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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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beauchateaux posted 6/27/2017 06:25 AM

Boy howdy, these people are something else! Honestly, and please don't take this to mean I don't care about your own experience in having to take a call like this in the middle of the night, but all I could think about as I read your blow-by-blow of the conversation was the OBS. This idiot was so intent on ripping you a new one that he said all this stuff in front of his poor wife?

Your wife crying means nothing at this point. She did this to herself. He did this to himself. They both did it to you and OBS. And now they want to cry and be angry that it's blowing up their worlds. Nope. Sorry.

You handled everything very well. You kept your dignity. So did OBS, it seems. Good for you both.

Mrhealed posted 6/27/2017 07:09 AM

Ohforanewme

I am really impressed by your strength!

From your post other thought came to me.

As per OM2 your WW was the aggressor. Of course OM2 was very angry and would say anything to hurt you. Never the less, as this was OM2 there is a bit of true in his words. Sorry but your WW is a serial cheater that preferred to spend time with this kind of persons than her own family. IMO your WW is also a hyena…

The opposite of love is not hate, is indifference. There is a thin line between punishment and justice, even the line has more to do with the intention than the action itself…I am just saying this as your WW is still your kids mother so you will be attached to her for a long time and for life memorable moments (kid wedding, becoming a Grandfather, etc.). Your WW has been under a tremendous stress, she may deserve all of it and more but it may be affecting your kids. That’s why even if her doesn’t deserve it, try not to punish her…just move on with your life. I am not saying that all you have done is wrong, I am saying that it should be done tom move on and to have some justice instead of punishing your WW.

Your WW just has started to learn about infidelity devastating consequences. It is not just destroying her marriage (even if you R thing will never be the same), the innocence and magic of the marriage, but destroying other families (She is the hyena that destroyed OM family). The relation with her kids is tainted and will be tainted for a long time, there are moments in her kid’s life that she has lost forever, and there are moments to come that she will not be part of ... Infidelity has consequences in the long run and reaches a lot of persons. I hope the time she spent with the “stud” and OM1 worth all she has lost and is yet to loose. Her true punish is yet to come and it won't be by your hand, it will come from her own...

BTW have you told your kids about WW affair? If not, You may think they don’t know a thing but you will be surprised how much they know…Maybe not today, but in a few years they would want to know what happened and why you got Divorced. They may have a lot of doubts and questions right now, maybe after breaking the news to your wife is a good idea to get your kids some professional help.

Stevesn posted 6/27/2017 07:09 AM

MC 2 was superb and got her give me most of the answers that I needed but not some very crucial ones like how she managed to place AP above her children in such things as mothers day? And of course we did not come anywhere near anything close to a satisfactory why.

Ohfor... I was going back thru your thread looking for any that came close to a WHY from your WW. Of course I know rarely is truly an answer. But I was wondering how she responds to those crucial questions? How does she process them and what does she say when asked?

BTW. Your interactions with OM and OBS have been on point and you have shown great dignity thru this process.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:10 AM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 6/27/2017 07:45 AM

I love the concept of the opposite of love being indifference rather than hate. That is something that i can identify with. I am so indifferent about what her feelings are right now. Maybe if I hated her I would want her to feel hurt, but I honestly don't care what she is feeling.

I must say that I battle to see her as a hyena. Guess it is still easier to see him as the devil. In her I still see my beautify radiant 20 year old bride walking down the aisle, but in OBS world it is WW that snacked on the carcass of their marriage.

I plan to tell WW about my D decision this Friday evening. The kids fly to be with my brother and his family on Friday morning.

They get back in the late afternoon next week Friday and that is I when I hope that the 2 of us can tell them together.

As to why's. Since counseling began she just keeps saying she cannot conceive what a valid why would be. I have truly been a good, attentive husband. We had a blissfully happy marriage and wonderful kids (am I allowed just a little brag? DD was awarded the academic Dux again at the school awards ceremony on Friday morning) the with none of the usual stresses like financial problems that can sometimes contribute to issues.

There has to be something in the alcoholic farther thing but she never allowed MC2 to go there. Said that I had been too supportive to her on that so it could not be that. Have no idea of what comes out of her IC.

So as I said. Nothing close to a satisfactory why? Was frustrating in the extreme but now I don't care any more.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:47 AM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

Mrhealed posted 6/27/2017 08:03 AM

Sometimes we tend to find a why that makes sense but, at least in my opinion, is hardly the case regarding infidelity.

Maybe she was just tired of a perfect life and loving husband...

When she says that can find a why, she is telling she can find a why you will understand.

