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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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PlanNine posted 6/27/2017 12:30 PM

This idiot was so intent on ripping you a new one that he said all this stuff in front of his poor wife?
It's amazing isn't it? Some people will just keep on digging their hole ever deeper, hoping that a little dirt will hit someone else.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 12:31 PM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 6/27/2017 13:25 PM

It's true, the opposite of love is indifference. Not many people know that. Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin.

Thanks for the updates and keeping your chin up.

twisted posted 6/27/2017 15:13 PM

He said WW had told him that I was a member of the secret police of the oppressive regime and I used all the mental torture techniques I had learnt there to torment her and he could not just stand back and watch a poor tormented women in such need.

You must be some kinda evil secret agent spy guy now?
I figured there was something sketchy about you!

20yrsagoBS posted 6/27/2017 16:03 PM

(((Hugs))) ohforanewme. Your post brought me to tears! Your WW cheating while her own mother lay dying! Monstrous!

isitme24 posted 6/27/2017 18:57 PM

ohfor

I'm sorry you had to join our club and I'm very sorry you had to endure AP2's delusional tirade. You handled yourself with grace and integrity.

I'd also like to thank you for having the strength and courage to share it. It should be compulsory reading for all new BS's and possibly WS's.

What you experienced is the true ugliness that is infidelity laid bare and the utter lack of morality and character that ALL AP's and WS's possess during an affair. I'm sorry you were subjected to it. What you dealt with was more overt and malicious than the norm but not a large leap for any WS. Some didn't start in that mental and moral swamp and some don't remain there but they all check-in for a stay.

You sound like you understand that their behavior is not a reflection of you and it's not. The only thing you control is the way you comport yourself going forward.

Wishing you peace

isitme24

StopSpinning posted 6/27/2017 23:23 PM

Ohforanewme

Know that you inspire me. I'm inspired by your display of dignity and grace. I'm inspired by your strength. Like you, I'm an extremely private person. Even under the cloak of annoniminty, posting here has been very difficult for me.

For a short period of time after I discovered Liar Liar's (the name I use for "the one that shall not be named") activities, I felt I had utterly and completely failed. Although I may appear to be strong on the outside, I needed to hear from others in like situations that I am not at fault and I am NOT a failure. Thank you for reminding with this:

My marriage has failed but I am not a failure and I have a future.

Continued strength to you! Your future is indeed bright.

ohforanewme posted 6/28/2017 00:28 AM

So what was it that Burns said about the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men?

I sent a message to WW yesterday evening suggesting that we take DD and Lad to the club for supper. She said that she needed to work late so I should take them.

Schools break up for the winter break today so there was not homework last night and the restaurant at the club was full. All the kids’ friends were there. Games, conversations and huddles of giggles went on way later than would be usual. I got such a sense of satisfaction seeing my 2 precious people so happy.

Getting home so late it was straight, shower and bed. WW helped me tuck them in and then came upstairs to our bedroom, sat on the bet and told me that she was moving back into Gran’s place.

She felt so filthy that she just couldn’t bear to climb into the pristine white sheets of our bed. And she left.

I have a suspicion that Friday’s discussion is going to much easier than I had anticipated.

I am just a bit concerned about what is going on in her head right now.

20Years, isitme and StopSpining, and all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I never thought that I would have the strength. You guys hold me up.

Sharkman posted 6/28/2017 00:46 AM

I mean...she's not an idiot. She can probably see it coming from a mile away.

She was all nice and happy before that it seemingly getting rug swept. Then seeing you've been acting independently of her how now made her question what else is happening.

Truth be told her leaving like that is very selfish. Were she interested in true reconciliation she'd ask your needs. Particularly since she can't be trusted further than you can throw her right now

ohforanewme posted 6/28/2017 02:18 AM

Our Exco of this morning has just been pushed out by an hour so I have given myself a moment to reflect on the tumult of the last few weeks.

Thought just came to me. On the call, wasn't it me that was supposed to be screaming at him and calling him every despicable name under the sun?

Boy he caught me off guard. Am just so pleased that my core programming didn't let me down.

Mrhealed posted 6/28/2017 02:51 AM

ohforanewme

There are a lot of details from her A´S that she has kept, small details that doesn’t make any difference in the big scheme. The excitement waiting for their encounters, the great sex (I am sorry but while in the A, the WS always finds sex with AP the best ever, after DDay the taste of that encounters may change, but how they felt at the moment no!), the jokes between the two of them, maybe badmouthed you, that she was the aggressor, the sexual compliment to OM (maybe reals maybe just to feed his ego…he seems that insecure kind of guy), etc…

I bet these small details are eating her alive…then adding to the mix the big ones: Putting OM first, even when her mother was dying, spending time with OM instead of her kids, the lying, etc…and the last ingredient, the catalyzers: the public humiliation for the exposure at work (she no longer works there but sure have friends…), the destruction of the other family, being a cheating recidivist after the OM1BS uncovered the first affair, your kids will know about the affair asking what have motivated the D, etc…

The reality of her actions is still to become even more real, and when everything is in the open she is going to be her hardest judge.

She is having a very good idea what is going to happened because all the sudden actions you have taken. By not joining you, and your kids, for supper she is putting some distance. One question, did she asked how dinner was? Maybe she as trying to figure out if she was missed or the life of your kids and yours will be just fine if she disappears… She may need to be motorized in case any suicidal ideas show up.

