate it when super old threads are bumped like this!!! Gotta remember to catch the dates... you know what else I've done? Answered on a long thread that I think is new - only to read the whole thing beginning to end to find I'd answered it before...I read on my phone so I can't always see who's writing. I once read a response on an old bumped thread and thought - that's a smart answer - who wrote that? and it's me lol - it's why I added the flourish in my signature I can recognize my own posts lol. Thanks for updating me!!

gonnabegr8 posted 10/23/2017 22:03 PM

that's funny sassy!!

From time to time I'll read an old post of mine and have no recollection of it at all - this one I did too.

Oh dear...... Bedtime here!

Just for you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I added dots for you )

smilethrupain posted 10/26/2017 18:41 PM

I'm going to post even though this thread is old, in case anyone else reading gets value from my different perspective as a BS.

I'm going to go against the grain in this thread and say that I admire the OP's interest and quest to help her BS heal. Whether she can or can't is a different story, but it warms me a little to see that she'd like to. I have made it clear to my WS (or STBXWH) that I need him to help me heal. I need it, because we genuinely like each other and have been through a lot and are raising a young kid together now. I cannot go through the rest of my life hurting this way and hating his guts for what he's done. So I fully need and expect him to at least try to work through this shit sandwich together, even though I know he's still very much in the fog and doesn't want to R. He's been looking for more therapists to help us in this new phase.

So, I don't know how that looks. I guess just hearing me out until I feel like he has a general grasps of the pain this caused? Until I know that he sees our relationship had been re-written for so long that he doesn't remember the good. Until he finally opens up about what the fuck he was thinking and how the kind, loving man I knew and married could lead such an evil, double life? I don't know what that "help" looks like, but I need it.

[This message edited by smilethrupain at 6:41 PM, October 26th (Thursday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 10/27/2017 00:32 AM

I really don't think you have a clear or firm grasp on your life or situation. I agree on which came first the terrible M or the A? That's pretty cloudy. Either way you put a nail in the coffin when you cheated, which is what it was and possibly still is. Well, unless you told him you were talking to OM and sleep with him for 2 years. . If you hid it or denied it you were a liar. Stop sugar coating it. An In house separation did not give you that license and you know it. You were still M. Own it fully.

You are not helping him in any way by staying with him if you plan to D him and are already so checked out. It isn't loving, it's more selfishness. I bet you haven't told him that you plan to D him, right? More lies. He doesn't know his reality with you again. You have a hidden narrative. That is deceptive. You cannot prevent him from being hurt, he already is. You are not in the position to help him heal but instead will inflict even more pain. The kindest thing would have to to be honest 2 years ago. That would be the kindest thing to do now so he can get on with his life without you. That is possible by the way.

My BF just went through this with her H. Worse than him leaving her and her baby daughter and abandoning them emotionally and physically ....hiding his A, keeping her on the hook while he was jumping off of it, then giving her false hope of R after he confessed, and then leaving her AGAIN! Does that sound loving to you? It was cruel. She still has to heal on her own since he eventually chose D anyway.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:34 AM, October 27th (Friday)]

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