IMO her refusal to go deeper into her FOO is a clear indicator that she doesn't want you to know that she is not the perfect wife/person. Maybe she destroyed her perfect life as she may feel she doesn't deserve it. One question, did you hold her in a pedestal before the Affair? Maybe the infidelity was her way to get back at you for putting so much expectations on her...

Anyhow, as was proven by talking to OM you will never know the true, not about the As, not about her why's. The good thing is that in no time you won't care.

Your WW is broken, don't let her broke you or your kids.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 8:04 AM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

Stevesn posted 6/27/2017 08:09 AM

Yeah I thought so.

I know every WS has to stand up and be accountable for their actions. And you are doing the absolute right thing for you which is what is most important.

Maybe I am crazy but I am feeling compassion for her. Compassion as in I feel really bad for someone who has destroyed what was a seamingly good and wonderful world and cannot answer the question WHY. It must be really hard for a truly remorseful person to handle the truth that the only person they can blame is themselves.

Maybe she has resolved herself to the fact that this is coming and is preparing herself for it. But I am assuming you'll make sure she has support for the aftermath whether she deserves it or not.

Also Interested if you ever hear comments from her about your late nite phone call. Maybe not. She may just know it's another nail in the M's coffin.

squid posted 6/27/2017 08:10 AM

ohforanewme,

I am a bit late to this thread. But having read your initial post and thanks to Jduff's recap and your subsequent posts, especially regarding how you handled telling the OBS, I really commend you on how well you handled this whole situation.

Your dignity has remained intact and you can walk away from this with full integrity.

Well done. Good luck to you moving forward.

farsidejunky posted 6/27/2017 08:25 AM

She did it because she wanted to.

She liked the way it felt and didn't want it to stop.

That is the answer for nearly all waywards. While the minutae of needs may vary, the why really is quite simple.

twisted posted 6/27/2017 08:50 AM

Hah, the phone call in the middle of the night! You handled it like a boss!
You are fortunate that you have evolved to the point you are at to be able to see where the OM's was going, and to arrive before him, only to see him struggling. You can't really help feeling sorry for a wounded animal like that.
Hopefully the OBS will find her way too.

Hopeful30 posted 6/27/2017 09:13 AM

The cruelty of wayward never ceases to amaze me.

For the AP to say all of those things to you while his wife sat and listened. SMH.

May you and the OBS find peace.

Sanibelredfish posted 6/27/2017 09:16 AM

Well, ohfor, that had to suck, but I think you handled it very well. You also managed to spare OBS the TT she was almost certain to face. POSOM must have had a moment or two of clarity after the call and realized all of what he divulged to her, lol. In my mind, there is no coming back from your BW hearing you describe how you watched your seed drip out of your AP. You gave him enough rope, and he hung himself with it.

I've had a few moments in my life where anger would have been appropriate, but all I could do was chuckle at the absurdity of the situation. In general, I've moved past those events pretty quickly and maybe the failure to get mad was an indication that I accepted the result even though I did not like it. You accepted they boned in a variety of unusual places and then one-upped him by mentioning the airport bathroom. You have no trouble dealing with unpleasant facts and I think it will help you in the long run.

Also, I think your WW knows what is coming. She's obviously an intelligent, albeit selfish, woman. I think she'll steel herself for your conversation on Friday and the tears you saw last night will be the only ones she sheds in front of you.

ohforanewme posted 6/27/2017 09:34 AM

Can you ever fathom the cheaters capacity for creativity (and lies)?

OBS2 called me a few moments ago (morning her time) from her office and thanked me for my strength and patience on taking the call last night.

Of course we cried again together, a lot. But we also laughed together. How can a BS laugh the day after D Day. She is a strong woman this. She had never felt anything was off in their relationship so was in no way prepared for this. But through our tears we laughed at the cheaters creative mind and their absolute belief in our naiveté.

After the call of last night AP2 got in his car and left. OBS took some medication to help her sleep. She knew she would need her strength and a clear mind.

When she woke, AP2 had made breakfast for her. He told her he recognised that he needed to come totally clean with her and confess everything. He wished he had last night. He confessed that there was an EA between him and WW but that it had never gone further. WW had desperately tried to make more of it but he would have none of it. He had seen her spend time with male prostitutes and would never sleep with a woman that took such risks.

He was ashamed of the EA but I was such a monster and treated WW so awfully that the good man in him just had to go to her assistance (I think the SI acronym is KISA?). He said WW had told him that I was a member of the secret police of the oppressive regime and I used all the mental torture techniques I had learnt there to torment her and he could not just stand back and watch a poor tormented women in such need.