IMO she was keeping a very low profile instead of being proactive about R, paralyzed in fear of deceiving you again, some people prefers not to act in case it disappoints and as she has already disappointed you, living in fear of what may happen if she fails again, even in the most simple thing... Or maybe she is not in love with you and was afraid to blow her family’s life…

Friday will be very releasing but also very hard, I believe she is going to make the things really easy about D but also will break down and open up about her fears and expectations she hold after DDay till now.

Mrhealed posted 6/28/2017 03:05 AM

ohforanewme,

Believe me, laughing at his statements and being calm hurted him more than reacting like him. Also he said so many things out of anger in front his BW that probably put the last nail in his marriage coffin.

You should be proud of your self.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 3:06 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

anoldlion posted 6/28/2017 03:17 AM

ohforanewme,
I have to say that you are the
coolest, clear thinking, all together dude I have read about since SpaceGhost0007. You and he were made from the same mold. I do wish you well.

ohforanewme posted 6/28/2017 10:00 AM


Had another call from OBS2 this afternoon (morning her time)

We have agreed that we will have a daily “Truth, tears and tea”, call every day, during her morning tea break, until we are both through this.

Quick summary.

When AP2 arrived home yesterday, (she has asked a friend for a lift to work so that she does not need to drive with him) she told him she wanted him permanently out of the house. He stuck to his story and couldn’t believe that she was throwing away 26 years of marriage over an EA and a stranger’s lies.

She let me in on the fact that she had the presence of mind to record his side of the call with me. She replayed it to him. (She tells me that each time she listens to it it hurts a little more.). He stubbornly stuck to the story that it was all just to hurt me. She spent some time yesterday at work printing out a small pack of the most relevant emails from what I let her have. She is calling the emails and the recording her “Disclosure pack”. Intends to use them when exposing to DD and family. Is going to share them with his brother and father. Wants to spare his mom the vulgarity of the call. FIL can let her know how bad it was. Thinks she will use it for everyone that in her view has the stomach for it. Now way for him to minimise with evidence like that.

She handed him the email pack and immediately got back the defence that he had warned her that evidence would be fabricated against him. She calmly asked “how would it be possible for anyone to know your term of endearment for DD?” (remember the email address) She could see the cogs in his head begin to whirl to fabricate a plausible explanation. She tells me that she didn’t give him a chance. Led him to his laptop and said, “Our marriage is again in your hands. Your next action determines if we try and work on it or D. Send the employer an email asking them to send me a copy of your disciplinary confession”. Apparently he sat for a moment’s stunned silence and then went and began packing.

So far, other than a few at work she has only told her best friend. The BF is a widow. The BF has moved into the house with her and is giving support. Hopes to tell DD on Friday evening and then would like the 3 of them to use the weekend to tell all family and friends.

Her decision is to D. Sounds unshakable. She was a 24 year old virgin bride. Believed that sex was reserved for the sanctity of marriage and still holds that view.

I mentioned that one of the posters had wondered if she would like WW to call her to give her a 2nd cheater’s view of the A. She did not think that she would like that now. Did say that she would be mightily obliged if I would be so kind as to “Beat the crap out of her though”, (with a guilty little giggle).

I said to her I so wished that she had been able to record my responses to AP2 during the call. Said I am sure that she would have beer rather proud of me. (The more I reflect back the more I am proud of me). She agreed. Might reassure everyone that she tells that I am not a secret service monster (another little giggle, Maybe we should call it a “Truth, tears, and laughter tea”). And her tea time was up.

Limboaz posted 6/28/2017 10:37 AM

OFANewMe,

Just wanted to chime in with others that you have handled this brilliantly. Unbelievable that AP2 blames you for "ruining his life"!
It's fantastic that his wife is a strong decisive person. Sounds like she will have no problems financially due to the divorce she is facing. That is just icing on the cake.
One your D is complete, try to flush away the bitterness by forgiving your STBXW, not for her sake, but for yours.
Best of luck to you as you embark on a new and better chapter of your life.

k94ever posted 6/28/2017 11:07 AM

Please, please be careful that during your time of daily talking with the OBS, you do not develop a rebound relationship with her.


k9

Trtroles posted 6/28/2017 11:11 AM

You are my new hero. I am so proud of you.

What makes me sad is your wife.She didnt even ask you how do you feel,skipped the dinner with you and your daughter,moved out of the room,saying she needs to work late (yeah another lie).

I really cant wait for Friday.You deserve so much better.

Take care.

Trtroles posted 6/28/2017 11:11 AM

I almost forget. If you want your wife to call other woman make sure it happens before you serve her. She will refuse to talk with her once she realize you are done with her.

beauchateaux posted 6/28/2017 12:03 PM

Please, please be careful that during your time of daily talking with the OBS, you do not develop a rebound relationship with her.

This thought crossed my mind, too, because I've heard of this happening. It doesn't always end badly (I've heard some very heartwarming stories about situations like this), but it's just important to remember that you are both traumatized, and her trauma is brand-new. Treading carefully is a good idea if there's any chance of someone misreading things and getting hurt while they're already hurting. :)

But I think it's nice, that you are leaning on and supporting each other through this horrible time in your lives. After all, your spouses were together when they did this to the both of you - who better to understand?

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 12:04 PM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

TimelessLoss posted 6/28/2017 13:34 PM

“Truth, tears, and laughter tea”).

Everyone hear that roar? A lion and lioness have been unleashed. Their range of the savannah has been cleared of hyenas.

harrybrown posted 6/28/2017 13:56 PM

Hope all goes well on your discussion Friday.

Your spouse does not seem to be trying too hard to save her marriage.

So Sorry. Chin up, you deserve so much better.

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