Oh, and what of everything that he had said to me of last night? Well, none of that was true. He only said it to try and hurt me because of what I had done to him by getting him fired.

And then he adds that she must know that I will most probably use my friends from the secret police to fabricate other evidence against him.

We BSs are so desperate to love and believe the WSs whom we treasure so much that she admitted that she was desperate to believe all this. If she had not had the email evidence that I let her have, she would most probably have believed him.

I suggested that she try and get a copy of his confession from the employer. Not sure what the rules around that would be but surely a wife would have some right to get it?

This gentle, motherly looking woman is so strong. She has told the head of the practice where she works. Who in turn, has been wonderful. The practice is in a medical centre. Counselling has been organised for her. She will be going for STD screaming. She will be monitored by a practitioner and some moderate antidepressant medication has been prescribed.

She asked me my thoughts on telling. I explained that given the shaky ground that I was on on that one, I was possibly the last one to give advice. I did say that I thought she should tell as quickly as possible, everyone that she thought she could trust and look to for support. She has asked DD to come home for the weekend so that they can chat.

Oh, and she has been given time off to consult an attorney.

Way too soon to even think of R or D but at least it will be an informed choice when it comes.

Still hoping that I can get her to join here. I read so many wimp BS posts. SI needs a ballsy woman like this.

By the way, his story all along until the call to me was that he had been retrenched because of the economy. She begged him for the truth and promised that if he gave it she would commit to working through it.

midnightschild99 posted 6/27/2017 09:46 AM

Amazing oh. This level of calm under intense pressure reminds me of the lions I've had the pleasure to watch in the Masai Mara.

I love the way this feel like you are coolly hunting these APs down.

Has your WW come back and apologised to you for having to listen to that filth? That sounded like the final shrieks of a dying animal.

Sanibelredfish posted 6/27/2017 09:51 AM

Lol, I believe we have our first case of trickle lies (TL). He's a creative POSOM alright. At least your WW did not try to insult your intelligence similarly.

Stevesn posted 6/27/2017 10:01 AM

Does she have any interest in talking to WW to confirm all that you have said?

Sharkman posted 6/27/2017 10:04 AM

She does sound like a strong woman, but also NEVER forget that it was YOUR actions that enabled her to be strong. So many betrayeds are subjects to days/weeks/months/years of mental anguish, betrayal, trickle truth, etc. They are like frogs boiling in a pot.

You gave her a gift that is priceless. She got the truth in one fell swoop. Out of the 50,000 people here I bet that 25,000 would give their entire life savings to have such a gift at that point in their lives.

ohforanewme posted 6/27/2017 10:05 AM

Hey Midnightschild

Isn't the Masai Mara just fabulous. So glad that you have had the privileged of experiencing it. Have you done the Crater ever?

I feel a little special, you comparing my actions to one of their lions.

Thanks. Am acting very brave now but understandably feeling a touch fragile.

ohforanewme posted 6/27/2017 10:12 AM

Thanks Sharkman.

As I said. Can use all the accolades available right now.

Kids about to get home after afternoon extra-murals.

Think we will go to the club for supper tonight.

Jduff posted 6/27/2017 10:59 AM

That whole drivel from the AP2 of what an Adonis this guy was to your WW and then this...

He was ashamed of the EA but I was such a monster and treated WW so awfully that the good man in him just had to go to her assistance (I think the SI acronym is KISA?). He said WW had told him that I was a member of the secret police of the oppressive regime and I used all the mental torture techniques I had learnt there to torment her and he could not just stand back and watch a poor tormented women in such need.

Oh, and what of everything that he had said to me of last night? Well, none of that was true. He only said it to try and hurt me because of what I had done to him by getting him fired.

And then he adds that she must know that I will most probably use my friends from the secret police to fabricate other evidence against him.


Wow, the narcissism in this one! Like we often say here, ohforanewme, that our waywards often "affair down" but boy did she scrape the bottom of the barrel of assholes to come across this guy! I have to wonder what the OBS2 could have ever seen in him. I am certain right now she is asking herself the same thing.

Having been an OBS in my past situation I can deeply empathize with the OBS in yours. Trust me when I say you have given her the gift of truth, empowerment, and choice to spend her future however she chooses, with or without her cheating spouse. I really appreciate how you have remained available to her for information, advice and support.

And like farsidejunky said about your STBXW's "why" being that "she wanted to" is often the case with infidelity. Your STBXW demonstrated before that her "wants" are more important then your consideration and input.

Hurting8264 posted 6/27/2017 11:29 AM

I trusted my WW so much that she was also able to use it against me... really sucks.

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